I can’t even tell you how weird this feels.
I had to have FF e-mail me my password it has been so long since I was on there. I logged in to find that I was at CD756 before I entered the first data for Tuesday morning…….this is really truly strange folks.
As is customary for me, I am a mixed bag of thoughts and emotions. I am excited to get this business started again. I am nervous and scared and questioning whether this is the “right time” for this. I believe “What are you thinking?!?!” is being screamed by one side of my brain and the other is like “This better happen fast this time, I can’t deal with the disappointment again!”.
I am not really sure what I am hoping for. Part of me hopes four weeks from now I am looking at another box of tampons thinking ‘yes! we’re regular’. The other part is hoping that this will be my only trip down Tampon Lane because I’ll be reporting a BFP again….does anyone even remember what all these acronyms mean? Fuck me, I need a crash course reminder.
I am not sure if I should classify myself as TTC…..TTC….it feels like such a distant memory full of heartache and worry and stress and….and I just almost hate that acronym more than anything. I don’t want to be trying. Because to me with trying there is a sense that it could turning into failing to conceive. I don’t want to fail. Failing is almost scary enough at this point that I don’t even want to try.
Along with all those stupid thoughts I can’t get rid of, we have the other side of the coin. The return of that part of me that probably talked itself into not having kids at all 8 years ago. The girl who thought ‘if I have kids I can’t have adventures and travel at the drop of a hat and move around as much as I want, you just can’t do that with kids!’.
Obviously I now know what an idiot that girl was. Stupid stupid girl. But part of her is still there. Thinking ‘with one kid you can still do all those things!’. With one kid you can scoop him up, jump on a plane and go!. You can maneuver around an airport with only slight coordination with one kid.
It isn’t that this part of me is thinking no more kids! completely. But she is sort of convincing me that a couple more years of just one kid might be absolutely fabulous….but then….what if? what if this is my window? what if I wait too long? what if? what if? what if?……..ahhh fuck.
What am I gonna do folks? I have no freakin’ idea! There is a HUGE part of me that is ready. That is like ‘yes! let’s do this! please let this happen’. And there is this other part that is kind of okay if it doesn’t happen right away again. I know that is the dumbest and probably the most hurtful thing some of you could probably read. I am sorry. I know I am a selfish good-fer-nothing bitch for thinking that. I just speak my brains thoughts on here, so I hope you’ll forgive me if that at all hurt those of you who are still so desperate to meet your first little ones.
I know I will still make things happen for myself and my family if numero dos comes right now. I will figure out how to take two babies on a plane by myself or I will stop traveling so much. I just realized that tomorrow Jack and I will be boarding a plane for his 15th flight. He is just a couple of weeks shy of 15 months and he is going on his 8th trip. I want to be able to do that for both of my kids. I want them both to have the same adventures and experiences……but I am not dumb. I know I won’t be able to do that.
But the truth is, come next March, we probably wouldn’t be doing as much traveling anyway. Jack will be turning two. That whole ‘hold yer kid in lap’ sitch will end. So that means two tickets…..and he will be two….I have no idea what to expect with that.
He is so sweet and awesome that I can’t possibly imagine him going through this thing that people call the “terrible twos”. Certainly that won’t happen to my sweet little man…..but again, I am not dumb….I know it probably will. A classification like ‘the terrible twos” doesn’t come about by only 2 or 3 parents having kids that go through it.
Le sigh….are you all confused by my brain yet? Basically I think I have worked it out. Thanks for reading as I mentally dump all my thoughts and feelings and work through them. The truth is, this is almost over. March of 2013 my streak of jaunting about the country at will is probably over. So why not go for it and see if the end of that part of my life can’t mean the beginning of another…..a second baby!……soooooo I guess we are trying to conceive again. Heeelllppp I am so effing scared dudes!