It’s that time of the week again, when I open my brain and scare you all with its contents. Prepare for the vomit!
- True Fact – the sun does shine out of my kid’s ass. So I know that no one could love a kid more than their mother and I am super cautious because of course I think he kicks ass. I don’t want to be one of those mom’s who is like ‘Well, myyyy kid is so much cooler because he can do trigonometry, play “Stairway to Heaven”, and cook a delicious, yet nutritious meal for our whole family!’….but at the same time….shhh but I am that person. But I am not alone. Others believe that Jack kicks ass. Including but not limited to: Pippa, Jack’s Doctor & the Nurses, Emmicakes and Pickles, and various total strangers. Anyway I thought you should know that he is da bomb, you know because it isn’t apparent that I think that way anyway.
- Jack turned 6 months yesterday….what’s that? you want to see a picture of him?…well I don’t want to deny my dear readers anything. So here ya go.
- The bad mother that I am, I scheduled his 6 month doctors appoint on his 1/2 birthday, although I think it is silly to refer to it as his half birthday…..well part of me does. The cool part is like – it is so dumb when moms are like ‘my kid is 27 months old!’ or ‘this is his 3/4 birthday’. But the cliche I have become is like ‘I am that annoying person that I hate in others I just try to keep her quiet’. Anyway, the point being that Jack got shots yesterday. Boo. He was ADORABLE at the doctor’s office. He smiled and giggled and flirted with all the nurses. Everyone oooed and awwwed at him. The doctor asked ‘is he usually this smiley and happy’ to which I replied ‘pretty much 24/7’. When the nurse came in with shots he was all ‘I am going to laugh and smile at you while I eat this paper off the table’. Then she stabbed him in the right leg ‘holy shit! you bitch! I trusted you’….he seemed to say with his cry. Then she stabbed him in the other leg ‘what the hell you whore? I can’t believe you just did that again! we are so no longer friends!’. Then she applied bandaids and smiled at him. Then the happy little dude was like ‘well okay I forgive you’ and he started smiling again. Um he definitely gets his disposition from me…..he gets his stubborness from his dad.
Notice the drool? Yeah it is magic. Cures cancer and scares away monsters and natural disasters. I have thought about bottling it and trying to sell it, but you know it would be like way out of your price range because demand would drive the price up…you get the idea.
So yeah Jack turned 6 months yesterday…crrraaazzzy right? Blows my mind. As many a mother has said ‘it is like he was born yesterday, but it is also like he has been here all our lives’. *sigh* I have become a cliche. Whatevs!
- Which leads us to a bottle update – so rumor has it that I might be traveling for work again soon. Something I have yet to try is to give Jack formula via bottle. I am not against formula by any stretch of the imagination…YAY Formula! am I right? just think of where we would be if someone had not invented formula. I guess I can only pinpoint my apprehension up until this point on the fact that I didn’t want his poo to smell worse. Of course now that we’re into solids….that point is moot. I broached the subject with Pippa. Should we try giving him a bottle with formula to see if that will work. To which she replied – nay! Pippa is actually gaining some ground with the bottle feeding thing. She says that she plays a little game with him and he takes some. She has also gotten him to the point where he will eat his cereal mixed with milk (I have always mixed it with milk but apparently he wouldn’t take it from her initially mixed with milk…..of course that could explain why he cried throughout his first eating experiences…but I digress). Anyway she believes that he will be just fine while I travel and I think we’ve all come to the conclusion that he will eat when he is hungry enough. Basically the conversation with her has built up my confidence in being away from him. I have asked Andy’s step-mom if she would be willing to try an overnight to see how it goes. That way I can always go get him in the middle of the night and not be a million miles away in a hotel with no way to help Andy.
- Speaking of eating! Here’s the video of his first time.
And because I don’t want to spend my entire TVT post talking about my kid, here are some non-kid related bullets
Basically it didn’t go so well, but knowing what I know now, I can see that he is really saying ‘what the fuck mom? I can tell you are trying to get me to eat milk in a manner not of my choosing…why do you keep trying to do this?’ Feeding now has become way better. It is still messy and ends in a bath, but we get some food in his mouth……with the adoption of the “airplane”. Yes I have officially become a ridiculous person who makes airplane noises as I fly the spoon through the air and put it in his mouth….but it works and he loves it. His mouth pops open with a smile and the food goes in. *sigh* better give it up, I am not cool. Nor will I ever be cool again.
I tried to read a few more pages of Dr. Lau.ra’s book, but here is pretty much the summary of the next 10 pages I was able to choke down – Feminism sucks, feminists are angry lesbians, women who want equal rights are dumb, Men are sooooo great and wonderful, you just need to placate your husband with false words telling him how great/strong he is and he will do what you want, you should just be grateful that your married you Woman you, give him unlimited access to your vagina, feeling sad about the loss of your father?….you know what? get over it because you are neglecting your husband by focusing on your grief. Instead of being sad and helping out your mother, why not have sex with your husband? Yeah that will fix everything! (no seriously this was a story from one of her “listeners”. I was so shocked I had to put the book down immediately).
I have decided Dr. Laura’s “listeners” are really just stories she makes up and puts in italics. I mean I don’t see a reference at the bottom…..bad form DOCTOR. Perhaps they taught citations on the day you were at home cooking dinner for and having sex with your “MAN”. Oh and I totally get annoyed when she refers to them as “Your MAN”. Gag me. Andy is not my MAN and I am not his as she keeps saying “you are his woman”. barf! I believe Dr. Laura might be the exact reason that women become angry feminists rather than pleasant feminists. Sure we don’t have to be like Men are EVIL! but we also don’t have to be like I BELONG to my Husband and I measure my value by what he thinks about me. Listen, we all love our husbands. They are awesome. I like taking care of mine. I like letting him know that I am proud of him and that he is a good father and that I am attracted to him. But does my world revolve around what he thinks about me at any given time? Nope. Sure, I want him to think I am pretty and to like me, but I also won’t let it ruin my day if he is pissed off at me for making him haul a couch out of our basement….for example. Perhaps I should have tried her tactics with that one ‘Honey your brain is so big and full of knowledge. I really want to buy a new couch, but what on earth will we do with the one down in the Family Room now? if only I could figure out a solution on my own….what’s that you say? we should donate it?….Oh my goodness, this is why you are My MAN because you can come up with these solutions to our problems and make our lives better….oh my goodness, but it is stuck in the basement. How ever will we get it to the donation center?….what’s that you say? We should carry it up the stairs?….You amaze me with every sound you make with those sexy lips of yours. I am so turned on by your ideas….let’s go have sex and then we can carry the couch out of the basement together!’. That probably would have changed the outcome, but fuck! That is a lot of effort. Instead I was like ‘Will you help me carry the couch out of the basement?’ ‘ugh, fine!’. Grumble grunt and make a mad face. Put couch on the curb. And then I go about my day. Much quicker.
I decided a couple nights ago to talk to Andy about this book. We both laughed at a few of the examples I gave. His response was basically this – she’s right in that men are simple, but he thinks the dancing around business is a waste of time. “If you want me to do something, all you need to do is rub my wiener and I will do it”. So there ya go. You can either read the book and vary between extreme anger, shock, and laughter or you can just skip the book and get shit done by feeling up your hubby when you ask for shit. And there is some useful wisdom for ya. I am starting to think my marriage book would be pretty short……scratch that, I am extremely long-winded. Nothing I write is short. Right Oak?
Andy’s sister rocks! For my birthday she got me these:
And with that dear friends I shall endeth my Thought Vomit! Have a great Thursday.