The End = The Beginning

It is becoming more and more of a reality that I actually have to quit this job in order to go to the new one…..like quit!…..

Quitting in general doesn’t seem that bad….at least if I don’t have to tell anyone about it. Perhaps I can just stop coming to work? Pull an “Office Space” type situation.

So you’re going to quit?

No, I am just not going to go anymore.

Maybe I could stage my own death and pretend I was killed in some terrible architectural drawing accident?

The plotter….*sniffle*….she didn’t see it coming!

Or maybe the best plan yet – witness protection. Just disappear and start over….although you think you can do that in the same City?….something tells me they wouldn’t go for that.

I guess that only leaves one option really – I am going to have to actually resign. Damn it! We need to come up with a better way people…..get to work!

Perhaps I haven’t mentioned this, but the only job I ever quit for a bigger and better job was when I was 17. I left a fast food joint to work at the grocery store. It was for a whole $1.50/hr raise….that was some serious money. Every other job I left was for other reasons: moving to California, boss took a leave of absense, moving to New York, moving back to Colorado.

Each time I had to give my notice/leave, everyone knew it was coming (sort of hard to hide an impending graduation)…. it was sad, but it was also kind of expected.

This is going to be so much harder…..I literally cried 3 times on the way to work last Friday at just the thought of having to face my boss….and I wasn’t even planning on telling him for 2 more weeks!….What a sap.

The truth is – the people here are wonderful. I love them. They have become part of my family….my hippie village, if you will. So even with promises of ‘let’s not lose touch’, I know it isn’t going to be the same. We will lose touch…..it’s inevitable. So it also feels like a great loss to leave this job. A wonderful and amazing adventure awaits, but it does involve carving out a little piece of myself and leaving it behind.

Man I need to work on not getting so attached to people! Seriously

Any suggestions on resignation tips…should I bring a cake or something? Maybe hire a singing telegram?…..LOL. Also what is your preferred duration? I have a mind to tell my boss next Friday (4 weeks notice)….although I am pretty sure it will take me another week to get the balls to do it. So maybe 3 weeks notice?…..what to do? what to do?

I am so ready for the beginning…..but so not ready for this end.

The Math

Math has sort of become the basis of my rationale. I love to crunch numbers. Write budgets/run vacation scenarios/etc. Numbers are solid, they are predictable….they are dependable.

What can’t be quantified is matters of the hearts…..as much as I have tried I can’t quantify the value of a feeling, or a dream…..Can you? We all have dreams.

We all sit around and think ‘if I could do anything I would ____’

Now say that dream sat before you, but it couldn’t come for free. What quantity of money would you give up to pursue your dreams?

It is easy when you are just thinking about it to say something huge…it’s my dream, I would do it for free if necessary. That’s all well and good to say…..now factor in you have a family, a house, hefty student loans…it gets harder right? That number isn’t quite as big as when you first thought of it, huh?

Obviously life isn’t cut and dry. It would just be too easy to walk into a dream store, look at the price tag of your dream and see a $20 bill taped to it with a note that says ‘this dream pays you!’…..I wish that was how it worked….I was honestly hoping that is how things would materialize, even though deep down I knew it couldn’t possibly be that easy.

As I am thinking about it now, it actually makes perfect sense. This is the ultimate test. Can I give up some safety and security…basically scare the shit out of myself – to pursue my dreams?….are my dreams worth the risk.

As you probably guessed Ze Dream Job showed back up….they said ‘we’re ready! are you?’. I thought it was just going to all fall into place. I mean technically we had had the salary/benefits conversation already…..I wasn’t expecting any hick-ups along the way….then came the hick-ups…and more than one:

  • slight reduction in salary….which is almost negated by the improvement in commute time.
  • Loss of vacation/personal leave….we could almost call this a wash. Lost about a week and a half of time off, but gain about 300 hours lost each year to that stinking commute….this one is almost a win.
  • zero maternity leave benefits…..yeah this one hurt, it really hurt. I found myself thinking ‘could I give up getting pregnant for a year to figure this one out?’. The answer to that is a resounding – no. The math revealed that this one was a significant loss, but not an insurmountable one. There is nothing like no maternity benefits to make you realize that even a teeny one was better than nothing. But I will never choose to not have a child based on money….mostly because apparently having a child is fucking difficult. So, I have decided we can start scraping savings together, granted with less salary this will be more difficult, but hey – dreams and shit.
  • and now for the kicker…..the straw that practically broke the camels back – so ze dream firm pays for the employees medical coverage. When it first presented itself I thought well then the cost of paying for adding a family to the coverage couldn’t be THAT much more than we currently pay….um yes….yes it can. Specifically 300% more…..300% you read that right. The difference between paying about $300/month to paying $1K. That is the actual number. That is the number that had me nauseous and sweating….that is the number that made me realize I might actually lose this dream.

Every other number cost could be rationalized away…but $8,000 a year on top of the loss of a little bit of salary…and I mean, I know our life is comfortable, but it isn’t comfortable enough to kiss goodbye to THAT big a chunk of money.

I was ready to step away….and then….and then Andy reminded me of the best part of my life – him. To tell you what an amazing husband I have is just impossible. He has flaws…he has some serious flaws dudes, but he is also the person just for me.

How there is a person out there who can look at a tangible number, realize what it really means financially and then say “you have to take it”…..I mean how could that person exist? But he does.

He reminded me of the value of my dreams….of my happiness. He reminded me that we moved accross the country to pursue that dream, we put our marriage on the brink of disaster for that dream, and if we couldn’t figure out how to get through a measely $10ish thousand dollars on top of that, to finally achieve what I had always wanted….then how could life ever be worth it? He told me he knew a LOT of people who were miserable but had a lot of money….and he asked me if I wanted to be like them…..and the answer is a resounding no.

Yes I have a good job….yes I cry at the thought of the people I work with who have helped me grown and taught me amazing gifts….yes I could manage what I currently have….I could go on recognizing them as opportunities and find happiness…..but passing up the dream?

Now don’t get me wrong – I am scared shitless!….I cried no less than 3 times on my drive to work this morning. Mostly at the thought of quitting (which is hilarious because I won’t be putting in my notice for another two weeks) but also for the unknown…for the risk. The risk of security and safety and predictability for my family.

But I also looked at Jack last night as we sat together in the living room. I pet his downy hair and thought ‘what will you tell him someday when he has a similar dilemma?’. And of course I would tell him that money can’t replace your dreams. You have to follow them. Put faith in yourself, your ability, and your desire….and then let go of the stuff you want to control, but can’t. As I thought of what I would tell him, I realized my parents would tell me the same. How is it okay to want something like this for your child, but not be able to give that same gift to yourself? It isn’t….at some point you have to give yourself that same permission to dream.

Now to tone down the drama, we’re not talking about me leaving a career with medical benefits to do something like work at a minimum wage job somewhere. I am giving up a little bit of comfort, but I am not going to cause us to be homeless or something…..and really after I made my decision – I sort of laughed at myself for making such a huge deal out of it…..I mean it is a big deal, but it also isn’t.

At 1 am I wrote an e-mail to ze dream firm. I told them how sick I felt at the thought of giving up this position due to insurance coverage. Ever the activist (and also a HUGE thanks to my ladies), I found some other options that would be manageable on the insurance front…..they still make me nervous, but it will be okay….which gives me the creation of a new bumper sticker:

Dreams: if you’re not scared shitless, you’re not doing it right

I told them that I had to trust that this would be worth it. That I couldn’t pass this up. That I wanted to take it.

At 5:30a I received a response. A very amazing response that told me I couldn’t have made a better decision with where to put my trust. That this firm would try its darndest to take me where I wanted to go, they realized the sacrafice this would mean, and that it spoke volumes of who I was and what I would bring to their firm……

And so it begins…..on February 4th, in the most ridiculously rational way you could imagine considering how risky I made this all out to be….I am leaving the nest…..And I just have to hold my shit together for 9 more hours. Until my current boss goes on Christmas vacation and I can avoid spilling the beans for another week and a half….which when you are fighting tears at the thought of leaving is really hard to do. The only deduction I can make is that I am incredibly blessed in so many ways: amazing family, the best partner I could ever ask for, outstanding friends, a current employer who has become a real family to me, and a future full of excitement and possibilities.

Suddenly the math doesn’t matter.

I am Here

In yoga the other night the instructor reminded us that this is the time of year that everyone is looking to the future: _ days until Christmas, _ days until the new year, _ days until _…..she reminded us that there was still an entire half a month of this year left to live and that we should all be sure to be in the moment, enjoy this….enjoy and appreciate the now.

I like yoga instructors…they can be all inspirational and use that calm soothing voice, often times it coincides with one of those poses where you just want to die and if her jugular was close enough to your mouth, you might try to rip it out to prevent that soothing voice from mocking you….but this statement didn’t occur at one of those moments.

It happened at just the right moment. Just the right moment for me to be like ‘absolutely’. When you are in the throws of waiting for (fill in the blank), you almost never stop and realize you are wasting the here and now by only living in a state of anticipation.

So I am taking a step back. I am in the here and now – from now until….well hopefully until forever, but yeah, I am going to try to sustain it at least for another month and a half.

I have an amazing little monster who loves to give me a run for my money. Yesterday in a miniature booth at a breakfast place, I found myself getting hot with anxiety as I tried to contain his “energy”….but I quickly realized it was time to say “fuck it!”. I don’t need elbow room and I can get egg yolk on my shirt and who the hell cares anyway? This is my life. I am so insanely fortunate for it.

Also J.R. finally showed up for class. So here I am, starting fresh, enjoying every second I can of the last drops of 2012 and feeling extra grateful for all that I am, all that I have, and all the love in my life.

Learning part deux

We had a fantabulous weekend. I cuddled with my boys and was reminded of all the things that are truly important in life.

To offer a little clarity, last week’s post was regarding work and a tough situation with a client….one of my favorite client’s. Basically I was in the throws of having a rough go of things, but suddenly a light bulb went off in my head – this is happening for a reason…..this might make things a little bit easier for you to make a decision….you need to embrace what is happening right now….eyes and ears open, mouth shut.

So that is kind of the ambiguous gyst of things. The future seems so simple and clear, yet so insurmountable at the same time…..it is really strange to have to face those two drastic differences. But I am going to figure it out! I am constantly surprising myself, so I am sure this case is no different.

For example, yesterday I was at the hardware store contemplating whether to buy the 5′ section of PVC pipe, which I knew would fit in my car, or the 10′ section which was 1/2 the cost, but I was not sure would fit……and the results? I fit that shit in my car! Yeah dudes. Now 2x4s are a different beast. I can only fit 8′ long 2x4s in my car, but PVC is all flexible and that shit fits! Woohoo…..alright so that is just an example of a small accomplishment, but life is just kind of a series of small accomplishments.

It is when you combine all those small ones together that you realize how amazing your life has been – how wonderous and unique. I mean think about it – someone could have been doing the exact same thing I was doing yesterday. Someone else doing a project out of PVC could have been standing at their hardware store trying to visualize how it will fit into their cars. Same small task, yet drastically different overall picture.

That is sort of what makes the world so amazing to me. We are all similar, yet so very different. Man you would think I had a philosophy degree or something…..I am a rambling fool.

One last thing that sticks out at me – you know how everyone tells you that life maintains a certain balance. When things are going really well in one arena, they seem to suffer elsewhere? Probably everyone and their mom has heard that one. Well last week was totally the case. Things were sucking major ass with this project, then I returned home bracing myself for what might be ahead. But I was completely surprised to be greeted with an amazing relationship dynamic this weekend and an extra snuggly baby toddler.

I mean this isn’t always how things work. Sometimes shit hits the fan on all fronts and you are like ‘WTF Universe?’. But sometimes it is perfectly balanced, just as those people told you.

Learning

Life is a real lesson. I know every day I am being reminded of this fact, but today….well the last 36 hours more specifically,  have been a real reminder of just how much of a lesson it can be.

How to conduct yourself, how to deal with difficult situations, etc. etc. This is something I am learning constantly.

Some events tell you it is time to cut the tethers and fly away….and others tell you that this might be a real challenge, but you have to work through it. I am not certain which lesson I am in the midst of learning right now….I am not sure if I should stick this one out, or if it is the universe saying – here’s your permission that this journey is coming to an end and you need to start something new – but I am all ears right now.

It is funny how every time I start worrying about a potential conflict I could encounter – like letting someone I care about down – something happens that reminds me that maybe it is okay to put yourself and your dreams first.

I know this is incredibly ambiguous….I wish I had more specifics to give, but I do think that everything happens for a reason….of course no one tells us what that reason is. Bottom line is life is moving forward. I can’t wait to figure out where we’re going!

If Aunt Flo Were Real

I have been thinking about this phenomenon of naming our menstrual cycles Aunt Flo. What if Aunt Flo were a real person? First off, bitch would have to seriously watch out because I know at least a handful of you who would be ready to stab her..namely me.

The term “Aunt Flo” must have been like a cutesy endearing term that someone decided back in the Sock Hop days, so you could code talk with the other Pink Ladies about your monthly biznaz.

I think I should rename mine “J.R.”. J.R. are the initials of this dude in my undergraduate program. He RARELY came to class (see the resemblance there) when he did he was totally unprepared to discuss the relevant topic of the day (like my lady biznaz is all ‘what? oh sorry…you were waiting for me to say something?’), instead he would use the power of distraction to try to get the professor to soften their “stab you in the face if I wasn’t your professor” look:

Professor: Hey J.R. what did you think about the reading from last night?

J.R.: hmmm….well I liked it, after I read it I went to Taco Bell, have you seen this new burrito they have there? OMG it is off the hook!

Professor: (I am going to stab you in the face!) hmmm…..alright someone else?

Pretty on par with my lady bits.

So where are we? Um no where. Ahhhhh well whatcha gonna do?

I do think it is pretty hilarious that prior to getting pregnant last time I was on the cycle from hell (aka the 200 day cycle), then started acupuncture and herbs and got them down to 57 day cycles. This time I was having 43 day cycles and then started acupuncture to then have a….well I suppose I don’t know what the result of this will be.

I have another appointment on Tuesday, so I think I will ask her what my options are for ramping this business up. She thought we were in a much better place this time, so we are on a two week rotation instead of once a week. I am thinking it is time for a once a week sort of arrangement again.

I have decided that I need to temp again…but there is no use in starting that right now. So I will pick that up when/if AF shows up.

As for the last post….sorry about that. It is just a huge frustration to be working as hard as I am and see no progress. But I admittedly need to monitor my food intake. So that’s what I am doing. YAY for my fitness pal!…..actually she can suck it too…her and Aunt Flo.

Counting calories is totally dumb. I just want to eat some yummy foods and drink delicious beverages and be a skinny bitch like my friends…whores! HAHAH. But I guess we all can’t be that girl right? Some of us have to be the chubby ones. Alright alright…the middle ones.

The suckiest part of counting calories is you have to make the decision of whether you want to eat food or if you want to get drunk. There is no “both” in this scenario…. and if it were enough calories to get so drunk that I could forget I was hungry that would be one thing. But I know if I choose drinking over dinner I will start getting tipsy and then be like ‘you know what’s a great idea?….let’s eat a gallon of ice cream and some french fries!!!’. So I guess that means I have to choose food over booze…..what a sad week this has been. Bahhaaaa

Guess What? I’m Still Fat

GRRRRrrrr…..there are so many things that are frustrating me today….lack of a period for one, but also I found out on Saturday that I am still as fat as I was a year ago…AWESOME!

Let’s recap shall we?

  • I gave up wheat, rice, potatoes, beans, and pretty much everything else that I really love to eat..oh lest us not forget beer?.. I have had zero beer in 3 months!…although cider is a good substitute, so I guess that negates that complaint.
  • I did bootcamps with a group of body builders, where I almost died
  • I did hot yoga where I was convinced I lost 3lbs a class
  • I trained for 3 months for a 4 mile run, running 3-4 times a week

That whole time I stayed away from the scale. “It isn’t important” I told myself. “All that really matters is how you feel and how your clothes fit”. Now I know what everyone and their mom will say ‘you just gained muscle!’…..yeah but….but that muscle should have eaten off some of this belly fat by now….right I mean after a year of pretty good levels of activity.

And sure, I can say that I feel amazing, health-wise. I can honestly say, this is probably the heathiest I have ever been…..but the weight….and more importantly the size…..it isn’t so much the weight number. If I weighed 200lbs and fit into a size 8 pant I would be like ‘fuck it!’….but that is dramatically not the case. My mid-section is just frozen in space and time. It just doesn’t want to go anywhere……

Alright so I hate to write an entire post about bad stuff. So let’s focus on some good. Basically the regions from my mid-thigh, down to my feet and from mid-bicep to my hands – is in great shape. Also from my neck up is not too bad. HAHAHA. Stupid 80%/middle section of my body.

Okay okay okay…so I probably should take a closer look at my food. I have been eating really healthy, but how much am I eating? I dunno….also I have totally lost interest in the wheat elimination thing, so maybe I should give that a go again….oh and sugar….I am almost positive that if I did a true sugar cleanse, some dramatic changes would occur.

Alright body…fine….I guess I will keep trying. But I am telling y’all. If I still weigh this amount in 6 months then I am seriously just going to give up. Being 30 is dumb…..stupid fat middle-age-dom