My boss finally came back to work….and I worked up the courage to tell him. It actually wasn’t so much courage. I basically almost blacked out as I walked into his office and shut the door. I think I was on auto-pilot at that point. He started saying ‘oh no…noo….I don’t want to hear this…what?…what are you about to tell me?’…..basically it was bad. It was terrible….
I told my friends I might develop PTSD from the experience. He said things like ‘could I have done something different?’, ‘did I do something wrong?’…oh god….just thinking about it makes me shiver with sadness.
I realized after it was over (which is hilarious to say because it is nowhere near over yet) that I basically just broke up with my boss. I had the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. The ‘you are great…but I need to do this for me’. Ugh it just sucks. I was sitting in his office and about 2 second away from saying ‘you know what? forget it, I will just do both! I can do both jobs, who needs sleep? or time with their family? not me!’
Fortunately I didn’t do that. Yesterday I felt like a bag of ass. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to rescind my resignation and just call this whole dream business off. Today has gotten better. I think probably it has to do with my boss having talked to his wife. I love her too and I can just imagine her telling him that this is something he should want for me…..I know that is what I would do if Andy ever came home from a similar day.
I feel terrible still – I think I broke my boss. He left early yesterday and again today. Sort of a desperate need to get away from me maybe….which sucks. But he also put on a good face for me today and started busting my balls. So that is a good sign. But we’ve also decided that he is going through the stages of grief. For example:
- you can’t leave – resignation denied! there! I can do that. (Anger/Denial)
- if I can’t have you no one can…I will just strangle you, that’s what I will do (is violence a stage?)
- well we will just buy that company (is this bargaining?)
- I am putting out an ad right now for someone to take that job out from under you (Denial again)
- you can’t divorce me! I am divorcing you!
- we are not talking
- hope you have fun crawling around in the lead paint chips and pigeon poop (is ridicule a stage?)
- do you have Birkenstocks? you will need some (ridicule again)
- (on the phone with other offices) she is going off to follow her dreams…yeah she went to school for it and has always wanted to do it….but I came back, so she will too (glimmer of acceptance, then back to denial)
No, he teased me a lot today and I genuinely am concerned that I won’t be here to take care of him, but this is probably a healthy thing for me. I can’t sacrifice my dreams because I am worried about letting other people down….I mean I will still worry, but I have to believe that everyone here will be just fine without me……
Today has been better in that we’ve had a lot of fun talking about it, I feel relief in knowing that the telling him part is out-of-the-way, and everyone I’ve told has been genuinely happy for me. It sucks to leave these people.
They are some of the best people I have ever worked with…and if I could take them all with me I totally would. Don’t ask me what a bunch of nerdy pavement engineers are going to do with historic buildings, but I could probably figure out a way to make that work. hahaha.
I am happy…mostly…but part of me is facing the grim reality that in a few weeks I am going to have to walk out of this office and never come back. I want desperately to see these people again. I have already told them all ‘we will still hang out!’….the whole ‘we will still be friends’ statement.
I know better….I will give it a good effort, but I know it won’t sustain forever. At least not with everyone. It sucks to leave part of my village behind.
….Starting to think faking my own death was the way to go with this one.