Systems Check

Let’s be honest here…today sucks. I was lucky enough to skype with my ladies this morning and they have this amazing ability to cheer me up and focus me on the bright sides of things, but….at the end of the day…this sucks.

AF showed up yesterday evening. I shit you not, about 4 hours before I was passing the pregnancy tests at the drug store and was seriously considering picking some up. I mean I was like 95% sure that this would be it. I had some serious signs exactly two weeks ago, enough so that I actually left work early to go rape my husband. Then about a week after that my chesticles were achy and I was like ‘yeeeeessssss’.

Why is this the first we are hearing of this Natalie? – you ask.

I am just so tired of this, ya know? So tired of my brain basically. The fear that the second I mention anything it will jinx it, or that I am making shit up, or whatever. I am just trying to keep this shit mostly underwraps…but it still sucks. Even when you don’t talk about it and try to pretend it isn’t happening it sucks. I am basically lying to myself in saying the whole we are not trying, we are just seeing what happens. I am trying… I mean my heart is 100% in this. I have an effing calendar on my kindle and I check that shit pretty often….so the only thing that makes this not “trying” is that I am not doing any outside intervention yet…so basically this sucks.

Alrighty enough of the downer..now for the diagnosis. Anovulation. Sure it is a self-diagnosis, but I think it is pretty safe to say, all systems were a go and the stars were aligned for everything to happen…minus that whole releasing of the egg thing. I won’t go into specifics, let’s just agree that if an egg had been present that sucker didn’t have a chance with all the swimmers in the water….unless it was a bad egg….I suppose there is that. But thinking I have bad eggs is too depressing, so let’s focus on a no egg scenario.

Anovulation. That is what I am going with because I am 99% certain that is what we were dealing with last go ’round. According to wikipedia…. it’s cool you can laugh at me, but that is where I started and then jumped off from there to reliable medical links. Basically I did some reading this morning as I sat quietly before Andy got home. I like to deal with things one thought at a time. If I start thinking about all the possible variables it is depressing, so the one that stuck out is the link of anovulation with being heavier. A Dr. Barbieri finds anovulation most common in women with a BMI of more than 27. That tells me, lower your BMI = resume ovulation.

Now I realize mostly I am clinging to this idea because I am already on the path. We all know I didn’t reach that one weight goal that will not be mentioned…except for just now. But as of now…some unmentionable number of months after that goal, I am down a 10er. Sure that took way longer than it probably needed to, but at the same time, um I still enjoyed my fucking life a LOT during that entire time. There was still ice cream and beer and this whole thing. So to me that equals success!!! WOoohooo!

Alright so, going with Dr. B’s theory, to get below a 27 BMI I have 7lbs to go. I should probably point out that I think the BMI index is stupid and don’t recommend everyone cling to it and think ‘if I am not a BMI of _ or less then I am fat’….(said the girl who is about to cling to the BMI index) Okay I realize that statement is hypocritical. But here’s what I mean by it. If you are able to do all the things you want to do with your life and you don’t ever feel like your body is holding you back then why beat yourself up about the numbers? That is basically where I stand and why I usually give a big middle finger to the BMI.

In my case, we’re just looking at this BMI thing as part of this anovulation theory….which I am sure you dudes got from the get go….just didn’t want you to think I was endorsing the whole idea behind the BMI ratings.

Anyway 7 lbs I can do….hopefully 7 lbs lost now means that in a year I will have a little 7 pounder in my arms to celebrate. This last cycle was 43 days…down from 57 (hey something is happening!!) So my “plan”….because I love making plans – is give myself another cycle to see if this weightloss thing will be the key. I am hoping that is it. Because if not, then back to the acupuncturist I go. So yay for a plan, but damn, I was really hoping I just worked right for once.

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14 thoughts on “Systems Check

  1. I had like a whole reply typed up about looking at the positives etc. And then I erased it to say this really sucks balls. I’m sorry you’re not pregnant. It’s not fair. But you can’t give up, even mentally. ❤

  2. Glad your girls were there for you this morning, sometimes just talking to people that have been there makes all the difference in your outlook. I totally hear not wanting to jinx anything by talking about it, but know that we are here for you if you ever want to just vent. You got this!

  3. Here’s the thing…..you KNOW your body can do its thing and get knocked up and carry a baby to term. So you just have to keep faith that things are going to happen, even if they unfortunately take longer than you’d like. With S I got preggo on the very first try. This time around, not so much. It’s frustrating….but it WILL happen!! Hang in there, and keep us posted!!

  4. Ooooh, I’m so sorry. So sorry it didn’t work this cycle, but I guess I’m glad there’s something you can work on. You can’t control conception, but at least you can try to drop them pounds. Hopefully while still having ice cream.

  5. Ok, first thing – if you had serious signs two weeks ago, that’s a good sign that this WAS an ovulatory cycle, and that is huge. Anovulation and irregular cycles suck, but if you’re at least ovulating and getting a CHANCE at that BFP, that is good. Remember, even if you DID ovulate and Andy’s swimmers were there at the right time and there were NO issues, you still only have a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant each cycle.

    I know charting can suck when you have super long cycles, but have you thought about using BBT again as a way to know if you are ovulating? Take your temp a few times in these first couple of weeks just to get an idea of where your pre-o baseline seems to be, and then start charting more often around CD20+ (assuming you’re still having super long cycles of 34+ days – you used to be 60+, right?). At least that way if you notice higher temps start occurring, you know you’ve ovulated.

    I think a 7# weight loss goal is great – and I love how you tied it into a 7#er in your arms in a year. 🙂 I agree that the BMI calculator doesn’t take into effect enough variables, but I do think it’s a good baseline to think about what a healthier range is for us, and if losing a few pounds means you can save hundreds of dollars on acupuncture and endless months of “not not trying” sadness, well hellz yes it will be worth it!

    • I started temping again during my second cycle and it was so all over the place that I was like eff it! The good news is CM seems to be a clear indicator for me, so let’s get these bitch ovaries going! 20% with all the stars aligned that is fucking terrible statistics! I am going to pretend that is not there. Hahaha.

      • It is horrible statistics – I just wanted you to remember that it’s not necessarily your body not working right if you don’t get a BFP right away, even if you’re having sex on the EWCM days. It’s just stupid statistics! Keep on jumping Andy on your EWCM days – this will happen again for you, and you’ll be welcomed with open arms into Katie and Kristy’s insane worlds! 🙂

  6. Oh friend. I hate this for you. I hate this for anyone. But I will say that a.) I have always been a fan of SLOW weight loss, so I think 10 pounds in the time frame it has taken you is fabulous! Especially since you were still enjoying life (which is way more important) and b.) 7 pounds is nothing. You’ve got this lady!

  7. I feel like a real a-hole for bitching all the time. We need to talk more about you and a whole hell of a lot less about me from now on. I’m sorry it wasn’t the one. My sensitivity barometer seems to have flown out the window with my mind. ((((hugs)))) love you buddy! 10 lbs is kick ass by the way!!!! I’ve never been able to lose 5 in my life without the boob pump.

    • Dude, you are silly. Our issues are totally unrelated. Don’t think of them as connected because I certainly don’t. I do plan to check in with you this week though and see how your are surviving all the kiddos 🙂

  8. Pingback: Accomplishing Amazing Things With Toilets Around the Country | pajamasarecomfy

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