As the Blogorado girls are sure to agree, I used to be a huge slut* and I used to be super into lingerie. It started catching my attention at a very young age. I remember asking my mom when I was like 8 if I could have a garter belt and stockings. She was cool as a cucumber with her response when she told me that was for grown-up women. I can only imagine what was going on in her head when that came out of my mouth. I have no idea how I would field that question if I were in her shoes…perhaps take me to a convent? Maybe throw holy water on me? I am not even catholic, but I think a question like that from my 8 year old might have me on my knees every night.
I started babysitting early on and saving my own money, so it wasn’t long until I snuck into Vicky’s and bought myself my first garter belt. I was probably 15. Don’t worry peeps it wasn’t like I wore it at that point. I actually think my initial attraction to corsets, garterbelts and stockings came more from my love of historical dress than of a sexual nature. Little did I know that 1950s undergarmets were anything but sexy.
But there is something about that time period. Sure women were ridiculously surpressed and made to feel that the only attainable dream was to become a housewife and mother, but seriously, we had something going for us back then. Let’s just take a quick detour (what? on my blog? that never happens). You tell me what you find more attractive:
So when I got my first real job at age 16, it was on like donkey kong. I was able to spend my money any way I wanted. And now what I wanted included buying corsets. I would say between the age of 16 and 18 I acquired more than a dozen corsets, several garter belts, a box full of stockings, the list could just go on forever. Ah to have money and no real bills. Those were the days.
Andy was probably the luckiest teenage boy in the history of the world. Of course, little did I know, I was setting myself up for failure. I went through an extreme weight drop around 16. In about 6 months I went from a size 18 to a size 8….um thanks anorexia… I guess. I am probably one of the only people who started working at a fast food restaurant and then immediately dropped 80lbs….that is probably not true at all, but you see the irony in that. But it was a strange time right? I went from feeling like crap, to feeling sexy for the first time ever. I was dealing with those weird hormonal overloads teenage kids get, I was ready to explore the world of sex….sure that didn’t really happen, but that was my intent. In reality, I explored my way to Andy and that is where I stayed. But still. I was a tigeress finally let out of her cage.
Needless to say, when you get skinny by starving yourself….yeah not really sustainable long-term. Grad School was a son-of-a-bitch for my waistline…and well, you all know how I am still battling the chub. And with the onset of the chub, so hath returned my lack of self-confidence and believe me when I tell you that when I am nekid I feel anything but sexy. Long story short – Andy and I have had more than one conversation where he says ‘I miss how you used to be’. Sometimes that hurts more than I can say because honestly, I miss how I used to be too.
Fuck you mass media and the poisoning of all women’s minds that skinny is the only sexy. Well folks, I am not going to let my chub get the better of me. I am going to redefine sexy for myself. I do think curvy can be sexy. I need to get over this image I have of myself as a size 8 and move past that. I don’t think it is attainable to think I could be that small again. A size 12, probably….a size 10…eh maybe, but the point is not ‘well when I get here, I will feel sexy again’. The point is, I need to feel sexy now. I need to recapture some part of that old me. And you know what, it had very little to do with my size. It was all mental. It was all about the confidence I was projecting. What made Andy think I was sexy was the idea that I thought I was sexy. Men, afterall, are just helpless little sheep when it comes to sex. ‘huh? she wants to have sex? um okay!’
So it is time to get over myself. Push that box of size medium corsets into the deepest darkest corner of my closet…speaking of which, your opinion? chandelier in my closet – too much?….and find some cute new items that fit and make me feel great. That’s right folks, I am on a quest for new lingerie! Stay tuned – this chubby girl is bringing sexy back!
*Actually they made fun of me the entire weekend because apparently, despite how I see myself, as a teenager I was the furthest thing from a slut as you can get….well unless you were a virgin when you got married. In their eyes, I am like one step sluttier than that.