Finding Myself, Giving in to the Midlife Crisis

Now that we all agree that I am going through a midlife crisis, it seems the consensus is to go with it. So here I go. For obvious reasons I am apprehensive to write about what is going on in my brain during this “awakening”, but it is sort of all-consuming these days. So I either write about it, or I don’t write at all. So fuck the apprehension, let’s go balls deep….and I had every intention of making this an eloquent post. I guess that wouldn’t be my style.

Alright so it comes as no real surprise that I am on the hunt. The hunt for adventure and excitement and….well just generally hunting. Something inside me clicked a while back and I realized that I find myself sitting in front of a computer 10 hours a day going through the motions and getting tasks done, but not really feeling it.

You know when you are driving somewhere you have been a million times (ahem – like work) and you let your brain just drift? When you arrive at said location you realize that you can’t remember a single thing about the drive itself. Did I change lanes at all? Did I remember to stop at that stop sign? You can’t remember. And it is sort of a scary feeling because you just blanked out on a portion of your life…..that sort of epitomizes my job as of late. I am blanking out on a HUGE part of my life.

Now, you should know, it isn’t my job’s fault. It is what it promised to be and the people in my office are phenomenal. I think that is why I haven’t realized this drifting through life until recently. Now that I am cognizant though I am just burning at the thought of wasting one more second. I feel like I am in a glass tank and the water is slowly rising. I am trying not to struggle, just to stay calm and keep faith that pretty soon a ladder will appear, but some days there is utter panic. Panic that I have to get out NOW!

And I think that is why we call it a midlife “crisis” rather than a midlife “re-evaluation” or even just “event”. I am trying to just make this whole situation a midlife “event” rather than give in to the feeling of crisis. Because obviously at this point in my life I should make a smart transition not just a “take whatever I can get” transition. I am trying to take a calculated look at where I am, where I want to end up, and figure out how I am going to get there.

Dudes, let me tell ya, it is hard to take a calculated look at anything. But I am doing it. Slowly but surely I am. The first step is to figure out where I want to go. Obviously I know where I am right now. As mentioned before, I am not 100% sure where I want to end up.

The thing I always tell people when they ask, and I am pretty sure would be somewhere I’d like to end up, is that I would someday like to buy old factories and manufacturing complexes and develop them into mixed-use buildings. Now, short of becoming BFFs with Ted Turner, I am not 100% sure how to go about this.

And one of the biggest downfalls of said idea is that I have seen what working for yourself looks like and there is something magical about leaving work at the end of the day and not flipping out that it is your money on the line….or in this case someone else’s money. So I am not sure that is REALLY what I want.

So a second thought is working for the government in some capacity. I decided it was time to really check that option out. Because I tentatively have an idea of how I can eventually get there, but I don’t really know for sure. Why try to fumble around in the dark when there are folks that have already strung up a set of Christmas lights to the destination? Basically today I am picking someone’s brain. I am going to walk into their office (don’t worry I made an appointment) and say ‘how did you get here?’ and ‘what exactly does ‘here’ involve?’.

Because if there is one thing I have learned, you don’t necessarily know what your job is going to be like until you have been working it for a while. Those one year jobs of your past that you look back on with fondness? Yeah well those might have eventually been boring and you might have gotten to the point where you just wanted to escape….and you know what? Maybe that is the key. Maybe changing jobs and career paths every so often is the way to go?

I always pictured myself wanting to settle into a “career”. You know one of those paths where you can see yourself working there so long that eventually you are a partner and running the place? That is what I thought, but maybe I am wrong?….or maybe I just haven’t found that place I really want to run someday. It is all hard to say at this point. But as of now, we are catching our first big wave folks! In the immortal words of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Cowabunga Dudes!”

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3 thoughts on “Finding Myself, Giving in to the Midlife Crisis

  1. It sounds like you have some big, exciting possible changes coming your way! I wish you the best! I agree though, if someone were to ask me where I see myself career-wise in 10 years, I have no idea what my answer would be. It kind of depresses me…

  2. I think you are taking all the right steps to get where you want to go (even if you don’t know where that is yet). You are the most thoughful person I know. You never jump in without testing the waters and your career path is no different. I don’t know exactly where you’re going to land (unless we will the lottery in which case you know we already have a game plan). I do know that wherever it is you will land with grace.

  3. Dude, you’re like so smart! You seem to be doing very well at making it an event and not a crisis! Major kudos to you! I hope I remember your approach when it really hits me that I am turning 30 and I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I wish you very good luck on your journey and hope you’ll share more of your wisdom as you realize it. 🙂

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