I rolled my sorry ass out of bed this morning to get to work on time despite my 16 hour work day yesterday. I am exhausted and there isn’t a whole lot of brain capacity here to make thoughtful sentences. But I did want to share a bit of laughter with you.
Last night on the plane ride back, I was filling out the paperwork for my meeting with my midwife today. Some of the questions were simple like “why do you want to have a home birth?” “how do you feel about having to go to the hospital if the midwife determines it is necessary?”. But some of them were harder. Questions about making critical decisions about the baby, about how you will react if something goes wrong, if the baby is injured or dies, if you are injured or die. Serious questions. Nothing I am really worried about. I tend to be a pretty relaxed person. I know that my midwife will do everything in her power to make sure we have a safe birth and I know if there is anything that suggests there will be a problem I will be at a hospital.
But as I was thinking about these questions, I had my first freak out. Not about the questions, about being a mom. I looked at my hands and they looked giant. I was thinking about this itty bitty person that is going to be living with us full-time and I kind of had a mini-internal-freak-out. Wait a minute! No one verified my qualifications to be a mom. No one reviewed my resume or checked a list of references or made sure I went through a proper training seminar. No one has officially observed me in a room with a baby and made sure I can handle myself. I mean shouldn’t someone do these things? Like check and make sure that I am qualified? Isn’t there some sort of test that I should have passed?
I mean I know I can do these things. I
know think I know that I am qualified and will be a good mom. But like shouldn’t some official person give me some sort of stamp of approval? or like a certificate? You know like CPR training? For god sakes no one even checked to make sure I know CPR! I do know CRP, but no one has verified it. O.M.G! Kids are squirmy, look at this little girl sitting next to me, she can’t stop moving. What if the baby squirms right out of my arms? Should I make some sort of harness system like in rock climbing so I can be sure they stop before they hit the ground? OMG I am totally going to be one of those harness parents. That walk around with their kids on a leash. I am probably going to make my kid wear a helmet.
Look at this little girl’s sweatshirt. It is all dirty. Where is her mother to make sure she wears a clean sweatshirt on a plane. What if my kids are dirty? What will people think of me if I have dirty kids? I mean if my kids are too clean all the time and I change them like a million times a day then I will look like a freak. Kids get dirty, that is what they do. But my god! her sweatshirt is so dirty.
Freak-out Number 1