Why’s my kid broke?…and my ass

So I hate to post this, but I know how many of you out there are struggling with the same things. So here it is. Apparently my kid is broken again. He went almost two weeks of bottle feeding like a champ, taking 10-15 ounces a day, and then….stopped. !@#$%^&*((()(*&&&&&^!@#$%^&!@#$% Obviously there are not enough cuss words in the world to express the frustration there. Mostly it sucks for Andy. Because he is dealing with a screaming baby and Jack recently got his big boy lungs, so the screaming has taken on a much broader range and higher pitches than it used to…….arg! Maybe I should just call the lactation consultant again because the day I talked to her was the day he magically started eating. Soooo back to where we were. Reverse cycling can suck it. I will let you know if/when we achieve success again. Until then, Andy is coming down to work for lunch today. We didn’t go out for our anniversary dinner, so we thought sushi lunch sounded like fun to warm up for a big night that will hopefully happen sometime in the next couple of weekends…..since obviously I overbooked us for this weekend. Opps my bad. So I will feed Jack at noon and hopefully that will make Andy’s afternoon a bit easier.

In uplifting news: I almost annihilated my in-laws toilet during our vacay to Philly last weekend. Here’s how. So I am kind of a shy pooer. I talked about this like a bagillion years ago…or maybe I didn’t? If I didn’t, then here’s a new fun fact about me, I hate pooping anywhere besides my own toilet. Now when I was pregnant my tune had to change a bit. The name of the game became “poop when you can” because there was definitely a struggle every so often and if I didn’t take the opportunity when offered it could be a while until another opportunity arose…..do you get my drift there? Constipation people. I am talking about constipation and the few and far between opportunities when your bowels suddenly decide to grace you by doing their job. Well if I thought constipation would end when nugget left the womb hahahaha was I wrong. No matter what I eat, things that would normally have me shitting my pants if I coughed, the bowels do their own thing. Jack is the only one who benefits from my poo-enducing food choices. I still generally struggle. 

Before we left for Philly though, things were working great. I was pooing like everyday or pretty close to it. Victory. Then we arrived at my in-laws and the shy pooer in me reared her ugly head. Now on a normal visit we would have been alone upstairs in one of the two guest rooms and no one else would be using the bathroom up there. But since Andy’s Step-dad’s mom was visiting from Florida and has trouble getting up and down the stairs, she slept in the master bedroom on the first floor and his parents slept in the other guest room upstairs….thus sharing the bathroom I otherwise might have been less shy to poo in.

So the first day, no poo. Got about halfway through the second day and started worrying about getting clogged up again, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. I bought myself some chocolate covered raisins when we were at this amish-run flee market. I ate a handful and gave it time to work its magic. Well by Saturday morning and still no poo, I decided to up the dosage…plus I like chocolate, so I may have gotten a bit carried away. On Saturday night I took Jack up to give him a bath and I could tell something was a-brewin’. I got him ready for bed and took him back downstairs to hang out with everyone. I literally said ‘be right back’ because the plan was I would be right back…..um yeah.

I thought it would just be a normal “portion” but apparently those raisins just got everything out of there. I sat down and literally pushed once. When I stood up I thought ‘holy shit! what do I do now?’. Now why my in-laws do not have a plunger in their bathroom is beyond me. I have a plunger in both of our bathrooms because there is only one thing more embarrassing than clogging someone elses toilet and that is having to go ask them for a plunger…..which I wasn’t about to do.

Armed with a toilet brush and some prayers I somehow was able to get everything to go down….after about 5 flushes. Thank bejesus their walls are heavily insulated and the upstairs bathroom doesn’t sit above the living room. Otherwise they would have totally figured out what was going on…..but there was an issue after the flushing. The toilet brush was not in the same condition I had found it in. ‘Okay how can I fix this without giving myself away?’. I decided it had to be cleaned in the shower….and I would have to then take a shower to show that there was a reason the shower was running and I was gone for so very long. I snuck out of the bathroom to get my shower things and tiptoed back to the bathroom. After cleaning the brush and putting it back where it belonged, double checking there was no evidence of what just went down…literally…I took the speediest shower I possibly could.

In the end no one was the wiser. The whole time this was happening I was picturing what my mother-in-law would say if she had found out what was going on. ‘you should have flushed a few times during’. Every time we are at the lake she reminds us that the toilet isn’t very powerful due to being on a septic system and suggests if we have to do anything besides pee (are there really that many other options?) we should flush mid-way through. But believe me there wasn’t an opportunity for that. But I definitely wasn’t expecting that volume in the first place.

Basically the moral of this story is, don’t be a shy pooer and if you are, then don’t try to remediate the problem by forcing the system. Just wait until you get home….or ‘run out for something’ and annihilate a Walmart bathroom somewhere. You won’t see those people again.


14 thoughts on “Why’s my kid broke?…and my ass

  1. My daughter refused to take a lot of different types of bottles/bottle nipples after I stopped breast feeding her. Do you think that might be Jack's problem (doesn't like the bottle/nipple type)? I ended up using the Evenflow Advanced Air wide, after much experimentation. It was the only she would take . . . I hope you guys had a good lunch! 🙂

  2. That is freaking hilarious. You should write that little act down in case you are ever asked to help write a modern day I Love Lucy. :)Your MIL sounds like my stepfather who swears by the "courtesy fluch" method.

  3. Hahaha! I am a shy pooer as well. I didn't go THE ENTIRE TIME on our ONE WEEK honeymoon to Hawaii because my body just cannot do it anywhere but home and work (weird.. I know). Not fun when you're in a tropical locale wearing bikinis every day.

  4. Boy do I understand – I am a shy pooer as well. Maybe we should start a support group? My trick is to pour cups of hot water from the tap or bath until it, um, "breaks everything up". Lol.

  5. Hahaha!!! I so know what you mean! Last time I was at my grandparents' house, things got movin' for me at the same time the guest bathroom was occupied by my mom. So I asked my grandma if I could use her toilet. And I clogged it. By the time I was done, so was my mom upstairs, so I closed the door, prayed no one would go in there, and asked my mom where a plunger might be. She asked my grandma. And my grandma, rather than getting me a plunger, sent my grandpa in to fix the problem by just flushing about 1000 times. I turned about 50 shades of red and went upstairs for several hours to get over my embarrassment….

  6. Haha, OMG that is too funny! The constipation sucks – I didn't know that was part of pregnancy. JJ thinks it's crazy to not go every day; says it makes him sick. Ha, oh boys.

  7. Flippin' hilarious story! I too am a shy pooper…it was like a major milestone when I pooped at work (it took me well over a year at my job to do so) and then the next time I did it a little ditty popped into my head….to the tune of Katy Perry's I Kissed A Girl…"I Pooped at Work. N' I survived it!" When I sang it to my hubby he didn't find it nearly as funny as I did or maybe it was my horrendous signing voice!

  8. Hahahaha. I totally make Charlie courtesy flush. My plumbing has been screwed up since BFP day with no end in sight. I'll keep your tips in mind. 🙂

  9. Hilarious! Totally with you about the shy pooper thing, in a big way. I even have a secret bathroom location two floors up at work, which I refer to as the poop-or-throw-up bathroom. And I sent this post to Queen B. because it made me laugh, and my Mom loves poo humor… 🙂

  10. OMG that totally made me laugh out loud! I am a shy pooper too and used to wait until 2am when I lived in the dorms in college just so I could poo in private. It was a very rough year of my life!

  11. Pingback: Wow THIS is Embarrassing | pajamasarecomfy

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