Just Call Me Rocky

We did it! The Nugget and I have officially reached the point of “safe to birth at home”. 37 weeks bitches…..no I am not calling you a bitch. I am just excited. I feel like Rocky after running up all those steps and dancing around at the top of the stairs in his grey sweat suit. Granted, if I were to recreate that scene right now, it would last 60 times as long as you watch me pant and sweat my way up those steps at a snails pace. Then I would have to pause hunched over for a few minutes catching my breath before I could proceed with the victory dance, but whatevs, you get the point.
It was amazing how paranoid I was the last few days leading up to this morning. Josey is in town and while we talked about meeting up I thought sushi was in order because I recall her saying there is no good sushi where she lives. Or maybe safe sushi? But then I thought ‘wait until after Monday!’. Anytime I approached a patch of ice, images of falling and breaking my pelvis open seeped into my brain. When we were out to dinner last night with Josey and Charlie, I looked around at everyone’s beer and thought ‘oh just one couldn’t hurt’, but then paranoid Natalie said ‘not until after tomorrow!’. Thank god this series of paranoid behavior only took place over the past few days and not the months leading up to this point. But now that I am here, I am ready for sushi and a beer.
This weekend was super busy. Friday I ran around with a hefty to do list. I went to get fitted for nursing bras and actually found a couple that weren’t hideous. The first one the lady handed me gave me torpedo boobs and she could hear me giggling from inside the dressing room. By the way, why in the hell would you make dressing rooms at a nursing bra store 2 feet wide? More than once I hit my elbow on the wall behind me and I could here the sales lady say ‘I’m sorry’. Nothing makes you feel like a giant pregnant whale like trying to get in and out of bras in a miniature room. Does anyone else think nursing bras are really bizarre? Don’t get me wrong, I am all about the breast feeding. Big hippie that I am, I see the importance. But it is super strange that the bras have a flap that you flip down and all of a sudden your nipple is out. I am pretty sure I recall naughty lingerie that had similar nipple holes….which makes me wonder if anyone has ever been turned on by nipples. I think they are kind of ugly, but that is probably because mine are all giant and brown. TMI? You’re welcome.
After bras, I ran around returning the handful of items from the shower we didn’t need. I think I have mentioned before how I wish that babies came with something similar to a camp check-list. Did you ever go to a summer camp that issued lists? I did: 1 flashlight with extra batteries, etc. I wish babies came with a list like that: 16 – size 0 white onesies, 14 pairs of teeny tiny socks, etc. That would be super helpful, especially for those anal retentive peeps like myself. I have pestered the shit out of friends who have babies and the best answers I can get when I say “how many newborn onesies do I need?” is “a lot”. Thanks for nothin’! I finally received a semi-straight forward answer when I asked my friend Lynn how many receiving blankets she had. She said ‘at least 12’. Sweet! That is something I can work with. So I kept 17 receiving blankets and returned a package of four.
When I got home from my errands, I began rebuilding the couch downstairs. Coby, our middle dog and the reason I will never own another female, has decided that the couch in the basement is a giant chew toy. I have revived this couch at least three times from her destructive paws/teeth. Each time I come up with a bigger and better plan on how to keep her “out” and each time she shows extreme resolve as she tears it apart. I should just give up and throw it out, but it seems we are both really hard headed. On Friday I attempted it again and congratulated myself on a stellar job….only to come home on Saturday night to see that she had torn my hardwork apart and started pulling out the stuffing again. *sigh*
On Saturday we had our home visit with the team of midwives. My midwife and her midwife friend who will be assisting came by with Caroline, the apprentice. I think Andy was more than a little overwhelmed by the three of them in our house. He continued to mill around in other rooms as I took them on the tour, even though I am pretty sure the whole idea of them coming on a Saturday was so that he could hear everything as well. When we all sat down at the table to talk things over, I finally called him over, pointed to the empty chair and said ‘that one is for you’. We discussed the proceedures for notifying them when things start up. Karen gave me a list of “when to call the midwife” signals, as well as the emergency form that we now have affixed to our fridge. She handed Andy a list of “what if things move really fast and the baby comes before the midwife”. Fortunately this is something I think he would be completely competent at, should the situation arise. My favorite part of the visit was when Karen handed me the Strep B test and I said ‘do you want me to pee on that?’. The Strep B test consists of a long q-tip which you swab inside your lady parts, over your perineum and across your…..out hole. Eeewww! I guess I am glad she let me do this myself, but I have to tell you, could they make those q-tips drier? I might as well have been swiping sand paper across my sensitive parts, it was that uncomfortable. After I asked if she wanted me to mark it with my pee, we all busted out laughing as she explained what it was. After I wrapped that test up, we headed down to the bedroom so they could feel the baby. You remember how I was talking about how awesome it was to get a double belly massage from Caroline and Karen at my previous appointment? Yeah well this time I got the triple massage, since all three of them wanted to feel little Nugget. After they left, Andy pointed out that I had the shotgun sitting next to the bed….redneck as shit, I tell you what. I completely forgot about that. You probably won’t be surprised to hear that I didn’t put it there. Andy put it there because in the event of a break-in, I have strict instructions to roll off my side of the bed and provide cover fire as he “clears” the house. This is definitely the comedic side of having a husband who used to be in the military. He takes it very seriously and I probably would too if I wasn’t of the “people are basically good” mindset. Anyhoodles. After they left and he pointed it out, I was more than a little mortified. I will have to bring it up at my appointment this Friday and try to make some sort of joke about it. The consensus about Nugget is he is a long little fellow. His butt is all the way up by my boobs and his head is way down by my pelvis. He hasn’t fully dropped and Karen said he has some more growing to do. The estimation is he is about 6 lbs right now and she thinks he’ll be about 8lbs. The only downside to the whole visit was that the second midwife is allergic to dogs. So now I kind of feel obligated to figure out what to do with them while she is there. Lincoln won’t be a problem because he doesn’t overwhelm people who don’t want to pet him. But the other two, good luck getting away from being bombarded by them. We talked about the possibility of moving their crates out into Andy’s garage and letting them just run around outside. I just hope that it is warm and they don’t annoy the crap out of us by dragging their nails on the sliding glass door. Yeah it is our fault for spoiling the shit out of them and making them inside dogs.
After the appointment, I headed north to go shopping with crazy g-ma. I was super excited to spend the day talking super positively with her about the baby and all the things we have to look forward to. But, true to form, she discussed my cousin’s poor relationship choices, my grandpa’s death, my mom’s death, yada yada yada. It is really hard not being emotionally drained by spending time with her. We did have some positive spans of time, namely while we were at Bab.iesR.Us and we started looking at cute little outfits for Nugget to wear to my cousin’s wedding in April. Overall we had a really nice time though. On my way home I dropped by our friend Lynn’s house and picked up some of her old baby clothes….two giant boxes full. I now have enough 0-9 month clothes for at least twins, if not triplets. I was sorting through them last night and I have no idea if we have enough drawer space for them all. My prediction is that Nugget won’t wear most of them, but I could be surprised by the amount of changes in my future. My favorite part of the day was when I got home, unloaded the car and pulled out a newborn diaper. It is seriously the cutest thing I have ever seen. Okay I realize it is a pee and poo receptical, but it is the size of a 3″x5″ notecard. It was super cute, but at the same time, scared the shit out of me. A very little person will be fitting into that sized diaper and I have to keep that person alive. Holy shit, don’t think about it. 
On Sunday we had our maternity photos. Andy was a good sport, but he really REALLY hates to get his picture taken. I am so excited to see what the photographer got, hopefully she was able to mask my double chin and make me look cute. After pictures we met up with Josey and Charlie at Old C’s. It was pretty freakin’ hilarious as Charlie and Andy both told us their opinion about how crazy we were for meeting people online. Pretty sure Andy brought up skin suits and Charlie said he would have thought it was absolutely hilarious if they would have walked into the restaurant and we wouldn’t have been there. The good news is they didn’t appear to have issues with each other (like guns-check, drink beer-check, like to get hammered-check), so now that we’ve all met I am pretty sure Josey and I won’t find any resistance next time. After we got home Andy even asked ‘how far of a drive is it to them?’. Which I translate to mean ‘if you suggest that we go down and meet them for camping this summer, I won’t be opposed’. Maybe I read too much into that? I don’t think so though. When I got home I of course thought of a million more things I wanted to talk to Josey about. It was definitely no where near enough time. But we did at least get the important issue of needing to schedule a winter skiing/drinking rendezvous next year (pending pregnancies naturally). I hope for nothing more than for her to be unable to ski or drink next year because she is all super pregnant. Of course, if things cooperate for her first IUI, she may be able to squeeze in a late season. I know Oak would be up for it. So it isn’t like we have any official plans, but if you’d be up for it, everyone is invited. I am thinking at minimum we need to rent a cabin with a hot tub. Maybe there won’t be skiing. Maybe some of us won’t be drinking. There will probably be more than one baby. But at minimum we need to have s’mores and make snow angels. Like a grown up girl scout sleepover. Whew sorry for that long brain dump. A lot happened last weekend. I’ll try to keep the next posts short and sweet.

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7 thoughts on “Just Call Me Rocky

  1. So, the gun thing cracks me up. In our house I'm the one with the gun and the 'in the event of a break-in' plan, but that's because I'm Italian and we like to be armed. Marmot thinks I'm insane.A coworker of mine told me her nipples grew to like an inch long when she breastfed, and never shrunk back to normal size. She called them National Geographic nipples. Please report back and let me know if this really happens.

  2. Even though I knew most of this post already, it still made me laugh to read. 🙂 So great meeting you yesterday!!! The ski trip sounds awesome – let's do it!

  3. Yay for 37 weeks! And I am SO in for the ski trip…and babies, but no more for me, so others need to bring the babies. Can't wait to see the photos and to get "the call", but we should chat soon too, even if it's not "the call" 🙂

  4. That gun thing is hilarious. I think we all have crazy things laying around the house that we forget are there. So excited for 37 weeks. I'm pretty sure we're all in agreeement here that we are going to need to see your rocky montage. If you could go ahead and get that recorded and posted that would be great. 🙂

  5. Your post was hilarious! Especially the whole gun part .. . :DBaby clothes – depends on if the baby is a spitter-upper or not on how many you'll go through/need. And if you are not like me, and smart enough to put a bib on him, which I wasn't. Although sometimes there are just full-clothes-soaking spit ups. :)Good luck with the last few weeks!

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