Not ALL of me is a hippie

Ze Dream Job Update: I called last night after work and spoke with a nice lady who said boss-guy wasn’t in the office that day. So “Hopeful Natalie” has decided that he hasn’t been able to get back to me because he had to immediately rush off to secure the new project we discussed and as soon as he gets back in, he will have an amazing offer to hand off to me. Thank you all for being here while I go through this purgatory of waiting it out. I KNOW it will be worth it in the long run, but damn waiting sure as hell sucks ass. And this feels like an extra big test of patience….I have patience, but THIS much patience is just borderline ridunkulous.

A much delayed visit from AF last week had me contemplating new things about myself. Isn’t it wonderful when you learn new things about yourself? It is like a constant adventure – this life business.

Now I don’t get the pleasure of using feminine products very often…my loss, I know. In fact, I teased myself a while back for buying two jumbo boxes of tampons when there was a good deal on them because they proceeded to sit in the linen closet for almost 6 months (yes I tease myself…it is fun, don’t judge). But, when the opportunity finally arose, let me tell you, those puppies were like the Cadillac of tampons.

In cycles past I have just done the economical/environmental thing and bought the generic cardboard applicator tampon. But this sale just couldn’t be resisted and these jumbo packs were the sleek, smooth plastic applicator kind…..let me tell you my vajay was in heaven.

All of a sudden we had a coup on our hands. The rest of me was like ‘wow this will take 84 million years to decompose in the landfill’ and the vajay was like ‘who fucking cares? burn the earth to the ground! we are never using anything except for these amazing tampons!!!!’.

She is an evil bitch that vajay. No seriously, she will probably kill us all. As I neared the end of my second AF visit I had finally come to the end of a jumbo pack…oh and since I was so busy making fun of myself I ended up giving the second box to my SIL….fucking shit was my vajay pissed when she realized we could have had two Cadillac jumbo packs!

Now you should know that I take all my tampons out of their box and stuff them into an awesome vintage tin jar….like the kind you used to put coffee, sugar, etc on your kitchen counter, I stuff ‘pons in them because it is pretty. Anyway, there was a mixture of hippie ‘pons and kill-the-planet ‘pons, and so I would alternate between them and let me tell ya, it was like the vajay was physically rejecting the hippie ‘pons.

During pit stops I noticed the hippie ‘pons were making an exit…in the southward direction. Bitch was literally refusing to work with the hippie ‘pons. Long story short….now I know for certain my vajay is not a hippie….and pretty sure she will not cooperate until I go and purchase another box of kill-the-planet tampons.


14 thoughts on “Not ALL of me is a hippie

  1. I have always suspected that your vagina would try to revold and move in a different direction than the rest of your body. If I know your Vagina (and I think I do), this is just the first of many of her attempts to seperate herself and shine like the classy bitch that she is. You go V!

  2. My postpartum vag is aslo a cantankerous bitch. I haven’t been able to use tampons at all since my period returned–just unbearably uncomfortable. I tried to go save-the-Earth, too, and I bought a Diva Cup, and it turns out that my vag is not only a grumpy skank, but also a diva, as the diva cup was a total painful effin’ failure, too. Such delicate women, these lady chutes.

  3. She just got spoiled. Stuff some hemp rags up there and remind her that there are worse things than a cardboard applicator. Hoping for good job news soon! What a hellish wait!

  4. Love it! I distinctly remember the day I discovered the Tampax Pearl with the fantabulous plastic app. My vag is a spoiled bitch. I indulge her though, because, after all, she is a vag…

  5. I have so much love for this post. I think it’s ok to spoil your vag and the environment when you only get 2 periods a year. Go for the gold.

  6. Pingback: To Spank or not to Spank | pajamasarecomfy

  7. I, too, recently discovered the wonders of the plastic applicator. I’ve never liked using tampons but after getting a free sample of Tampax Pearl my vag was like WHOA! Where have you been all my life?? Screw the Earth, save the vag!

  8. You should try menstrual cups! I love them. They’re environmentally-friendly, you can leave them in all day without worrying that you’ll get toxic shock, and you hardly feel them. Was the best $25 I ever spent, and no more buying pads or tampons!

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