A Second Date with Destinee

I have an appointment on Friday for my second date with Destinee. You all remember her? Is it weird that I feel awkward going back to the same person when it comes to waxing the nether-regions? I sort of feel like in this case perhaps it is best to be a slutty whore and shop the job out to a complete stranger each time.

I am curious to see how she is doing and whether she took my advice and checked out some of the books/resources. But then that kind of feels bitchy too right? Like ‘did you listen to my awesome and wonderful all-knowing advice? or did you forget all about it as soon as I walked out the door?’ Because it is completely possible she was like ‘ugh what does that bitch know?’

Just kidding, no one has ever said that about me? Because I am in fact a genius and everyone recognizes it….or something like that.

Another reason I am thinking about cancelling my date with Destinee…which just seems like bad karma….is that I had a serious in-grown hair down there…And somehow that ingrown hair turned into a situation….so I am sort of like ‘should I hide out for another week? or will this just be like totally normal to her?’….as Oak told me, my vajay is nothing special so it probably won’t even phase her. But it isn’t like I have extensive experience with this. I assume probably the only times you don’t go get waxed is if you are getting a visit from AF or something SERIOUSLY wrong and disgusting is happening down there, like an STD….or a baby is coming out. I just want to make sure that if she sees it she will recognize it as a healing in-grown hair and not worry I am about to give her something. ya know? Her job is dangerous enough with out those worries.

Let’s see what else is happening with me? Uhhhhh…things are pretty boring around here. We survived our family pictures yesterday. It had rained for a couple of hours prior, so there was threat of rescheduling. Which if you have a husband who hates getting his picture taken as much as mine, and who has been bitching and dreading this day for a week, rescheduling is pretty much worse than death. I was not going to survive another week of dealing with him….well I at least was not going to survive another week without losing all sense of my own happiness. When he is in those moods it seriously sucks my will to live.

Don’t you love how your husband will be bitching all day about something and then turn to you and say ‘why are you in a bad mood?’. Oh I don’t know, maybe because I have been listening to your mopey ass! Just as an example…of some other married couple. ahem.

Anyway, turns out Andy was actually pleasant during the pictures. I think it helped that pretty much everyone on the planet told him that it was important to me….or at least I did and his sister did. So he apparently rallied for me. It also helped that our photographer is a cute tiny chick and rode with us in Andy’s truck. She was like ‘ooo this is so cool! I bet you feel REALLY safe in here’. Way to go photographer chick! She also constantly told us how hot we were….which really isn’t true, but man did I feel like a super model. A sweaty super model. So the thing about rain in the summer in addition to me changing my clothes and Jack’s clothes and swinging him up in the air to keep him smiling and laughing is….basically I was a sweaty mess.

Also my hair went flat. Mother-effer. It was so fucking cute you guys when I first did it. It was like I actually know how to do something presentable to my hair. By the time we got to her house, flatsville. I even sprayed the shit out of it with extra hold. I didn’t have a chance.

Another thing that will make you a sweaty mess, when you decide to put on the spanx in the back seat of your husbands truck all the while hoping he doesn’t look back and see you wrestling yourself into them. I even opted for the comfier, less restrictive, version of spanx…maidenform I think? because I didn’t want to be wrestling myself into them. Yeah well…no luck there. I was just going to not put them on, but then I was like ‘hey you bought them, they are here….and you will so be pissed if you get a pooch ruining your otherwise super hot supermodel pictures’. Am I right?…..

Now a smart Natalie would have put her spanx outfit on first and then switched to her jeans outfit….um hindsight. That is all I have to say. It did occur to me, but I made the extremely poor decision of asking the photographer which outfit she would like us to start with….my bad.

Also something to keep in mind…I was SOOoooo glad that I had a jacket for over my sleeveless dress. Because the black shirt I bought from old nav.y combined with my sweat left black fuzz all over me, but was especially concentrated in my pits. Can you imagine if there had been no jacket? Folks let’s not even go there. Let’s just be thankful that things went the way they did and not dwell too much on the what ifs.

All in all we survived…and then Andy and I snuggled on the couch and watched a movie passed out on the couch. Family picture success….oh and don’t even ask. It is the height of wedding season, so I am not expecting anything from her for 3 weeks.


The Great Wait

So yes….I am still waiting….and now it is becoming really hard for me to keep claiming this isn’t just a publicity stunt to keep you coming back to my blog to read about my vagina and get your opinion about retention garments….but I swear I am not lying and that I really am attempting to get a new job! Hopefully it will happen…sometime in the next 4 months or so.

I had this prediction a few months ago that a job offer would coincide with finding out about a second pregnancy. It just seems like something that would happen, you know? So doesn’t it just seem ridiculous and ironic that I get a negative test and the next week I have my 3rd interview, thinking it will be just days until I get official word, but then it gets drawn out some more…..it just makes me sigh and think yep makes sense. Couldn’t get a job offer with a barren uterus, that would just work out too perfectly.

Maybe this is the way the universe is dealing with the fact that there has been some serious happiness throughout my world the past few weeks. We have some new babies to celebrate, and some long – let me stress LOOoooooonnnnggggggg – awaited pregnancies. And in reality those are like 400 bagillion times more important than my new job. If there is like a tally up where only 2 good things can happen per month, I would much rather those things be friends getting pregnant/bringing home babies than me getting a new job. So I can wait until next month’s good things get dispersed…which looks like might be the case.

The good news is, I e-mailed the office manager on Friday. Just to make sure that the owner hadn’t like fallen off a cliff or something. She wrote back right away saying that he had likely been pulled in too many different directions and momentarily spaced out getting back to me. Then she wrote the best thing ever – don’t give up. Apparently that was all I needed. Someone who knew him and knew this behavior was nothing to be worried about telling me not to lose hope. And then I didn’t.

My hope was restored and I realized there is really no rush here. I can wait until the timing really is right for everyone involved. So there is no need to panic. Plus now I know some of the things I will be bringing to the office if I am hired – organization and responsiveness. I get shit done. That about sums up the “about me” portion of any discussion…of course you can’t really say that in a first interview, but if you could, I totally would. Because I do get shit done. Hell I even detached and have started taking apart my own garbage disposal.

Am I a plumber? Nope, but I can for sure take a garbage disposal apart….can I get it to work? Who knows? But I will certainly find out. By the way, garbage disposals….pretty much the most disgusting thing ever. I am certain that most shit smells better than the stuff that has accumulated in the garbage disposal. I am serious. The entire time I was cleaning it out/taking it apart I was thinking about how much complaining Andy would be doing if I had made him do it – and admittedly I was also gagging. But boys are babies sometimes, am I right?


Mystery Revealed!

AND THE ANSWER ISSS……..wha wha whaaaa. Not Corndog Shaped or Mint-Flavored. WTF?

Total let down, no? Have no fear I am in the process of writing a stern letter to the company letting them know that I had high expectations of their product and was painfully disappointed by it. Painfully!

Game Time

As it is Friday and I am feeling particularly hilarious I thought we could play a little game. Ready?

One thing you should know about me is I like me a corndog. Who doesn’t really? Don’t answer that if you don’t like corndogs, I like you so much, I don’t want to lose my love of you due to your hate of corndogs. Lie to me.

Anyway, my SIL knows my love for corndogs and picked these mints up for me. We weren’t sure what to expect….so I thought it would be fun to see what you think they are.

And let the polling begin. So from this picture….no cheating and googling this product….you have to tell me what you think is inside.

Results auto-schedule to go up this afternoon. So don’t panic you will not have to wait all weekend to know the answer.


To Spank or not to Spank

Pshhhhhaahaha you dudes totally saw this post title and thought I was going to get into a heated debate about spanking your children. Didn’t you? Go on admit it!

Like I would get that serious after a post about my vag. No way dudes. By the way I am super tickled by the fact that all your vajays are just as big of earth-killing whores as mine. They are in good company it seems.

So here’s what we’re really about to talk about. Retention garments. As in the spa.nx. Do you guys have them? Am I missing out on something amazing here? I feel like the nerdy kid in gym class who doesn’t have the coolest new tennis shoes or something. Are s.panx the newest tennis shoes?

Here’s what’s up. So Monday we are taking family photos. Our first official family photos since tiny sandwich was born….yeah well don’t judge okay. I wanted to wait until I had enough positive feedback that Jack is in fact the most adorable kid ever and that it isn’t just all in my imagination. Once that tally hit 20,000 in case you were wondering where my margins were. Yes, 20,000 people have told me Jack is adorable…okay no. I just like to throw random numbers into my posts to confuse you and make you think I am official in some way. 7.3 people a day are confused by me….so you’re not alone.

Anyway, I have this new adorable dress and I love it. I think I want to wear it. The issue is, when I am not paying attention and standing/sitting up straight my pooch pokes out a bit making the fabric encounter an unflattering resistance, if you will. So if I really focus on the posture things are peachy…and one would think during a family photo shoot I would remember that I was needing to be paying attention to myself.

But in reality, Jack will be there…obviously. I am going to be focusing on Jack, making sure he doesn’t have boogies, trying to get him to smile and laugh, you know basically doing a whole song and dance circus to make it look like we are that family you see in ads. Probably the allergy ads where the mother is holding the child and twirling in the field of daisies or something.

I just know I will not be focusing on my pooch. That bitch is out to sabotage me I just know it. So then I was like ‘hey maybe we need some span.x’. They can do the job of keeping pooch in check and I can focus on Jack. Voila!

But I have no idea what span.x are like. I mean do they make things cling to them? In which case would I be encountering an even greater issue of my dress clinging to the span.x and making it obvious something wacko is going on? Should I just tackle this issue by wearing a good old-fashioned slip….a slip? what is that? ask your grandmother…and yes I have one…..okay two. Black and off-white.

Ugh the torment we go through as women, am I right? Sometimes don’t ya just wish we still wore girdles?….what do you mean no? Why are all you women’s righters walking away right now?

Anyway if you have any advice about the span.x let me hear it. If you have horror stories I am especially interested in laughing at those. You are all awesome!

Not ALL of me is a hippie

Ze Dream Job Update: I called last night after work and spoke with a nice lady who said boss-guy wasn’t in the office that day. So “Hopeful Natalie” has decided that he hasn’t been able to get back to me because he had to immediately rush off to secure the new project we discussed and as soon as he gets back in, he will have an amazing offer to hand off to me. Thank you all for being here while I go through this purgatory of waiting it out. I KNOW it will be worth it in the long run, but damn waiting sure as hell sucks ass. And this feels like an extra big test of patience….I have patience, but THIS much patience is just borderline ridunkulous.

A much delayed visit from AF last week had me contemplating new things about myself. Isn’t it wonderful when you learn new things about yourself? It is like a constant adventure – this life business.

Now I don’t get the pleasure of using feminine products very often…my loss, I know. In fact, I teased myself a while back for buying two jumbo boxes of tampons when there was a good deal on them because they proceeded to sit in the linen closet for almost 6 months (yes I tease myself…it is fun, don’t judge). But, when the opportunity finally arose, let me tell you, those puppies were like the Cadillac of tampons.

In cycles past I have just done the economical/environmental thing and bought the generic cardboard applicator tampon. But this sale just couldn’t be resisted and these jumbo packs were the sleek, smooth plastic applicator kind…..let me tell you my vajay was in heaven.

All of a sudden we had a coup on our hands. The rest of me was like ‘wow this will take 84 million years to decompose in the landfill’ and the vajay was like ‘who fucking cares? burn the earth to the ground! we are never using anything except for these amazing tampons!!!!’.

She is an evil bitch that vajay. No seriously, she will probably kill us all. As I neared the end of my second AF visit I had finally come to the end of a jumbo pack…oh and since I was so busy making fun of myself I ended up giving the second box to my SIL….fucking shit was my vajay pissed when she realized we could have had two Cadillac jumbo packs!

Now you should know that I take all my tampons out of their box and stuff them into an awesome vintage tin jar….like the kind you used to put coffee, sugar, etc on your kitchen counter, I stuff ‘pons in them because it is pretty. Anyway, there was a mixture of hippie ‘pons and kill-the-planet ‘pons, and so I would alternate between them and let me tell ya, it was like the vajay was physically rejecting the hippie ‘pons.

During pit stops I noticed the hippie ‘pons were making an exit…in the southward direction. Bitch was literally refusing to work with the hippie ‘pons. Long story short….now I know for certain my vajay is not a hippie….and pretty sure she will not cooperate until I go and purchase another box of kill-the-planet tampons.

No update

Well it feels really strange to be in a holding pattern. It is like my last few days of pregnancy where everyone is wondering if something has happened. Nope….no progress whatsoever.

A couple of people were great enough to tell me not to be concerned. That it is higher on my list of priorities then it is on theirs, so they are probably just not realizing what a hard deadline I was seeing Monday as. To them they were like ‘yeah I will probably get back to you by Monday’ and I heard ‘I will get back to you no later than Monday’…..

I just keep reminding myself that this is a job I asked for. They weren’t looking for someone. I showed up and was like ‘hey! how ’bout you start paying me to come here?’. This process is definitely completely different from submitting a resume for an open position they need filling. So….I will wait…..some more….eventhough I don’t wanna.

Let’s see do I have anything to distract you with?….I suppose I could talk some more about my grass……tell you how awesome Jack is….tell you about my new exercise class…..ugh but I am just not feeling it today. So let me go and regroup. I will focus on some new shit to talk about and come back with more enthusiasm.