And then you say "oh shit"

I am so transparent it isn’t even funny. Not only do you all probably know what I am about to say, but you also know that there was no possible way I was going to wait a full two weeks. Like I said I scowered the earth for ways of knowing sooner and guess what people, there is a way. Clear Blue, my go to company for products you can pee on, has the “know up to 5 days before your missed period” sticks. And you know I bought a box of those like four days ago. A couple websites suggested testing no sooner than 7 days past ovulation. Let us all applaud my extreme patience because I waited until this morning, day 8 bitches! According to the box if you test 4 days before your missed period it is only 53% accurate, but F the odds, I was determined to pee on that stick as if life itself depended on it. 
My heart sank as the stupid horizontal line showed up. I set the stick on the counter even though I was certain that was my answer. But something in my head said ‘don’t be retarded, wait the full two minutes and see if anything changes’. Thanks oversupportive and loving brain. Now by wait two minutes, someone else might have walked away, gone and got dressed, or brushed their teeth, ya know, something distracting. Nope not me, I sat there like an eagle watching a mouse scurry across the ground below. Sure as shit the lightest blue vertical line started to appear. Oh shit could it be? I didn’t exactly jump for joy but that is what I was basically doing. At this point, if I was cool, I would have stopped and figured out a way to surprise Andy with the news. You know something cute and unusual. Like bring him home a beer with it written on the label or something classy like that. But I was working with a time table here, I leave for Tacoma at 2pm and work until 12. There just wasn’t time people. Plus I was a excited dope. So I quietly pranced into the bedroom and snuggled up next to him. And it was perfect because he was totally in the cuddle mood He was all manly and stoic. Then I tried to calm my voice enough to say ‘guess what?’…..’what?’….‘I think I might be pregnant’….‘oh yeah? how do you know (sleepy voice starting to grasp the concept)’….’Because I just took a test and there is a vertical line, it is light, but it is there. hold on.’ Then I run to the bathroom and bring the test back. In the dim light in our basement bedroom, it should have come as no surprise that you couldn’t make out the plus, combine that with the fact that Andy didn’t have his contacts in. But obviously that didn’t matter to me. ‘i can’t see it, but cool…..great now I forgot my rebuttal’……‘your rebuttal? your rebuttal to me being pregnant?’….’no I was having a dream where I was debating a scientist in this space empire and I forgot my rebuttal’. Okay so it was a little early for him. But like I said, short time table. Then he said something every woman longs to hear ‘from this angle you look like a Lego Man… a good way’. Awww let us all bask in the sweetness that is my husband.
Despite his best attempts at keeping me in bed, I got up and headed off to work. On the way I was all smiles as I made the call to my SMIL (I had told her I was going to try to test this morning, her and I are both concerned about my potential progesterone levels and she wanted me to go to the doctor the minute I got a positive urine test). I was a total goof on the phone with her. She asked if I was nervous or scared or just really excited. After the joyous conversation I had with her I hung up and suddenly the world took on a new luster around me. So this could be it? I could be a mom? Oh shit! I am going to have to spend 18 years not killing this little conglomeration of cells. A million and one things were racing through my head, not the least of which was how I was going to make it another two hours to when my Dr’s office opened. I called their office and listened to their automated “if this is an emergency hang up and dial 911“…..hmm is this an emergency? It feels emergent. If I am pregnant than something will be emerging from me. Does that not constitute an emergency? I decide not to leave a voicemail and instead get to work and distract myself with work activities. Sure enough I make it until 8:06am (go me! six minutes of patience) I tell the lady that I would like to test my progesterone levels and she says ‘you can come in any time before 11:30’. I tell her I will be there within the hour and I walk into their offices at 8:31am. Hahaha. I could have gotten their sooner but I forced myself to check in on one of my engineers who has been avoiding me. I sit down with my arch nemesis, Nurse T. I may never have told this story, but when I went in about a year ago to figure out if I was pregnant (I was at day 67 and it was my first of many long cycles after getting of BC), Nurse T. and I began our “relationship”. See I am a hard poke. Hey get your head outta the gutter. I am talking about veins here. Despite being semi-transparent because I am so white, the veins in my arm choose to be difficult. The first time we met, I told Nurse T. this and she said ‘i’ll find it!’. She was like a modern day Rosie the Riveter. But after stabbing and digging in both of my arms, I was starting to doubt her abilities. She did finally get a vein and I ended up looking like a crack addict….wait is crack the one you shoot in your arm? What a nerd! Anyhoodles, so that was our initial visit. Lucky me, we ended up doing three more blood draws together, each one even more exciting than the last. By the third time, she finally gave up digging for China in my arm and opted for drawing from my hand. Wait you mean there was another option? Damn you Nurse T!. Now I am a patient blood drawee? My mom was a nurse and taught clinicals to nursing students, one of them being blood draws. So to help mom brush up on her skills I would volunteer to be her pin-cushion. And damn if that woman wasn’t a talent behind a needle! She would find my hard-to-find veins in no time. So it wasn’t until I had someone else draw my blood that I realized that I had this issue. By the time someone else did it, I was so used to sitting there and watching the whole process without any qualms. But Nurse T. ruined that for me. I find myself cringe when she comes at me with a needle and although my first instinct is to look as soon as I realize she is about to go in, I have to turn away. Therefore despite my excited me to get in there today, I knew Nurse T and I would face off again in an epic battle of the veins. Since it had been a year-ish, I reminded her how difficult they can be and how much fun she has had in the past trying to find them. She asks ‘oh okay, well did I get it?’. Oh you got it alright. Fuck you veins I’m Nurse T!. Trying to say ‘please don’t beat the crap out of my arm with your giant needle’ I told her ‘yep so I pre-apologize for my veins’. Then whatdayaknow? Seems Nurse T. has spent our absense brushing up on her skills. She goes right in and finds that sucker. It was beautiful. I was able to watch the whole thing again and I celebrated in the fact that my powers had returned. ‘Yay!’ I said out loud. And then Nurse T. tells me ‘yeah when you are pregnant your veins get larger’. Oh girl, you and me have no more issues. I am sorry for hating you so much, but you just made my F-ing day. Sure we aren’t 100% sure yet and, of course, they won’t get my blood test back until Monday, but I don’t even care! Just this itty bitty step that suggests that it is possible that my body actually could achieve a pregnancy, is Fucking Awesome! (sorry had to use the whole F-word for that one, it was warranted). So I told myself I wouldn’t start shouting from the rooftops until I was sure, but I couldn’t go to Tacoma with out telling you this new development. Oh Please Let this be it!


6 thoughts on “And then you say "oh shit"

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