Eating Like Oak

I am officially on a detox from the delicious carefree eating after my long weekend in the Great White North. For those of you who read her (and if you don’t…um start duh) you might have figured out that I went to “help” Oak while her husband went golfing with a group of buddies. Jack and I to the rescue!!!! da da daaaaa.

She just had LPD (more on that in a minute) and although we all know she is a rockstar, I figured even rockstars sometimes need a break. Plus I wanted to see her duh. Basically it all worked out for me to come in that same time frame. I actually arrived a day and a half before her husband left so was able to actually meet and hang out with him. What a darling, let me tell you.

Don’t worry ladies I told Oak she could suck a dick. – or was it eat a dick…who can recall? – when she admitted ‘I really have nothing to complain about when it comes to him’. What a bitch right? No complaints really? Not even ‘he leaves toothpaste in the sink’ or ‘he makes weird noises when he comes’. Nothing like that.

But believe me dudes, it is a good thing she has the most awesome husband because LPD, or as I dubbed her Le Petite Diablo is quite a handful all on her own. Bridget (LPD) is just….well she is like a tiny dictator who decrees ‘if I am not happy, then no one shall be! and I certainly won’t be giving you any clues as to why I am not happy, you will just fucking know I am not happy’.

There were a couple of times I could see the frustration mounting in Oak’s eyes and I felt it a few times too. I mean, first of all LPD was obviously supposed to be like my little partner-in-crime. I was supposed to stroll onto the scene and she was supposed to be like ‘fuck! there you are Natalie, I kept asking for you, but apparently mom and dad can’t understand my words yet’. Then she was supposed to become like the most amazing and well-behaved baby there ever was. I was literally shocked when she screamed in my face too for no reason and seemed to be like ‘no one survives the wrath of LPD biiiotch!’.

Don’t get me wrong, LPD is sometimes a sweet smiley happy girl. The first 45 minutes of the morning she is just so content and observant, then it is like someone forced her to go work as a child laborer or something because she will be happy as can be and then BAM, she is not. And no, it has no correlation to whether she is hungry, poopy, being held 5 degrees off of how she wants to be held, she is just mad and she just wants to feel her feelings….I think Oak and E just wish she could feel her feelings more silently and I don’t blame them.

My midwife told me her second baby was just so uncontent to be a baby. It was like he just wanted to be up and moving around and was so frustrated to just be laying there. Maybe LPD wishes she could just stand up and go for a jog or something? I am not sure. She does flail her arms around a LOT and then gets mad when her hand gets caught in your hair or something, or when she unexpectedly loses control of her head and smashes it into yours. She definitely blames you when that happens. So my deduction is, she just wants better control of her own life. You’ll get there little lady, you’ll get there.

Two kid parenting though? Man what a crazy idea. It isn’t that LPD is mad all the time, it is more a matter of her knowing exactly when her mom has a moment to take a breath and rest from tackling/wrestling/feeding/changing/playing with Mac and is like ‘now is my window!!!!!’. I swear to you the second Oak would grab a beer and sit back and take a breath LPD would decide she is pissed off. Trying to get them asleep at the same time is literally like trying to find a unicorn or a 4 leaf clover. I didn’t see it happen.

Of course the brilliant idea of bringing a 3rd child into the mix maybe wasn’t as helpful as I had anticipated. It was Oak and me against 3. Granted Jack is kind of a laid back quiet dude, so it was really like he almost didn’t exist….except of course when Mac and LPD were sleeping and Jack was screaming….my kid apparently HATES to sleep. I thought I was just a wimp when we started the Cry it Out thing, but turns out my kid does just cry a lot longer than most other kids. I think that has to do with, after observing Mac, he doesn’t get quite as exhausted from running/tumbling/moving furniture/doing laps around the house as other kids might. I can see why Mac would just lay his sweet little head down and pass out. Oh the cherub curls! They are ridunk you guys!

Anyway, the point of this post was sort of to review the kids, but mostly it was to make you dudes even more jealous of skinny ass Oak. Okay, ready? The bitch can eat whatever she wants and obviously that works out for her because she is teeny tiny. Oh did I mention she just popped out a baby? Yeah and she is way thinner and hotter than me. Even whilst wearing a nursing top and yoga pants covered in grass clippings (long story).

So despite hearing her time and again tell me she was running out for a donut or baking a batch of cookies, I figured once I stumbled into her world that I would actually see that donuts and cookies are a rarity… apparently I am just fucked. Because we ate so many delicious things and I am leaning towards the reality that she actually gets to eat this way all the time. Mother effer right? I know, I am with you. We ate chocolate chip cookies (in dough form and cookie form, obviously), double chocolate chunk muffins breakfast cupcakes, cheesy poofs, pizza, hot sub sandwiches, burritos,….I mean, that chick is just weight maintenance blessed that is for sure. I came home and turned back to my 90 calorie snacks and said ‘I wish I had a fucking cookie right now’.

Eh whatever a buddy recommended an awesome new book and I am stoked to try out the theory for myself. But basically eating like Oak is fucking awesome and I recommend everyone do it for 4 days a year at least. I would say you should all go visit her and hang out, but she is fucking MINE so don’t even think about it……kidding….or am I?


9 thoughts on “Eating Like Oak

  1. I just love you. This post is hilarious. Poor Oak…oh wait, skinny? Ears whatever she wants.? Just had a babe? Heiffer. 🙂 so glad you got to visit! I am sure it was nothing if not comedic therapy!

  2. I had to read this out loud to The Boy because I am so wholeheartedly impressed with how funny this is and how incredibly spot on. I am currently eating McDonald’s while LPD yells. She’s not crying just exploring her very broad vocal range.

    Thanks again for coming up to visit us. Love you.

  3. What a trip! And what a great friend you are to go up and help while the hubby is away. Sounds like you both had your hands full the entire time, and Oak…I’m amazed that your blog ever gets any love from you after reading this – when do you find the time girl?? This post also made me think twice about never getting on birth control again. I might just be calling in a script over my lunch break today. I kid. 🙂

  4. LPD….hahaha…I love it.

    When I saw the pic of you holding her, I thought, CRAP, I never really got to just cuddle with her – but then remembered it was because she was nursing or being swaddled tighter than a drum by Oak the whole hour or so I was there. Crazy child. It’s a good thing she’s cute. 🙂

  5. I swear I count how many pretzel sticks I eat at lunchtime just to make sure I stay under a certain amount of calories. Well, not NOW, obviously, I eat whatever the fuck I want right now. But that is sure to change soon. I think we should all get together and hire nannies while we get drunk.

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