Big Butter Rocks my Outlook

The e-mail conversations with my brother are usually hilarious. This week I thought I would share a sparkley morsel of back and forth with you.

Me:
Yo! do you have a bike you don’t mind getting beat up a little? The Denver Cruisers are doing a circle of death half-time show at the Roller Dolls bout  this Saturday. I was planning to go anyway, do you want to do the C.O.D. with me? I have my pink road bike from when I was little. I thought about riding that. The theme is “Bad Religion”.
Would have to figure out costumes.

Butter:
i have the grandpa bike-do i need some sort of weapon?

Me:
Only a weapon of God. I am assuming a bible? We could just dress normal and say we’re from Jonestown. We could stain our lips like we just drank koolaid?

Butter:
that is an idea spetacularrrrrrrrrrrr……

Me:
I am super cereal.Whatcha doin this weekend? Apparently it is supposed to rain, dumb. But we were hoping to rototill the back yard. I decided we’ll make that call Saturday morning, but hopefully mother nature doesn’t decide to foil my plans. Doesn’t she know it is rototilling weekend? Hello!

Butter:
thats sounds yummy. Valerie is probably gonna come over in the evening on sat for a make-out party her and I are throwing for her and I, but I’ll be playing guitar or biking until then-why? do you guys want some help?

Me:
Wait what about going to see the Roller Derby? Are you going to be too busy sucking face? Or would Valerie and you want to meet us there? N-e-whoooo. Neh, we don’t really need help, I was just thinking if it does rain and we don’t rototill then we could chill. I’ll call you. But if you happen to drink too much espresso and find yourself riding to our house, then we’ll eat lunch or something together.

Butter:
i’ll ask Val, she likes to do whatever, which is refreshing from some girls who have timetables and powerpoints worked up for my free time. we should def chill, i don’t remember what you look like anymore, but i’m pretty sure you’re a white girl. did dad talk to you about a celebration dinner for your femtabulousment ? (whew, these are getting hard to come up w/!). i haven’t seem him in a while, but i’m pretty sure he has a beard…

Me:
Hahaha. Yeah I am pretty sure I am still white too. And most likely dad has a beard it is just a matter of whether he has a mullet or some other haircut. That brings up a good point though. How do you make that decision to have a beard for the rest of your life? Do you think there was a tangible point in his life when he was struggling to grow one but he was like ‘nope I am gonna figure this beard thing out because if I can’t be Chuck Norris I at least want to sport a beard like him’. That probably happened right? Perhaps we should do some research on when exactly Chuck Norris came “on scene” so to speak and then compare and contrast that with historical photos of dad and see if it was in fact because of Chuck Norris that dad committed to a beard. This sounds like a good thesis topic. Why didn’t I think of it four years ago. I bet I could have gotten federal funding from the “National Board of Chuck Norris Historical Curators”. He did mention getting together to celebrate, but he definitely is not as awesome as you for coming up with a new word like ‘femtabulousment’ to describe my achievements. When is he in Moab? Is that soon? I should probably pay better attention.
I am glad Val doesn’t have a powerpoint presentation. What a mood killer that would be. You should check her pockets for a thumb drive anyway just in case she does have one and is waiting to whip it out on you. Yikes. It might be an extensive timeline which delineates your life plan together. “….and in approximately 14 months we will open an IRA and begin investing in our retirement, which brings me to our next slide “life after kids”….here is a quick sketch of what you will look like along with a bullet point list of responsibilities, mowing the lawn, eating prunes, and sleeping in a recliner….any questions? No? let’s move on…”
Sweet. Well guess I will talk to you via telefono if you and Val decide to go to the Derby. Is she the kind of girl that likes watching other girls in roller skates and punk-rock outfits beat the crap out of each other? If she isn’t, then I don’t think I can fully support your relationship with her. You won’t be able to inherit my billions of dollars if you don’t find a girl who likes Derby-type activities.

What do you expect from a couple of kids who look like us?





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3 thoughts on “Big Butter Rocks my Outlook

  1. Seriously? Best conversation I have ever read. I am cracking up right now at all the spontaneous wit!All my brother ever does is call me fat. Like over and over again!!

  2. Lol, you guys crack me up. You are just as funny as he is… and now I am seriously curious about the Chuck Norris connection to men and their facial hair, lol. Speaking of weekend plans…when are we gonna get together, mull over that and schedule it into your rototilling, roller derby watching excitement. I'll talk to you soon though!

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