Antsy Pantsy

How do you follow up a post about being shit on in public? I mean seriously. This one is just bound to be a let down for you. I apologize in advance.

So something interesting happened yesterday. I eavesdropped…..well that isn’t that interesting, I eavesdrop all the time….plus can it really be considered eavesdropping if your boss sits 10 feet away, with his office door open and he has a loud voice? I say no.

Mondays are big days for all the bosses. They have like 3 conference calls in a row that run from 8am – 2pm. All the big wigs across the country are on them. They talk about workload, contract status, blah blah blah, and other stuff. I am sure they fit some talk about baseball or golf, or some other sport like thing.

Anyway, boss was in the meeting as per usual, but apparently something interesting was said. I think we have some serious workload planned for the future (guilty gulp) and a few of the middle management dudes are wanting to hire some more entry-level peeps. In a convo with another mid-management person my boss said

‘I couldn’t believe that so-and-so said ‘well then which 3-Level person are you going to get rid of?’.

This makes no sense until you know that I am a 3-Level person. Now is the shock setting in? My ears immediately perked up as my boss continued:

‘I told them that the 3-Level people will leave on their own, we don’t need to get rid of them, that is just what they do, they are doing it already’.

Whaaa??? My brain was spinning. Is my current job in danger? Do I need to place more weight in the results of Thursday than I originally thought?….after Natalie-brain ran wild, I realized that my job is not at all in jeopardy. My boss effing loves me. In a project presentation he introduced me as his “right arm”. He can be trying and frustrating and a big baby who needs to handle some of his own shit, but he has also taught me so much. I am definitely more knowledgable, more assertive, and have had some crazy awesome opportunities as a result of him. So I owe him a lot…..but after the initial shock of his words….then I realized something. He will probably be really understanding if/when I submit my notice (please!!! let me be submitting notice sometime!!!).

He gets the idea that you have to move around to figure out what you like/love. He did it himself. Basically what I am getting at is, I am losing my fear: my fear of quitting, my fear of leaving something I know and a group of people I really like, for the unknown. The one thing that has been really amazing about this long process is that I have had a lot of time to get comfortable and to think. Each day I realize what a chance at a dream this new job could be. I want a chance to do what I think I want to do with my life…..say that sentence three times fast.

So as my month of waiting has shrunk down to two more days, I just can’t help but be excited and sick to my stomach all at the same time. I want it so bad I can taste it. It tastes a lot like strawberry ice cream in case you are wondering…..or maybe chocolate….hell any flavor of ice cream would be delicious. I know that I will be just fine if it doesn’t work out. I will find another direction to focus my effort, but this just feels like the one….please let it be the one.

But if it doesn’t work out, or if they are not ready to move forward, I have decided that I am going to be fine. I think I can still find things to learn here in the meantime. Just in the past few months, probably as a result of decided I am not that attached to this job, I have learned some important things. For one, I have found ways to bow out of projects that are draining and stressful…..this isn’t always possible, but for some reason lately the stars have aligned and I’ve been able to be like ‘yeah I am done working on this one’ and sneak quietly away. Thank god for that one. Also I have sort of charmed the pants off of (while leaving his pants in place) our L.A. office dude. He’s been sending me a bunch of work and it has been really awesome work. I am sort of in architect heaven….or at least pretty close to it. So…..needless to say. Things are okay here.

I really really REALLY still want this new opportunity, but if that isn’t to be, then I think things will be just fine for a while longer.