Bag of Randomness

No real cohesiveness today, so here we go with strange random (warning adult content, i.e. boys run! And probably Gucci Mama too):

  • Don’t put on a long sleeve t-shirt and then try to apply deodorant in your armpits. You will have to change your shirt.
  • I keep smelling bacon. When I got off the bus downtown this morning I smelled it and just figured it was a restaurant nearby, but then I smelled it again when I got off the train in the office park. When I smelled it the second time I started to worry. What if I am having a stroke? Don’t they say you smell buring toast or something? What if I smell bacon?
  • I found a Yoga Mama video on Netflix on-demand, so I tried it last night. There is nothing like watching a bunch of more pregnant women who are shockingly more flexible than I am, even with their giant bellies…..I am going to have to work hard to be more flexible. This seems so strange to me, that I have to work harder to increase my relaxation so I can flex more.
  • Does anyone know if it is bad to get waxed, ahem down there, while you’re pregnant? It doesn’t seem like it would be an issue, but I could be wrong about that.
  • My boobs have been living primarily in supportive restraints for the past 9 weeks, so I hadn’t really noticed some of the changes. Obviously the size increase I noticed, but I hadn’t really taken a good look at my nipples in a while. Well last night I caught a glimpse of them in the mirror and Oh my! See I have always had kind of small nipples (hey you had fair warning to get out while you still could). I didn’t think anything of it. I just figured that I would have a baby with a petite mouth or something. Well apparently they are going to be accommodating. I think those suckers have doubled if not tripled in size. What’s worse is my areolas have done the same thing. They are ridiculously huge, like almost tea cup saucer size. Okay not that big, but that is how big they look to me. Someone please tell me they don’t stay this gihugegic forever? Please just lie to me.
  • Last weekend I finished my training at the Molly Brown House museum to be a tour guide. For those of you with cursory knowledge of Molly Brown (i.e. “The Unsinkable Molly Brown”, “Titanic”), it is ridiculous how much substance there was to this woman that movies and plays obviously don’t show you. What Hollywood distroying the facts? NEVER!. First off, her name was never Molly, that was just what the playwrite dubbed her because it was easier to sing. Her name was Margaret, or when she was younger Maggie. Anyway she was pretty much just full on kick ass. She was a suffragist and a proponent of labor laws, she was involved in pretty much everything imaginable from creating soup kitchens for miners on strike, to raising money to expand Denver hospitals. This woman wasn’t just unsinkable, she was unstoppable. Anyway I am a big nerd for her now and I can’t wait to finsih the book I am reading about her and start writing my tour. The biggest decision I have to make is whether I want to dress in costume. I kind of do just because I want to wear a ridiculously huge and fancy Victorian hat. Can I wear just the hat and then wear jeans and a t-shirt?
  •  Did you know before Nick Nolte looked like a crazy cracked out hawaiian clown, he was like a good actor? Me neither.
Ahhh!
Last night we watched Cannery Row and not only was Nick Nolte hilarious, he was also, dare I say, handsome! Oh Nick what happened to you?

Hubba Hubba

2nd Trimester…. or maybe still the 1st (13 weeks)

Okay maybe you can esplain (must use a Desi Arnaz voice when reading) this to me. According to Baby Center this is the last week of my first trimester, but most of the books I’ve read say today is the first day of my second trimester. Baby Center points out that people count it differently. Whatever it doesn’t really matter, but begrudgingly I am starting to see why the week system is in place (even though I hate the shit out of it). 

Today the nugg has fingerprints and is the size of a medium shrimp. Why baby center uses various food items can probably only be attributed to the fact that they are targeting pregnant women and they are probably wanting them to eat the variety of foods they compare your fetus to. Shrimp has never been terribly appealing to me. I will eat it if we are at someone’s house who is serving it for dinner, but it isn’t something I have ever ordered at a restaurant. Considering my love of sushi, you will probably be shocked to find out that growing up I hated eating fish. In fact, when I found out that New England Clam Chowder had clams in it (hey don’t laugh at me, I was pretty young) I struggled to eat it from then on, despite loving it before the discovery. Kids are weird. My sushi love came much later in life, as you might imagine, as did the love of swordfish, shark, and tilapia. I am still not too into the real fishy tasting fish or the more exotic textures of sushi, like octopus and eel, but considering how far I have come, I am proud of my maturing taste buds. Shoot how did I get off on a food tangent? That’s right it is F-ing Baby Center’s fault.

Nugget is getting a bit more proportional this week. His/her head is only 1/3 the size of their body. Yay body, way to catch up. I had kind of an interesting weekend. Friday night I was feeling pretty worn out and ended up crawling into bed at 7pm to do some reading. Well at about 7:08 I fell asleep. I woke up at 11pm because I was hungry. I ate a bowl of raisin bran and watched an episode of Rosanne with Andy, then crawled back into bed and slept until 8am Saturday morning. Quite the marathon. I was sneezing all day Saturday and started doing some coughing. So then I was thinking that I might be coming down with something (which would explain my sleep coma the night before). I can’t tell you if I am/was actually sick or if I was just worn out from the week. I think I might have been so excited about not feeling nauseous anymore that I forgot about still needing to sleep more. I was definitely staying up late and dragging ass trying to get out of bed. I am going to make a conscious effort to do better this week.

My clothes are starting to get tight, aka I look like a chunky monkey. I am officially into my “fat pants”. Thank goodness I saved a few pairs of pants from when I was even chubbier otherwise I would already need to go on a shopping spree. I think I have another week or two of wearing these dress pants without modification, but then I plan to convert them officially to maternity pants. It is times like these that knowing how to sew comes in handy. I have deployed the rubber band technique on one of my pairs of jeans, but I have to modify my tactics with that. When I am sitting it is sooooo much more comfortable to have the rubber band around the button, but when I am up walking around they start to fall down. So I have to button them while walking and then find a way to sneakily switch to the rubber band before I sit. Quite the operation.

I think I am going to go to Goodwill and ARC sometime this week to try and find some loose-fitting tops that are nice and long. I did get a couple maternity shirts out of the stuff Mike’s wife gave me. I am guessing the ones that fit me were probably her 8-month shirts because everything else was teeny tiny. But I now officially have a few pieces of maternity clothes! That is kind of exciting.

As much as I want to go to Motherhood and/or Pea in the Pod, I think I will check Goodwill and ARC first. I love buying second-hand. First of all, you already know what is going to happen to it once it is washed. Although I have run into a few brand new items with tags still on them. Score! Second, I am pretty certain things that I think will last all 7 months probably won’t. So I don’t want to go spending a lot of money right now if I can find some cute used stuff. I have a tiered approach to pregnant clothes shopping. Are you surprised the I have a plan? First off Thrift Stores, then Old Navy and Target, then Motherhood and Pea in the Pod. Biggest savings first. If the supplies at the Thrift Stores are completely inadequate then I will move to tier two. If I can’t find things there to get by with, then onto tier three. But last time I was in ARC they had at least a 30-foot rack of maternity clothes, so I think I will find at least enough stuff to get through a week. I might be wearing the same outfits week after week, but you won’t judge me right?

The challenge for me is definitely going to be pants. I purused the target racks a week ago when we were there getting school supplies for Andy. I held a couple pairs of pants up next to my legs to get an idea and looks like they aren’t going to work. This will probably be the only thing I will say about being pregnant in the summer that is positive, but at least if I was going to be pregnant in the summer I could turn them into capris and just have shorts and skirts. I guess I can try to sag them. That would be pretty hilarious. A pregnant lady sagging her pants. I did ask Andy for the entire collection of maternity pants from Long Tall Sally (the company that bought and closed Tall Girl, forever breaking my heart…or at least until they open a store nearby) for my birthday. Wow, you might be thinking, the whole collection? Well the “whole collection” consists of a pair of jeans and a pair of grey dress pants. But I figure if I can convert my three pairs of “fat” pants. That would give me dress pants for Monday-Thursday and a pair of jeans for casual Friday. Saturday and Sunday I will just have to run around naked. hahaha.

Whoa I am obviously tired today, I had no intention of writing like 7 billion words about clothes. Sorry peeps. In non-pregnant news, my boss is visiting his mom in Italy this week, what a punk. To make matters worse I just got another e-mail from SAS airlines telling me that a ticket to Stockholm is only $300 each way. You evil temptress, how can you do this to me? Alas I will have to be content with my work trips over the next two weeks. I will just pretend that I am going to Sweden and Italy. Problem temporarily solved.

Out of the Closet

I was talking with Emmicakes on Wednesday and I told her that I was finally ready to start spreading the news. She and Pickles forced me to tell our friends at a going away party a few weeks ago and the week after I found out, she arranged a dinner so I could tell Pickles’ parents. Basically she has been pushing me since the beginning because she hates keeping secrets. Obviously we told our closest friends and our family, but I have been really reserved about telling everyone at work and my extended network of friends. Emmicakes is so surprised that I wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops a month ago and she’s said ‘I don’t understand why you are so nervous to tell people, this is happy news’. And she is right. It is happy news and I am obviously ecstatic about it. But something has been seriously holding me back until now. At first it was wanting to wait until the 8 week ultrasound. I wanted to know there was a heartbeat so I could feel more confident about telling people. The ultrasound came and went and still I didn’t feel ready. A couple weeks later I told my boss and then a few days after that, one of my other co-workers who is a friend. But at our staff meeting, around my 10 week mark, I considered telling them, but then felt awkward about bringing it up. There are four women in our office and while 97% of the men are all dads, there was just something about telling a big group of guys I was pregnant. It felt strange. My boss was super chill about it. He said I should wait until I was more comfortable telling people. He must have sensed my apprehension. Of course my other two co-workers who knew kept saying ‘you need to make an announcement’. Then there was the facebook friends, and my clients, and the people at volunteer training last weekend. I am not entirely sure why I didn’t want to bring it up with all of them. But this week I took my first steps to letting it out. On Tuesday we had another staff meeting and at the end the big boss said ‘Anyone have anything else they want to say?’. And so I mustered up all my might and awkwardly blurted out ‘well, Andy and I are having a kid’. I don’t know why I was so apprehensive about it. Everyone was happily surprised and they all clapped and said congratulations. Jeff, a very manly dude, came over and said he would make sure we put a glider in the nursing room so I would have a really comfortable place to sit and he has since offered me his pack-n-play and baby swing (I think his kids are 13 and 16, hahaha). Mike’s wife has sent me 5 bags of baby/maternity stuff, which is so stinkin’ cute. I don’t have the heart to tell him that his wife is about half my size and her medium maternity shirts probably aren’t big enough to fit me now. Thank goodness my step sister is littler than me. But I have to say I am kind of shocked at the response. I guess I was anticipating an “oh, cool” and then nothing else. But everyone has been so sweet and excited for me. It makes me feel silly for waiting this long.
Last night Andy and I were talking and he said our friend Stotts wants to put the picture of my ultrasound up on his facebook. I should explain, this picture:

Photoshopped for me by Big Butter (pure awesome). Andy obviously loved it and sent it to Stotts. But I told him not to tag me in it otherwise all of my friends could see it. He was surprised I hadn’t shared the news on FB. And I didn’t have a good answer for him. I told him I hate it when people post shit like ‘I am so in love with my husband’ or ‘I just had a bagel’. It just seems like trivial shit that no one really needs to hear about and they just post them to get attention. I kind of feel like saying I am pregnant is the same thing. Like ‘ooo look at me’. And I think therein lies my problem. This whole time the thing that has made it harder to tell people than anything else is to call attention to myself, that coupled with the fear that tomorrow I will wake up and realize I am in fact not pregnant and this was just something I made up in my sick head. So fear of losing the baby and fear of attention is what is making me, apparently, abnormal when it comes to wanting to share my news. I think I would probably be perfectly content just showing up next year with pictures of a baby on my page. A friend of mine did that. At first I was like ‘WTF, why didn’t she tell anyone?’, but now that I am in this spot, I was starting to think how appealing the idea of just showing up with a baby really is. I know I am silly. So after talking with Andy last night and after reading Ina May’s discussion of fear causing problems during labor (I know, left field there), I started thinking I need to overcome my fears. I need to approach this thing fear-free. No more worrying about my ability to hold this baby in there, no more fear of calling attention to myself. Therefore this morning, I uploaded the image into a photo album labeled “nugget” and titled it “Future Zombie Hunter”. And I left it at that. People will figure it out from there. Oh and first I went through my list of friends and unfriended someone who shouldn’t have been there in the first place. That is a long dramatic story, but basically our friendship fell apart almost two years ago and for some reason neither of us has unfriended the other. But I knew she wouldn’t be supportive of my pregnancy and frankly I didn’t want to share it with her. So I unfriended her and posted the picture. So I am officially out of the closet and I am going to make a real effort to share with people, even strangers if an opportunity arises. I don’t have to just walk up to people and say ‘hey guess what? I am pregnant. Do you want to hear all about it?’, but I should at least try to get more comfortable if an opportunity casually presents itself. When I think more about it, I just don’t really understand myself sometimes.

12 weeks….2 days late

Yesterday was our 12w ultrasound. Despite having filled my bladder as much as I could without bursting, apparently nugget was still pretty low. The tech had to press down hard on my pelvis to get a good picture of him/her, but she got what she needed. And I successed at not peeing on the table. Go me! The plus side of it taking a while, I got some extra time seeing nugget up on the screen. Score! Here are the pictures!

As for me, I am feeling good. The nausea is disappearing; there are still some evenings where I feel sick, but the all-day marathons are over! YAY. My energy levels are going up and I am GASP hungry! That’s right I not only have an appetite (although not for certain foods I thought I would go gang busters for) but I find that every few hours I am feeling hungry. Who knew? Okay well those of you who have done this before knew. But I am excited about it. The nurse stole all of my blood….okay a few vials and I am hoping I don’t ever hear from her. She said they would only call if there was a problem. That was my last dr. appointment with this lady (not that I saw the dr at all). So now it is just me and my Midwife. I still have a couple more ultrasounds, so I will be going somewhere for those. One at 16 weeks and one at 20. Hopefully that will be the last one. Only reason to have more, she said, was if something was worrisome. Anyhoodles, all is well and nugget is still in there…..looking kinda scary I might add. 

Home Birth Decision

Whew the past couple weeks have been insane. I have had a hard time getting back to my blog. But here we go, finally.
Thanks to Oak and her hilarious comment a couple posts ago I am compelled to comment. But in reality I am surprised I haven’t written about this sooner. In my head I already carefully outlined exactly what led me to the home birth decision, but sure as shit, turns out I haven’t. Well other than saying I am a big hippie.
I am honestly hoping that no one takes offense to anything I may say in the following sentences. I highly doubt you will be offended, but whatevs, just covering my ass. Don’t be offended by whatever I say mmkay? And let me preface this conversation with the following things you should know.

  •  I have no fear of hospitals, my parents are/were (never know how to conjugate that now) both nurses, so I grew up in the hospital. I am comfortable in that environment.
  • I don’t dislike doctors
  • I don’t fear needles or germs or anything else that would make me dislike hospitals.
  • I know if I did decide to have my baby in the hospital that I would be strong willed enough to stick to a natural birth plan. Obviously assuming that everything was progressing naturally and all that.
  • I am planning to transfer to a hospital if there are any indications that a home birth is unsafe for me and/or the baby. I don’t have any issue with doing this because I know if it happens then it was necessary and the hospital is the best place for me at that point.
  • I know there are a ton of wonderful, beautiful, enchanting birthing centers around that I can go to and I considered it.
  • I can’t think of anything else you might be thinking that I may be biased against or whatever, but if you have questions definitely ask me.

Okay all that being said, let’s lay out how I came to my decision. Believe me when I first thought of becoming pregnant I didn’t really think of alternative locations of having a child besides a hospital delivery room. Women go to the hospital and have babies. That was a fact in my mind. And doctors deliver those babies. Another fact. As I said, I had no fear of this and I was planning on getting pregnant, visiting the doctor and driving to the hospital when baby decided to show up. Obviously I knew midwives existed and I knew that you could have one at the hospital deliver your baby. When we started “trying”, I started seriously thinking more about what I wanted to do. So I started thinking that a midwife at the hospital might be the way I would go. It seemed like overkill to have an OB/GYN deliver the baby if all is well and it could be handled by a midwife. Several friends of mine have had their babies this way. And an equal number of my friends told me they loved their doctors so they wanted them to deliver their babies. Cool. Maybe if I had a doctor that I loved and was super comfortable with, I would feel that way too. But basically I moved back to Colorado and never really pursued the task of finding the perfect doctor for me. When we first got back in fact, I drove up to my hometown (an hour each way) to see my family doctor for my first annual. It isn’t like I wouldn’t go see a new doctor. Obviously, because I have, but there was something nice about not having to fill out all that damn paperwork that asks about your family history, yada yada yada. This doc knew my mom, knew our family history of cancer, had ordered my baseline ultrasound of my breasts (another story for another day), basically she knew it all. So it just made it easier to be able to show up at her office, spread my legs, and not have to tell my WHOLE story to another person. Again obviously I did this when I went to the current Dr. last year.
Andy and I have always been documentary freaks. Like we will watch documentaries about everything: child prostitution in 3rd world countries, gay hasidic jews, genetically engineered food, obesity in the U.S., etc. If it is out there to be watched we will watch it. Somehow I heard about “The Business of Being Born” and I rented it from Netflix. One of the facts that stuck with me from that documentary, and that has been confirmed by books I have read and my midwife, was that there is a ridiculously low need for intervention in birth, despite how much intervention is seen at the hospital. The rise in use of pitocin, epidurals, cesareans, etc. in the United States is astounding. There are a handful of situations where being induced is necessary, but it is entirely over-used. Cesarean rates in the United States are around 35%. This is a ridiculously high rate compared to other developed countries that have lower infant and mother mortality rates. Anyway, I don’t want to scare anyone, as I said, I am not afraid to give birth in a hospital. I know that I am strong willed enough that I wouldn’t let them push unnecessary interventions. 
But the part of the documentary that was most poignant to me was when it talks about the propensity of the medical field to instill fear in women to convince them they don’t know how to birth. ‘You don’t know what you’re doing, therefore I am going to tell you how this is going to go’. We’ve lost confidence in our body’s ability to have a baby without a doctor/ without drugs/ or whatever we believe. But we fear birth. This is something we were made to do. Or at least I definitely was with my big old birthing hips. The reason so many pregnant women say ‘I am definitely getting an epidural’ is because they have been taught that birth is too painful for them to handle. Now I don’t sit here and think that I am going to push a giant baby out of my hoohaa and feel absolutely no pain. It is more that I know I can handle it (for those of you who are skeptics, refer to my friend Katie’s hypnobirthing site. She will be training me in this technique, she has used it twice and she swears by it. If you haven’t heard of it before definitely look into it for your own birth). Okay, but that is more of my decision to have a natural birth. Thousands of women want to have a natural birth. Obviously “The Business of Being Born” introduces the idea of home birth. At first I watched it alone. This was before we were pregnant and I figured Andy wouldn’t be all that interested in it. When he got home that night I turned to him and said ‘I have a documentary I want you to see. You don’t have to watch it now, but it is making me consider a home birth’. He rolled his eyes and gave me the ‘how much bigger of a hippie can you be? But then he surprised me, he watched it, right then and there. And what was more surprising, he was on board!  From there I started asking questions and I started reading. 
(As I said in the beginning, I don’t want this post to alienate or upset anyone. I am not attacking anyone who was given a cesarean or had to be induced or whatever happened during your birth. Sometimes these things are absolutely necessary. I just think medical intervention during birth is much too liberally applied and it often escalates to a level that could have been avoided in some cases if the doctors and nurses would just let the baby come on its own.)
When I started talking to my friends about it I found out that Pickles’ mom, sort of my adoptive mom, had both him and his brother at home. So I started picking her brain. As I mentioned once before, I think, Pickles’ Mom had a home birth with a midwife back when it was illegal for anyone to assist in the birth of a child except a licensed OB. “The Business..” and several books talk about the smear campaign against midwives and how things were published to make women think that midwives were dangerous and unclean. But in all actuality, most countries in the world use midwives and doctors are reserved for those few cases that need intervention. Anyway, eventually midwife assisted births were made legal again (at least in Colorado, not certain about everywhere else). And now it is perfectly acceptable to use them, just maybe not as widespread.
Pickles mom still had several books from when she was pregnant. One was “Birth without Violence” and one was just titled “Birth”. “Birth” was sort of a collection of stories from all sorts of different births. One that sticks out in my mind was a woman who went into her doctor the day before her due date and asked him to induce her (but she had to come back after her hair appointment to get started, I was loathing her right away). She was induced and then she requested to be “knocked out” completely. She wasn’t conscious for any of it even though it was a vaginal birth. This story kind of shocked me. I get that some women have a very low pain threshold, but this is kind of part of the deal. You get pregnant, so that means eventually you have to get the baby out. Other stories were of home birth, natural hospital births, birthing center births, etc. This book really opened my eyes to the options and I started thinking more seriously about being at home. How wonderful it would be to birth in my own space. To be able to lay in my bed, or take a shower, or sit on my couch, to be able to walk about without being in a hospital gown dragging an IV along with me everywhere I go. This is our home, this is the place we made for our family, it just seemed so right to want to bring this baby into the world here.
By this time Andy and I were both in favor of a home birth. The only time I wavered on the decision was right after I got the positive home test. A bit of panic rushed over me when I realized the amount of unknowns. We didn’t have a midwife yet. Would I be able to find one that we were comfortable with? Maybe I should just scrap this idea and stick with a hospital. But after a couple days I was back to my original decision and each day that goes by I feel more and more confident about it.
At first when people would ask something about my dr.’s visits or our plans. I would kind of skirt the issue and say something like ‘well we are going with a midwife and we are thinking about doing a home birth’. But now my feisty side is out and I am so confident in my decision and in this person who will guide us that I just straight up tell people. ‘We’re having a home birth with a midwife’.
Josey brought up a good point in her comment about home birth. She said her husband isn’t okay with the idea due to the fact that they are so far away from a hospital. First off, most transfers to a hospital/doctor happen before labor is even on the radar. Screening for home births is pretty stringent. If I develop any complications (breech, preeclampsia, incompetent cervix, whatever it is called when your placenta gets ahead of the baby, etc.) the midwife will transfer me to a doctor she works with. So I feel really confident that if I get the okay that all is healthy, there will be no issue of birthing at home. But there is that little worry in everyone’s mind of what if there is an emergency? What if I don’t stop bleeding? What if a shoulder gets stuck? (Read Ina May Gaskin’s “Guide to Childbirth”!). The midwife is trained and able to respond to all these things, but something could happen where we need the hospital during labor. Perhaps one of the things that make me really comfortable with a home birth is that there is a hospital about two miles from our house. I could literally walk myself there if needed. That would look hilarious by the way. It isn’t a hospital that I would choose to birth in if I wasn’t doing  a home birth, but they have an emergency room and I know if it becomes an emergency it will take less than 5 minutes to get there.
I think we live in an absolutely amazing time. Just consider the amount of options we have when it comes to our lives and bodies. Everyone has to decide for themselves what they want from their birth and what they are comfortable with. But I hope this gives you an idea of how I came up with my decision and perhaps you can see why I am so gosh darn excited about it.

If you are interested in other fun resources check out the documentary “Orgasmic Birth”. It introduces the idea that birth can sometimes be enjoyable. Gasp!

IT’S ALIVEEEE!

Sorry to worry you pumpkins. I am alive. I have just been traveling a ton for work. Just got back into town and no time to write anything substantial. Next post will address Oak and Josey’s request as to why I am choosing a home birth. As for now the only critical information you need to know is that yesterday I had this for lunch.

It went down and stayed down. It was the most deliciously glorious lunch I have had in the past 11 weeks. Watch-out sushi it is on like Donkey Kong! Mmmmm I could it some more right now. Gotta go darlings, be back soon.

Hold the Phones

I rolled my sorry ass out of bed this morning to get to work on time despite my 16 hour work day yesterday. I am exhausted and there isn’t a whole lot of brain capacity here to make thoughtful sentences. But I did want to share a bit of laughter with you.

Last night on the plane ride back, I was filling out the paperwork for my meeting with my midwife today. Some of the questions were simple like “why do you want to have a home birth?” “how do you feel about having to go to the hospital if the midwife determines it is necessary?”. But some of them were harder. Questions about making critical decisions about the baby, about how you will react if something goes wrong, if the baby is injured or dies, if you are injured or die. Serious questions. Nothing I am really worried about. I tend to be a pretty relaxed person. I know that my midwife will do everything in her power to make sure we have a safe birth and I know if there is anything that suggests there will be a problem I will be at a hospital.

But as I was thinking about these questions, I had my first freak out. Not about the questions, about being a mom. I looked at my hands and they looked giant. I was thinking about this itty bitty person that is going to be living with us full-time and I kind of had a mini-internal-freak-out. Wait a minute! No one verified my qualifications to be a mom. No one reviewed my resume or checked a list of references or made sure I went through a proper training seminar. No one has officially observed me in a room with a baby and made sure I can handle myself. I mean shouldn’t someone do these things? Like check and make sure that I am qualified? Isn’t there some sort of test that I should have passed?

I mean I know I can do these things. I know think I know that I am qualified and will be a good mom. But like shouldn’t some official person give me some sort of stamp of approval? or like a certificate? You know like CPR training? For god sakes no one even checked to make sure I know CPR! I do know CRP, but no one has verified it. O.M.G! Kids are squirmy, look at this little girl sitting next to me, she can’t stop moving. What if the baby squirms right out of my arms? Should I make some sort of harness system like in rock climbing so I can be sure they stop before they hit the ground? OMG I am totally going to be one of those harness parents. That walk around with their kids on a leash. I am probably going to make my kid wear a helmet.

Look at this little girl’s sweatshirt. It is all dirty. Where is her mother to make sure she wears a clean sweatshirt on a plane. What if my kids are dirty? What will people think of me if I have dirty kids? I mean if my kids are too clean all the time and I change them like a million times a day then I will look like a freak. Kids get dirty, that is what they do. But my god! her sweatshirt is so dirty.
Freak-out Number 1