Hold the Phones

I rolled my sorry ass out of bed this morning to get to work on time despite my 16 hour work day yesterday. I am exhausted and there isn’t a whole lot of brain capacity here to make thoughtful sentences. But I did want to share a bit of laughter with you.

Last night on the plane ride back, I was filling out the paperwork for my meeting with my midwife today. Some of the questions were simple like “why do you want to have a home birth?” “how do you feel about having to go to the hospital if the midwife determines it is necessary?”. But some of them were harder. Questions about making critical decisions about the baby, about how you will react if something goes wrong, if the baby is injured or dies, if you are injured or die. Serious questions. Nothing I am really worried about. I tend to be a pretty relaxed person. I know that my midwife will do everything in her power to make sure we have a safe birth and I know if there is anything that suggests there will be a problem I will be at a hospital.

But as I was thinking about these questions, I had my first freak out. Not about the questions, about being a mom. I looked at my hands and they looked giant. I was thinking about this itty bitty person that is going to be living with us full-time and I kind of had a mini-internal-freak-out. Wait a minute! No one verified my qualifications to be a mom. No one reviewed my resume or checked a list of references or made sure I went through a proper training seminar. No one has officially observed me in a room with a baby and made sure I can handle myself. I mean shouldn’t someone do these things? Like check and make sure that I am qualified? Isn’t there some sort of test that I should have passed?

I mean I know I can do these things. I know think I know that I am qualified and will be a good mom. But like shouldn’t some official person give me some sort of stamp of approval? or like a certificate? You know like CPR training? For god sakes no one even checked to make sure I know CPR! I do know CRP, but no one has verified it. O.M.G! Kids are squirmy, look at this little girl sitting next to me, she can’t stop moving. What if the baby squirms right out of my arms? Should I make some sort of harness system like in rock climbing so I can be sure they stop before they hit the ground? OMG I am totally going to be one of those harness parents. That walk around with their kids on a leash. I am probably going to make my kid wear a helmet.

Look at this little girl’s sweatshirt. It is all dirty. Where is her mother to make sure she wears a clean sweatshirt on a plane. What if my kids are dirty? What will people think of me if I have dirty kids? I mean if my kids are too clean all the time and I change them like a million times a day then I will look like a freak. Kids get dirty, that is what they do. But my god! her sweatshirt is so dirty.
Freak-out Number 1

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5 thoughts on “Hold the Phones

  1. 1 of a million, I'm sure. :)At least you realize that women SHOULD have to go through testing to become mothers. I think that automatically puts you in the GOOD mom category!

  2. a) super curious how you decided to do a home birth. Are you seeing an OB as well for your prenatal. tell me more, tell me more. b) I was dropped on my head as an infant and trooly beleef I turnd owt jusd grate.

  3. Oak – If I lived closer to a hospital (we're 30 minutes from the nearest one) I'd 100% be doing a home water birth. My girlfriend who lives 10 minutes from the hospital just did it 2 weeks ago even. It's pretty common in Colorado. 🙂 That being said, my hubby is NOT comfortable being that far away, so we'll probably compromise on a water birth at the hospital (a feature they JUST added!), hopefully with a Midwife (depending on insurance crapola). In CO (where both Nat and I live) the midwives are all licensed, and many of them work with OBs, but you don't go to an OB unless there are complications beyond the Midwife's ability to treat. Check out the book "Your Best Birth" by Ricki Lake – that honestly had a lot to do with the decision for me. @Natalie – I'm curious to hear your answer to this! I guess I've never asked – I just knew you were a little crunchy, even moreso than me. 🙂

  4. Lol, I ❤ You! I don't need to assure you of how qualified you are, bigs hands. Here's something for you though, Tim and I often think of how weird it is that when we say "Laura" or "Charlotte" to our girls that we actually NAMED them…like we said "you shall be called…" and it WAS, and will be the rest of their lives (unless they come to think we were just horribly wrong and changed their names…that would be sad) Kinda crazy even when I think about it now, Laura is "Laura" because I said so.Motherhood is the most incredible journey, from carrying, and caring for EVERY need (even as far as a womb to grow in) to letting them become their own little selves. I will never get used to the amazingness of it, but it is challenging to know that every decision you make for them and every act on your part as a Mom may have consequences. Of course there's so much good along with it, like the giant hug when you get home because the love you show them everyday comes back ten-fold. When they are so excited to see you, just because you are Mom. Even after a LONG day of teething (and cake), I have to admit it's still incredibly rewarding.

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