Wait, How’d I Get Lost?

I sort of have this freakish ability…..no this isn’t something dirty, let’s just get that out of the way (for readers who will remain nameless)…I have an internal GPS. That is what Andy and I call it anyway. I must think in plans and maps because once I have been to a place I can undoubtedly get there again. Even if I was there in the dark and a smidge tipsy, I can still usually find my way.

My internal GPS seems to be a defining trait. I have always known where I was going, I am rarely unsure or apprehensive or….lost. I do not get lost. I decided at 7 years old that I would be an architect and here I am. I decided I would have a successful marriage and start a family, buy a house, yada yada yada. Basically I made it to these points on my life “map”. But now that I am here I am like ‘wait, where do I go from here?’.

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I could only plan my life up until age 29…geesh what a underachiever, am I right?

Andy made an observation the other day, as we were discussing our future dream cars: ‘do you think we are going through a mid-life crisis?’. I stopped and let my brain process as he went on. ‘I mean look at us, we both want these old cars, yours is basically a hot rod, I am not planning on living much past 60….so it does seem like this could be our mid-life crisis, right?’……

Maybe that is what is happening to me. I am feeling the rumble of the bear (Legends of the Fall reference anyone?) inside me. This strong desire to do something more, be something more, squeeze out every ounce of life I possibly can…yep pretty sure this is a mid-life crisis. Anyone know what is keeping my skinny blonde supermodel? she is late….must be doing her makeup.

I am not sure what is going on with me, but to tell you the truth, I would say as long as I am not ripping apart my marriage, foreclosing on my house, or neglecting my child in the process, let’s just ride this “mid-life crisis” wave and see where it takes us. WOoooooo!!!!


She-Baby Shenanigans

Well peeps another acorn is about to drop out of the Oak tree so it be time to CELEBRATE IN THE BLOGISPHERE!!!!!!! Those of you who don’t know Oak are probably lost because I am pretty sure all of my buddies follow her too.

Basically Oak’s a real bitch. See we were supposed to be baby buddies. Mac and Jack were born 3 days apart and we were both ready for numero dos as soon as humanly possible, ASAHP! Of course she was the only one that worked out for. Therefore – Bitch!

Being of Irish decent, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that Mac-Attack and She-baby will be a mere 15 months apart, those Irish, we know what they do with their free time and it doesn’t have anything to do with potatoes……or at least we hope it doesn’t.

All joking aside, or at least for a paragraph, then we’ll get back to joking – we are all so happy that Oak was able to get “accidentally” (because obviously she was aware she ovulated) pregnant after struggling with IF to get Mac. It is something that all IFers hope for – that someday there might be a time when we don’t have to temp, chart, get stabbed by tiny needles, drink weird concoctions, force our husbands to bang us 52 days in a row, take pills, monitor with u/s, do injections….you get the idea.

Oak is out there showing us that maybe, perhaps that first hard-won pregnancy will be the key to resetting our crazy bodies and get us working right again. Maybe our second kids won’t be a multiple year process. So thank you Oak, thank you for showing us the light. Congrats on getting “accidentally pregnant”…..you whore!

As is the dealie with bloggy-babyshowers, some of us picked out apparel for the She-Baby. Now I know what you are thinking.

Natalie picked out something truly inappropriate for Oak no doubt!

….and you are right! I found so many inappropriate options for She-Baby that my ass-hole cup had runneth over.

I was in the contemplation stages between a onesie that said “Fuck the Milk, Where are the Whiskey Tits?” and “I’m Cute? No Shit”. But then something happened. A onesie found me.

It found me and it said ‘hey! don’t be an asshole, this is the onesie made for She-baby’. So I obliged. Here you are baby girl. No need for auntie Natalie to give you a shirt with bad words because between your mother and the rest of us, we will get you cussing all too soon as it is.

Also FYI, your name is actually Natalie. It doesn’t matter what your parents decide to name you, you were conceived on my birthday and I told your mom that your name would be Natalie. Boy or girl in fact. Your mom’s response was “my poor son!”. Ha we showed her you were meant to be a Natalie! Way to go in their with the growing of the vagina and what not…..I guess you did all the work.

We can’t wait for you to arrive, we have lots of friends for you to play with. I know you’ll have Macky to look out for you to. As a little sister myself, I must warn you – having an older brother can suck ass for a good….25 years or so. See boys like to sit on you, punch you, handcuff you to chairs, tie your bedroom door knob to the bathroom door knob across the hall so you can’t open your door. Forcing you to crawl out your bedroom window only to realize that now you are locked out of the house completely……just as an example.

Hopefully Mac-Attack won’t be like that. But chances are, sometimes he will. Guess what? There is an awesome ending to that story. When Mac gets to be in his 20’s all of a sudden he will turn into your best friend in the whole world. And then you’ll be like ‘YEAH! It was so worth it to almost get impaled by that hockey puck because my big brother is AWESOME!!!!!’.

I call my big brother Big Butter. Being as I am your aunt, I will totally be cool with it if you decide to call Mac that as well. Just stay strong little lady. Knowing your momma, I would say Mac should actually watch his back!

Also one more thing little girl – turn the fuck over! Geez way to have us all yo-yoing around. It is like back and forth with you. Maybe you really just want to be cut out of there, but listen, the vagina is really the way to go if you can get there. Sure it’s a tight squeeze and what not, but your momma’s is totally already blown out, so it will have way more space now than it did a year ago. Plus I won’t be able to make fun of her vagina if you come out of her belly. Come on girl – do it for me.

I think that about wraps it up. I can’t wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. You’re going to be the best Natalie that ever lived….even if your name is something else. Love you She-Baby!


I realized I haven’t done this in FOREVER….it has actually been so long that I can’t even locate my button in my recent image history….that means it has been months! Le Sigh. A buttonless TVT post. Such sadness. I’ll get my button going for next time, but right now trying to find it is taking away from the thought vomit and no one likes that. Need to save all the vomit for the post. And here we go:

  • I am getting like ridiculously good at guessing the sex of my friend’s babies as of late. I think it is just a fluke though. I mean technically I have a 50% chance of being right. Therefore, please do not inundate me with messages asking me to tell you what your baby is…..it does kind of make me want to go pick some lotto numbers though.
  • Fake it ’till you make it – that is my motto for the next couple of days. I can’t really disclose what is happening, let’s just say it doesn’t have to do with my family….that probably gave it away. Anyway, right now I am trying to just get through the next couple of days and see if maybe life has a little surprise in store for me. Let’s hope so. In the meantime, let’s try not to pee our pants.
  • The Brave One – Something has seriously happened to me in the last couple of weeks. Ever since the most recent incident at work I have just felt stronger, more sure of myself. I am not sure exactly how to describe it all……let’s just say that I am liking myself and finding a new happiness and drive. From now on, I am going to be stronger. Meager, ready-to-please Natalie is taking a vacation.
  • Date Night – Tomorrow is date night! Woot! Jack is doing an overnight with the grandparents. Andy and I were going to stay in a boutique hotel we had a gift card for, but whatd’yaknow they were all booked up. No worries, I am determined to transform our bedroom into a little boutique hotel……and if I actually had time to dedicate that would involve more than just making the bed and hiding the books in a drawer, but alas it is me we’re talking about. But dang it if that bed isn’t going to look awesome once it is made. We’re going to see one of our favorite comedians and then maybe go out for drinks. GASP! we might actually stay up until after 10pm!….technically I stay up past 10pm anyway (I’m addicted to reading), but we will be staying OUT until after 10pm. It is going to be CRAZYYYYY!!!!
  • Budget budget budget – So I am usually super anal about our budget. WHaaaa? Me anal about a home organizational tool? nooooo. Okay obviously that is a no brainer for those who know me. But lately I have taken a vacation from monitoring our budget. Tisk tisk….Actually it has been a little nice to be completely honest. Out of sight, out of mind. But it is time to return from my vacation and get back to work. I was pleasantly surprised to realize we didn’t completely fuck ourselves while I was away. We got a little more free than normal….meaning I actually bought some clothes for once and Andy got a couple new things. So it was nice. But now it is time to get back to our debt-tackling-mayhem! For some reason that makes me imagine a wrestler……I can’t explain my brain either.
  • 30-30-10…and 2? – So I started looking into our trip, (newbies: the trip to celebrate Andy and my 30th year of life and our 10th wedding anniversary, circa summer 2013) and I am pretty sure we are going to South Africa. Cape Town is a must-stop, but I find Johannesburg is cheaper to fly into. So then I wonder – road trip from J-burg to Cape Town? or hop a quick flight? It is just so fucking exciting to even plan a trip such as this. But as I was looking into options and possible sites to add to our to do list I started thinking…..Jack. Okay here’s the thing. The original idea of the trip was to celebrate Andy and me. The two of us hitting an age and marriage milestone, but Jack is sort of an integral part of our lives. Weird how that happens. He is sort of our favorite thing right now. He makes us more in love and makes us better people and I just couldn’t imagine not having him with us on our adventure. Now I get that he will be 2 1/2, so he won’t remember it by the time he turns 16. But at the same time, I can’t imagine him missing out on it. I can’t imagine doing some of the things we’re thinking about doing and not looking over to see his little eyes register what they are seeing. So since planning is in the tentative stages anyway, I decided to add his plane ticket into our budget. Our 30-30-10 celebration might be a 30-30-10-2 celebration…..you know unless he is a real ass-hole at that point, then we will leave him with the grandparents. 😛

Do What You Gotta Do

I have grown in the last two weeks. You wouldn’t stumble upon me and be like ‘Wow Natalie, have you grown? Because I can certainly tell’. It isn’t something seen by the naked eye….have you guys ever wondered where that saying came from? Aren’t eyes always naked? Does anyone put clothes on their eyes? I sure don’t. I digress.

Last week I put on my big girl pants and marched into the big boss’s office….okay I didn’t exactly march, it was more like a “pretend you are actually confident” walk, and I told him what was bothering me. I didn’t want to be the person to rat out someone else. However, it was one of those situations where if I didn’t step forward and ask someone with authority for help, I was probably going to be left holding the bag.

I felt instantly better. Not only was I reassured that I did the right thing coming forward, but all the worry and anxiety I was internalizing just vanished. It was a huge relief. And just the simple act of stepping forward gave me confidence. Confidence that I had done the right thing.

I tend to be one of those people who would do anything for you. Which can be awesome 90% of the time. I would literally give you the shirt off of my back….and that is saying a lot because I don’t like being nekid in public. But 10% of the time this kind of mentality means I get taken advantage of. People who are too busy to deal with their work try to shove it off onto me. What’s worse is I am the type of person who does feel instantly responsible for said tasks, even if they are WAY outside my job description.

But last week I stood up for myself and you know what? I am going to do it more often! And I am not just saying that. When the individual who started this whole incident returned from vacation today – yep, they handed it off and then disappeared for a week and a half – and asked how the Big Boss came to be involved, straight up honest Natalie showed up and was like ‘I went to him because you didn’t give me any other choice’. Bam! Don’t play with fire if you don’t want to get burned…….and newly grown Natalie is all on Fi-yahhhh!!!!. Bitch!


I am certain pretty much every blog that I read will have the same theme this week. It is National Infertility Awareness Week. A week we all dread even has to exist. A week we wish we didn’t have to know about at all, but a week we are all so deeply and rawly connected to.

You all know how I feel about this fucking infertility shit. If I had a big enough uterus to bake babies for everyone all at once I really would. Baker’s dozen headed your way in 9 months. That would be awesome. Instead I can just be here for you, wishing and hoping that someday soon your dreams will come true.

Thoughts from a Chair Lift

I took a mental health day yesterday. I had some lift passes to use and no foreseeable weekend day to squeeze it in. I also had a good bank of PTO just itching to get used and it looked like the snow might be semi-decent…..not that I needed that many excuses to take a day away from work. Geez it was starting to sound like the only way I would be out of the office is if all the stars aligned for me. Definitely not the case.

It was a glorious day. I was like a little kid on a carnival ride, “Again! Again!”. Just me and my skis. Perfection.

When my butt started getting sore and I decided my fun to soreness ratio had met its max, I packed up and headed home. I arrived with plenty of afternoon to do things with. So I got an oil change, picked up a late lunch and caught up on a couple shows friends have been recommending.

Turned out it was just what I needed. I felt rejuvinated and ready to head back to work with a new attitude!…..of course then I hit my desk this morning and some of that shiney new attitude quickly wore off. Turns out it is easier to love your job on a ski mountain.

Small Step For Man

Jack took his first steps on Monday night….or what I will deem his first steps as they were the first steps that I have seen, so if he took any before then, like at daycare or while he was home with Andy, then I don’t count those steps and I don’t want to know about them.

The good thing is, Andy knows that I wouldn’t want to hear about it, so if it did happen, he is being a good husband and not telling me….

Therefore – Jack took his first steps on Monday night. And last night he went crazy. It was awesome. This kid is going to be running by the end of the week!

I am such a proud Momma.