Accomplishing Amazing Things With Toilets Around the Country

I have decided to create a post “category” exclusively for poo. It seems like I talk about it enough…come to think of it, I should probably create one for vajayjay too (making a note for that).

*apparently when you categorize old posts they “republish them”. Thanks Steph for letting me know this. And so sorry to everyone who has like 80 billion posts from me monopolizing their reader….I am embarrassed…but not as embarrassed as what is about to come.

I have yet to download the bazillion photos of my architectural pilgrimage to Chicago. Sorry I am a slacker. I am just teaching you all the important lesson of patience….not really I am just lazy.

But I will give you a little snippet of a story from the weekend. It will go without saying that we walked a TON. All over the place. We stayed near the “corn cob” buildings (which to hear them described as such, as an architect, made my skin crawl, but whatever) just a couple blocks from the river. Geographically we covered roughly from the Hancock building region all the way over to the aquarium and Soldier Field….so basically that translates to almost the entirety of downtown Chicago.

I obviously need to start this off by telling you that I ate absolutely NOTHING out of the ordinary. NOTHING. Just regular old yogurt and banana and chai…normal lunch…salad for dinner..etc. Well I guess I should say that I am eliminating wheat as part of this whole weight thing.  It was nearly impossible to go to Chicago and not eat at least a smidge of wheat and by a smidge I of course mean two pieces of stuffed pizza…..oops. But that was the day after the incident we are discussing right now. So this day, Saturday, I was pretty successful at the whole no limited wheat thing…..so maybe the wheat, or lack there of is to blame for this incident.

I wore my red all-stars around on Saturday, which aren’t really “walking” shoes, but damn are they cute. Anyway as we were making our way back from dinner I was starting to feel really achy. Just in my hips and lower back. I actually turned to my SIL and said ‘dang I think I need an advil, I am feeling really sore’. I seriously just thought this was all related to walking around and me needing a massage or something.

Upon returning to the hotel, Jack needed a diaper change. As I was wrestling him (it should be noted this is not as difficult as wrestling Mac-Attack into the stroller) to the bed in order to change him, I was suddenly painfully aware that this “back pain” might be something more…..I needed the bathroom and I needed it NOW.

I was able to squeeze my cheeks long enough to finish the diapering and get into the bathroom…..but I was not prepared for what happened next. I was recently reminded that the intestine is something like two miles long….let’s just say that about a mile of the contents of mine made an appearance. And it was…..it was weird in there. I stood up and thought ‘well that was scary’. Usually commercial toilets are my thang…as in they can handle the things that sometimes occur…..apparently this toilet was not ready for me.

After one attempted flush and a quick pondering of what to do next. I decided it was time to admit defeat immediately. These people will never see me again – meaning the hotel people. So I walked out of the room. Announced that I had in fact created a terrible terrible mess of destruction and dialed the front desk.

Me: I need a plunger (hysterical giggles from the three women behind me)

Front Desk: We will let maintenance know

What should be noted about this situation is that about 15 seconds before I came out of the bathroom my SIL called down to request more towels. Plungers trump towels by a good 3 minutes. The maintenance guy was up in a flash, with what we will now call “the bucket of shame”. I womaned up and answered the door. Looking at the floor and profusely apologizing to the man. No one and I mean no one! should have to do that job.

If I hadn’t then burrowed myself into the back corner of the hotel room out of sight, I probably would have thought about giving him a big tip….but I was too embarrassed to ever see him again.

He graciously came out of the bathroom and yelled ‘you’re all set!’ without coming into the room to see us or anything. Good man that one.

……I just…..I….there are really no words to describe how ridiculous it is to have this….waste system? I think everyone tried to make me feel better the next day when we admitted defeat on a lost pacifier. All three ladies uttered the words at some point ‘Jack probably put it in the toilet and that is what clogged it’. Thanks ladies….I suppose it is a possibility considering the fact that the paci literally evaporated. I mean I removed dresser drawers looking for that thing. But seriously? It is hard to believe with my “past” that this wasn’t straight up my ass.

And there ya go. I did accomplish an embarrassing story in Chicago for you! You’re welcome. I am nothing if not a people pleaser.

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8 thoughts on “Accomplishing Amazing Things With Toilets Around the Country

  1. I totally would have blamed Jack for the toilet….or my husband….or the maid from the morning cleaning crew (a la: ummmm….I just returned to my room and I don’t know who was in here, but THEY fouled my bathroom!)….

  2. Dude, as a person with Celiac and many, MANY digestive problems I feel your pain. I almost wrote this exact same thing a couple of weeks ago. I think you’ve inspired me to do so. May I link to your post in mine? Don’t you want all (and when I say all I mean 4 people) my readers to get to know you from this one experience? It will be awesome.

    I was going to tell you the story here, and I even started to but it was turning into a novel so I’ll spare you and just make you read it on your reader. You’re welcome.

  3. First off, WP is pissing me off for the exact same reason. I started adding some tags to old posts and it was republishing everything, and I don’t know how to make it stop!!

    Also, toilet issues when you’re not at home are the worst. I mean, THE WORST. I cannot imagine having that man’s job. Ugh.

  4. My story doesn’t involve a toilet…it’s rather the LACK of a toilet that was mortifying. It only happened yesterday 😦 I had gone with a group of friends from church to a conference out of town. On the trip home my intestines rebelled with a vengeance. Just picture a big van pulled over on the side of the highway in the middle of the desert and some crazy chick running down the hill with a kleenex box. So mortifying.

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