News rollin’ in….slowly.

Again, thanks for all the feedback and well-wishes. Turns out all your positive energy made the difference. I received an e-mail from Shelly this morning to say Dad’s bone scan came back clear and that they have finally determined that it is isolated in his prostate. She didn’t elaborate too much, but said “there are treatment options aimed at a cure!” and that they want to discuss it with the whole family this weekend. Side note: we have our family reunion down in exotic Raton, NM this weekend. It is my grandma’s christmas gift to everyone for us to all go stay in the holiday inn express, eat finger sandwiches, and play twister…..or if you ask us grandkids it is our christmas gift to her so that she can have a weekend to play with all the greatgrandbabies and we can revel in all the crazy stories she will tell. This is coming at a great time. Big family together-time event to reinforce the importance of keeping our relationships strong and such.
We’re still waiting for the vet’s analysis on Lincoln’s shoulder. Turns out “we just have to wait until Wednesday” has turned it to “guess we’ll be lucky to get it all figured out before the weekend”. We still haven’t been able to talk with the vet. I am trying to take that as a sign that Lincoln is going to be just fine…..although wouldn’t you want to give your clients some relief from the worry….whatever back to denial land for me.
Not to blabber on about my dog, but he really is the one I know more about. He has been doing a lot better with the medications. He is hopping around on three legs and even doing some running. It is like he is realizing ‘I don’t need this stinkin’ leg’. I may have caved last night and brought him into bed with us. BUT in my defense, we were out to dinner with Andy’s dad until really late last night, long story…not sure if I will spill on that one, so we didn’t get home until 10pm and that was obviously insufficient cuddle time for me and Lincoln. So he hopped down the stairs and followed me right into the bedroom like it was normal. He sat on the floor and I thought I had better wait for Andy to come and get him up on the bed. We have a high bed. When I came back in the room he was up on the bed looking at me like ‘hi!’. So apparently he can still jump really well with just three legs. Basically I am trying to have a positive outlook. He seems to be doing well on the drugs, so maybe the 1-2 months of keep him comfortable won’t be a bad time for him. But again, denial-land Natalie has decided that the first vet was totally wrong.
In other news I have decided to forgive myself, take the “no regrets” approach to 2011. As you might have imagined while waiting for the news about dad I was feeling pretty guilty about this little post here. The part sticking in my pea-brain was:
“Basically, I came to the realization that this is who my dad is, he has always been this. This is who I am left with. And what makes me feel guilty, is I would do anything to trade him for my mother.”
But you know what? That is how I was feeling at the time. There have been numerous occasions where my dad has made me feel like a sub-priority….is that a word? *Adding to the Natalie Dictionary*. I decided that this prostate cancer is a test, but not necessarily for me. I think of the challenges in life as tests….I can’t help it, I really liked school, so I just seem to relate everything back to it. It’s like it dumbs down the concepts for me. Anyhoo, so yeah, this is a test. Technically I am participating in it, but I think it is a test for my dad. Now he is the cancer patient. Now he is experiencing how scary and horrible the unknown can be. I think he always went through life with the indignant thought that my mom’s lifestyle attributed to her cancer….which probably had a part in it. She wasn’t the healthiest eater, she didn’t exercise as much as he did, she liked chocolate (who could blame her). I would say she was maybe 50-70lbs overweight. But her and I carry extra weight the same, we can hide it well on our tall frames, so you might not necessarily look at us and think we look fat. Anyway, my dad has been like super-healthy guy for as long as I have known him. He bicycles, hikes, rockclimbs, runs, swims, skiis, etc. And not like ‘these are the things I like to do every once in a while’. He does several of those activities in a week. Sometimes everyday. Sometimes mutliple activities in a day. He’s crazy. Maybe an endorphine-addict. Who knows? So I think this diagnosis was a wake up call. I think he realized no one is safe from this. I think he realized that even though he thought he was being supportive of my mom’s feelings and trying to help her through the being scared shit-less phase, that he didn’t fully understand it until now. 
Anyway, my intent of this dribble is not to bag on my dad some more. I think it is starting to come off that way. But I guess what I am hoping from this “test” is that it will give him time for reflection. Maybe he will come out the other side exactly the same as he was before. But maybe it will cause the change I have been hoping for. The ‘realize the importance of your family’ change. And maybe it is happening right now because that change is going to happen just when it is most important, before the arrival of his first grandbaby. That is my hope anyway.  

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4 thoughts on “News rollin’ in….slowly.

  1. I'm so glad the good news is rolling in for you. I often have felt guilty about things I say on my blog, but your're exactly right. It's a snapshot of how you were feeling at the time and that's ok. Hope the good news keeps coming.

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