Gucci Mama (and any other people who shouldn’t be reading a post with this title), away with your delicate eyes and mind, I don’t want you to be poisoned by the things that are about to come out of my trashy fingers. Return some other day with a far more appropriate post. To set your mind at ease I don’t nor have I ever had sex. Now away with you darlings. Kisses.
For the rest of ya, let’s talk about sex for a second. I was reading a section in What to Expect..blah blah. It starts out by saying something like “sorry ladies, pregnancy is not an excuse to not have sex”. Which made me laugh. When I got off the B.C. I remember being kind of shocked at the return of my sex drive. I hadn’t realized how long it had been gone or how much it had dwindled from what it was a decade ago
when I first set out to seduce Andy …..what just happened? where am I? Okay I’ll be honest I was a bit of a slutty slut when it came to Andy. I had never been this way with any of my previous boyfriends. I blame those seductive baby blues. Or maybe it was his slightly tortured demeaner. Or that he seemed rather dangerous to me. Whatever it was, it was like someone had all of a sudden lit my underpants on fire. I was like a groupie ready to take them off and throw them at him. So as you can discern, Andy stole my virtue despite my protests. I started B.C. before things between us escalated. I am a slutty slut, but I was at least a protected one. Apparently my raging teenage appropriate-aged hormones were no match for the sedative power of the B.C. Or at least not for a few years. By the time I was 24 I had noticed my drive was lower, but just thought that was pretty normal. When I kicked B.C. to the curb it was like I was 17 appropriate-aged again. All of a sudden it was Andy who wanted to beat me off with a stick. I was suprised that this part of me was still in there somewhere.
Once the plus sign showed up, I wasn’t sure what to expect. What would happen now? Obviously the first few weeks not much was different with me, but as a reward to Andy for being such a good sport the previous year and change I thought I had better give him a little break. But 17-year-old Natalie was still in there. After a while I was ready to get back to it. Now things were more fun, there was no temp monitoring leading to mandatory sex or laying there for 15 minutes not getting up to pee or shower. This sex was better. Not just more fun, but better. I would equate it to the difference between a donut and a creme brulee. I would never turn down either, but one is definitely the superior dessert…Great now I want Creme Brulee. I am not too sure how much to tell you here people, but let’s just say my visits to O-town are more frequent and more fun.
But I am starting to think maybe the sex drive is getting a little out of hand. First of all, it is invading my dreams. My dreams have become so vivid and real that it actually feels like I am living them. It started a few nights ago when I dreamed we went to an adult store to spice some things up. I woke up trying to remember exactly where the store was in the city. Then last night’s dream took the cake. I woke up at 4 am this morning trying to figure out why that one wasn’t really happening. I checked the clock. Weighed the consequences of waking Andy up after he had been up late working on his final projects and presentations for this week. Then I decided it would be better just to try to get back to sleep. Good luck with that. I couldn’t stop thinking about my dream. What on earth am I going to do? I feel like eventually I will turn into Kevin Spacey’s character in American Beauty. Eventually Andy is going to wake up to find me taking care of business and I will have to pretend I am not a crazy sex addict. But to be perfectly honest I am not the least bit sad about this newest pregnancy development.