Just Jack

As a favor for all of my “help“, Oak took pics of Jack for me. She sort of glosses over the fact that she is amazing at taking pictures….or at least it feels like she glosses over it. Probably it has to do with the fact that she makes about a billion times more money at her job then she would as a photographer, who knows? (* a billion is just a rough estimate). Anyway she got some great ones. Enjoy and have a wonderful labor day.

In Which I am Hilarious Once More

This shall be the post in which I will be hilarious and recover from my fucking nightmare of a post yesterday. Alright well I can’t really promise this will be hilarious….mostly I will probably just talk about random shit, which is what I do best. I hate being a downer though. I don’t need it, you don’t need it. So upwards.

You know what the upside if being on your period before you go on a big trip for the weekend?….yeah me either….oh wait here’s one! If I run out of feminine products, I will have Jack’s diapers as a backup. Now I know you evil bitches are all going to be hoping that I run out and have to come back to tell you my “the time I altered a size 3 diaper into a feminine napkin” story. I would be thinking the same thing if I were you.

Anyone want to make fun of me? Okay I do to. Let’s go:

So I scheduled a massage a couple of weeks ago. And despite remembering this fact just 16 hours ago, apparently I forgot about it this morning when I had the genius idea that today would be a great “riding the bus” day. My appointment reminder went off. I stood up. Went to grab my purse and then the giant “whhaa whhaaa whaaaa” went off in my head.

How you going to get there genius? Wow being a chick is super awesome. It doesn’t matter how brilliant you are (not that I am claiming to be brilliant here) we still all seem to have those moments when we space shit out completely.

I blame it on the fact that we have about seven billion things going on at once. I mean seriously no one juggles tasks like chicks. We have so much going on. And if you are anything like me, I am also a huge planner. I like to have shit planned out waaaayyy in advance. Like if I could get a decent price on a plane ticket I would book shit two years in advance. The fact that some airlines don’t open their booking window more than like 9 months in advance drives me bonkers. How can I plan my trip in 2014 properly if I can’t see the flight schedule? Seriously I know my brain needs a break.

And since it doesn’t get a break…sometimes it just puts on the brakes instead and is like ‘you know what would be funny? let’s fuck with Natalie!’. Thus the bus riding.

Is anyone else witnessing an epic battle between your friends on FB over this political crap? Mine is sort of a unknown battle. It is actually just friends of mine who don’t know each other are posting contrasting opinions about everything going on. I am just sort of bored by politics in general. It seems to be an utter waste of my time to even look at the headlines these days. I am not shocked that politicians say and do stupid things. They are mostly men after all…and as previously discussed men can not multi-task. Anyway I am bored by politics and I am bored by people talking about it on FB. I guess mostly because I have gotten to the point in life where everyone I know is set in their ways.

Wouldn’t you say you already know where you stand on every issue there is to talk about? Would you say that someone’s FB post status could change your ideals? That is about where I am at. So maybe it is the fact that I am “surfing the crimson tide” or maybe I am just tired of people thinking they are actually making any headway, but part of me just wants to go crazy on FB.

I want to just take the opposite side on every political post and say something smart-assed…I think it would be pretty awesome…you know except that some of those people are my great-aunts and uncles and there is that whole “respect your elders” clause. I think if I ever do decide it is time to be done with the FB though then I will go out with a bang. Andy once signed on while he was drunk and posted some seriously hilarious shit. And I sort of love him more for it.

A friend from high school posted “I love my wife” and Andy commented “where does she keep your balls?” There is just something awesome about it. I need to get me some liquid courage going and release the hounds.

I hope you all have an excellent Labor Day. I am going to buy myself a pair of rain boots and splash my way through a fantastic time with my SIL and Jack. Apparently it will be quite rainy in Chi-town this weekend, but I am armed with an “indoor” activities list…plus soon I will have a ridiculously cute pair of boots and rain is just more fun with cute boots.

Systems Check

Let’s be honest here…today sucks. I was lucky enough to skype with my ladies this morning and they have this amazing ability to cheer me up and focus me on the bright sides of things, but….at the end of the day…this sucks.

AF showed up yesterday evening. I shit you not, about 4 hours before I was passing the pregnancy tests at the drug store and was seriously considering picking some up. I mean I was like 95% sure that this would be it. I had some serious signs exactly two weeks ago, enough so that I actually left work early to go rape my husband. Then about a week after that my chesticles were achy and I was like ‘yeeeeessssss’.

Why is this the first we are hearing of this Natalie? – you ask.

I am just so tired of this, ya know? So tired of my brain basically. The fear that the second I mention anything it will jinx it, or that I am making shit up, or whatever. I am just trying to keep this shit mostly underwraps…but it still sucks. Even when you don’t talk about it and try to pretend it isn’t happening it sucks. I am basically lying to myself in saying the whole we are not trying, we are just seeing what happens. I am trying… I mean my heart is 100% in this. I have an effing calendar on my kindle and I check that shit pretty often….so the only thing that makes this not “trying” is that I am not doing any outside intervention yet…so basically this sucks.

Alrighty enough of the downer..now for the diagnosis. Anovulation. Sure it is a self-diagnosis, but I think it is pretty safe to say, all systems were a go and the stars were aligned for everything to happen…minus that whole releasing of the egg thing. I won’t go into specifics, let’s just agree that if an egg had been present that sucker didn’t have a chance with all the swimmers in the water….unless it was a bad egg….I suppose there is that. But thinking I have bad eggs is too depressing, so let’s focus on a no egg scenario.

Anovulation. That is what I am going with because I am 99% certain that is what we were dealing with last go ’round. According to wikipedia…. it’s cool you can laugh at me, but that is where I started and then jumped off from there to reliable medical links. Basically I did some reading this morning as I sat quietly before Andy got home. I like to deal with things one thought at a time. If I start thinking about all the possible variables it is depressing, so the one that stuck out is the link of anovulation with being heavier. A Dr. Barbieri finds anovulation most common in women with a BMI of more than 27. That tells me, lower your BMI = resume ovulation.

Now I realize mostly I am clinging to this idea because I am already on the path. We all know I didn’t reach that one weight goal that will not be mentioned…except for just now. But as of now…some unmentionable number of months after that goal, I am down a 10er. Sure that took way longer than it probably needed to, but at the same time, um I still enjoyed my fucking life a LOT during that entire time. There was still ice cream and beer and this whole thing. So to me that equals success!!! WOoohooo!

Alright so, going with Dr. B’s theory, to get below a 27 BMI I have 7lbs to go. I should probably point out that I think the BMI index is stupid and don’t recommend everyone cling to it and think ‘if I am not a BMI of _ or less then I am fat’….(said the girl who is about to cling to the BMI index) Okay I realize that statement is hypocritical. But here’s what I mean by it. If you are able to do all the things you want to do with your life and you don’t ever feel like your body is holding you back then why beat yourself up about the numbers? That is basically where I stand and why I usually give a big middle finger to the BMI.

In my case, we’re just looking at this BMI thing as part of this anovulation theory….which I am sure you dudes got from the get go….just didn’t want you to think I was endorsing the whole idea behind the BMI ratings.

Anyway 7 lbs I can do….hopefully 7 lbs lost now means that in a year I will have a little 7 pounder in my arms to celebrate. This last cycle was 43 days…down from 57 (hey something is happening!!) So my “plan”….because I love making plans – is give myself another cycle to see if this weightloss thing will be the key. I am hoping that is it. Because if not, then back to the acupuncturist I go. So yay for a plan, but damn, I was really hoping I just worked right for once.

They are In

The family pics arrived in the mail last night. I know you were all waiting with baited breath until you saw how they turned out. So without further ado, some of my favs. Also this is what I look like with red hair.

Jack loves family pictures about as much as his dad. LOL. Look how much shorter I am than Andy….we are standing on a hill so he can look taller than me. Bahaaa.

I was the only one participating in this one. Bahhaaa

Well there ya go. A taster of the family pictures. I thought they turned out well….even the funny faced ones are kind of beautiful with the lighting and what not.

 

Windy

Andy’s family has this hilarious story of when his sister was little. Andy came home from school with a joke to tell everyone. Picture mom, dad, Andy and sister sitting around the dinner table one weekday evening.

Andy: What did the tree say to the wind?

SIL yells: BLOW MEEEEeeee

*the actual punchline was “Leaf me alone”.

People should be more careful when they think up jokes, because I have to hand it to her, it makes perfect sense and is Waaaaayyy more hilarious.

Friday SIL and I are headed to the Windy City. Which is what has me thinking of this family story. Chicagoland – it is like the promised land for architects….well maybe tied for first with NYC, but some of the greats have come out of Chicago. I can’t believe it is my first pilgrimage. I feel a little ashamed for not having been at least once in the previous 30 years.

I mean I have a fucking architecture nerdy ass tattoo….which has been ruined by stretch marks and no one will ever see…unless you happen to get me drunk and ask me to see it…then you will probably win. It is based off a stained glass window by Frank Lloyd Wright so the fact that I haven’t stepped foot in Oak Park is pretty much like yelling the F word out in church or something.

I have had multiple layovers at both Midway and O’Hare, but somehow I can’t bring myself to claim I have been to Chicago. Technically I have been in Chicago, physically, and I have seen it from the air, but really is that so different than just looking at a picture of Chicago? I think not. So I am going to the architectural holy land. I hope I am not disappointed, but I feel like that can’t possibly happen.

And I am pretty sure that since this trip is happening the weekend before my 30th birthday I can just claim I went to Chicago in my 20s….no one needs to know it was the very very veeerrry end….and I know you won’t tell them….my one secret friend on the interwebz.

All this to say: I am excited. SIL is excited. Apparently she needs a real vacation and hasn’t had one in four years, so we are going to tear this shit up! I will be certain to take a ridunkulous amount of pictures and then only post a few so you don’t die of boredom from looking at all the amazing buildings I took pictures of.

Also I might mention that we are meeting up with my First- Step-MIL….in otherwords my ex-SMIL. She was married to Andy’s dad when we were dating up through when we first got married. She is pretty kick-ass…and loud….and hilarious….and loves drinking. So it should be an awesome long weekend.

Eating Like Oak

I am officially on a detox from the delicious carefree eating after my long weekend in the Great White North. For those of you who read her (and if you don’t…um start duh) you might have figured out that I went to “help” Oak while her husband went golfing with a group of buddies. Jack and I to the rescue!!!! da da daaaaa.

She just had LPD (more on that in a minute) and although we all know she is a rockstar, I figured even rockstars sometimes need a break. Plus I wanted to see her duh. Basically it all worked out for me to come in that same time frame. I actually arrived a day and a half before her husband left so was able to actually meet and hang out with him. What a darling, let me tell you.

Don’t worry ladies I told Oak she could suck a dick. – or was it eat a dick…who can recall? – when she admitted ‘I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to him’. What a bitch right? No complaints really? Not even ‘he leaves toothpaste in the sink’ or ‘he makes weird noises when he comes’. Nothing like that.

But believe me dudes, it is a good thing she has the most awesome husband because LPD, or as I dubbed her Le Petite Diablo is quite a handful all on her own. Bridget (LPD) is just….well she is like a tiny dictator who decrees ‘if I am not happy, then no one shall be! and I certainly won’t be giving you any clues as to why I am not happy, you will just fucking know I am not happy’.

There were a couple of times I could see the frustration mounting in Oak’s eyes and I felt it a few times too. I mean, first of all LPD was obviously supposed to be like my little partner-in-crime. I was supposed to stroll onto the scene and she was supposed to be like ‘fuck! there you are Natalie, I kept asking for you, but apparently mom and dad can’t understand my words yet’. Then she was supposed to become like the most amazing and well-behaved baby there ever was. I was literally shocked when she screamed in my face too for no reason and seemed to be like ‘no one survives the wrath of LPD biiiotch!’.

Don’t get me wrong, LPD is sometimes a sweet smiley happy girl. The first 45 minutes of the morning she is just so content and observant, then it is like someone forced her to go work as a child laborer or something because she will be happy as can be and then BAM, she is not. And no, it has no correlation to whether she is hungry, poopy, being held 5 degrees off of how she wants to be held, she is just mad and she just wants to feel her feelings….I think Oak and E just wish she could feel her feelings more silently and I don’t blame them.

My midwife told me her second baby was just so uncontent to be a baby. It was like he just wanted to be up and moving around and was so frustrated to just be laying there. Maybe LPD wishes she could just stand up and go for a jog or something? I am not sure. She does flail her arms around a LOT and then gets mad when her hand gets caught in your hair or something, or when she unexpectedly loses control of her head and smashes it into yours. She definitely blames you when that happens. So my deduction is, she just wants better control of her own life. You’ll get there little lady, you’ll get there.

Two kid parenting though? Man what a crazy idea. It isn’t that LPD is mad all the time, it is more a matter of her knowing exactly when her mom has a moment to take a breath and rest from tackling/wrestling/feeding/changing/playing with Mac and is like ‘now is my window!!!!!’. I swear to you the second Oak would grab a beer and sit back and take a breath LPD would decide she is pissed off. Trying to get them asleep at the same time is literally like trying to find a unicorn or a 4 leaf clover. I didn’t see it happen.

Of course the brilliant idea of bringing a 3rd child into the mix maybe wasn’t as helpful as I had anticipated. It was Oak and me against 3. Granted Jack is kind of a laid back quiet dude, so it was really like he almost didn’t exist….except of course when Mac and LPD were sleeping and Jack was screaming….my kid apparently HATES to sleep. I thought I was just a wimp when we started the Cry it Out thing, but turns out my kid does just cry a lot longer than most other kids. I think that has to do with, after observing Mac, he doesn’t get quite as exhausted from running/tumbling/moving furniture/doing laps around the house as other kids might. I can see why Mac would just lay his sweet little head down and pass out. Oh the cherub curls! They are ridunk you guys!

Anyway, the point of this post was sort of to review the kids, but mostly it was to make you dudes even more jealous of skinny ass Oak. Okay, ready? The bitch can eat whatever she wants and obviously that works out for her because she is teeny tiny. Oh did I mention she just popped out a baby? Yeah and she is way thinner and hotter than me. Even whilst wearing a nursing top and yoga pants covered in grass clippings (long story).

So despite hearing her time and again tell me she was running out for a donut or baking a batch of cookies, I figured once I stumbled into her world that I would actually see that donuts and cookies are a rarity…..um apparently I am just fucked. Because we ate so many delicious things and I am leaning towards the reality that she actually gets to eat this way all the time. Mother effer right? I know, I am with you. We ate chocolate chip cookies (in dough form and cookie form, obviously), double chocolate chunk muffins breakfast cupcakes, cheesy poofs, pizza, hot sub sandwiches, burritos,….I mean, that chick is just weight maintenance blessed that is for sure. I came home and turned back to my 90 calorie snacks and said ‘I wish I had a fucking cookie right now’.

Eh whatever a buddy recommended an awesome new book and I am stoked to try out the theory for myself. But basically eating like Oak is fucking awesome and I recommend everyone do it for 4 days a year at least. I would say you should all go visit her and hang out, but she is fucking MINE so don’t even think about it……kidding….or am I?

Girlie As Shit

Ugh FINALLY!!! I feel like I have had this blogishower planned for the past FOREVER and I am so glad it is here!!! YAAAAAYYY!!!!! Today we are saying Happy Blogishower to BU and the arrival of her impending baby girl!

Now the difficult part….um coming up with something to say….errrrr…….errrr….hmmm…alright so for once the words aren’t exactly coming to me easily. Shocking I know.

First obviously we are all soooo happy that you are having a girl. With two boys of your own and a step-son, not to mention that your significant other is also a penis-wielder, it is about time you got another vagine in the house to try to even some of that testosterone out. Plus let us not forget the shopping potential that is now in your future….oh wait…you already started that didn’t you? Well a girl has to be prepared.

As you know, I was hanging out with Oak and when you put the two of us together, you just never know what you’re going to get…..so without further ado, our ode to your “Girlie as SHIT!” blogishower! Can’t wait to meet the little miss!

That’s right, we dressed our boys up Girlie as Shit just for you…..they were super excited….oh wait, there’s more!

We deliver, what can I say? Love you lady!