At least we can eliminate Amenorrhea

Remember 4 minutes ago how I was like ‘I am not going to try to get pregnant this time because wouldn’t it be fun to do it the natural way’?……yeah that only works if you have some sort of discernible cycle to work with. Crap….here we go again.

The good news is I think we can eliminate that I am suffering from Amenorrhea. Don’t think you can qualify for amenorrhea if you are 20lbs overweight…..of course I suppose I could be the exception to that rule.

You guys were so awesome offering encouragement for my bike ride. Guess what? I survived and it was awesome…except for that part where I decided to take some surface streets in lieu of the longer bike path and quickly realized that my ting tang would not be a happy camper after that pounding. Seriously CDOT, let’s fix some roads at some point. It was as I was bouncing my way down the road that I thought ‘um why do dudes ride bikes at all?’. I can only imagine a dude riding down that same road. They would be passed out on someone’s lawn after 45 feet of ball crunching pavement.

I think I have decided to not bike both directions tomorrow. For one, it has been hot as balls in Colorado the past few days. A record-setting 105 yesterday….um what? I didn’t know Colorado thermometers went up that high. But also because it will take me an hour and a half to get down to work and then 45 minutes to shower and that would leave about 45 seconds of work before I would have to turn around and head back home….hey that actually sounds like a pretty good plan. Riding a mile to the bus is plenty for the morning portion….besides taking public transit is totally allowed on Bike to Work day.

Let’s see what else is going on? Oh my boobs are still pretty ginormous. I put on a dress this morning, thinking about max ventilation for the crotchal regions, it zipped right up and I was like ‘hellz yeah!’. Then I went to look in the mirror and realized my chesticles were causing the bust darts to strain. Rather than risk the life of the dress I decided it would be better to hold off on this outfit until the ladies shrunk down. I have to say I am pretty surprised they are still so big…don’t get me wrong though, I am glad they are because it totally makes me look more in shape to have giant boobs. If they get smaller you will be able to tell that I do not have a flat stomach….you know because I am fooling so many people right now.

Work has been pretty cool lately. The dude from our San Fran office has been monopolizing my time with *GASP* architectural work! I know! it is crazy how sometimes I get to do the things that I dreamed about when I decided to become an architect. Wackytown….but that is not to say that I am not still maintaining crossed fingers for ze dream job. I have a third meeting in a couple of weeks. Things are moving a bit slowly on that front, but as I said, I am really enjoying this slow pace. No quick drastic movements.

I am thinking that is about all the information I have for you folks today…..surprising eh?

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Jack – A pirate of restfulness

Oak’s most recent post reminded me that I have things easy when it comes to the exhaustion department….and by easy I mean, I am fucking worn out, but not as worn out as her. Basically I am so thankful to be at work and get some “quiet time” – Do any other working mom’s feel like this? – if only my job was to nap….are there jobs like that?

Don’t get up in arms SAHMs I miss my little man a lot and realize that you guys get the benefits of seeing every single step of their lives and what not, but every once in a while I am thankful to go to work.

Speaking of, I should buy my daycare provider a mercedes or something. That woman is a saint….not because of Jack. Jack is obviously the best behaved, well-mannered kid ever….ahem…but because she not only has Jack, but 7 other little ones as well…..can you dudes imagine having 8 little kids in your house at one time running around? I sure can’t. That sounds like a nightmare.

What’s even more amazing is that when I pick Jack up she is all calm and relaxed. Her hair isn’t like frizzed out in all directions and her clothes a mess. She doesn’t have pee and/or poop all over her and she isn’t like meeting me at the curb with Jack in her arms and tears streaming down her face….how do women like that do it? I would be a mess. That is for sure.

With Andy working nights, I do a bit of the single parenting thing…..don’t get me wrong it is NOT AT ALL as rough as actual single-parenting. You dudes are amazeballs that manage that. Saturday Andy went in at 5pm and within the next two hours Jack managed to get into an insane amount of trouble.

It was like he got into the Christmas cocaine or something, he was all over the place.

  • I turned around for a nano-second, and when I looked back he had my SIL’s deotorant, sans cap, in his mouth with bits all over his lap. I grabbed it from him and found teeth marks all over it…..how can they do that so quickly? I was literally sitting 3 feet away from him. Yucky deotorant taste in your mouth = crying.
  • I bought these metal racks, they aren’t too big, but they seemed too heavy for a 15 month old….nope apparently not. Despite stacking them between a chair and the wall for safety from him, he managed to crawl back there, lift up the stack and drop it on his toes. Smashed toes = crying.
  • My SIL was drinking an IZZE, the tiny ones in the metal can, and quick as a whip Jack picked it up off the coffee table, tilted his head back and dumped it all over his face and up his nose…..oh and on my freshly mopped floors. Fizz up a baby’s nose = crying.
  • As I was coming back from grabbing a paper towel to wipe up the mess, he slipped on it and bashed his head. Head bashing = crying.
  • He got a hold of a picture frame and figured out how to take it apart. I look over and he is carrying around the glass by itself. Me = heart attack…..he = thinks this is funny.
  • As I was making his dinner he was standing on the baby gate…as per usual….then all of a sudden he started to get fussy….I realized he had wrapped his arm like a zig zag through three rungs and was stuck.

When I finally put him down in his crib I breathed a sigh of relief that he would most likely not cause as much trouble in there and I could finally relax after a lot of jumping, running and comforting. Whew! Dudes I think this road is getting bumpy….who am I kidding though? It is definitely awesome.

Trouble? Who me? Nooo

I am Like La.nce Armst.rong….only with one less ball

So the battle of the muffin top rages on in these parts. I am happy to report that I have traded muffin top for love handles and am now wearing the majority of my pants. With billowy tops as not to emphasize my love handles, but let’s not count that part okay? Woohoo! It is a small step for man and what not, but it is a step forward none-the-less.

As I am hoping you will not recall…..because I did not make that goal one bit…I had the intention of getting to my goal (aka. all pants without chub protrusions) a long time ago….let’s just not talk about that goal okay? Let’s pretend it didn’t get set.

It isn’t like I didn’t try. I did 2 months of going to the gym 3-4 times a week, then I signed up for a boot camp, so went to boot camp 3 days a week and the gym 2 days….not as big of a difference as I expected. So then I did a month of hot yoga 3 times a week and the gym 3 times a week. Seriously body?

In my body’s defense there are some serious muscles underneath this chub…..now we just have to get to them. So my 6 month gym membership is coming to an end in a couple of weeks. I am sort of reluctant to renew just yet, as I am uncertain if I will still be in this office or potentially a new place (fingers crossed). Obvi current gym is 2 blocks from the office. BTW that is the way to go people. I work out for an hour during my lunch break. It eliminates the guilt of taking more time away from Jack to work out, but I still get my activity in.

Anyway long story short (sorry Oak) I am going back to what worked 2 years ago….you guessed it, riding my bike. Next week is Bike to Work day in Colorado so this morning I decided it was time to verify which route I will be taking, that my bike is still in good working order for a long ride, and to see if we can’t shave off those love handles once and for all…..well maybe not for all, we are talking about a second pregnancy eventually.

So today is the day. I am feeling just like I am about to start the tour de france, like Lan.ce Arm.strong minus his other testicle….and you know some of his muscles and what not. My ride today is only about 22 miles as opposed to however many miles the tour is, but I am sure the citizens of Colorado will be lining up to cheer me on and wave my flag and run out in the street and almost trip me…hopefully not the last one.

Next week I am going to attempt the whole 44….yikes. I am scared folks. If you happen to be in the area you will find me riding under an “Indiana” jersey….why Indiana? Have you been there Natalie? Does your family live there? Nope. My butter gave me the jersey and I was like ‘cool it’s red’….that is all it takes folks. I will probably be going too fast for you to actually read the word “Indiana” though. What what Lan.ce? (arms outstretched, head slightly tilted)

 

 

Tijuana, a city of poor choices

For the past three days I have been experiencing some ass-deja-vu. The last time I had this particular experience was after a trip to Tijuana….let’s revisit.

I was 21, a newly wed with a husband in Iraq. A friend from Colorado was coming to town to do some surfing and wanted to meet up. We rendezvoused at the beach and he gave me a surfing lesson (“He” being an operative word, so store that for laterz). Somehow the topic of Tijuana came up. I had never been despite us living minutes away. He was Guatemalan by birth, so somehow it was decided he would be an acceptable chaperone for my first trip south of the border.

We parked in a super shady lot on the U.S. side and proceeded to walk across. I was mentally thankful I knew where to pick-up the light-rail in case  a) we returned to find his car was stolen or b) I found myself somehow alone and needing to get back home. A girl has to be prepared for anything.

Somehow I felt more comfortable going with a man, but I came to find out later that I shouldn’t have been. So into downtown Tijuana we go. It was a wild visual experience. As an architect, the first thing you note is that Mexico doesn’t appear to have any building codes. A school bus mounted 5 stories in the air and acting as part of the “club” should set off alarms in your brain and make you think “perhaps I should have googled ‘club collapse statistics in Tijuana’ before I came”.

The buildings were a conglomeration of materials…it made me nervous, but hey let’s go with it because we’re young and crrraaaazzzzyyyy. You can go to Mexico with the best of intentions and think ‘I am going to be smart and not drink the water!’, but when the night goes on and you decide that those buy one get one blue cocktails look like fun you later realize that ice is made from water….yikes.

Another poor choice you might make after some drinking is deciding that eating tacos from a street vendor is a good idea. hmmmm. They were quite delicious going in. We club hopped. They basically pull you into their clubs. And a few times the doorman forced people out of a table to sit us down. It was the strangest experience of my life. If I weren’t significantly drunk I probably would have thought someone slipped me acid. The club experiences were intertwined with stints on the street, where I would sober up as I saw dirt covered 3 year olds selling gum at 2am.

At some point we got pulled into a strip club…ugh I still cringe at the thought of sitting on a velvet booth seat and watching very VERY young women strip…..someone wash my brain please. I think it was after this point, despite being schwastey beyond belief, I decided it was DEFINITELY time to get out of there.

Surprisingly we found the car in place….but my “chaperone”, a friend I had known for 3 years…or thought I did anyway, decided it was a good idea to make a pass at me. Wrong wrong sir. I was thankful he was quite a bit more drunk than me. He was alternating between trying to convince me we should just take a nap in the car before heading home, to telling me how much he respects Andy, to making a pass again. I sobered up quick-like. I waited a little while after telling him if he tried to touch me again I would remove his arms and thankfully he dozed off. I made the decision a white girl walking alone at 4am was more dangerous than attempting to get home with him in the car, so I retrieved the keys, left him laying in the back and crossed my fingers I could make it home without waking him up.

The closer I got to home the nervous feelings were replaced by rage for this guy. What a complete asshole. I was dumb too. Looking back now, what the hell was I thinking? So many poor choices in one evening.

As luck would have it, he stayed asleep the entire drive and thankfully I had met him at the beach and never shown him where I lived. So I decided I would park a few blocks away from my house, lock the keys in the car with him, and never see him again.

Turns out he called the next morning to see where I went. He was pissed to wake up alone in the back of his car and I proceeded to explain how pissed I was at his actions and told him to fuck off.

But I hadn’t put the entire experience behind me….there were residual effects of my evening of poor choices. I spent the next 48 hours afraid of my ass and making a dash to the bathroom whenever I felt any kind of gas bubble coming on…..it served me right.

I was painfully reminded of this night over the past few days. Not sure what the hell is going on with my ass, but apparently it is reliving the events of 8 years ago.

Natalie – 8 years smarter, yet still afraid of her own ass

 

Beer a substitute for Advil? You be the Judge

I figured I was the last woman on earth to not have my vajay professional waxed by a stranger, but turns out there are others with the same curiosities as what came out of my mouth with Oak the other day. A few of you actually asked for a post-event recap.

So here it is: turns out Oak is quite right, it was like having coffee with a friend just with your vag out. Things actually got a bit freaky coincidental, but I will get to that in a minute. First a break down of the waxing experience itself.

First off, Oak recommended that I take an advil before hand to help take the edge off. Well in all my distraction I forgot to grab two advil before I met up with my dad for lunch…you know because there is nothing like lunch with dad before showing your vag to a stranger. I am so thankful that when I told him I had an “appointment” he didn’t ask any questions, or offer to walk me there. Whew. Although I guess I could have just told him I was getting my eyebrows done…..I probably wouldn’t have though. Knowing my mouth it would have come out.

Anyway, when we sat down to lunch I decided a beer was in order since I forgot the advil. Now although my brain was feeling pretty good, I don’t think the beer helped take the edge off the wax. I don’t have the advil scenario to compare it to, but I will report back when I do.

I was about 8 blocks from the waxing studio so decided to walk and then halfway there was like ‘ooo, what if my vag is all stinky now from walking here?’ It was too late by that point. I got into the room with Destinee….which turned out to be destiny indeed…and she said she would walk me through everything step-by-step but first, pants off.

I guess I am thankful to have some previous ting tang waxing experience because the beginning was not bad at all. Apparently even though it had been about 6 years since anyone else had waxed that area, the top front didn’t bother me at all. The worst part is definitely the crack…..the crack can just go eff itself. It is an absolute sonovabeetch and I hate it for the pain it caused me on Friday….sure you could blame me for deciding to wax it, but instead I choose to blame it for deciding to be hairy.

Destinee did not make me do the naked child’s pose. Basically I just laid on my back with my legs in a diamond configuration….feet together, knees out. Then flipped over and spread eagled for the ass crack….Brazillians do include the ass crack FYI.

Meanwhile Destinee and I tried to carry on a conversation. She is halfway through her business degree. She wants to open her own spa someday. Then things got strangely coincidental. When the discussion turned to why on earth I would let someone rip hair out of my privates, I told her it was a special treat for our anniversary. Then we talked about kids. I was surprised she asked if we had any considering she was staring at my collection of stretch marks. Sure they are lighter, but what else causes that sort of stomach-stretch-mark configuration?…..I guess maybe there are other things that I don’t know about and someone who sees a lot of vaginas would? I dunno.

We started talking about kids and she has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. I asked if they wanted kids and she said ‘we do. Actually I am kind of worried because we had planned to wait until our 30s but I just had an appointment with my doctor and she thinks I have…, oh what is it called…POS’. My mouth almost dropped. “PCOS?”…”yeah is that what it is?”.

All of a sudden I was switching between talking fertility with this girl and wincing as she ripped hair out of my no-nos. It was wild and definitely destiny. I told her about our story. Turns out her natural period is very much the same as mine. Having never actually gone in for an u/s to determine if I have PCOS, I couldn’t say for sure, but she said it made her feel so much better knowing that she could still get pregnant. She was starting to think it wasn’t a possibility. I told her about all my friends who have struggled and that there is actually a huge community of women out there who have to go through extra steps, but that there is hope.

I told her about Taking Control of Your Fertility and how we pretty much all started there. I walked through the signs for progesterone deficiencies and lining issues, etc. and told her how the book can give you a glimpse of what might be wrong. Her doc has done a u/s to confirm PCOS, so she is basically in the same boat as me. I told her about temping and how my chart looked compared to what it should look like. She was so interested in it all and kept asking questions. The relief in her voice was palpable after our conversation. And I just realized I got more out of that wax than just a naked ting tang, I made a connection with another one of us.

Perhaps if all that hadn’t happened I would never have done this, but I made another appointment. Mainly because after going through all that once, I am definitely keeping this shit up. It definitely feels nice after and a certain someone showed his appreciation for the effort…ahem. But mostly I wanted to check in on her. Find out if she checked out the book, if she had any other questions, and if she needs other info. Because obviously you ladies have experience and information up the ting tang that a girl like her could use.

She asked me for advice and now I am not so sure if my answer was right. She asked if I thought she should start trying at 25 instead. Her doctor recommended they start at 28 instead of waiting until 30. I told her if she was really worried about it then yes. But if she wanted to wait a couple more years and finish her degree first, then she shouldn’t feel rushed into it. I know some of you will probably freak out at this advice. I know some of you would probably tell her start trying right now. And maybe that was the right thing to say. But there was still this part of me that thinks it would be more harmful for her to panic and get pregnant now than to wait until she is done with her undergrad and has a husband instead of a boyfriend. I told her that it might take a while. She might have to try for a couple of years and she might have to use some drugs/procedures to help, but there truly is something to be said about having your relationship in the right place before tackling infertility.

Can you all imagine not having a strong relationship with your partner before you went down this road? Almost all of us have experienced the lows that IF can take us to. I know if Andy and I weren’t as high as we were, the lows might have broken us. I am not sure if what I told her was right. Because as I was walking back to my car I started thinking if someone had talked to me 6 years ago and told me about this struggle, what I would want to hear?…..maybe I would have wanted someone to tell me ‘get pregnant NOW!!!’ But honestly I waver back and forth. I guess if someone had said ‘listen it might take a couple of years and you might need some help’ maybe that would have been enough. What do you guys think? What would you want to hear?

I see Destinee again in 4 weeks. Her and my ting tang will battle it out again. So I will be able to check in with her and see where she’s at.

Talking to a Girlfriend

Because I don’t like to keep things serious for long. When in doubt turn to one of your best girlfriends.

Natalie:  so I am pretty nervous about my professional ting tang waxing. I have had it waxed, but by a friend who waxes….so I am nervous, but then not as nervous as I probably would have been before having Jack….since ya know everyone has seen my ting tang now 

Oak: She sees so many yours won’t be anything special… No offense.

Natalie: HAHAH.

yeah but do I like try to have a conversation with her?

 what do we talk about? 

Oak: I mean I assume there’s nothing highly remarkable about it like its green or shaped like a cornucopia

Yes. You just chat.

Natalie: shows what you know. it is highly remarkable

do I take off all my clothes or just my pants? 

 it would be weird to be completely naked right?

Oak: Like you’re having coffee but with your vag out. Just pants and undies.

Natalie: I almost peed just now

 shoes and socks? 

Oak: That might be weird. Avoid that.

I take off my shoes and socks.

Natalie: because it would be weird to be pantsless with shoes and socks on

Oak: Riiiight.

Natalie: man I bet you wish you were going to be filming this

Oak: Here I am with my pumps and my … Blouse.

Natalie: I buzzed my bush down last night and got all crazy and cut my clit….oh dear I am just a mess

Oak: Dude. You trimmed before a waxing??  How amazon had you gone???

Natalie: well I am hoping I didn’t cut too much off……I dunno. It was actually kind of ridiculous because the top portion wasn’t too long, but I bent over and looked and was like ‘WTF?????’  the underregions got a little out of hand

Oak: Take Advil before … Takes the edge off. Also it needs to be 1/4 inch

Natalie: okay cool. I think it is long enough…hopefully

do they like turn you away if it is too short 

Oak: Mine’s usually  long enough to braid though.

Natalie: BAAAhhaaaa

Oak: No. It’s just not as good a wax.

Natalie: with a brazillian do they do your ass crack?

or do you have to ask for your ass crack? 

 It just seems weird not to do my ass. I mean to have a clean front and a hairy back.  but is ass-crack separate from brazillian?

ugh I am so dumb

and I can’t google brazillian wax at work 

Oak: Depends on the waxer. I usually say take everything but a strip and then motion that the whole undercarriage needs up keep

they should either ask or do it out of process.

Some make you flip and put your ass in the air but most just make you hike your leg.

Natalie: like tabletop position?

Oak: And yes. A hairy asshole negates a clean labia.

Natalie: hike my leg? like I am a dog and she is a fire hydrant?

Oak: Like “face down ass up” child’s pose.

Natalie: nice. yoga + waxing 

like shocking yoga

Oak: Totes. Just remember like I said – peeing on her is frowned upon.

Natalie: I will really try not to. 

they should make like tampons for your pee hole.

so you can put them in when it would seriously be a bad situation to pee

Oak: I cant wait to impart this wisdom on my daughter someday.

Shmupdate

Here’s where we be: last time we talked about career things I had completed my first interview with ze dream firm (german accent)…..well maybe that is putting too much pressure on it to call it ze dream firm, whatever go big or go home.

Friday I had another interview eh let’s call it a meeting rather, with the preservationist. Um this chick was awesome. First off, it was a good call not to put on my new 47″ high wedges I procured from steve madden (mmmm love!). Thank goodness for the flats I wore because she was itty bitty….probably at least a foot shorter than me. Just a darling lady. I picked her up with one hand and put her on my shoulder…okay not really. She was so awesome though.

I showed her about 84 thousand examples of the work I had previously done and we chatted about how awesome preservation is, how we are the coolest people on the planet, and what not. She told me all about herself. She is sort of my opposite. She has her undergrad in preservation, went to work for the gov’t and then decided she wanted to actually work with the buildings rather than review reports and what not. She has worked for this firm ever since and has become the firm expert.

She said that recently she expressed interest in wanting to do more ground-up work. She is an architect after all and whilst she loves preservation, she needs some help to free up her time to pursue some new construction as well. Um SIGN ME UP!!!!

I was so excited, but tried really hard not to pee my pants. I basically nerded out on her though saying that it is so awesome talking to someone who actually has my dream job….um awkward-much Natalie? Whatever. When I nerd out I like to just let it all hang out. Overall it was a great and exciting meeting. From what I gathered it sounded like they were very interested. I left my stack of work with her to review…..it was all writing so the girl needed some time to digest….I can be a bit verbose (GASP!!! Noooooo).

She said she would meet with the principal again and they would get back to me. I told her to take her time (when really my brain was screaming out ‘so I can start Monday?’). I know my hopes are just high as the sky right now. There is a whole other conversation I need to have with the principal, and while I want to just dive right in, I really do think making this a slower process is going to be for the best.

I changed my header as you probably noticed. I was sorting through pictures and thought this one was absolutely brilliant. This is our actual doormat….we like people to know where they are. But having Jack in the picture just reminded me, this is it, you are here. Some days I can get so crazy focused on “what’s next? where are we heading? time for adventure!”. I have to remember that yes adventure is all well and good and seeking it is important, but I also need to stop and realize what is happening right here and now. I am here, thanks doormat. Smart-assery pays off again.