Dudes………I am that person…..I am the person at Wal.mart that everyone stares at and thinks “OMG!!!! Look at her!!!!!! Look…..Look!!!!…..take a picture!!!!!”
Someone pleeeaaaasseee kill me now. I am semi-certain that I will be on the Peop.leofWalma.rt website very soon. I hope no one caught a picture of it. I hope that people were too horrified and felt too sorry for me that they didn’t have a chance to take out their smart phone….but who am I kidding? There were 84 thousand people there and I was going nowhere fast. So there was plenty of time and opportunity to get a picture for the ages.
To be truthful there really isn’t much you can do except laugh at the situation….and that time is right now. Here’s the story:
I picked Jack up from daycare on Wednesday and she proceeded to tell me that he was really sick. He had pooped while in his high chair at lunch time and it was so runny and foul that it went everywhere……down on the floor even. She said it was the worst smell she has ever dealt with. I went home prepared for anything.
He seemed just fine mood-wise. I made him mac-n-cheese hoping he had just eaten something strange earlier and the cheese would solidify the issue…..like the opposite of drano. After he was done eating I smelled it……it was bad….like something died and then fell into a bucket of acid and then caught on fire and then died again. Well maybe not that bad. But not good.
I picked him up from his high chair and realized it was about to run down his leg. I stripped him down and put him in the tub. TMI TIME: It wasn’t much of anything….mostly water…..well putrid water with chunks of yellow squash…sorry I tried to give you fair warning. But whatever the cause of this situation it instantaneously burned his butt. It was like insta-rash. Poor man.
I washed him up and decided despite the risk he needed some air exposure. So I played the dangerous game – nekid time. I let him run around for a good 30 minutes and he seemed happy as a clam and fortunately didn’t have to go. I figured maybe he had passed whatever situation had caused that and all was well and good.
Andy’s sister came home and suggested we go run a few errands. She needed some spray paint….you know because we are gansta and needed to tag up some shit…..wow could that have been more nerdy? I think not. She was painting a table with her boyfriend. A little less gansta.
I changed Jack after we ate dinner, so figured he would be good for a while. So when we pulled into Walm.art I was like ‘no worries we don’t need the diaper bag’……so dumb Natalie…so dumb. All was peachy as we went to the paint section…..then a smell escaped. ‘Oh NO! i thought’. Rather than run out to the car I figured, considering the size of wa.lmart, the best idea would be to grab a bag of diapers and wipes and head to the nearest restroom.
I did the classy thing and broke into the packaging before purchase. GASP!!! Hey dudes, you do what you gotta do. I changed his diaper and thought all was well……all was not well. We grabbed a couple more items and headed to the check-out…..where 84 million of our friends and neighbors were waiting and of course there were 4 lanes open. Side bar: WHY IN THE HELL DO THEY BUILD 150 CHECK LANES IF THEY ARE ONLY GOING TO OPERATE 4 OF THEM? WHYYY!!!!!!!
So we’re standing in line, FOREVER! And suddenly I feel something warm on my hip “OH SHITTT!!!”. Literally! Okay okay stay calm. I pull Jack back and so far it is just making my shirt wet….and smelly…but not horrific…yet. I look around in panic. The lines are not budging. I can’t go anywhere. None of the 10 items of less lanes are open and I want to fucking scream at the people with carts filled to the top.
Then it happens…..it is no longer just me trying to conceal the situation on the side of my shirt. It is everywhere. It is down my pant leg, on my shoe, on the floor, on my arm……oh fuck! oh FUCK! I looked up in horror at the young mexican couple standing behind me ‘Oh shit! I am so sorry!’ I tell them. ‘That’s okay’ the guy responds….I don’t think he had any idea what just happened. I am popping open the wipes and frantically bending down and trying to clean everything up. It is just beyond repairable at this point. My SIL had run to grab one more thing before getting in line. So when she happened upon me and saw my frantic horrified face and then looked at the full situation, she swooped in to the rescue.
Finally it was my turn. I basically threw my debit card at her, grabbed a diaper out of the package and took the wipes immediately after the checkout lady scanned them and dashed to the bathroom. The deed had been done though. I had officially been shit on at Wa.lmart. Something I never could have imagined would happen to me….it did. We walked out of the store, me still reasonably covered in shit – I tried to get as much off as I could, but Jack was pantsless, a luxury I couldn’t get away with. I walked at the speed of light to get out of there.
We got to the parking lot and to keep from crying I just started laughing and I finally said ‘Hey, at least it was at Wa.lmart. If I was at Tar.get I wouldn’t be able to show my face there for a long time….but you know that seems almost par for the course at Wal.mart’.
Pretty sure I just earned my first mother award.