Of Course

Alright so to start off I am not actually THAT bitter (despite how this post might come off)….I mean it was an accident after all. She wasn’t trying to do this to me, but yesterday I got hit with a little bit of a blow. You know that kick in the ovaries I was joking about the other day? Yeah well, not a joke anymore.
For el dia de los padres (you know you love it when I class my blog up with really bad Spanish), we drove up to Andy’s Dad’s house. My SMIL was on her way back from Wyoming so it was just the three of us, sitting around the house and chatting. My Step-Sister-In-Law is getting married in San Antonio in March, so as part of the small talk I turned to my FIL and asked ‘how is the wedding planning going?’. At the time I was standing over by the picture table looking at the collection of photos of all of us and FIL said ‘Well, come sit down’. I am pretty sure I knew exactly what he was about to say before he said it, but as much guilt I feel admitting it now, I was secretly hoping he was about to say the wedding got called off. That’s how I am pretty sure I knew what was coming before I reached the chair because obviously I wouldn’t wish that for them. Then he delivers the blow ‘SSIL is pregnant’. I hope the instant devastation I felt didn’t betray my “just look surprised” face. I said ‘oh, what happened?’. Turns out SSIL was on antibiotics and didn’t realize that it nullified her BC. Now ta da! she’s preggos. So her and her fiance went to the courthouse last week and tied the knot. Since the baby is due in January they decided they wanted to get married before too much longer. They are still planning to have the wedding in San Antonio. Part of me understands wanting to still have that experience, but I think I probably would have opted for arranging a quick ceremony now with close family and then just doing a reception/baby shower in March. Whatevs though, obviously that wasn’t the pertinant information to me at the time. I am kind of glad my SMIL wasn’t there yet because the boys chattered on during lunch and after while I spent the time trying to wipe away the feelings of disappointment. I promise to only say this one really mean thing and then I fully intend to move past this issue and embrace the joy I should feel that there will be a new little addition to our family, here goes. So SSIL is a nurse, SMIL is also a nurse and is always closely involved with all things medically going on with SSIL (result of only-childness), and I am assuming she got her antibiotics from her doctor, I would think the same one that writes her prescription for BC, but regardless, one who knows to ask certain questions like ‘are you on birth control?’. Anyway as someone completely outside of the medical field how is it that I know that antibiotics can make BC ineffective and they didn’t even think about it? I am pretty sure my doctor told me this when I got on birth control at the age of 17. I remember her going through the list of “when to use back-up” and antibiotics was on that list. Okay that is it. That is all I am allowing myself. No more self-pity and negative thoughts. No more degrading her for not knowing. This is reality and I shouldn’t begrudge her this joy. It was entirely unexpected. But most importantly, this isn’t a competition. There’s the key. This seems to be the hardest thing to shove through my swollen hurt ego. Whenever I get news that a friend or family member is pregnant I instantly get this little tinge of pain in my heart. They work right and I don’t. They win. No matter the logic I try to shove through my strange female brain I still get those inadequacy feelings each time someone else posts their pregnancy news. I should feel happy for these women. I should be the loudest voice saying “CONGRATS!”. I feel like Rachel from The Red Tent (a must read if you haven’t). Her sisters kept popping out babies left and right and she was barren for a long time. 
When my SMIL got home she was super sweet. I am so lucky to have this woman in my life. By this point, I was still working on my resolve. But to try to pull myself out of the dumps I said ‘So I hear you’re going to be a grandmother!’ (feigning my best excited voice). She proceeded to re-cap the story and how shocked my SSIL really was. She told me she almost fainted and was so worried that Andy and I would be upset with her for this. That is when I snapped out of my funk. Of all the things for her to worry about when she accidentally gets pregnant, she thought of me. My heart filled up ready to burst and I was instantly no longer upset. I know I was only upset with her because of my own disappointment with myself. But it wasn’t until I realized her worry at upsetting me, how silly the whole situation was from my end. If someone could just replace my woman brain with something else I would be eternally grateful. Why do women feel this way? Needless to say, I told myself ‘well maybe this will be my cycle, then won’t it be great for our kids to be so close in age?’. And that really would be wonderful. Ha I distracted my silly brain with beautiful imaginings of family get togethers where our adorable kids (in my head, our kids are just slightly cuter of course) will play and grow together. They can share secrets and toys and clothes. Have sleep-overs and go to one another’s birthday parties. Of course they may hate each other and spend the next twenty years beating the crap out of one another, but I choose to focus on the lovely images of them being best friends.
And that has helped me get over it. Stupid woman brain. Take a hike. And now on to even better topics!

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3 thoughts on “Of Course

  1. That's super hard… I've felt this way so many times this past year when people "accidentally" get pregnant, especially when it's something like antibiotics, b/c yes, how the hell could you not know that is a side effect??? Anyway, congrats to your ssil… hopefull it will be us soon as well!

  2. I agree with Josey – that is a tough thing. In the last three weeks, I've had two close friends make their announcements. You do feel your heart drop a little, but I put on a smile and move on – no one knows we're trying anyway. Glad to hear you are ok with the news and are excited to welcome the new member to the family.

  3. Hang in there. It was always really hard to hear of the accidental pregnancies. I always felt a little inadequate for not being able to get pregnant and found it really hard to be instantly happy for others.

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