Thought Vomit Wed-ursday coming atchya. Obviously tomorrow I am going to be busy doing my best imitation of a food network show whilst I cook, bake, mash, deglaze pans (if I was there I would deglaze the shit out of that pan….use some red wine about a quarter cup….if you haven’t seen this south park, you are missing out), etc. So blogging is not going to happen. Thus, TVW!
First off, it is going to be Ham Day in this house. Turkeys can go eff themselves. It isn’t that Turkeys….shouldn’t it be Turkies? Who came up with this language? Whatevs (told ya I needed a Webster Award instead)…..anyway it isn’t that they aren’t delicious, because they are, but upon my extensive (read: not at all) investigations I have never seen a turkey at the store that didn’t weigh 40,000 lbs. Now I know there are a ton of skinny bitches out there (Oak and Kelly) who can afford to have 39,950 lbs of turkey sitting about in their fridge for weeks at a time, but this chubby girl can not. So instead I decided to go with a small ham….a honey spiral ham….because obvi that is the healthier choice (again read: not at all). Okay it isn’t about calories…it is about this movie I watched with Andy, “ThanksKilling”…..if you haven’t seen it (and my guess is 99.99999% of the world has not) please don’t, but if you have WTF? Anyway, this horrific movie probably has a lot to do with the fact that I am not a big fan of making Turkey this year because turkeys are evil…..also did I mention ham is delicious?
Have you ever contemplated how we name meat? Someone didn’t give fowl the same consideration that they gave….what the fuck do you call like pigs and cows?….OMG did I really just write that? yes I sure did and I am not erasing it. Because this is an honest blog and you have to know that I am honestly an idiot sometimes. So what I was meaning to say was that whoever named meats didn’t give fowl the same consideration that they gave other ANIMALS (stupid Natalie). Let’s take a look at what I am talking about:
Cow = Beef
Pig = Ham, Pork, Bacon
Turkey = Turkey
Duck = Duck
Chicken = Chicken
Alright so technically Bison = Bison ruins my point. But you get where the initial thought came from….or maybe you don’t (wouldn’t surprise me, this is a crazy train). It is sort of like the Director of the Center for the Consumption of Fowl (could be a real organization) was lazy and didn’t want to think up new names for their products….of course maybe they wanted to be honest with their customers about what they were consuming. Freedom of information and what not….okay I have obviously spent too much time on this one.
So I am a bad person. I have found myself so not interested in spending time with our dogs. Bogger just wants to eat everything and Coby eats everything that isn’t actually edible…..and I feel bad that I go days without actually sitting down and giving them some good attention. Sure I give them pets a few times throughout the day, but I am kind of liking the fact that the baby gate gives us a “dog free” zone. So they spend a considerable amount of time staring at me through the gate and I just know they are sending hateful thoughts my way. I feel guilty mostly because I don’t actually feel that bad about it. Perhaps it is mostly due to the fact that Jack is sort of all consuming and when I am not consumed with Jack or having sex everyday (because obvi I follow the calendar), then there is cooking and laundry and randomly deciding to paint the vanity base cabinet in the bathroom. But I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I still miss Lincoln. It would be hard for any dog to live up to Lincoln and I just find myself missing him so much still. I remember telling Andy when we found out about his bone cancer that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to even have dogs if we didn’t have Lincoln (obviously I was super emotional at the time). But I kind of find that to be true. I mean I like our dogs. But would I care if they weren’t there? So like I said, bad person.
I won an argument with Andy last weekend and whilst I was prepared to spend the remainder of the day not talking to each other (our usual M.O……what does M.O. stand for?) he actually shocked the shit out of me (not literally thankfully) by providing me with a victory present. Did your eyes just bug out of your head reading that? If not, they should have. But it is true, we finished our argument, proceeded to start the “I am not talking to you ever again” part of the aftermath, and he grabbed his keys and drove away. I harumpt and started replaying the argument in my head, like women do, obviously I felt like I was right….but was he kind of right too?….I started feeling like I was too extreme in my argument and perhaps he was partially right on a few points. When he came back through the door I was ready to hang my head in shame and be like ‘you were right about this __’ but instead he handed me a root beer and said ‘here is your victory present’. me: blink…blink “what?”. Him: “you’re right and you had valid points, I don’t want to fight with you all day, so instead I am giving you a victory present and saying you won that one’….me: blink….blink “what?”. Yeah still in shock over that one. Then I drank that victory present keeping my recision speech quiet.
We just paid off Andy’s motorcycle! What what bitches!!!! That is right, we now officially own it fur realz. Now only $100 billion dollars worth of other debts we have to tackle and we’ll be rich bi-otch (The Chappelle Show? anyone? anyone?)….okay it isn’t $100 billion, but it feels like it sometimes.
Who posted last TVT that they wanted a picture of me in my Dodgeball gear? Because that is ridiculous. We don’t have gear. We wear t-shirts, yoga pants (well the guys don’t but I do) and tennis shoes. That would be like the most boring picture to post ever. Of course it could double as ‘show us a picture of your running gear’. Two with one stone and all that. But besides the fact that that would be silly, I am not ready to post a picture of my entire body on here because just because I have come to terms with how I look, does not mean I am ready to put a picture up and then spend the rest of the week worrying that you guys are secretly like ‘are you serious? she is okay with how she looks?’. Which obviously I know you guys would never post….mostly because I would delete your comments, but still. You could be thinking it and posting ‘you look great!’.
Alright assholes, I should book it. Happy Ham Day to all of you. I hope your hams are delicious and your rolls are plentiful. I am thankful for all of you. You rock. Eat Some!