Out of the Closet

I was talking with Emmicakes on Wednesday and I told her that I was finally ready to start spreading the news. She and Pickles forced me to tell our friends at a going away party a few weeks ago and the week after I found out, she arranged a dinner so I could tell Pickles’ parents. Basically she has been pushing me since the beginning because she hates keeping secrets. Obviously we told our closest friends and our family, but I have been really reserved about telling everyone at work and my extended network of friends. Emmicakes is so surprised that I wasn’t shouting it from the rooftops a month ago and she’s said ‘I don’t understand why you are so nervous to tell people, this is happy news’. And she is right. It is happy news and I am obviously ecstatic about it. But something has been seriously holding me back until now. At first it was wanting to wait until the 8 week ultrasound. I wanted to know there was a heartbeat so I could feel more confident about telling people. The ultrasound came and went and still I didn’t feel ready. A couple weeks later I told my boss and then a few days after that, one of my other co-workers who is a friend. But at our staff meeting, around my 10 week mark, I considered telling them, but then felt awkward about bringing it up. There are four women in our office and while 97% of the men are all dads, there was just something about telling a big group of guys I was pregnant. It felt strange. My boss was super chill about it. He said I should wait until I was more comfortable telling people. He must have sensed my apprehension. Of course my other two co-workers who knew kept saying ‘you need to make an announcement’. Then there was the facebook friends, and my clients, and the people at volunteer training last weekend. I am not entirely sure why I didn’t want to bring it up with all of them. But this week I took my first steps to letting it out. On Tuesday we had another staff meeting and at the end the big boss said ‘Anyone have anything else they want to say?’. And so I mustered up all my might and awkwardly blurted out ‘well, Andy and I are having a kid’. I don’t know why I was so apprehensive about it. Everyone was happily surprised and they all clapped and said congratulations. Jeff, a very manly dude, came over and said he would make sure we put a glider in the nursing room so I would have a really comfortable place to sit and he has since offered me his pack-n-play and baby swing (I think his kids are 13 and 16, hahaha). Mike’s wife has sent me 5 bags of baby/maternity stuff, which is so stinkin’ cute. I don’t have the heart to tell him that his wife is about half my size and her medium maternity shirts probably aren’t big enough to fit me now. Thank goodness my step sister is littler than me. But I have to say I am kind of shocked at the response. I guess I was anticipating an “oh, cool” and then nothing else. But everyone has been so sweet and excited for me. It makes me feel silly for waiting this long.
Last night Andy and I were talking and he said our friend Stotts wants to put the picture of my ultrasound up on his facebook. I should explain, this picture:

Photoshopped for me by Big Butter (pure awesome). Andy obviously loved it and sent it to Stotts. But I told him not to tag me in it otherwise all of my friends could see it. He was surprised I hadn’t shared the news on FB. And I didn’t have a good answer for him. I told him I hate it when people post shit like ‘I am so in love with my husband’ or ‘I just had a bagel’. It just seems like trivial shit that no one really needs to hear about and they just post them to get attention. I kind of feel like saying I am pregnant is the same thing. Like ‘ooo look at me’. And I think therein lies my problem. This whole time the thing that has made it harder to tell people than anything else is to call attention to myself, that coupled with the fear that tomorrow I will wake up and realize I am in fact not pregnant and this was just something I made up in my sick head. So fear of losing the baby and fear of attention is what is making me, apparently, abnormal when it comes to wanting to share my news. I think I would probably be perfectly content just showing up next year with pictures of a baby on my page. A friend of mine did that. At first I was like ‘WTF, why didn’t she tell anyone?’, but now that I am in this spot, I was starting to think how appealing the idea of just showing up with a baby really is. I know I am silly. So after talking with Andy last night and after reading Ina May’s discussion of fear causing problems during labor (I know, left field there), I started thinking I need to overcome my fears. I need to approach this thing fear-free. No more worrying about my ability to hold this baby in there, no more fear of calling attention to myself. Therefore this morning, I uploaded the image into a photo album labeled “nugget” and titled it “Future Zombie Hunter”. And I left it at that. People will figure it out from there. Oh and first I went through my list of friends and unfriended someone who shouldn’t have been there in the first place. That is a long dramatic story, but basically our friendship fell apart almost two years ago and for some reason neither of us has unfriended the other. But I knew she wouldn’t be supportive of my pregnancy and frankly I didn’t want to share it with her. So I unfriended her and posted the picture. So I am officially out of the closet and I am going to make a real effort to share with people, even strangers if an opportunity arises. I don’t have to just walk up to people and say ‘hey guess what? I am pregnant. Do you want to hear all about it?’, but I should at least try to get more comfortable if an opportunity casually presents itself. When I think more about it, I just don’t really understand myself sometimes.

3 thoughts on “Out of the Closet

  1. PHEW! That read like one long run-on sentence Natalie. LOL I can't saw I understand your fears, but I do have a feeling I'll be the same way. If I ever get that BFP, I'm going to be so afraid of complications (that first trimester anyway) that I'm not sure we'll be telling anyone either. Also, FB is hard for me. Really hard. Seeing YOUR pic this morning I was stoked b/c I know your story, but I have some friends who LOOK at their hubby's wrong and get KU (repeatedly) and they post weekly ultrasound pics/etc and I just can't handle it. FB is a weird thing. I've deleted 100+ people recently, and it feels GOOD.

  2. I'm glad you are sharing, course you're bump will announce it to the world before too long too 🙂 And way to let go of your fear, we will talk about this in class in the near future too! It is exciting news, new life is amazing, I never cease to cry while watching birth, and I hate to say it, but more attention will come your way, asked for or not. We're here to let you share your fears/frustrations and your joys!

  3. I think it's exciting that you are starting to tell people. I have thought about what I would do in this situation, and even though I think I'd want to wait as long as possible, I am horrible at keeping secrets. Even going through this IUI has me chomping at the bit to tell people, yet no one knows we're even trying. You obviously did it when you felt the time was right. And I think it's so cute all the guys at your office that have been supportive!

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