Babies continued

Alright so in true Natalie fashion, we of course need a plan. A “giving away babies” plan. I will be completely honest with you. There is one thing that really worries me about egg donation and surprisingly it has nothing to do with the babies that might be created with my egg(s). It has to do with me and cancer and my risk of contracting said cancer….in my boobs specifically.

Many of you know my mom died of breast cancer and her mother also died of breast cancer. Two very different forms, in two consecutive generations. My mom was a nurse practitioner and to say she was “up” on all the research is an understatement. She knew every theory there was. As always seems to be the case, there isn’t one truly identifiable thing that causes breast cancer. It is not like ‘oh stop drinking milk and you’ll never get it’.

It is the idea of messing with my hormones that has me a little freaked out about egg donation. Studies have shown that taking birth control can actually reduce your risk, but then studies have shown taking hormones to help with menopause increases your risk. It makes my brain all mushy to try and decipher what actually might be a risk to me and what might not.

Since it had been a while since I caught up on my breast cancer research, I started googling around. Whatdaya know? There is this article here saying fertility drugs are A-O-Kay! A study done with more than 54,000 women resulted in only 331 developing breast cancer in an average period of 14 years. Seems pretty low… It is silly to belabor this issue but even when I read only 331 out of 54,000 developed breast cancer….I still think that I will be part of that small group.

For those of you wondering (because people have asked before) you should know my mom was tested for the BRCA-1 gene and the results were negative. I was told this technically reduces my probability from like 100% to slightly higher than an average woman. Basically I just have to be diligient and what not.

BUT!!!! something exciting is happening right now and just maybe when my eggs are ready to be given away freely this might ease some of the worries I have! When we were talking about eggs at Blogorado, one of the girls brought this up (I think it was Amanda….doh old brain). Apparently this study is changing the entire process of egg retrieval. Taking unmature eggs directly out of the ovary for patients who can’t do the hormone stimulants.

I would never go so far as to say that harvesting eggs the old fashioned way will for sure cause me more harm then good. But it definitely makes me a little wary. Not wary enough to not donate. But, if instead I could opt to have my eggs harvested unmatured, I would much rather do that. I hope that study leads to good things and that I can give away babies left and right.

Really the biggest consideration for me giving away eggs is time table. I have been doing a little bit of investigation and it seems like most places prefer your eggs before you get too far into your 30s. For women in Colorado CCRM has a pretty comprehensive site that talks about how to donate, what is involved in the process, etc. Their age range goes up to 33, which is actually a lot higher than some places I have heard about. Many won’t take donors over the age of 29 and some have even younger limits.

So I have an age deadline, but I also have a self-induced deadline. I want to get number 2 out of the way before I donate. Just to be certain. I know, in theory, they say I should have at least 100,000 eggs left in there, but what do they really know? Better safe than sorry. Wouldn’t it be a son-of-a-bitch if I had to go pay to get one of my eggs back so I could make another baby? I just presume I wouldn’t be able to donate while nursing the Deuce…unless there is that hormone free extraction. So that is a time table consideration as well. Tick tock tick tock.

I think it is all doable though. Assuming we get number 2 going shortly and I decide to nurse him/her for a year, we might be talking about 2 1/2 years from now. Which puts me at the 31-32 range. Cutting it close? no doubt, but doable.

Obviously this is my “donate to random people” timeline. If we are talking about E or someone close to me, chuck that schedule out the window. Which brings up something Steph asked from my previous post: Would I only want to donate anonymously? Nope, in fact I would much rather be able to know the people I am donating to. They might prefer it another way, which I could totally understand that. But to me I think it would be so cool meeting the person I was helping. A meet and greet would be cool, although continued contact…..I am not sure. I found a few stories from women who used donor eggs (or DE for those of us who like super-insider-acronyms) and I was surprised to find one who requested that the donor allow the child to contact them after they turn 18.

I know this isn’t standard practice and until I read her perspective I just assumed most women would want to take the egg and never look back. But I do get that we are basically talking about an adoption. Someone would be adopting my egg and raising it. So when I look at it that way, I can see that someday this egg-turned-person might have the desire to meet me. Obviously I wouldn’t want to deny that opportunity. And I wouldn’t want to deny my kids the opportunity to know their genetically half-siblings. I think it is actually kind of cool that I will have some substantial thing to say to these future people when they ask why I donated. I will be able to tell them of my short struggle to motherhood, but my connection to others who struggled harder. I can tell them about my desire for every woman who wants to be a mom to be given every chance to get there.

I think my kids would understand. Hopefully I can raise them to see this point of view and accept my choice to give that gift. I am sure I can’t fully comprehend every aspect to what is ahead in choosing this road, but I think I have a fairly firm idea of how I would handle it.

So that is about it. The plan is, get numero dos out of the womb and fed and then give away babies. I would think by post #600 we’ll be on our way.

Other Links:
The blogger I just found who just birthed her DE baby

-Perhaps also of interest to some is this article Josey linked me to, which talks about the other side of using a donor.


Taking Matters Into My Own Hands

This is my 300th post and whilst I would say at least 250 of my posts have been full of B.S., snide and/or inappropriate topics, and meant primarily to just make you laugh your ass off, this one is going to be a tad different. I just read something that ripped my beating heart right out of my soul and stomped it into the ground. I don’t want to link you there, mostly because I want to protect some of you. Keep you in the sweet warm embraces that only my chubbiness can provide…because let’s face it, being embraced by a chubby person is so much better than being embraced by a boney skinny person. Obviously I can’t really write this post without telling you where it came from though. So let me just say a blogger that I follow (not even for baby-related reasons) just experienced a loss and not the typical kind. Their adoption fell through. Let me just leave it at that because it is too hard to really go much further and as I said, you all need momma’s protection from this.

I am not particularly close to this blogger, I only check back to her blog now and then to keep tabs on the beautiful photographs, her delicious recipes, and the crafts, I don’t comment, for all intents and purposes, she doesn’t know that I exist. But when she first talked about trying to adopt, it added an unexpected reason I checked in with her. Today I checked back because she was the first blogger I knew of that was so far in the adoption process and I knew it had to be close to the arrival of their baby. She didn’t share many details about the events leading up to the adoption, so the fact that she shared so much about its demise was kind of surprising. Although my heart hurts for her and her husband, I know she has her own support system, her own community to take care of her.

I think the reason it hit me so hard is that it made me instantly think of my people. The ones I am rooting for. The ones I don’t ever want to be hurt like that. The ones who I feverishly want to become mothers. And it reminded me. It reminded me of a conversation we had during Blogorado 2011. One I meant to share and didn’t.

One evening when we were all sitting around chatting, I asked a question that had been burning into my skull for a while. ‘Would you ever consider donating eggs and/or being a surrogate?’ This group of women is unique. Our dreams of motherhood brought us together. So I wondered their thoughts on giving that gift to someone else. I was interested by their responses and I think my position surprised a few of them a little as well.

This all started because of E. Beautiful, amazing, wonderful E. From the first few posts I read of hers I knew this woman needed to be a mother. The world needs mothers like E. As time went on and the cards started stacking against her to conceive a baby and her focus shifted to adoption, I held fervently to the idea that her baby would find her. Her baby is out there, i know it. Adoption is beautiful and amazing and I hope for E it happens as quickly and seemlessly as possible. But she started my brain into the idea of giving away babies…..mostly because after the final straw, she found out she is a Fragile X carrier, I instantly offered her one of my eggs. Obviously she was so sweet in her response. Her and her husband might think about it later, but since they were already so far into the adoption process, they were focusing their efforts there for a while.

But the situation got me going, so I talked to Andy about it. What did he think about surrogacy and egg donation? Surprisingly, he wasn’t absolutely opposed to the idea of surrogacy, he admitted that I was actually a really awesome pregnant lady. Not very emotional or crazy, just pretty even-keeled. But he did say: ‘well I think it would be weird for you to carry and deliver someone else’s baby. And it would be hard to explain to our family’. Good points. Although in theory I wouldn’t see someone else’s embryo as my child, we are still talking about establishing a pretty hefty connection and to then birth it? What would that be like? Would I have the same desires? Would I want to pull the child onto my chest and kiss their head? But it wouldn’t be mine to do those things. Knowing me and my quickness to attachment, it would probably end in some hefty depression. So after some more thought I tabled the idea of surrogacy. I am not saying I would never do it. I think if someone really close to me couldn’t carry a baby, I might rethink it, but that one would definitely take some time and lots more consideration.

But egg donation is something I would do in an instant. And Andy is totally fine with that. I even phrased it quite honestly ‘so it wouldn’t bother you if someone had a child with part of my genetic make-up out there?’. ‘Nope’. He even pushed the envelop even further and said ‘hey we should give away already fertilized eggs because obviously we make ridiculously adorable children’. It warmed my heart that he felt this way. Made me fall a little more in love with him.

Talking to the girls about it was interesting. It was good to hear their perspectives. I am not saying that all of them wouldn’t donate eggs, but their view of their eggs seems to be a lot stronger than mine. I guess the only way to really explain it is that I don’t really feel like they are my children. The only babies I see as my babies are the ones that Andy and I make together. Even an “Andy and Natalie” combined fertilized egg doesn’t really seem like mine. I know it is strange.

Maybe it all revolves around my hippie-core. Sometimes I look at Jack and I don’t really see him as mine either (And here’s where we get a bit crunchy). It is almost like I have just been given the awesome responsibility for taking care of him and raising him, but it still feels uber-weird when I think about the fact that he is my son.

All this is not to say I don’t understand other people’s points of view about their eggs. I totally understand that most people (probably less crazy/hippie/wacko) see those little eggs as their babies. They want to keep track of them and take care of them. Be in their life and what not. But me? I am just like ‘eh I don’t need them all, someone else should have them’.

In fact, my friend Pickles is a biomedical engineer and I have already dispatched him to start working on a reproductive system transplant. After number 2 is born, I would gladly give it all away. I am not saying it works the best. There are definitely better models out there…..shhh don’t tell my lady parts otherwise there might not be a numero dos.

Basically this is all to say, I am fully resolved, and have received husband-approval even, to give away babies. Under the direction of my new editor and chief, I have decided to create a part 2 to this blog post. Stay tuned – up next – The Plan.

Random Comments About Grouponing

Was there a worse idea than me signing up for gro.upons? What was I thinking? Well first off, I love a good deal. Second, I get new offers everyday to look at. Whaaaa? Third, whoever is in charge of writing the descriptions is obviously a kindred spirit of mine.

If horses didn’t regularly pack the earth down with their hooves, it would continue to gradually rise skyward on a collision course with the moon.

Couldn’t agree more. Thank God for horses. Basically it is just a good time all around.

And I have obviously partaken in some seriously awesome deals: “3 – 1 hour horse-riding lessons” was obviously put together with just me in mind. $10 for $20 worth of Indian food, um yes please. Although maybe that one wasn’t the best investment. Their naan was crap and if there is one thing that will make me never return to your Indian restaurant it is crappy naan. What the fuck was that? It tasted more like a sopa pilla. Who do you have working in your kitchen anyway? Oh and their chai sucked too? Um if they can’t even do the basics, what are we talking about?

But sometimes there is some super random shit that comes through and it has me thinking, do people actually take part in those grou.pons?

  • 55% off nonsurgical facelifts? What the fuck would that involve?
  • Glass-Figure-Design Class…..sounds…um thrilling!
  •…..apparently it isn’t sperm related as I originally assumed…sure wish I hadn’t spit my drink out in surprise when I read it.

Basically it is a shit show of crazy and obviously meant for me.

TVT – Ham Day Edition

Thought Vomit Wed-ursday coming atchya. Obviously tomorrow I am going to be busy doing my best imitation of a food network show whilst I cook, bake, mash, deglaze pans (if I was there I would deglaze the shit out of that pan….use some red wine about a quarter cup….if you haven’t seen this south park, you are missing out), etc. So blogging is not going to happen. Thus, TVW!
  • First off, it is going to be Ham Day in this house. Turkeys can go eff themselves. It isn’t that Turkeys….shouldn’t it be Turkies? Who came up with this language? Whatevs (told ya I needed a Webster Award instead)…..anyway it isn’t that they aren’t delicious, because they are, but upon my extensive (read: not at all) investigations I have never seen a turkey at the store that didn’t weigh 40,000 lbs. Now I know there are a ton of skinny bitches out there (Oak and Kelly) who can afford to have 39,950 lbs of turkey sitting about in their fridge for weeks at a time, but this chubby girl can not. So instead I decided to go with a small ham….a honey spiral ham….because obvi that is the healthier choice (again read: not at all). Okay it isn’t about calories…it is about this movie I watched with Andy, “ThanksKilling”…..if you haven’t seen it (and my guess is 99.99999% of the world has not) please don’t, but if you have WTF? Anyway, this horrific movie probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am not a big fan of making Turkey this year because turkeys are evil…..also did I mention ham is delicious?
  • Have you ever contemplated how we name meat? Someone didn’t give fowl the same consideration that they gave….what the fuck do you call like pigs and cows?….OMG did I really just write that? yes I sure did and I am not erasing it. Because this is an honest blog and you have to know that I am honestly an idiot sometimes. So what I was meaning to say was that whoever named meats didn’t give fowl the same consideration that they gave other ANIMALS (stupid Natalie). Let’s take a look at what I am talking about:
    Cow = Beef
    Pig = Ham, Pork, Bacon
    Turkey = Turkey
    Duck = Duck
    Chicken = Chicken
    Alright so technically Bison = Bison ruins my point. But you get where the initial thought came from….or maybe you don’t (wouldn’t surprise me, this is a crazy train). It is sort of like the Director of the Center for the Consumption of Fowl (could be a real organization) was lazy and didn’t want to think up new names for their products….of course maybe they wanted to be honest with their customers about what they were consuming. Freedom of information and what not….okay I have obviously spent too much time on this one.
  • So I am a bad person. I have found myself so not interested in spending time with our dogs. Bogger just wants to eat everything and Coby eats everything that isn’t actually edible…..and I feel bad that I go days without actually sitting down and giving them some good attention. Sure I give them pets a few times throughout the day, but I am kind of liking the fact that the baby gate gives us a “dog free” zone. So they spend a considerable amount of time staring at me through the gate and I just know they are sending hateful thoughts my way. I feel guilty mostly because I don’t actually feel that bad about it. Perhaps it is mostly due to the fact that Jack is sort of all consuming and when I am not consumed with Jack or having sex everyday (because obvi I follow the calendar), then there is cooking and laundry and randomly deciding to paint the vanity base cabinet in the bathroom. But I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I still miss Lincoln. It would be hard for any dog to live up to Lincoln and I just find myself missing him so much still. I remember telling Andy when we found out about his bone cancer that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even have dogs if we didn’t have Lincoln (obviously I was super emotional at the time). But I kind of find that to be true. I mean I like our dogs. But would I care if they weren’t there? So like I said, bad person.
  • I won an argument with Andy last weekend and whilst I was prepared to spend the remainder of the day not talking to each other (our usual M.O……what does M.O. stand for?) he actually shocked the shit out of me (not literally thankfully) by providing me with a victory present. Did your eyes just bug out of your head reading that? If not, they should have. But it is true, we finished our argument, proceeded to start the “I am not talking to you ever again” part of the aftermath, and he grabbed his keys and drove away. I harumpt and started replaying the argument in my head, like women do, obviously I felt like I was right….but was he kind of right too?….I started feeling like I was too extreme in my argument and perhaps he was partially right on a few points. When he came back through the door I was ready to hang my head in shame and be like ‘you were right about this __’ but instead he handed me a root beer and said ‘here is your victory present’. me: blink…blink “what?”. Him: “you’re right and you had valid points, I don’t want to fight with you all day, so instead I am giving you a victory present and saying you won that one’….me: blink….blink “what?”. Yeah still in shock over that one. Then I drank that victory present keeping my recision speech quiet.
  • We just paid off Andy’s motorcycle! What what bitches!!!! That is right, we now officially own it fur realz. Now only $100 billion dollars worth of other debts we have to tackle and we’ll be rich bi-otch (The Chappelle Show? anyone? anyone?)….okay it isn’t $100 billion, but it feels like it sometimes.
  • Who posted last TVT that they wanted a picture of me in my Dodgeball gear? Because that is ridiculous. We don’t have gear. We wear t-shirts, yoga pants (well the guys don’t but I do) and tennis shoes. That would be like the most boring picture to post ever. Of course it could double as ‘show us a picture of your running gear’. Two with one stone and all that. But besides the fact that that would be silly, I am not ready to post a picture of my entire body on here because just because I have come to terms with how I look, does not mean I am ready to put a picture up and then spend the rest of the week worrying that you guys are secretly like ‘are you serious? she is okay with how she looks?’. Which obviously I know you guys would never post….mostly because I would delete your comments, but still. You could be thinking it and posting ‘you look great!’.
  • Alright assholes, I should book it. Happy Ham Day to all of you. I hope your hams are delicious and your rolls are plentiful. I am thankful for all of you. You rock. Eat Some!

Using my Brain is Hard

My sweet Georgia Peach, Shannon over at Solo Pronto, bestowed upon me a Liebster Blog award. Now I don’t speak German, so the first thing I thought when I saw this button pop up in my dashboard was ‘oh dear, someone has misspelled Webster’… in the dictionary……what does the dictionary have to do with Blogging? I have no idea. That is just where my brain went and sometimes it is fun to follow it….because well if we didn’t follow my brain sometimes then this blog would be non-existent. So let’s just contemplate for a moment what the fuck a “Webster Blog” award would be. Perhaps somene who, despite rain or snow or ice or fog (or however that postman pledge goes) spells all things correctly. Um this for sure would not be me. Iz down’t spelle gud. Perhaps, in my case, a Webster Award would actually include the gift of a dictionary or like “free spell check for a year”, in which case, yes that would be appropriate for me.
Not to go on some sort of tangent….because I never do that….So I guess back to the point. Thanks beautiful lady for bestowing the Liebster Blog Award, or for those of us who defeated the Germans in WWI and WWII (that would be us by the way), the “Favorite” Blog Award. Don’t go letting those Germans think we’re friends again. I am still super pissed about that last world war. Shannon, I have to say I am a little surprised considering you are southern… southerners tend to be way more patriotic then all of us wild cowboys out here in the west……have I ever told you how many fights I have gotten into (verbal of course, can’t break these nails….even if they are imaginary) over the fact that Colorado is not the fucking west? A lot people. Let’s start by looking at a map okay. Technically Colorado is the mid-west and you “mid-westerners” are confused (as per usual). Back to the point….what was it?…Oh yes, I was talking about Shannon and how lovely she is.
Seriously dudes, I want her hair. Can we start there? Gorgeous! As she mentioned in her blog, we’ve kind of been dating. We’re taking things slow. Don’t want to rush into anything and have it all end in hate and regret. But you should all head over there and check her out.
Alright let’s see, I am supposed to nominate some other Liebster Blog peeps…wait is this like people who would actually read my blog and respond to an award? or are we just trying to pass along other favorite blogs? I am totally unclear on the deets (what else is new). I am going to assume that it doesn’t really matter so we’ll mix this shit up:
  • Honey is definitely one of my favorite bloggers….Um when she posts!!!! hint hint (she tends to drop off of the earth for bouts of time and leave my life empty and sad. Go check her out.
  • Rachel is one of my newest reads and I love her. She is honest and open and also dealing with the bitch that is IF. Fucking IF! She’s been having a rough go the past few weeks….I guess I should say an extra rough go. Two of her sisters just popped out babies….within like 20 hours of each other.
  • Natalie over at Awkward Sex and the City is first kick-ass because her name is Natalie, but also because she is a vulgar, potty-mouth, so obvi I love her. I don’t think she reads me though. Eh, whatevs.
  • This chick definitely doesn’t read me (she’s too classy for that…and like a professional blogger, so probably has no time to read other people’s blogs) but if we are talking about “Favorite Blogs” um she is on the top of my list. I want to crawl inside her camera and just live there. Her blog is beautiful and her life is totally like a fairy tale. 
  • How many of these do I need? I am bad with directions and impatient and lazy today, so that is all I am listing.
Thanks Shannon, you kick ass girl!

Chubby Girl’s Guide to Running

I mentioned about 50 years ago…..okay 4 months ago, how I was going to try to lose 30lbs and be able to run 3 miles by Christmas…..yeah, well….umm…procrastination is a horrible virus I tend to catch. I was not as “on top of it” as I had planned….Although in my defense I was pretty lax in my “plan”. But here is the thing about me. I am an “enjoyer of life”. Obviously, to me that includes delicious food and adult beverages. And it also includes snuggling up under a blanket and watching a movie with a hottie instead of stressing about how you need to work out.

But obviously I do think there is a fine line between allowing yourself to enjoy food and getting to that point where food is the enemy. You know the point where it doesn’t become fun anymore? Where you look in the mirror and you can’t think of one nice thing you see in yourself. Where all you see is chub, you have nothing that fits correctly, and you just want to crawl under your bed and hide from the world. Yeah well I think most of us have been in that place at one time or another. That might be the point where food isn’t your friend anymore. Where it isn’t enjoyable. So it is a slippery slope.

I know that I could cut out carbs, stop drinking cocktails and beer, and run 5 days a week, and I would drop this extra padding in no time. And I have told myself ‘would it really be a big deal to sacrafice for 3 months to get to where you want to be?’. The answer to that is: of course not. It wouldn’t be a big sacrafice. I would probably be so happy after those 3 months that it would make up for the fact that I denied myself things. But…..that is not me this go round. I have done it that way before. And it wasn’t sustainable. Case in point – current chubby me. If that worked for me long-term, I wouldn’t be writing “Chubby Girl’s Guide to __” posts. (And just to reiterate this is not baby chub. This is pre-baby chub. Amazingly the weight I gained during my pregnancy was gone pretty quick like).

So how long will this really take? It is hard to say, but to be perfectly honest, I am happy right now. If I continued to do what I am doing right now and never lost a pound, I think I would be just fine with that. I look  in the mirror….yes when I am nekkid even…and you know what? Sure it isn’t perfect, but hey it is pretty awesome too. The only real issue I see is my boobs are making a southern migration, but it’s nothing a push-up bra can’t fix. And sure, maybe nekkid isn’t the best look for me, but with clothes on, I feel good. Chunky Natalie is okay.

That being said, perhaps my new outlook on myself has to do with the fact that I have been running. And I am starting to make some progress when it comes to distance…the weight thing…I am not sure about (I like to judge my progress by how my clothes fit, rather than how much I weigh. It is better). I believe 100% that the best way to give your confidence a little boost is get that tushy of yours in motion. You don’t have to run. Just a walk around the block can do it. Or do something really fun, like jumping on trampolines or find a swingset. Go swimming or rollerskating….although if you’re going rollerskating give me a call because I wanna come too. I find that it doesn’t matter what I look like nekkid after I get some exercise. I just feel good that I am taking care of my body. Sure sometimes I go for a run during the day and then eat a double chocolate chip cookie in the evening (just as a random example) but I still feel good. Best of both worlds, so to speak.

I kind of find myself comical and I especially find the way I get myself to run hilarious. It is a complex web of bribery, denial, inner-laughter, and ass kissing (yes I kiss my own ass….hey at least I know where it has been which is more than I can say for some of the people whose asses I hafta kiss). Anyway, I thought I would pass on my “Guide to Running”….mostly just to make you laugh, but maybe my “tips” will help you too. Laughing burns calories, so you’re welcome.

Rule 1: Give yourself some love. I have started the “I am going to start running” process many times in my lifetime. And the trend I have found is there is no way I am finishing a run, and there is definitely no way I am sticking to the habit of going for runs, when I am down on myself . It is like the negativity just shuts me down, my body rebels. So before you get started, talk yourself up a bit. Find that thing you like about yourself maybe it is your booty (not the case for me, I have a pancake ass….and I also have an extremely short butt crack, but that is a story for another day) and look at yourself in the mirror – probably best if you are dressed and ready to run/do activity – then say ‘hey there sexy lady…..whoa look at that hot booty!’ then turn around and do a little booty shaking. Dance around the bathroom in front of the mirror. Drop it like it’s hot. All that. Basically make yourself giggle. I find when I am running and I hit a really hard point…you know that point where you are trying to talk yourself into stopping…yeah at that point I like to recall the silly things I was doing earlier and it boosts me back up again.

Rule 2: Don’t focus on distance at first. The first few times I went out, I was struggling to finish a 1/2 mile run…..and let’s be honest, what I was doing was less like running and more like shuffling. So while I like to start out thinking ‘I am going to run this far’, in reality the first few times I was out, I modified those goals as I went. If there is one thing that will make you not stick to the habit, it is pushing yourself too far the first couple of times. I like to pick “checkpoints” if you will. I will look ahead of me and see a stop sign 4 blocks away and say ‘okay get to there’. Then when I get to there, I try to push myself a little further. ‘Okay get to there’. etc. You get the idea.

Rule 3: Once you have picked your checkpoints, avoid eye contact with them. If I look at the checkpoint sometimes I find myself saying ‘why are you so damn far away stupid checkpoint!’. This is going to work against you. So I tend to look at the ground….not the most fun way to run, right? Because we all dream about running and looking around, enjoying the scenery, thinking to ourselves ‘this is the most beautiful day….ooo look at those leaves…gorgeous…..I need to rake the leaves in our yard when I get home’ etc. Don’t get discouraged, you will get to this point and if you can start out this way, kuddos to you! I am jealous. For me, I have to look 10 feet in front of me and just think about those 10 feet. This is especially necessary when facing any sort of hill. To look off in the distance and realize how long and steep the hill is, just kicks my ass every time. I find myself gasping for air, panicking, wanting to die. So I have to focus just on those 10 feet at a time. Going down hill is a different story. I can look around and think ‘I am such an amazing runner! Look at me go’.

Rule 4: Set realistic goals. Don’t start out going from not running to telling yourself you will run everyday for the next 30 days. It won’t happen and the disappointment you feel in yourself when you fail will suck the motivation right out of you. Start small. ‘I am going to run twice a week’. Then if you feel like going for a 3rd or 4th run that week….then um something is wrong with you…just kidding. No that is awesome. If you feel like running more than your initial goal then give yourself extra love for that.

Rule 5:  Tell yourself that you are a runner. I was TOTALLY one of those people who would say ‘Oh I am not a runner’. Truth is, you are a runner. You might be not a marathon runner, or a fast runner, or even a good runner, but if you are moving at a pace faster than a brisk walk, guess what? you’re a runner. If you need some added motivation read “Born to Run”. I started reading this book when I was struggling to get past the 2 mile mark. After the first few chapters I went out and ran almost 4 miles completely unintentionally (before you are confused I am talking past-tense here. Right now I am back to working my way up past 1 1/2 miles). It just changed my whole perspective on my abilities…..come to think of it, better check it out from the library again and see if it will get me really going this time.

Rule 6: Add distance when you’re ready, but not when you’re too ready. Sometimes this will happen: I will get to the point where I can run a mile and then I will just get comfortable with that distance. Obviously you don’t want to run 1/2 mile your first time and push up to 1 mile the second time and kill yourself. You want to get to a point where you can run a distance comfortably, but you also want to push yourself into the next milestone before you get too comfortable. This rule is hard to explain. You are going to have to test it out because it depends on you. Again you don’t want to push yourself so hard that you never want to run again, but you want a little push.

Rule 7: A short run is better than no run. In some cases don’t listen to Rule 6. If it is a choice between running around the block or not running that day, run around the block. At least you are doing something. Don’t let yourself say ‘well I don’t have enough time to run 2 miles, so I just won’t do it at all’. Don’t let the demons get you!!!!

Rule 8: Be prepared. The biggest issue I have right now is that I go to work when it is dark and I get home when it is dark. Darkness = hybernation for me. As many times as I have told myself ‘I am going for a run tonight after work’, that never happens in the Fall/Winter. I determined that the only way I will run is to do it at work. This is so needed too. I get to see sunlight and I get to not look at my computer screen for an hour. win-win. Now Colorado in October/November is unpredictable, so I come armed. In my “running bag” I bring un.der.armor winter leggings and cotton yoga pants. I have a long sleeve shirt and a short sleeve shirt. I have a hoodie and a wind breaker. And I have gloves. bulky? yes. but I have every situation covered. I also modify my “running days” based on the weather report. If I know it is going to snow on Wednesday, I will run Monday and Tuesday. You get the idea.

Rule 9: When struggling, get OCD. The hardest part of my run is the first half. Once I get past that initial 1/2-3/4 of a mile, it gets easier. That voice that is telling me ‘we’d still be doing awesome if we just stopped right now’ gets quieter. But getting to that point can be hellish. So what do I do? I count shit. That’s right, I turn into a crazy OCD person and start counting shit. Sometimes I count sections of sidewalk as they pass. Sometimes I count footsteps between cracks in the pavement. Sometimes I count steps between my inhale/exhales. Basically I do whatever it takes to get my mind off of the fact that I want to quit.

So there ya go. There are my super secret tips to getting into the habit of running. Maybe you will use them or maybe they will just make you laugh.


Thought Vomit coming at ya!

  • Someone please remind me that it is a bad idea to fill a giant cup up with water and then sit in traffic for an hour on my way home from work. Apparently it has taken me several days to learn my lesson. The past few days I have found myself kegeling like my life depended on it, coaching myself ‘you can hold it! you can hold it!’ and making a mad dash into the house, where I leave the door flung open, my pants are mid-leg as I sprint into the bathroom. No good peeps.

  • I found myself having my first real-life conversation with a stranger about infertility…..well not infertility per se, but trouble conceiving. It was when we were at the bridal salon in Grand Junction. I was sitting on the floor while Bret filled out paperwork and Jack was crawling around. This woman came over and started talking to him, she knelt down and he crawled right over to her. She said something to the affect of ‘we’ve been trying for one of you for a long time’. To which I responded ‘oh really? it took us a while to get him as well’. She mentioned she had been trying for 6 years!! and I found myself painfully aware that Bret, her sister, and the bridal consultant were all right there with us, but I SOOoo wanted to delve more into the conversation. To tell her about all of you, to ask her what they have tried, etc. etc. But I didn’t. She played with Jack for a minute longer and then stood up and said ‘thanks for that’. Like I am the only person in the world that would let her play with their kid or maybe she was thanking me for sharing that she’s not the only one out there who had issues? I am not sure. My heart ached. I can’t stop thinking about her, I should have got her e-mail address, or given her mine….something. I should have done something.

  • We have a dry erase calendar on our fridge. It is super helpful to let Andy know what is coming up, especially because he has like the worst memory ever. When I travel for work, I usually have to tell him 3 times when the dates are and point him to the calendar. Sometimes he gets a bit silly with the calendar. That started with my brother. When he would come over, he would invariably draw something on the calendar or write “zombie killing training” on one of the days. Well apparently after one instance of wearing my sexy lingerie last week, Andy was inspired. I saw the calendar when I got home last weekend and he had written “sex” on every day. I definitely can’t keep up with that one.

  • We won our dodgeball game last week! HFS! I couldn’t believe it. It was so awesome…..of course you must know I didn’t really do anything to help. I am the LVP – Least Valuable Player. Although I can retrieve and hand a ball to my teammates who actually can throw like it’s nobody’s business. That is my role. I am basically a glorified ball girl. I did attempt to hit people a few times….yeah it was still pretty sad. Tonight we have two games. Maybe tonight will be my night! The night I actually get someone out using a dodgeball….but don’t hold your breath.

  • I may be crazy. For the past 29 years I have avoided Black Friday shopping like the plague. In fact I am so offended that stores make their employees show up at 4am the day after Thanksgiving, that I won’t buy anything all day. Not even a candy bar from the gas station at 7pm. It is my “fuck you” to those assholes who don’t respect holidays and family time and what not…..but this year I have found myself actually considering looking at the Black Friday ads, just to see whether there might be a good deal on a flat screen TV. What the fuck is happening to me? I am not saying I am going…..I am definitely not saying I am going anywhere at 4am…..but just the fact that I am considering looking at the ads….it is all downhill from here people. I might need an intervention.

  • Speaking of Thanksgiving! This will be our first Thanksgiving in our house!…..which we bought in 2008. Andy’s family is FINALLY going out of town for a holiday, so we actually had the opportunity to have our own Thanksgiving and my Dad is doing something with his wife’s family. So YAY!!!! I am so excited!!! I am finally going to get to use my china! I finally get to cook what I want…..which if it was truly just up to me would be rolls and mashed potatoes. Who needs anything else? I mean really. We don’t have to leave our house! Score. And we could eat in our pajamas if we so choose. This is going to be the best fucking Thanksgiving ever!!! I bought a ham….a spiral honey ham….mmmm. You all can come over if you want. I have plenty of place settings. Bring your pjs.

And that’s it for this installment. Lesson’s learned this week: pee before you leave work,…..I think that is about it. It is very important though. Your car with thank you.