Quick Celebration!

Holy shit! I am so sorry guys. For those of you who have been my cheerleaders and confidants these many months, I completely let you down. The past two days have been insane. I was traveling home all day yesterday and then today I get back to the office and discover a fire. Literally, the office building caught on fire Sunday night. It was right out of the twilight zone walking in today. Needless to say things are a little crazy and I will blog about them soon. But first:

I AM OFFICIALLY PREGNANT! Like for realz.

and dos:

MY PROGESTERONE LEVELS ARE NORMAL!….NORMAL! can you believe it? It is so freaking awesome. I was definitely a worried wreck all weekend. Thanks to Bret for being my girl support and listening to me worry and babble, etc. I would say you all need Bret as your friend, but you can’t have her she is mine.

Anyway, obviously there is much to be discussed, my trip to see Bret, the office being on fire, the fact that I have to now get out of paying $450 for the ski pass I won’t be able to use this winter, and the fact that I am PREGNANT! HOLY SHITBALLS people! I can’t actually believe it. But we will have to get to all those things later. I will let you all take a big sigh of relief that my ovaries did their job and I well get my buns back to work. Love you all and thanks for helping me get here. I know we’re not out of the water yet, but things are looking up.

Random Time Filler Post

We’re about to take off for Seattle, but I wanted to say something today. I know we are all waiting impatiently for the doctor’s call tomorrow. And I of course am trying to stay calm, not go out and buy up every baby item I can think of, and not over-analyze all the things going on in my body
For those of you with your own ovary battles I wanted to post a snippet of the things I noticed that suggest I might be preggers:

  • tenderness of the boobs. This was illustrated to me by our first child, Lincoln, who head butted me in the chest a few days ago and it almost made me pass out. Then I started paying attention to my breastages. But who could be mad at this?
  • Fatigue. Not a lot but I could definitely keep on sleeping if given the opportunity. Also noticed my willingness to go to bed. I am usually a night owl and have to force myself into bed before 10pm.
  • Exhaust issues: this should be pretty self-explanatory, I’ll give you a hint it has nothing to do with being tired. Don’t make me spell it out. I don’t like talking bodily functions.
  • Number 2 issues. Not going here, just a weird mix of strangeness.
  • Famished: usually I can make it to work before I eat breakfast, but a couple mornings I had to break out a granola bar on the train to keep from feeling nauseous.
  • Forgetful: My brain is usually like a bear trap, it will catch everything, but I found a couple times this week where some tid bits slipped through. I chalked it up to it being summer, but it could be a sign of early onset baby brain. As I have started to increasingly say silly things it is becoming more apparent that strange things are happening to my thought process. Last night Bret and I were standing on her balcony looking and I said “do some of the units have fireplaces?” and she was like “all of them do” (including hers which we had just sat for two hours facing while we watched a movie). So we both laughed at me.
  • A spot: I thought this was a deal breaker until I looked it up. On day six a little red spot showed up, but I noticed it was different than the “period spotting” I was used to. Which resulted in me googling it. Turns out it may be implantation spotting, which shows up around 5-7 days after ovulation.Then yesterday and today I noticed that there was a pink tinge to my toilet paper (lovely huh?). I tried not to freak out although I wanted to burst into tears with Bret. Turns out this can be completely normal too the first month and most woman don’t notice it because they don’t know they are pregnant and just think it is a normal part of menstration. Reading this made me calm down and realize I need to take a major chill pill from now until I find out tomorrow. Jeeze brain, give me a break will ya?
So there ya go people: the handful of signs. I will let you know what i hear from the doctor tomorrow! YAY!

And then you say "oh shit"

I am so transparent it isn’t even funny. Not only do you all probably know what I am about to say, but you also know that there was no possible way I was going to wait a full two weeks. Like I said I scowered the earth for ways of knowing sooner and guess what people, there is a way. Clear Blue, my go to company for products you can pee on, has the “know up to 5 days before your missed period” sticks. And you know I bought a box of those like four days ago. A couple websites suggested testing no sooner than 7 days past ovulation. Let us all applaud my extreme patience because I waited until this morning, day 8 bitches! According to the box if you test 4 days before your missed period it is only 53% accurate, but F the odds, I was determined to pee on that stick as if life itself depended on it. 
My heart sank as the stupid horizontal line showed up. I set the stick on the counter even though I was certain that was my answer. But something in my head said ‘don’t be retarded, wait the full two minutes and see if anything changes’. Thanks oversupportive and loving brain. Now by wait two minutes, someone else might have walked away, gone and got dressed, or brushed their teeth, ya know, something distracting. Nope not me, I sat there like an eagle watching a mouse scurry across the ground below. Sure as shit the lightest blue vertical line started to appear. Oh shit could it be? I didn’t exactly jump for joy but that is what I was basically doing. At this point, if I was cool, I would have stopped and figured out a way to surprise Andy with the news. You know something cute and unusual. Like bring him home a beer with it written on the label or something classy like that. But I was working with a time table here, I leave for Tacoma at 2pm and work until 12. There just wasn’t time people. Plus I was a excited dope. So I quietly pranced into the bedroom and snuggled up next to him. And it was perfect because he was totally in the cuddle mood He was all manly and stoic. Then I tried to calm my voice enough to say ‘guess what?’…..’what?’….‘I think I might be pregnant’….‘oh yeah? how do you know (sleepy voice starting to grasp the concept)’….’Because I just took a test and there is a vertical line, it is light, but it is there. hold on.’ Then I run to the bathroom and bring the test back. In the dim light in our basement bedroom, it should have come as no surprise that you couldn’t make out the plus, combine that with the fact that Andy didn’t have his contacts in. But obviously that didn’t matter to me. ‘i can’t see it, but cool…..great now I forgot my rebuttal’……‘your rebuttal? your rebuttal to me being pregnant?’….’no I was having a dream where I was debating a scientist in this space empire and I forgot my rebuttal’. Okay so it was a little early for him. But like I said, short time table. Then he said something every woman longs to hear ‘from this angle you look like a Lego Man…..in a good way’. Awww let us all bask in the sweetness that is my husband.
Despite his best attempts at keeping me in bed, I got up and headed off to work. On the way I was all smiles as I made the call to my SMIL (I had told her I was going to try to test this morning, her and I are both concerned about my potential progesterone levels and she wanted me to go to the doctor the minute I got a positive urine test). I was a total goof on the phone with her. She asked if I was nervous or scared or just really excited. After the joyous conversation I had with her I hung up and suddenly the world took on a new luster around me. So this could be it? I could be a mom? Oh shit! I am going to have to spend 18 years not killing this little conglomeration of cells. A million and one things were racing through my head, not the least of which was how I was going to make it another two hours to when my Dr’s office opened. I called their office and listened to their automated “if this is an emergency hang up and dial 911“…..hmm is this an emergency? It feels emergent. If I am pregnant than something will be emerging from me. Does that not constitute an emergency? I decide not to leave a voicemail and instead get to work and distract myself with work activities. Sure enough I make it until 8:06am (go me! six minutes of patience) I tell the lady that I would like to test my progesterone levels and she says ‘you can come in any time before 11:30’. I tell her I will be there within the hour and I walk into their offices at 8:31am. Hahaha. I could have gotten their sooner but I forced myself to check in on one of my engineers who has been avoiding me. I sit down with my arch nemesis, Nurse T. I may never have told this story, but when I went in about a year ago to figure out if I was pregnant (I was at day 67 and it was my first of many long cycles after getting of BC), Nurse T. and I began our “relationship”. See I am a hard poke. Hey get your head outta the gutter. I am talking about veins here. Despite being semi-transparent because I am so white, the veins in my arm choose to be difficult. The first time we met, I told Nurse T. this and she said ‘i’ll find it!’. She was like a modern day Rosie the Riveter. But after stabbing and digging in both of my arms, I was starting to doubt her abilities. She did finally get a vein and I ended up looking like a crack addict….wait is crack the one you shoot in your arm? What a nerd! Anyhoodles, so that was our initial visit. Lucky me, we ended up doing three more blood draws together, each one even more exciting than the last. By the third time, she finally gave up digging for China in my arm and opted for drawing from my hand. Wait you mean there was another option? Damn you Nurse T!. Now I am a patient blood drawee? My mom was a nurse and taught clinicals to nursing students, one of them being blood draws. So to help mom brush up on her skills I would volunteer to be her pin-cushion. And damn if that woman wasn’t a talent behind a needle! She would find my hard-to-find veins in no time. So it wasn’t until I had someone else draw my blood that I realized that I had this issue. By the time someone else did it, I was so used to sitting there and watching the whole process without any qualms. But Nurse T. ruined that for me. I find myself cringe when she comes at me with a needle and although my first instinct is to look as soon as I realize she is about to go in, I have to turn away. Therefore despite my excited me to get in there today, I knew Nurse T and I would face off again in an epic battle of the veins. Since it had been a year-ish, I reminded her how difficult they can be and how much fun she has had in the past trying to find them. She asks ‘oh okay, well did I get it?’. Oh you got it alright. Fuck you veins I’m Nurse T!. Trying to say ‘please don’t beat the crap out of my arm with your giant needle’ I told her ‘yep so I pre-apologize for my veins’. Then whatdayaknow? Seems Nurse T. has spent our absense brushing up on her skills. She goes right in and finds that sucker. It was beautiful. I was able to watch the whole thing again and I celebrated in the fact that my powers had returned. ‘Yay!’ I said out loud. And then Nurse T. tells me ‘yeah when you are pregnant your veins get larger’. Oh girl, you and me have no more issues. I am sorry for hating you so much, but you just made my F-ing day. Sure we aren’t 100% sure yet and, of course, they won’t get my blood test back until Monday, but I don’t even care! Just this itty bitty step that suggests that it is possible that my body actually could achieve a pregnancy, is Fucking Awesome! (sorry had to use the whole F-word for that one, it was warranted). So I told myself I wouldn’t start shouting from the rooftops until I was sure, but I couldn’t go to Tacoma with out telling you this new development. Oh Please Let this be it!

Jumping Out of my Skin and My Acupuncture Guilt

Okay so I was going to write a super lame blog in an attempt to distract you and myself from the real thoughts and happenings going on right now. But then I was like ‘oh just write about it!’. Mostly I was worried I would bore you all to death and you would never come back. There are definitely greener blog pastures to be had out there. So let me just get to the point, right now I am technically in the dreaded two week wait. And let me tell you it is agonizing! This is the stupidist two weeks ever conceived (hahaha look a pun!). The reason I have made it this long (which is day 7 post-ovulation according to that bitch of a website Fertility Friend, but I’ll get to that part of the story in a second) is only because I absolutely hated the idea of telling you all only to get a negative test in a couple of days. I thought that would be so much worse than just keeping my mouth shut. But when I started reading the post I had started I just couldn’t put that sorry dribble up here. Besides what would the fertility rollercoaster be if I didn’t tell you about all the up and downs….boring that is what it would be. So here’s the up (and hopefully it stays up…and gets even higher), but if in a couple of days there’s a down I guess you’ll have seen it coming.
I started entering my temp data on Fertility Friend several weeks ago, but since my ovarian cycle has been about 45 days for the past two cycles there really wasn’t much to tell you up until now. Obviously I am still going au naturale, although those keeping track, it is about to be July. July was the arbitrary date I set for when I would rethink getting on Clomid. But that isn’t all that pertinent yet. So according to Fertility Friend (which I am going to rename Fertility Sadist) last Monday I ovulated. I am sure you get how excited that made me, especially considering when looking at those litte heart-shaped markers that show the days we got it on, things were looking especially good for this cycle (BTW I totally wish you could pick your own icon for Business Time, I am not too sure what I would pick, but there is something that just seems wrong about the hearts….maybe it could just say ‘goal!’ on those days). Rock on! Right? Well kind of. So I was all excited to be heading into my two-week wait but then Sunday I updated my temps and M-er F-er! Fertility Sadist moved my ovulation date. Now let me put you at ease first, things were still looking positive as far as catching that little egg sucker, i.e. attacking it with sperm. But the downside was that it moved my ovulation day forward three days. WTF? So as I sit here, I should be at day 10 post-ovulation and just four short days away from an answer, but no, I am now 7 long, unbearable, days away from the end of my two week wait. So that is why I am pissed at Fertility Friend…they got me all excited and then they made my two week wait three days longer. What a whore! It is getting to the point where I have already scowered the earth for any chance at finding out early. I would quite literally opt to install a microscope and camera in my uterus if it would allow me to take a look and see if anything was going on in there. The first few days of waiting were fine, I just tried to relax and think happy uterus thoughts. I sent my uterus little love notes saying what a beautiful place it was and how even though I think it is highly over-qualified for the job, it will be such a wonderful and nurturing place for the egg. Ya know, buttering her up, hoping she would use her influence to move things along in there. But when the date moved I looked at my calendar with disgust and resentment. It is amazing what three more days will do to you when you’re waiting for this kind of news. I keep telling myself in the grand scheme of things two weeks is nothing. Yes when you think about 9 months of pregnancy, followed by the 18 years of trying to give the kid enough sense so that you can kick them out of the house and book a vacation by yourself again, two weeks really is nothing. But for some reason it is still a pain in the ass. You have to figure it took me 55 days to get to this spot and technically I have spent 15 months getting to the point where my cycle was less than 70 days. So even though it is only seven more itsy bitsy days, I have waited almost a year and change to get here. Then say I pee on the stick and it is a big ole no, that’s another two months before I can be in this spot again. It makes me more than a little envious of those with 14 day ovarian phase. Bitches! Sorry that was uncalled for. 
In other news, on Friday I had my last acupuncture appointment. “My Last” as in the last one in the package I paid for. Since I was going out of town tomorrow I told my lady that I wouldn’t be able to have one this week. Her response was ‘okay so I will see you on the 2nd?’ and me, being the non-communicator that I am, just said ‘yeah’. Why didn’t I just speak up? Why couldn’t I just say ‘well maybe not, I am not sure yet’. I thought about it on my way home and I actually felt guilty and didn’t want to tell her that if I did actually get preggo that I might not be back for a while. I could quite literally point and laugh at myself sometimes (if it didn’t make me look crazy). Let’s look at this situation. I felt guilty for telling my acupuncturist that I might not be back in two weeks because I might be pregnant by then. That is the entire reason that I started going to acupuncture, she specializes in fertility. So I was too guilty to tell her she might have done the job I hired her to do? Does anyone else see how ridiculous I am? It’s okay, you can point and laugh, it’s warranted
Don’t get me wrong, if I could afford it, I would continue doing weekly acupuncture appointments throughout my pregnancy. She was telling me that she will be able to help alieviate some of the ailments. But the problem is definitely the money. She is actually ridiculously affordable when you purchase the 10-visit package, but the problem is I am going to need to start saving that money for other things. There is obviously many many expenses that are sure to come up once I get preggo, not the least of which is my desire to save 6 weeks worth of pay so that I can take the full 12 weeks of bonding time. Plus she doesn’t take insurance yet, not that I am even sure that my insurance company would cover it, but that makes it all out of pocket for me. You can see the dilemma there. And now you can also see how wonderful the past 10 days have been like in my head. I quite literally can’t turn my brain off.
I have been trying to relax and meditate each night and clear my mind, but it would be so much better if there was just a switch in my head or something, like a ‘thought interrupter’ button. I don’t even want to go into all the stuff that has been going through my head because I try to let out as little ‘crazy’ as I can, sorry some still gets out. The good news is, I know I am not the only one thinking about this stuff. Andy asks me nightly ‘so are you pregnant yet or what?’. The statement always has an edge of impatience to it. So I know I am not the only one in this boat. I think he is mostly excited because I followed up telling him that I ovulated with ‘just think, if this is it, we can go back to having sex when you want to’. Which made us both bust up.

50-Some Hours till Go-Time!

In approximately 53 hours….like I said it’s approximate, it isn’t like I calculated it in my head or anything….I am going to be boarding a plane to Tacoma to visit Bret! I am so excited I could literally pee my pants. Well that could be an exaggeration. I suppose I could pee my pants if I really put effort into it. Anyway as you can tell I am an excited distracted train wreck when it comes to mental capacity today. I have never been one for time rushing by. In fact on most days it feels like time is just flying by me. But for some reason the last week has been excrutiatingly slow, as I am certain the next 53 hours will be. However, there is no need for you to suffer along with me. The past three days have resulted in a hilarious e-mail exchange between Bret and myself and since it cracked me up I thought you might enjoy it as well. Sorry for the length, but I find the conglomerate of back and forth to be the most entertaining part of it.

Me to Bret:

Okay very important questions must be answered in order for me to pack my little bags.

• Do you have a hair dryer I will be able to borrow
• What about hairspray?
• Will I need a raincoat?
• Will we mostly be wearing tennis shoes? I figure we’ll be walking around a lot, but if you were thinking we’d be going somewhere that requires heels I can pack those too.
• Why do we still call them tennis shoes? Neither me nor anyone I knows plays tennis.
• Why do we call it a tennis bracelet? I would never wear a diamond bracelet while playing tennis. I guess it is for rich ladies at the country club who just strut around in tennis outfits.
• Are we mostly just keeping it low key and hanging out/sightseeing?
• Should I bring my own chocolate or will they have some there?
• What have your last weeks worth of outfits looked like? This will gauge what I should pack. If you’ve been mostly wearing jeans and t-shirts, then this is what I should pack. If you’ve been wearing hot pants and tube tops, then I better pack jeans and t-shirts. You get the idea.
• I think I am out of questions.
• I like bullet points
• I am excited to see you!
• Okay I will talk to you later.
• Love you
• bye

Bret to Muah with my comments back to her interspersed (sorry for the confusion):
 
HAHAHA thank you for the much needed smile! Your trip could not come at better time–I’m feeling a bit forlorn right now and could use some quality Natalie fun and positivity to get me back on track! 🙂 To answer your questions:

• Yes, I have a hair dryer. It even has a de-ionizer! (As if it even does anything…) this is good. I like the good ole ionizing ones, call me old fashioned, but I am willing to try this strange new technology of yours.
• Got hairspray, too–a ridiculously large can as a matter of fact. This will help should I develop arthritis while I am there. Bigger can the better in that instance.
• You can use one of my raincoats if you need one, so don’t waste space in your luggage on that. Bring booze instead. 😉 while you do have ridiculously large amounts of jackets, my mountain hardware rain coat is super compactable. Is that a word? I can roll it up all itty bitty and stuff it in my bag. I may opt out of drinking this weekend just to be your DD…..and make sure you don’t end up in a hotel room with a dude from Wyoming. Just as a random example.
• Don’t bring tennis shoes, I have no intention of playing tennis while you’re here. But bring walking shoes, those might be helpful. Actually, they are going to be critical–we’ll be doing LOTS of walking. I would bring a pair of heels, too, just in case we decide to get glammed up at any point. Aren’t all shoes walking shoes? I mean it would be kind of funny to not be able to walk in a pair of shoes. I think I will bring running shoes, just in case we need to run from something, kidnappers, my cousin, Spanish bulls. You know the usual.
• The scheme used to name tennis bracelets is a puzzling system. I would abandon trying to figure it out–it’s a waste of brain power. Consider my brain power un-wasted
• We’ll be doing mostly low key, yes. But I would bring one cute going out shirt in case the gays want to take us for a night on the town as their arm candy. :p Sounds like I should plan on having some sort of bottom garment lined up as well. I will look kind of funny with no pants even if I am wearing a nice top and heels.
• You can never have too much chocolate and whilst there are several gourmet places here (OH and cupcake stores… :p~~) they are hella expensive so we might get only a truffle or 2 from them. Hmmm. You do have grocery stores right? I mean as a last resort we can find a candy bar?
• Jeans and t-shirts would be a suitable wardrobe for your stay. No hot pants here… I don’t think it’s supposed to be uber warm, but I would bring a tank top in case we decide to spend a little time sunning to get some color. You do remember that my second job is to burn in all matter of sunlight? Which brings up a new question, do you have sunscreen?
• Ok
• I think that
• Covers it…
• Let me know if you have any
• More questions.
• I am SOOOO excited to see you!
• Love you!

Bret back to Muah:
 
– Fine! Bring your own raincoat, see if I care!
– Right, it’s probably best for both of us to keep the boozing to a minimum this weekend. Which is perfectly fine with me because I don’t need even the smallest drop of booze to enjoy my time with you! 🙂 And in fact, when I drink, I seem to falsely determine that spending time with random men from podunk states is enjoyable, so what am I going to do? JUST SAY NO!
– Good point, shoes are useless if they aren’t walkable, but some of my cutest shoes/heels shall we say “toe the line” with regards to walkability. (No pun intended)
– Pants are over rated. Don’t bring any.
– Seriously?! You have to ask me if I have sunscreen?! Honey, I have more tubes of sunscreen than I’ve got tubes of mascara. And I have 5 tubes of mascara so……

– CANDY CANDY CANDY CANDY Good thing there’s a Walgreens across the street and a 24/7 Safeway up the street!

Me to Bret:

LIAR! I think your shoe pun was entirely intended!

Five TUBES of mascara! That is ridunkulous girlie! Well I am glad that means you have at least 6 bottles of sunscreen. 6 should cover me. I am only there for four days and I get in at 7 on Friday so I probably will only need ½ a bottle that day.
I am glad that there is a Walgreens right across the street. If you wake up and I am not there, go check the candy aisle I am probably passed out face down in something chocolate. Hehehe.
Mkay I think we have all the logistics worked out. I can’t think of anything we left out of the mix: sunscreen, bull evasion tactics, tennis bracelets, preventing Bret from humping cowboys. That should cover it. I am so excited I could pee. We are both going to need Depends to make it through the week!

Bret to Muah:

HY PER VENT A LA TING!!!! I am getting ridiculously excited now! I couldn’t stop talking about you coming last night, and Mike (as a joke) was like “Well if you like her so much, why don’t you just marry her?!” And I was like “It’s Pride weekend, I just might!” :p

Guess what ELSE is going on this weekend? Taste of Tacoma! In Point Defiance Park! So we can hike through the park and then stuff our faces with some sort of uncommon meat on a stick, YAY! 😉
Depends, must stock up on Depends… 😉

Me to Bret:

This next two and a half days can’t go fast enough! It is taking way too stinkin long man! Taste of Tacoma with promises of meat on sticks Smells Yeah! We’re going to be unstoppable this weekend. I was discussing gay marriage with Matilda a few months ago (because I thought it would be a good way for her and I to be dual citizens, so she could live here and then I could go live in Sweden) Anyway we’ve decided that though polygamy is illegal, that you should be allow to have one husband and one wife. One of each. It wouldn’t really be a conflict of interest. The only sticky situation is figuring out if then your wife becomes your husband’s second wife. That could lead to jealousy. Therefore Andy could get a husband, but he couldn’t lay claim to my wife. Similarly I can’t lay claim to his husband. It is a pretty complex plan. We are still in the R&D phase. Could take years to master-mind. Anyhoodles, I got quite distracted there.
How on earth am I going to fill my time to keep me distracted over the next 50-some hours?
Possible Ideas:
• Photoshop wedding pictures of us
• Make a packing list and then use some sort of deciphering code to mix the words up, then misplace the decoder ring and see if I can decipher what I originally wrote.
• Get miraculously “sick” and go home and watch girl movies and/or take a long nap…I think I could sleep for at least half of the next 50 some hours if I really dedicated myself.
• Instead of shaving my legs, I could pluck them.
• I could cross stitch the Constitution on a tea towel
• To draw that out I could cross stitch each amendment on a separate tea towel. Nothing says America like a tea towel. Wait, why does that sound incorrect?
• I could start outlining a research paper as to why some Native Americans still refer to themselves as Indians and how we should at minimum start calling people of India, “real Indians” and Native Americans “Indian wannabes”

These seem like a good start.







7 Years

You see this man?
Yeah he’s a little goofy. But 7 years ago yesterday he made me the happiest girl in the world!
To celebrate, we did a few of our favorite things. 4-wheeling, shooting, picnicing, and drinking.
I decided to bring along my tripod to capture our activities. Look how ridiculously off balance we are. This picture definitely illustrates my ridiculously high inseam and short torso.
We finished the day with a trip to our anniversary spot “Q’s” at the Boulderado. This is where we stayed on our honeymoon and we fall more in love with Q’s every time we go.
Here’s to 7 years baby! Thanks for putting up with my crazy, erratic brain. I love you!

Of Course

Alright so to start off I am not actually THAT bitter (despite how this post might come off)….I mean it was an accident after all. She wasn’t trying to do this to me, but yesterday I got hit with a little bit of a blow. You know that kick in the ovaries I was joking about the other day? Yeah well, not a joke anymore.
For el dia de los padres (you know you love it when I class my blog up with really bad Spanish), we drove up to Andy’s Dad’s house. My SMIL was on her way back from Wyoming so it was just the three of us, sitting around the house and chatting. My Step-Sister-In-Law is getting married in San Antonio in March, so as part of the small talk I turned to my FIL and asked ‘how is the wedding planning going?’. At the time I was standing over by the picture table looking at the collection of photos of all of us and FIL said ‘Well, come sit down’. I am pretty sure I knew exactly what he was about to say before he said it, but as much guilt I feel admitting it now, I was secretly hoping he was about to say the wedding got called off. That’s how I am pretty sure I knew what was coming before I reached the chair because obviously I wouldn’t wish that for them. Then he delivers the blow ‘SSIL is pregnant’. I hope the instant devastation I felt didn’t betray my “just look surprised” face. I said ‘oh, what happened?’. Turns out SSIL was on antibiotics and didn’t realize that it nullified her BC. Now ta da! she’s preggos. So her and her fiance went to the courthouse last week and tied the knot. Since the baby is due in January they decided they wanted to get married before too much longer. They are still planning to have the wedding in San Antonio. Part of me understands wanting to still have that experience, but I think I probably would have opted for arranging a quick ceremony now with close family and then just doing a reception/baby shower in March. Whatevs though, obviously that wasn’t the pertinant information to me at the time. I am kind of glad my SMIL wasn’t there yet because the boys chattered on during lunch and after while I spent the time trying to wipe away the feelings of disappointment. I promise to only say this one really mean thing and then I fully intend to move past this issue and embrace the joy I should feel that there will be a new little addition to our family, here goes. So SSIL is a nurse, SMIL is also a nurse and is always closely involved with all things medically going on with SSIL (result of only-childness), and I am assuming she got her antibiotics from her doctor, I would think the same one that writes her prescription for BC, but regardless, one who knows to ask certain questions like ‘are you on birth control?’. Anyway as someone completely outside of the medical field how is it that I know that antibiotics can make BC ineffective and they didn’t even think about it? I am pretty sure my doctor told me this when I got on birth control at the age of 17. I remember her going through the list of “when to use back-up” and antibiotics was on that list. Okay that is it. That is all I am allowing myself. No more self-pity and negative thoughts. No more degrading her for not knowing. This is reality and I shouldn’t begrudge her this joy. It was entirely unexpected. But most importantly, this isn’t a competition. There’s the key. This seems to be the hardest thing to shove through my swollen hurt ego. Whenever I get news that a friend or family member is pregnant I instantly get this little tinge of pain in my heart. They work right and I don’t. They win. No matter the logic I try to shove through my strange female brain I still get those inadequacy feelings each time someone else posts their pregnancy news. I should feel happy for these women. I should be the loudest voice saying “CONGRATS!”. I feel like Rachel from The Red Tent (a must read if you haven’t). Her sisters kept popping out babies left and right and she was barren for a long time. 
When my SMIL got home she was super sweet. I am so lucky to have this woman in my life. By this point, I was still working on my resolve. But to try to pull myself out of the dumps I said ‘So I hear you’re going to be a grandmother!’ (feigning my best excited voice). She proceeded to re-cap the story and how shocked my SSIL really was. She told me she almost fainted and was so worried that Andy and I would be upset with her for this. That is when I snapped out of my funk. Of all the things for her to worry about when she accidentally gets pregnant, she thought of me. My heart filled up ready to burst and I was instantly no longer upset. I know I was only upset with her because of my own disappointment with myself. But it wasn’t until I realized her worry at upsetting me, how silly the whole situation was from my end. If someone could just replace my woman brain with something else I would be eternally grateful. Why do women feel this way? Needless to say, I told myself ‘well maybe this will be my cycle, then won’t it be great for our kids to be so close in age?’. And that really would be wonderful. Ha I distracted my silly brain with beautiful imaginings of family get togethers where our adorable kids (in my head, our kids are just slightly cuter of course) will play and grow together. They can share secrets and toys and clothes. Have sleep-overs and go to one another’s birthday parties. Of course they may hate each other and spend the next twenty years beating the crap out of one another, but I choose to focus on the lovely images of them being best friends.
And that has helped me get over it. Stupid woman brain. Take a hike. And now on to even better topics!