Waddling, and Stretch Marks, and Relaxin Oh My!

This is a full-disclosure kind of blog, so I feel it only fair to keep you all up to date on silly pregnancy-related stuff going on. First off, my Harry Potter stretch mark is no longer alone. He (because all stretch marks have to be male) called his friends over for a party it seems. Whatevs. As I have stated before, I have never been, nor will I ever be a swimsuit model. I lost all chances of that when I went from 5′-4″ to 5′-11″ in like fourteen hours as a teenager. My hips and boobs were ruined long before Nugget. In fact, the stretch marks from this pregnancy are still miniscule compared to my teenage ones. They look more like itty bitty cat scratches down by my bikini line. Granted we have a while to go yet, so who knows what the end result will be, but c’est la vie (I provide culture in French as well).
As for waddling, I might as well be a freakin’ duck. I look so ridiculous. Everytime I get up to start walking it is like I am learning to do it for the first time. After a few warm-up steps I am able to concentrate and try to minimize the waddling. From everything I have read, you should try to walk as normally as possible….yeah okay, easy for someone to type and publish.
The drooling, still way out of control. I have been drooling enough to wake myself up because laying in a cold puddle of spit is never that fun. Usually I am too groggy to do anything about it, so I try to relocate my face to a drier area of the pillow and pass back out. Sometimes I am so tired that I just put my hand over the wet spot and then plant my face on my hand….classy. Apparently I need to be sleeping on some sort of advanced drainage system type contraption, sort of like a bird cage, where the water can fall down and collect below the floor, but it has to be comfy, no one wants a waffle face in the morning.
My chica Oak wrote a post a while back about perineal massage….hilarious. Well Andy and I “sat down” for our first “massage” the other night and it feels weird saying this, but I think I would kind of rather have a chick do it. No I don’t have a specific chick in mind or anything. Boys are like way too motivated to get that area ready. Despite the fact that the book said he should start by just applying a little pressure, he got all carried away wanting to push the limits of my comfort zone. In reality, considering the time frame and how much we’ve been procrastinating about this, pushing a little farther is probably not a bad thing, but I had to try extra hard to relax. *sigh* I am hoping it will get more comfortable each time he does it.
For those who don’t know, when you’re preggo your body distributes a hormone called Relaxin throughout your body to make you more flexible. It makes sense when you think about your pelvis having to widen and stretch to get that noggin’ through it. But the downside is, everything gets more flexible. Stuff that doesn’t need to get flexible. So in turn, you have to be more careful. The other night I went into the closet to get in my PJs and when I stood on my left leg to get my pants off the right (keep it clean people!….yes I was just talking about massaging my lady parts, you’re right, it is my fault this is a dirty post), I almost collapsed because my hip gave out. Scared the crap out of me. It didn’t hurt or anything, but I felt like the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz when he is all trying to walk and keeps falling down…..wait was that the Tin Man or the Scarecrow? I am thinking Scarecrow now. Okay it doesn’t really matter, you get my point. It happened again a day or so later when I got up out of bed and my knee gave out and I banged into the bedframe. That one hurt. So from now on I have been using handrails and moving like a snail on stairs. I look like a little old lady….a little old duck lady.
Eh it is all in good fun, in six months when I am looking back I am going to be like ‘remember how awesome it was that I kept almost eating shit all the time?’…okay you’re right, I probably won’t think that.
Also something to keep in mind, the 8-month pregnancy marker is not the time to test the limits of your bladder. Pregnancy in general is not the time to test it, but especially here at the end. Just because you used to be able to wait 10 more minutes until you get back to the office doesn’t mean you still can. No one likes the girl who pees her pants. So when you feel the urge, answer the call right away….no I didn’t pee my pants, but it got pretty darn close. To the point where if it had taken me any longer to get my pants down upon entering the stall, I certainly would have.

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6 thoughts on “Waddling, and Stretch Marks, and Relaxin Oh My!

  1. For some reason I go from zero to pee my pants in two seconds these days. There ain't no baby growing in my belly either. It's like I aged 30 years over night. Of course I still test the limits and had a serious "incident" just two weeks ago. There is nothing sexy about a 30 something women peeing in her pants just steps from the toilet let me tell ya. 🙂

  2. LOL, I love your honesty. I get ya on the perineal massage thing – I feel like girls would be "gentler" and just get it better… funny that you said that though. 🙂

  3. Well, this whole Relaxin thing makes my whole attempt at prenatal yoga an even bigger FAIL. Maybe I didn't get mine. Don't worry, post about it to come – maybe even with embarrassing pictures.

  4. Just wanted to let you know I'm a stretch mark queen too my friend… I went from a training bra to a c cup in one summer, and my poor boobs are a lined mess because of it! It is what it is! 😉

  5. I was seriously close to ROFL at this one, thank you for making your childbirth educator friend proud! I'm so glad we are all sharing in the amazingness. I read a book where a woman who had stretch mark "scars" on her belly was considered more beautiful and desireable because she was considered fertile and part of an elite group (motherhood). I like to think of my belly that way, as a unique sign that I am part of something wonderful (not that I'm showing it off or anything…I just like to feel better with myself a la natural)

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