New Year – A Change of Rules

First off, I hope you all have an amazing New Year’s Weekend! Woohoo 2012! I predict it will be babies for everyone in 2012. 

I have come to the conclusion that it is time….it is time to change the rules of this blog. I am sorry to do this to you all, but now that there are actually people out there who read my blog – Holla at my peeps! – I have started to feel a bit of unease. Unease at how completely easy it would be to piece together my life.

It’s not you….I trust you. It is others. The non-commenters, the non-followers who stop by….they make me nervous. I HAVE GUNS! You should know that secret hidden people!

Anyway, long story short, the New Year marks the perfect time for this to happen. I am going to increase my anonymity. But I thought it was only fair to give you some warning.

I am going to spend the next few days taking down many of my posts (first step was to copy my blog in its entirety to save for myself). Don’t worry chances are your favorites will remain. Probably the ones that will disappear are the ones no one cares to read anyway.

This also means that those who are near and dear to me (aka real life friends) now get to have the amazing super special honor of getting nicknames. Now give me some time. I can only come up with so many amazing nicknames at once. But I will find the perfect one that fits you….right Iron Ducts?

So Ladies….and I am pretty sure no Gentlemen. Things is about to change!

Happy New Year.


Chubby Girl’s Guide to the Gym

I am obviously enjoying this whole Chubby Girl’s Guide blogging, so here we go again. The Gym – a dreaded word in any chubby girl’s vocabulary. We fear it, sometimes the fear is so great it makes us pee a little.

But it makes me laugh immensely to imagine what I look like at the gym. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in the floor to ceiling mirrors and yes indeedy, I am hilarious looking. As you might imagine, the first rule of gym-going for this chubby girl is to avoid eye contact with the mirrors. Look at the floor, the tv, out the window, at other people, just try as best as you can to avoid yourself in the mirror. You’ll feel better just thinking you weigh 120 and have abs.

After several successful weeks of running outside during my lunch break, I finally had to cave and take my exercise indoors. Maintaining the idea that the only way I will stick to exercising is to do it during work hours rather than taking away more time from my family, I looked into a gym about a 5 minute walk from the office. And I joined.

My biggest mistake was to join a gym run by a World’s Strongest Man hopeful…..or was it a mistake? Sure standing in front of this giant meat head made me feel dumpy and like he was judging every inch of me, –

him: you just want the open gym membership?
me: yeah
him: you don’t want any one-on-one personal training and coaching, or to join in on one of our boot camps?
me: no
him: (judgy look) okay´╗┐

– but at the same time it is kind of a trip working out and hearing him talk. Obviously as his muscles have grown, his brain has shrunk. Some of the things that come out of his mouth, I just internally smile and think ‘I may be chubby, but thank god I am not that dumb’. Score for brains right?

Not only do I go work out with Strongest Man judging me with his pea brain, but then there is also cute Tiny Ponytail Trainer. Seriously?….way to make me just want to slit my wrists. I had to remind myself that if I was at a gym for 8 hours a day I would probably look like her too…oh and yesterday when I was there, she totally racked herself in the vajayjay. I shit you not! She was on the lateral pull down machine, or at least about to start it. She was wearing her “I am super intense” bicycle gloves (apparently you need to wear this to look like you know what you’re doing? I dunno) and she put on this strap or whatever that basically tied her to the pull down bar…..I don’t know. She was singing along to the banging rap music playing overhead and another trainer was chatting her up. Then she went to sit down and was apparently too forward or something and banged her vajayjay into the leg-rest thingy. HAHAHAH, but ow at the same time.

As a fellow vagina owner I felt her pain. The other dude had to help unstrap her so she could run into the office and shed some tears. But as a chubby girl I smugly thought ‘I would never be that hasty’. Score numero dos for the chubby girls!

The good news is, the gym is super small and nice. Sure SM and TPT are there, but besides that there is usually only 2 other people working out when I go, one of whom is my co-worker. It is way easier to work out with 4 fit people, one of which is totally dumb and one who doesn’t take good care of her vagina, then it is to work out at a big gym with 40 semi-fit people.

As this New Year business gets closer, I think many of us are thinking the same thing ‘I want to be in better shape next year’. As much as I try to love every inch of myself and tell myself I am perfect just the way I am, working out does make me feel better. It isn’t even that my body is changing significantly, it is just that I feel good. When I feel good, I feel like I look good too.

If you learn anything from this post (doubtful) let it be this: Watch out for your vaginas people. Keep them safe!

Broken Hearts

Unfortunately this Christmas didn’t go as planned for everyone I love. And my heart is breaking for E and H. I wish I could hold E tight and tell her everything that is meant to be will be. I wish I could go to the microwave and just push a button and pull out a baby made just for her. I just want to fix it….I am not even sure what it is, I just want to fix it. Give me the tools and a manual, I will figure out a way to fix it…..unfortunately there is no manual for fixing this one. So we will all just mourn with her.

Mom Guilt

Whoops, I scheduled this to go up on Friday, I guess that didn’t happen. So pretend you are reading this last Friday.
Mom guilt is stupid. I hate it. As a logical being I know that I shouldn’t give in to the stupid part of my brain that exacts revenge on me through “mom guilt”. Jack bashes his head on the floor, Mom guilt rears its ugly head – it’s because you put those damn socks on him!
Last Wednesday was Jack’s 9 month appointment. The dude has been chillin’ on the 50th percentile curve since birth. Sometimes 57%, sometimes 52% but right around average. Yesterday, um not so much and the mom guilt bit me in the ass….the brain ass….you know what I mean.

Logically Jack is doing great. He has and continues to hit all his developmental benchmarks. The arrival of teeth is slightly later than some of his peers, but still not unreasonably late. Teeth arrival can happen anywhere from stupid early to well after a year. So again, he seems to be about average and I count myself lucky that I haven’t had to live with the fear for a long while now.

He weighed in at 18lbs 8oz and measured 27 1/2″. This puts him under the 25th percentile……FUCK! Okay Logical Brain says ‘this is no big deal’. Facts: he has been moving around like a crazy pants. The kid is crawling and getting into everything. He is on the move. So it is only natural that he wouldn’t be able to get enough food to keep up with the activity; which is what the doctor said. The height thing….well I suppose it is the same case there. But the doctor made a big mistake.

He looked at the number for Jack’s height and was like ‘hmm this doesn’t seem right…let’s re-measure to be sure’. Sure enough the nurse was spot on. Now to his credit he said ‘well it is okay that his growth tapers off just a little, I am sure it will pick back up’. But “Mom Guilt” was already in full swing.

As you can imagine I pretty much believe it is my fault. It’s no shocker that I’ve been experiencing changes in my milk supply, so obviously Mom Guilt is like – you are starving him! You don’t have enough milk for him!

All the way home and for the remainder of the evening I was flipping out. Now Logical Brain tells me that he is still getting plenty of milk. He is drinking off the frozen supply and so even though I am not pumping as much, he is getting enough. I know that I need to relax. I know that it is going to be okay. I know that it isn’t my fault…..but it is a battle…an epic battle between Logic Brain and “Mom Guilt”. And although Logic Brain wins the majority of the time, the battles are pretty hairy.

The good news is this: turns out Jack can actually start getting cow’s milk at 10 months according to our doc. I had thought it was 12 months (I will probably look into this a little more, but link me if you have found some studies). He actually brought this up before the whole weight/height discussion and he was like ‘go ahead and just give him whatever milk you guys drink. 2% or whatever, he doesn’t need whole. If he does fine with it, you can keep him drinking that during the day and nurse him in the morning and at night or whatever you feel like doing’.

Obviously for me this was a huge relief. I no longer have to worry about squeaking through until 12 months with my supply or supplementing with formula. Now, hopefully, we can introduce some cow’s milk to help out. Thanks Bessie! You’re the best girl.

After the worrisome (in my head anyway) discovery of Jack’s lightness and shortness (could just be his dad’s gene’s rearing their ugly head….great I am going to have a short child…hehehe…Don’t tell Andy I just wrote that….I mean he is going to be “average” height) I turned to the doc and said ‘with the height and weight thing in mind, should we not try him on whole milk instead?’. He fully agreed and again told me not to worry too much (easy for him to say).

So we have 19 more days (who’s counting right?…um “Mom Guilt” is totally counting) until we can try out some cow’s milk. Obviously until then, I am going to be stuffing him with milk and food as much as possible.

I am throwing the sleep training out the window for a bit. We’ve been working on getting him to sleep through the night and now I am going to go back to letting him nurse whenever and as much as he wants. I know some of you are probably saying “calm down Natalie!”. But I think this is the most logical step to take. Mom Guilt definitely shouted at me – it’s because you are trying to eliminate his night feedings!!!!! So Logical Brain is going to give her that one just to ease some of her mind. We’ve got 19 days until we can try out the cow’s milk and until then I am going to do my best to sequester this Mom Guilt.


It’s TVT Bitchesssssss! Yeah. Today I am like Natalie in hyper-drive and here’s why:
  • First up – Snow! That is right, we are having a blizzard RIGHT NOW!!! And I love snow. Especially before Christmas. I originally had planned to work all this week and next, but with the snow I have decided to take tomorrow off and we are going sledding. I don’t even care if no one else wants to go, I am forcing Big Butter, my SIL, Andy and Jack to all go sledding with me tomorrow. It is going to be epic.
  • Big BUTTER is visiting! YEAH!!!! I LOVE THAT DUDE….well obviously because he is my brother.
  • Last Night was Winter Solstice and we spent it with some very dear childhood friends of mine. Obviously I had to put Jack in a ridiculous sweater because hello….that is like my job. Here he is with my dad (who for those wondering, is doing awesome. All done with chemo and his PSA is ridunkulously low. woohoo)
  • It is Auntie Em’s birthday today! Auntie Em is Andy’s sister. She is completely awesome in every way. She has taken on the difficult task of updating my fashion. It is basically like having a free personal stylist. When we go shopping together, I am still looking at the first item I spotted and I turn around to see her with 14 things pulled. The girl is efficient.
Jack loves her because she always wears lots of accessories for him to play with. He especially likes her necklaces and scarves.
  •  It’s almost Christmas! Yeah dudes. This is awesome. Sure Jack is teething (number 2 is getting it’s cut on in his mouth) and a little crankier than normal (which let’s face it for him, this means he only smiles and laughs like 85% of the time…the dude is happy) and sure the roads are icey and dangerous, but that isn’t going to get this girl down. BECAUSE IT IS CHRISTMAS!!!! Or rather it is almost Chrishanukwansolsticivous! And the snow has made me really feel it this year. YAY snow!
  • Tiny shoes – We had a couple of pairs of baby shoes that were hand-me-downs or gifts. There was really no point to them, so we only put them on Jack once or twice. But recently I bought Jack some shoes from a consignment store ($3.50 each? WHAAAA? Such a good deal) and now I am so excited to put shoes on him. Sure he is like ‘what are these?’, but they are adorable. And I am pretty sure they will be useful soon. Notice the one-handed cruising? Little man is getting close.
  • I had a venti chai this morning! So there’s that. 
  • PEACE BITCHES! Have an awesome weekend.  


Dudes, we have a tooth….one single tooth on my 9 month old baby, yeah suck it you mom’s with babies my age or younger with 4 or more…..And for my closest ladies, I mean suck it in like the nicest way possible. Imagine I am handing you a candy cane (holiday themed post – check) and telling you to suck it. We good? Alright then.

So yes, we have a tooth….well Jack has a tooth. Let me tell you it is one of the most exciting and yet terrifying things in my world right now. First – the exciting part! – my kid won’t need dentures. He won’t be the youngest Polident spokesperson. I won’t have to play momma bird and pre-chew all of his food for the rest of his life…..okay I realize we are getting ahead of ourselves. We are just talking about one tooth so far. He won’t be that successful if more don’t show up. But at least it is a sign of progress. Woohoo! My kid will most likely get more teeth!

Okay terrifying – Have you ever been really excited about something that is the equivalent to putting your arm into a blender that has a history of randomly going off because there is a short in the wiring? This analogy will make more sense in a sec, let me explain.

I discovered said tooth on his 9 month day mark, or whatever you want to call it. To call it his 9 month birthday sounds weird. I was brushing his gums, like we do every night…why?….because I am starting good habits, that is why! don’t make fun of me. A dentist literally told Pickles that you should get your baby used to brushing their teeth early so then it is not a big fight when the time comes. So there. Medical professionals agree. Anyway, I was brushing Jack’s gums and I like to get a little feel in at the end to see if there is anything to report about. And I felt the slightest bit of sharpness. Nothing you could see, but I knew it was coming.

I trotted upstairs and victoriously announced that Jack would not be a toothless wonder for much longer. Andy and his sister weren’t that excited about it. They were like ‘eh whatever’. So I trotted back down stairs and turned to Jack ‘well I am excited for you’. Then came the time to put my boob in his mouth…..and suddenly this fear washed over me. Holy fuck! This is terrible. This is the worst thing that could ever happen.

Jack has chomped me before. When his gums are bothering him and I am feeding him half asleep, sometimes a nice chomp down will happen. It wakes me up, I detach him immediately and we give him some time to know that isn’t awesome. The gum-only chomps aren’t terrible, but they aren’t pleasant either. Now we are adding a razor blade into the mix and I am fucking scared peeps.

The only good thing about this situation is we are only talking about one tooth and it is on the bottom, so when he is eating he covers it with his tongue. But I have become like a jittery nervous wreck near the end of each feeding. I am watching him closely to make sure I can get him off of there when he is done drinking and before he gets a gnaw in there.

This is a scary new world.


Whoa have I been a super slackity slacker when it comes to Thought Vomit Thursdays. Believe me it is not for a lack of Vomit. There is plenty in this her noggin’. Let’s get started:

  • My boss and I are friends again. I snapped at him yesterday, but today we’re back to our old knee-slapping ways. I just spent 15 minutes with him in his office staring down at two women in the parking lot who were going through a pile of clothes. He was like “NATALIE!!!! Quick! What the hell is going on here?”. He has two sons. So he has no idea the weird things that ladies do, like exchange clothing out of our trunks and what not. He’s like ‘wait, why didn’t she like that? not her color?’. Hilarious. Obvi I like it much better when my boss and I are friends. Maybe I have just had a stick up my butt lately, but he was getting on my nerves. After snapping at him, I re-evaluated and realized I should have dealt with that differently. Being a grown up is hard yo.

  • Turns out letting your friends live their own lives is a hard-learned lesson for me. It is good for me to remind myself though. I totally need to let things go and not internalize. Vague enough for ya? Yeah, I am not going to go further either.

  • I am like a giant ball of emotions. Happy, nervous, excited, scared, frustrated, all of that. Mostly it surrounds E and the impending arrival of her ADOPTED SON!!!! WHAAAT? Yeah, dudes. YOu know how I was like ‘I am giving my eggs to E’? Well like 45 seconds after that post she found out she is getting a baby for Christmas! HFS! Hang on, let’s spell that out, it deserves it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!! So yeah most of my emotions have to do with her. The others have to do with Josey’s new bouncing baby girl. And the rest have to do with my own life and work and shit. I won’t go into that on a TVT….I am still processing it anyway.

  • My Aunt, the one that is like almost twinsies with my mom, sent Jack an advent box this year. It was SUPER sweet and adorable. See my mom used to go all Martha Stewart on everyone’s asses and before Thanksgiving she would put together advent boxes for EVERY SINGLE ONE of my cousins, and my brother and I obvi. She would tie stuff to a ribbon and then each day we would pull the next gift out of the box. It was super exciting for a kid. So anyway, this year Jack gets a box in the mail from my Aunt on like December 2 and it looks like this:

It is so beyond awesome and I just wish Jack was a couple years older to really appreciate it because my Aunt went like all out. So every other day is a small gift, like bathtub dye (did you know this exists?) or a rubber ducky, but the other days she attached pictures of my mom with little notes about her. Like “Grandma Patty had the most beautiful hair. She wished it was straight, but everyone remembered her for her beautiful black curls”. Therefore every other fucking day I am crying as I help Jack pull the items out. It is both awesome and sad at the same time. I think I will save everything and put it back in the box next year so we can do it every year until he is old enough to really understand.
That’s about it for this TVT. Hope you all have an awesome Vomit-filled….thought vomit that is…Thursday.