If You’re Going To Do It….Don’t Do This

So it was BU’s post mentioning spiteful masturbation that first caused lots of rolling on the floor, but then made me realize ‘hey I should masturbate more’. I mean, let’s be honest, dudes do it all the time. If you’re husband says he doesn’t, he is lying….maybe lying is too strong of a word. He is probably trying not to hurt your feelings. I know when I first learned of Andy’s frequency I was met with feelings of inadequacy. But after just shy of 9 years of marriage I am like ‘eh whatever, get down with your bad self’.

All I know is Andy makes time for it at least once a day, some days more. Maybe that is excessive? I am not sure. I guess maybe it is easier for dudes. I mean they “handle” their junk every time they go to the bathroom. Our is much more incognito. I barely remember I have a vagina until AF comes to town….which as we all know doesn’t happen often.

Andy has started working nights again. That adjustment has been a mixed bag. On the one hand it is hard to notice a real difference. He leaves for work about an hour before I go to sleep and he get’s home as I am about to leave for work. I would actually argue the plus side is that we actually have a conversation in the morning before I leave because previously he would still be asleep as I snuck out of the bedroom.

Someone actually asked me ‘so when does he get to see Jack?’. I was sort of offended by that statement. Because honestly, if you realize his hours, he’s just switching when he used to sleep with work and squeezing in some sleep when he would have previously been on campus all day.

He isn’t done with school, but he is on summer, thus only taking one class two days a week. So he still spends the mornings with Jack and the evenings before we put him to bed. It is about the same. Only big difference is sleeping by myself. And I have found we’ve needed to change our sex time from evening to mornings.

Now before I begin this ridiculous story, you must know we have a unique bed. Basically picture a king sized hospital bed. The head and feet raise for comfort levels. There is a “zero gravity” mode which is awesome….oh and it vibrates…which doesn’t do much for either of us, but makes Jack laugh. So our bed has a remote. Obviously it is an awesome bed for reading because you don’t have to stack pillows behind you and what not.

Anyhoodles. On Friday night it escaped me that I would still be in bed when Andy got home from work. I am so used to being ready to leave for work when he gets home, it didn’t occur to me that I wouldn’t be getting up at 5:30 on Saturday morning. So while I was getting ready for bed on Friday I decided to put on the pair of pjs that Kelly bought me. They are super comfy and consist of a light green t-shirt and brown pants with butterflies on them. When I first brought them home, he was like ‘what are those?’. He’s not a bit fan of the pjs I tend to buy. Thus why I usually just sleep in a tank with built-in-bra and what not. But thinking he wouldn’t see my wearing of the comfy pjs I decided to put them on.

In addition I decided it was a good night to have a little vagina party or whatever it might be called. I get out my party accessory and turn off the lights ready for some romantical time. Next thing I remember is waking up to Andy walking in the bedroom door. Now it is hard to say if I just passed out as soon as the lights were off or if I did in fact accomplish a vajayjay party for one….if I could venture a guess I would say nothing happened. But my hand was still on my “accessory”. I was in such a groggy state though that I thought I was holding on to the bed remote, so I pulled it out from under the covers meaning to set the bed remote on the side table.

Imagine Andy’s surprise when I produce a vibrator in front of his eyes. I remember him saying ‘oh really?’ and me turning quite red. As I sat up to stash my party toy in the drawer he caught a glimpse of my pjs and added ‘in your sexy pjs no less’.

So yeah…..basically if you are going to have sexy time with yourself, don’t get caught. And if you are going to get caught, be wearing something sexy. Because I am pretty sure when dudes picture us taking care of ourselves they are thinking sexy lingerie maybe, I am not sure. Let’s just say they are not picturing butterfly pjs. Le sigh.


13 thoughts on “If You’re Going To Do It….Don’t Do This

  1. Is it weird that my first reaction to this post is to say that I want your bed?
    Yeah, scratch that question – it’s definitely weird.

  2. I just found your blog … how have I not come across you before? This is the funniest post I’ve read in a long time!! I love it! I’ll definitely be back!

  3. Holy shit balls I am laughing so hard and turning red at my desk for you! Maybe that’s just the pre-show, you should have gone in for the main attraction right after…if you weren’t already spent. 🙂

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