Pshhhhhaahaha you dudes totally saw this post title and thought I was going to get into a heated debate about spanking your children. Didn’t you? Go on admit it!
Like I would get that serious after a post about my vag. No way dudes. By the way I am super tickled by the fact that all your vajays are just as big of earth-killing whores as mine. They are in good company it seems.
So here’s what we’re really about to talk about. Retention garments. As in the spa.nx. Do you guys have them? Am I missing out on something amazing here? I feel like the nerdy kid in gym class who doesn’t have the coolest new tennis shoes or something. Are s.panx the newest tennis shoes?
Here’s what’s up. So Monday we are taking family photos. Our first official family photos since tiny sandwich was born….yeah well don’t judge okay. I wanted to wait until I had enough positive feedback that Jack is in fact the most adorable kid ever and that it isn’t just all in my imagination. Once that tally hit 20,000 in case you were wondering where my margins were. Yes, 20,000 people have told me Jack is adorable…okay no. I just like to throw random numbers into my posts to confuse you and make you think I am official in some way. 7.3 people a day are confused by me….so you’re not alone.
Anyway, I have this new adorable dress and I love it. I think I want to wear it. The issue is, when I am not paying attention and standing/sitting up straight my pooch pokes out a bit making the fabric encounter an unflattering resistance, if you will. So if I really focus on the posture things are peachy…and one would think during a family photo shoot I would remember that I was needing to be paying attention to myself.
But in reality, Jack will be there…obviously. I am going to be focusing on Jack, making sure he doesn’t have boogies, trying to get him to smile and laugh, you know basically doing a whole song and dance circus to make it look like we are that family you see in ads. Probably the allergy ads where the mother is holding the child and twirling in the field of daisies or something.
I just know I will not be focusing on my pooch. That bitch is out to sabotage me I just know it. So then I was like ‘hey maybe we need some span.x’. They can do the job of keeping pooch in check and I can focus on Jack. Voila!
But I have no idea what span.x are like. I mean do they make things cling to them? In which case would I be encountering an even greater issue of my dress clinging to the span.x and making it obvious something wacko is going on? Should I just tackle this issue by wearing a good old-fashioned slip….a slip? what is that? ask your grandmother…and yes I have one…..okay two. Black and off-white.
Ugh the torment we go through as women, am I right? Sometimes don’t ya just wish we still wore girdles?….what do you mean no? Why are all you women’s righters walking away right now?
Anyway if you have any advice about the span.x let me hear it. If you have horror stories I am especially interested in
laughing at those. You are all awesome!