Who am I?

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. It isn’t that I haven’t had time, it is my lack of computer. Apparently my husband needs to take his laptop to school and shit and when he gets home he has like homework. I know, total B.S. I do have a computer of my own, but it is an 8 year old laptop that runs on diesel. It has to be plugged into the wall (forcing me to sit 4 inches away from an outlet. Apparently no one knew how to design convenient cords 8 years ago) and it overheats, which means it randomly dies at the most inopportune times. Thus, this is the first opportunity that I have had to commandeer Andy’s laptop and check-in. He is being all manly and cutting down the dead trees between us and our neighbors house. Score laptop time for me!
Life is totally different right now. Not in a bad way. Not in a like ‘what the hell has happened to my life?’ kind of way. It is more of a ‘I don’t even remember what my life was like before this’ kind of thing. It feels like this is exactly how it is supposed to be. When I look at Jack sleeping away and every once in a while doing his “shocked arms” where he flails his hands out above his head (hilarious!) I obviously realize how new he is and that these experiences all feel new, but at the same time it feels like he was meant to be here. Like I was meant to have him; meant to be his momma. So part of me feels like he has always been here. 
I am actually kind of surprised at myself. I would have thought that when Jack turns red and practically stops breathing from crying so hard (mostly during diaper changes and baths, he hates nakedness, apparently he is a WASP) that I would flip my shit and go into a freakish panic-mode. It isn’t that I don’t feel some sort of helplessness when this happens. I do. But there is some deep calm that washes over me and I am able to just soothe him and know this is only a temporary state of being for him. Honestly the only anxiety I have felt these past two and a half weeks have been because I hate to have Jack wake Andy up. I don’t have to be anywhere in the mornings, so I am able to just snuggle in bed with Nugget and get a few extra minutes of naps in. But I know Andy has to get up early and go function somewhere away from the house. So when it is 2am and Nugget is mad that I can’t get my boob in his mouth fast enough, I feel a little anxiety that I can’t keep him from waking Andy up. But honestly that only lasted the first week or so. Now I am like ‘fuck it!’ Andy will be just fine. If I can survive on a few hours of sleep and still be happy and functioning so can he. And he is a smart smart man, he doesn’t complain. Someone must be feeding him this information because honestly he has been absolutely the most wonderful dad and spouse. Maybe he is feeling the same things I am about this little man fitting just right into our lives. 
I do have a funny story to tell you about something he almost said during the birth though…..I would wait until the end, but I have already sidetracked you so I might as well go for it now. So  because Nugget’s head was so low and since my water had broken, he had formed a little bump on his head where a portion had swelled out into my open cervix. Yeah there is a technical name for this and shit, but I don’t know it. So hopefully you can picture what I am saying. Anyway. This little bump was obviously what came out first. And from how it looked Andy thought that was how big his head was. 
Basically when I would push his head would come out a little bit and then when my contraction would stop I would rest and he would slide back inside….or at least this is what happened until I figured out how to “hold” him in place between contractions. This was infinitely frustrating. Because I could feel the progress during my pushes, but then to feel him go back in after I was working so hard….it was awful. But then again I had a sort of warped view of the time. According to everyone else in the room, I only pushed for about 30 minutes, but to me it felt like the pushing would never end. Like he would never come out. Anyhoodles. So imagine Andy’s point of view. He is seeing this little bump come out and then go back in. He said he thought that was the extent of the head. So he ALMOST said ‘just push it out, it isn’t that big’. Luckily he was a smart smart man and didn’t let those words escape his mouth. Because as out of it as I was, I definitely had the fortitude to rip his arm off and beat him with it….yes I would have beat him with his own arm…..I am a viking and shit. He said he was so glad that he didn’t say it because a few minutes later when the whole head started coming out he said his reaction was ‘holy shit!’. Anyway, 150 points to Andy for being smart enough to keep his mouth shut and an additional 100 points for not complaining about lack of sleep from Nugget. 
I am sure he feels the deprivation, but he also seems to be aware that he does very little of the nighttime “work” and by “very little” I mean none. All you feminists out there, cool your shit. Let me explain somethin’. Caroline came over to do our two-week check-up last Tuesday (Karen had a cold so didn’t want to get us sick) we were chatting about getting help from the dad (she has a 7 month old) and something she said was so right on. She said ‘as a nursing mother you soon realize that you have to do most of the work…..it just isn’t possible for things to be equal….and someone told me ‘the sooner you can get over the resentment you start to feel towards your spouse the happier you will be”. But then she also pointed out ‘but you probably have realized by now that you are the most important person in the world to Jack…..if you don’t feel like that yet, you soon will. There is no one that he wants more than you and that is such an amazing feeling.’ She’s right. It isn’t equal. Sure Andy could wake up and change his diaper in the middle of the night, but in the time it would take him to gain enough consciousness to get out of bed, walk around to my side where the diapers and wipes are, I could have changed his diaper four times. Plus I usually change him right before I feed him. So what would be the point for both of us to be awake? None. So no, parenting at this phase of Jack’s life is not equal. But then again, as Caroline said, the relationship with Jack isn’t equal either. He does want me 9 times out of 10…..okay I think actually he wants me 10 times out of 10. If I could be the only one to hold him and take care of him, that would be a-okay with him. But Andy seems to be as at peace with this arrangement as I am. 
A guy friend at work told me that it took him a good 3 months to really bond with his baby. He said that he felt “put-out” by here for the first 3 months. She came into his life and stole his sleep and stole his wife and he just really didn’t like her very much. But then all of a sudden he warmed up to her and loved her and couldn’t imagine life without her. I was thankful that he shared this with me because I, in turn, came home and shared it with Andy (this was while I was preggers still). I thought it would be wise if we were both prepared if something like this happened. I promised Andy that I would be patient with him if this was how he felt. That it would be okay if he didn’t bond with our baby right away. 
But that didn’t happen. Andy fell for this little guy faster than dropping a brick off a building (by the way, don’t drop bricks off of buildings unless you are sure there is no one below you….you’re daily public service announcement). He put him to his chest while I went to the bathroom and took a shower. He cuddled and soothed him while he got his vitamin K shot and he laughed when we realized Jack pooped on him. Like father like son. Apparently Andy pooped on his dad when he was born too. A few nights after he was born, Andy asked if I was ever going to put him in the co-sleeper (note to self, before having Nugget I always told myself that our kids would never sleep in bed with us. I would put him in the co-sleeper next to the bed, but we needed to establish some separation….HAHAHA….I was so funny back then). In my defense I had tried putting him in the co-sleeper a couple hours before Andy came down. But he quickly woke-up and got upset, so I pulled him onto my chest where he passed out. I told Andy he should try putting him down. Maybe Nugget could tell that I was the one putting him down and would be more apt to staying asleep if someone else did it. So Andy picked him up and held him for a while, then laid him in the co-sleeper. 14 second later Jack woke up and started crying. Andy picked him right back up, crawled into bed, and put him on his chest. And he slept there until it was time for a feeding. 
Basically he is a goner for this little guy and it is super duper cute. It makes me want to jump his bones……I know that might be shocking to you ladies out there thinking about the state of my vajayjay. But I feel the need to tell you, yes it has only been 3 weeks, but the “lady” feels completely normal…..Okay maybe I am not ready to try sex just yet. Mostly because 6 weeks will be here soon enough and why chance it and experience any discomfort. But seriously, I thought I would never feel normal again. I was worried I would never feel like having sex again and that it would mean relationship doom for Andy and me. So you can imagine my shock when I get all tingly feeling just days after popping Nugget out. Stupid happy mom hormones and stupid sexy husband with a baby. Hahaha. It is like seeing that picture of the greasy topless fireman holding a baby. Swoon! Okay putting my libido back in check, sorry y’all. 
Andy himself even told me the day after Jack was born that he was surprised at how quickly he bonded with him. He said he wasn’t expecting it. OH and the biggest revelation is that Andy has changed his mind about the Circumcision. You all might recall my own problems with this decision, but after struggling with the issue, I decided to go with my initial instinct which was to let Andy decide what to do with our kid’s junk. Andy decided we would circumcise Jack and I even found a pediatrician who would be willing to do it at his office. I told Andy that I would not go into the office with them. He would have to take him and I would wait in the car. He was fine with that…..until Jack arrived. The day after he was born I told Andy he should call the pediatrician to schedule Jack’s appointment. To my utter shock and pleasant surprise he said ‘how long do we have to make the decision?’…..say what?. Jack was laying on his chest at that time and he said ‘well I just don’t think I want anyone cutting my boy….and the more I think about it, it isn’t really necessary. If he wants it in the future, I will take him in, but it seems kind of unnecessary’. Of course I was swooning all over again. How cute that he changed his mind because he didn’t want someone cutting his baby. 
For the record, Jack probably wouldn’t have noticed. He didn’t notice the vitamin K shot, he didn’t notice the two times he’s had his foot pricked….he seems extremely upset about diaper changes, but not about stuff that should actually hurt. Such a strange little man. 
One thing I do find strange is how many people have asked about Jack’s junk…..hahaha. That’s fun to say. Okay I realize I have now told all of you about his junk, but that is because I am a blabber mouth. But I am surprised that Andy’s friends have all asked if we are “getting him cut” and his stepdad seems to be interested in it. I guess I just find it strange because I wouldn’t call them up and be like ‘are you circumcising your kid?’. I just think it is weird to ask about that. It isn’t like they will ever see his penis…..or at least I can’t imagine a scenario where they would. So why do they care? Weird. 
So there isn’t really a clear point to this post. I am mostly just blabbering on and on, but Nugget is stirring so it looks like it is lunch time for him…I should probably eat something too. I always forget about that part. I hope to catch up on everyone’s posts soon! I have missed you all.  More pictures coming soon! gotta run


5 thoughts on “Who am I?

  1. I'm loving reading your posts about everything you are going through so I know what to expect. The part about the dad possibly not bonding with baby right away totally makes sense, although I'm glad that didn't happen in your case. And to be able to feel baby move out and then back in while pushing – that had to be such a hard thing but I am so proud of you for pushing on (literally) and being such a trooper! You sound like you have been such a great mom and already gotten the hang of things. Can't wait to hear more stories!

  2. I've missed your rambling posts. 🙂 I'm bummed I was sick and couldn't stop by to see you guys on Friday. I'm actually feeling worse now – so ready to be done with this cold!Andy was a smart man indeed to keep his mouth shut. Phew. Lucky for him and his arm! LOL

  3. Yay, again welcome to the wonderful and crazy world of motherhood! FYI, from the lady who sold you the co-sleeper…my babies didn't start even sleeping in it for a couple months at least. I went with keeping the peace, and a snuggly wonderful newborn within inches of the one thing she would wake up for was perfectly peaceful for me 🙂 The co-sleeper worked as a good transition over time, but cuddle him until you really feel like you want/need the space…they grow SO fast. I love hearing about your life as Mommy, it makes my heart happy. ❤

  4. I managed to get Mac into his nursery and crib on Saturday night…its a miracle and somehow, Erik got enough sleep to return to work today! Nice to get an update! I probably need to do the same!

  5. I'm so glad to hear you're doing well and your hubby is bonding with the baby. And I'm so happy for you that you're doing so well with breastfeeding. I had to give up because I wasn't able to keep up the supply. I think all of P's time in the NICU feeding off the bottle just did us in. I'm totally jealous and happy for you! I can't wait to hear all about how you're doing as time goes on. It's crazy, isn't it? Just a few weeks ago we were both blogging about being preggers and now we're both moms! Time is sure flying too! Anyway, hugs!

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