To Spank or not to Spank

Pshhhhhaahaha you dudes totally saw this post title and thought I was going to get into a heated debate about spanking your children. Didn’t you? Go on admit it!

Like I would get that serious after a post about my vag. No way dudes. By the way I am super tickled by the fact that all your vajays are just as big of earth-killing whores as mine. They are in good company it seems.

So here’s what we’re really about to talk about. Retention garments. As in the spa.nx. Do you guys have them? Am I missing out on something amazing here? I feel like the nerdy kid in gym class who doesn’t have the coolest new tennis shoes or something. Are s.panx the newest tennis shoes?

Here’s what’s up. So Monday we are taking family photos. Our first official family photos since tiny sandwich was born….yeah well don’t judge okay. I wanted to wait until I had enough positive feedback that Jack is in fact the most adorable kid ever and that it isn’t just all in my imagination. Once that tally hit 20,000 in case you were wondering where my margins were. Yes, 20,000 people have told me Jack is adorable…okay no. I just like to throw random numbers into my posts to confuse you and make you think I am official in some way. 7.3 people a day are confused by me….so you’re not alone.

Anyway, I have this new adorable dress and I love it. I think I want to wear it. The issue is, when I am not paying attention and standing/sitting up straight my pooch pokes out a bit making the fabric encounter an unflattering resistance, if you will. So if I really focus on the posture things are peachy…and one would think during a family photo shoot I would remember that I was needing to be paying attention to myself.

But in reality, Jack will be there…obviously. I am going to be focusing on Jack, making sure he doesn’t have boogies, trying to get him to smile and laugh, you know basically doing a whole song and dance circus to make it look like we are that family you see in ads. Probably the allergy ads where the mother is holding the child and twirling in the field of daisies or something.

I just know I will not be focusing on my pooch. That bitch is out to sabotage me I just know it. So then I was like ‘hey maybe we need some span.x’. They can do the job of keeping pooch in check and I can focus on Jack. Voila!

But I have no idea what span.x are like. I mean do they make things cling to them? In which case would I be encountering an even greater issue of my dress clinging to the span.x and making it obvious something wacko is going on? Should I just tackle this issue by wearing a good old-fashioned slip….a slip? what is that? ask your grandmother…and yes I have one…..okay two. Black and off-white.

Ugh the torment we go through as women, am I right? Sometimes don’t ya just wish we still wore girdles?….what do you mean no? Why are all you women’s righters walking away right now?

Anyway if you have any advice about the span.x let me hear it. If you have horror stories I am especially interested in laughing at those. You are all awesome!

9 thoughts on “To Spank or not to Spank

  1. Spank me! Span.x are my emergency back up of choice…definitely wore them to our high school reunion last year. They definitely smooth out my lumps, (I WISH my ass was that smooth) and make me less concerned about flashing people when wearing a dress. I will say that I bought the ones I have when they first came out and I was a little less of a woman, so I have the kind that just come to my waist and I wish they came a little higher because long term wear=readjustment OR pooch just displaced at a higher location. If they could displace the pooch to my boobs, that would be awesome! Anyways, I also have a faux brand from target with pantyhose attached and I do think the elastic quality is better in the real thing. Hope that helps (and not so secretly hope you end up with a horror story so we can read about it)

  2. Definitely spank. How else will they learn to behave?

    I’m talking about your lumps, of course. I have a Spanx product I bought for my wedding because my dress was a very clingy material (charmeuse, in case you happen to know a lot about fabric), and it was a good idea. I don’t think I’ve worn the garment since, but it’s not a bad thing to have in the very back of a drawer.

  3. I have a pair and although very uncomfortable, they do make me look awesome. I say definitely Spanx it up. You could wear the slip over the spanx if worried about cling. I don’t think they would… Mine are sort of a leotard/panty hose hybrid material and it’s never been an issue. Buy some, try them out with dress, and add slip if necessary as buffer.

    This might be the best advice I’ve given in a long time. God I’m amazing and smart.

    I want to see the dress!!!!

  4. I thought this post was going to get all Fifty Shades nasty and talk about how you like a good spank!

    The spanx rock. They’ll suffocate the shit out of the pooch but they’ll work so its worth it.

  5. I have them…. Actually I have the Macy’s off-brand, but it’s the same idea. There are several different shapes/styles/colors to fit your outfit. Mine are biker-short-esque and they’re fabulous! They were particularly awesome when S was about 3 months old and my maternity clothes were hanging on me but I didn’t quite fit into my normal stuff yet. The only thing I will say is that in order to hide the pooch, the waist-line of the spanx is quite high, meaning that if you wear a shorter top, they’ll show if you raise your arms/sit down and your top rides up. Another thing is that depending on the style you buy and the clothes you wear it under, you might see the equivalent of panty lines (spanx lines?) so try on your spanx with your dress before making the purchase! Either way, they’re fabulous and I’m glad I have them (and I don’t find them too uncomfy!)….

  6. I don’t have specific advice to give since I don’t own spanx but I still rock my Bella Band from when I was pregnant. It doesn’t really hide the lump, unless the lump you are referring to is caused by the flaps of your jeans that you can’t button. My bella band does wonders for that!

    Good luck!

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