Let’s be honest here…today sucks. I was lucky enough to skype with my ladies this morning and they have this amazing ability to cheer me up and focus me on the bright sides of things, but….at the end of the day…this sucks.
AF showed up yesterday evening. I shit you not, about 4 hours before I was passing the pregnancy tests at the drug store and was seriously considering picking some up. I mean I was like 95% sure that this would be it. I had some serious signs exactly two weeks ago, enough so that I actually left work early to go rape my husband. Then about a week after that my chesticles were achy and I was like ‘yeeeeessssss’.
Why is this the first we are hearing of this Natalie? – you ask.
I am just so tired of this, ya know? So tired of my brain basically. The fear that the second I mention anything it will jinx it, or that I am making shit up, or whatever. I am just trying to keep this shit mostly underwraps…but it still sucks. Even when you don’t talk about it and try to pretend it isn’t happening it sucks. I am basically lying to myself in saying the whole we are not trying, we are just seeing what happens. I am trying… I mean my heart is 100% in this. I have an effing calendar on my kindle and I check that shit pretty often….so the only thing that makes this not “trying” is that I am not doing any outside intervention yet…so basically this sucks.
Alrighty enough of the downer..now for the diagnosis. Anovulation. Sure it is a self-diagnosis, but I think it is pretty safe to say, all systems were a go and the stars were aligned for everything to happen…minus that whole releasing of the egg thing. I won’t go into specifics, let’s just agree that if an egg had been present that sucker didn’t have a chance with all the swimmers in the water….unless it was a bad egg….I suppose there is that. But thinking I have bad eggs is too depressing, so let’s focus on a no egg scenario.
Anovulation. That is what I am going with because I am 99% certain that is what we were dealing with last go ’round. According to wikipedia…. it’s cool you can laugh at me, but that is where I started and then jumped off from there to reliable medical links. Basically I did some reading this morning as I sat quietly before Andy got home. I like to deal with things one thought at a time. If I start thinking about all the possible variables it is depressing, so the one that stuck out is the link of anovulation with being heavier. A Dr. Barbieri finds anovulation most common in women with a BMI of more than 27. That tells me, lower your BMI = resume ovulation.
Now I realize mostly I am clinging to this idea because I am already on the path. We all know I didn’t reach that one weight goal that will not be mentioned…except for just now. But as of now…some unmentionable number of months after that goal, I am down a 10er. Sure that took way longer than it probably needed to, but at the same time, um I still enjoyed my fucking life a LOT during that entire time. There was still ice cream and beer and this whole thing. So to me that equals success!!! WOoohooo!
Alright so, going with Dr. B’s theory, to get below a 27 BMI I have 7lbs to go. I should probably point out that I think the BMI index is stupid and don’t recommend everyone cling to it and think ‘if I am not a BMI of _ or less then I am fat’….(said the girl who is about to cling to the BMI index) Okay I realize that statement is hypocritical. But here’s what I mean by it. If you are able to do all the things you want to do with your life and you don’t ever feel like your body is holding you back then why beat yourself up about the numbers? That is basically where I stand and why I usually give a big middle finger to the BMI.
In my case, we’re just looking at this BMI thing as part of this anovulation theory….which I am sure you dudes got from the get go….just didn’t want you to think I was endorsing the whole idea behind the BMI ratings.
Anyway 7 lbs I can do….hopefully 7 lbs lost now means that in a year I will have a little 7 pounder in my arms to celebrate. This last cycle was 43 days…down from 57 (hey something is happening!!) So my “plan”….because I love making plans – is give myself another cycle to see if this weightloss thing will be the key. I am hoping that is it. Because if not, then back to the acupuncturist I go. So yay for a plan, but damn, I was really hoping I just worked right for once.