My “Don’t Ask” Policy

I have learned a few things the hard way. See I am a good listener. I will actually make you believe that I care about you and what is going on with you because, guess what?, I do! I know it is whacky-town! I am waaaayyy too nice for my own good. You’re an ASSHAT!…whew, just trying that out…nope it doesn’t really fit. I apologize.

Let’s talk about the hard way…because without it I wouldn’t have a “Don’t Ask” policy to tell you all about.

Our landlord in NY was actually my friend’s dad. It was one of those fate things that everything worked the way it did. I applied for grad school in a state and town I had never been to, meanwhile living 1,000 miles away in San Diego. I get accepted and then realize ‘holy fuck! now what do I do?’. Then my friend is like ‘oh yeah by the way I am from there and my dad rents out the house I grew up in, you need a place to rent?’…WTF? Yeah I don’t know either. It just happened and I was like ‘fuck yeah the universe is looking out for me!!!’.

Anyway maybe it was because he was my friend’s dad, or maybe it was just because that is who he is, but he was a WAAAaaaayyyy over-sharer type. You know the kind. Like you know about ailments his stepdaughter’s cat is experiencing. That sort of thing. He was a great landlord though. Very laid back and friendly. Helped us out when things needed fixing and what not.

One such day he came over and I made the mistake of asking how things were going. He proceeded to tell me that he had just had a colonoscopy….it didn’t end there…I got to hear all about it…..ALL ABOUT IT!!!! I don’t even think my dad would tell me all about his colonoscopy….his wife would probably tell me all about it, but he wouldn’t. Anyway I was horrified. I had no idea what to do…and because I am an idiot and didn’t want him to feel awkward I continued to act interested and ask questions about the things he said and what not. OHHHH GOOODDDDD what a disaster.

I would say that people along the way had taught me small lessons that helped formulate my “don’t ask” policy, but that one was the pinnacle. From that point on I started getting better and deciphering when it was time to get out of a conversation. Preferably before the word colonoscopy is mentioned.

Oh I should point out that I heard about his colonoscopy on two other occasions after that….alright so it took me a while to learn that lesson. It isn’t my fault!

Last Friday was my morning to bring breakfast to work. We rotate every week yada yada yada. Anyway I decided to try out a new recipe. It was a spicy breakfast casserole of sorts, with chorizo and hot sauce. Basically it was amazing and I had been hearing from everyone how much they liked it, etc. When I went into the break room to pack everything up, one of my guy co-workers was in there. This guy and my old landlord could have been long-lost twins. Anyway he’s filling up his water and this conversation occurs:

Me: how’s your day going Guy

Guy: Oh pretty good…your breakfast looked really good. I couldn’t have any today, but I took a couple of squares of it and am saving it for tomorrow (expectant look)

Me: *ALARM****ALARM**** (this sounds like it is leaning towards a conversation that has to do with his ass or something I don’t want to hear about. Packing up quickly I say): well I hope you like it, have a great weekend byyyyeeeeee (running out of the room).

And that is how I am now a big grown up person with a “Don’t Ask” Policy of my own.

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