Reflecting

I ate a lunchable today….yeah I know I am supposed to be a grown up, but I do what I want! I remember when lunchables first came out and they were just that full-size one with like turkey and ham, swiss and cheddar, white and wheat crackers, yellow mustard and an Andes mint…..pretty detailed memory right? I remember my mom buying us some to try for lunch and then me becoming an asshole about it and wanting them all the time…let’s not focus on the fact that I only liked some of the items and would basically waste the rest of it…like I said – asshole.

I recall my mom taking the plastic tray and refilling it with just Ritz crackers, cut up ham and american cheese. She probably was thinking that those were the only things I ate anyway, so why waste money on the whole lunchable. I am sure that shit was expensive for a couple of nurses with two kids.

She put it in a plastic bag and sent me to school with it. I remember being mortified! I couldn’t eat this!…people would realize it was homemade!!! GASP!….so when I was about to throw out my plastic tray today, I sighed and thought to myself ‘I hope my mom realizes that I am sorry for being such an asshole back then’. I wish I could tell her…

The good news is – now as a mom with a two-year-old, I can pretty much guarantee that she knows. Because when Jack is being a total asshole for no reason, I know that it’s just a phase. I know eventually I stopped requesting lunchables and just ate pb&honey like a normal un-spoiled kid. Maybe my mom put me in my place about it, I don’t know….all I know is eventually I stopped being such a butthead.

Having a second child was really important to me. I wanted Jack to have a sibling; it is what I know from growing up and it is what Andy knows. But I realize my fears of only-child-syndrome are now multiplied into oldest and youngest-child-syndrome. Which if you think that there are two of them…that might be worse than only-child-syndrome….like twice as worse.

But whatever, I am so very fortunate to be able to go through this once more and it will be worth whatever mayhem is to come with attitudes and assholery….kids are fucking awesome….even when they are hard and crazy….and irrational.

 

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Foot, Meet Mouth

I spoke a wee bit too soon about feeling great and being nausea-free….the nausea has been creeping in slowly…like a sneaky snake….who is slow….because I guess technically snakes are fast. So a fat lazy snake.

I can’t really say if it truly is better this time because when I think about it, I was probably so focused and attentive that the nausea was always on my mind round one. This time if I stop paying attention to it, I can get a lot of activities done before I realize that I’ve been nauseous the whole time. So distraction is the name of the game.

We had a good weekend. Pretty laid back. I mowed the lawn and laid around the house (mowing requires a few hours of laying around….because I can). We cleaned the house and then made food, thus dishes and slowly by the end of Sunday the house looked worse than before we cleaned. Apparently the only thing to do is to clean your house, leave, and never return ever again. Instead of a vacation home, we will have a messy home. A place where we go to make a mess and then return to our clean house, where we just basically sleep and that is all – no eating, or showering, or anything that might create a mess…I suppose we can’t even sleep there because then we’d have messy bedclothes….isn’t bedclothes a fun word?

Why don’t we use it more often? I am going to go home tonight and tell Andy we need to wash the bedclothes……why shouldn’t beds have clothes? They are people too….or at least our’s is a person…a very soft comfy person who wants to sabotage our work and productivity.

Andy’s step-sister and her family came into town for a wedding, so we were able to see them on Father’s Day. They’ve been out in California for a year now. Yet Jack and Bella fell right into playing easily with one another again.

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We grilled and Jack proceeded to eat only baked beans and 3 ears of corn…okay they were 1/2 ears, but still….needless to say, he had two diapers yesterday evening with interesting contents.

The boy might be having a growth spurt because last night for dinner I made him an egg and cheese sandwich, and then he asked for more eggs. Andy proceeded to cook two batches of 3 over-easy eggs each and Jack gobbled them up….He ate approx 7 eggs!. Oh and then he had a string cheese….I should measure him now and again next week to see if he shoots right up.

Another food related comment I have is: what’s the deal with buffets? I feel like they are ridiculous and such a waste of money, yet I find we are always meeting family at one for one reason or another. We had Father’s Day brunch (this was prior to the cook-out…sorry for the messed up timeline) with Andy’s family at an Italian buffet….now I like Italian, but this place is just not that great. They, on the other hand, seemed to be pretty proud of it. I found myself with a teeny plate of food (yay nausea! oh wait, we are ignoring it) because I was so uninterested in everything. That was the silliest $22 meal I’ve ever eaten….it sort of feels like a disservice to money. Do you know how much delicious Italian food you can get for $22?…I am sure you do! There should be two giant to-go boxes in my fridge right now waiting to be devoured.

All this food talk is making me hungry for lunch though…okay bye!

The Deets

I am 8 weeks…which is werid-sauce. As previously discussed, I started getting super cereal about the whole TTCv2.0 thing when it became clear it was not going to just happen like it did for those other whores I know. I gave it a year and then was like ‘enough of this shit, I am getting old!’

Things were full-blown. I had opks, I was taking herbs, I was temping, going to acupuncture once a week, this other little stuff the teeny tiny acu lady wanted me to do every night before I went to bed…it was ridiculous. I was so worn out and over it….which I know sounds ridiculous, but when you are doing all that every day….EVERY day people! It is just a lot. Oh yeah, and then there was that whole need to have sex on top of it. What do you mean, Natalie? You can’t just get pregnant doing all those things? No…no you sure can’t. On top of that you have to have relations with you husband and try to keep it fun….because let’s all remember TTC sex is just about the worst sex on the planet earth. It isn’t fun, it is predictable and lame.

And when you do it for more than a year, your relationship starts to suck ass, and then your husband is all “leave me alone, I don’t care if you think this is it (for the 12th time this cycle), go get a boyfriend I am done with you!”…alright so a little over-dramatized.

But I didn’t want it to be that way on v2.0. I wanted it to be fun. So eventhough I wasn’t doing all that stuff together for very long, even the 50-some days (YAY long cycles!) I was doing it was starting to wear me down and lose hope.

My acupuncturist was getting impatient too, so I think that added to the worn-outed-ness. To give you some more info, she was pretty convinced we were dealing with PCOS. Now don’t ask me why, but I never pursued a full-on diagnosis when I started realizing there would be issues getting pregnant the first time.

I do recall discussing PCOS with the OB, but I can’t for the life of me tell you why we didn’t go for an actual diagnosis of it…..I vaguely recall something about her saying if we did find out for sure, then I would be entering the official “infertile” world in the eyes of my insurance and it would change the things that would be covered….but I could be making that up. I think it had more to do with the fact that she wanted to put me on drugs right away without a diagnosis because it was easier to do that first before going through the tube dye test and what not. I do remember having a lot of questions she couldn’t really answer and that making me shy away from her plan. Because that is what led me straight to acupuncture.

So when the acupuncturist asked if I had ever been diagnosed and why not? I couldn’t answer her. uhh……I don’t know for sure. But we talked about all the reasons she suspected it…..which I should have written down (double fail).

Anyhoodles, she was pushing for a firm diagnosis and so when my cycle started to drag on she was like ‘I’m bored, let’s go get a progesterone ‘scrip and start your period so we can test your hormone levels’…..well okay she didn’t really say it like that, but I could tell she wanted some real answers and was not into the idea of waiting for my period to show up on it’s own.

I hated the idea of giving up, but I also understood her point which was that we couldn’t effectively treat me if we don’t have all the information. Which, FYI I realized was sort of lacking in my previous acupuncturist. So I made an appointment…even though I had a sinking feeling in my heart. It felt like giving up, like for all my fighting to not have to go the western intervention route, this would be the first step in that direction….dramatic? yes.

I think I also didn’t really want to know that I was defective. I have always just joked that I have lazy ovaries and what not, but it has been a total defense mechanism. Obviously we all know I have fertility issues, but if there is no official diagnosis, no one can actually say I am infertile…..I know it is like a silly differentiator, but I’ve obviously clung to it tightly.

But I made the appointment and I resigned myself to the process of really and truly claiming the title of “infertile”. Then something happened. About 6 days before my appt. I got a positive OPK…..and another one the next day.

To top it off, Andy and I were in a fun place relationship-wise, so we got busy and not in a “we better have sex right now” sort of way. I knew it wasn’t a guarantee, and so when my temp started to rise, but then dipped two days in a row I was like ‘dang it!’. I decided not to temp the next day because it was bumming me out.

But after the OPKs, I did know that there appeared to be no need for the progesterone prescription, so I called and canceled my appointment, letting them know I would call when I got to cycle day 3 to do the blood draw.

So once you take a temping vacation, it is hard not to stay on that vacation. Turns out I didn’t temp for the next week. I did start cheep-o HCG testing though. After 3 days of nothing I was ready to call it a day. Then something weird happened. The 4th one was negative and then it had this weird like sideways discoloration. I figured it was defective. So the next day when it was negative I thought: ‘see nothing to get excited about’. But when I was getting ready for bed at the end of day 5, suddenly there was a second line….the lightest line ever, but there.

Then the suspicion began. Two testing days later a for realz second line started appearing (to be clear these aren’t like offical DPO days. I would have to go look at my test dates to tell you exactly when I started testing, but I think I started the cheep-o HCG tests at about 8 DPO….again I’d have to check for sure.

Anyway, I couldn’t believe it. I was convinced it was a bust and honestly, I had gotten to the point where blood tests and another two or more cycles of all this crap was just feeling like too much.

I had told my friends I was over it all and had started to accept the idea of just having Jack. It was honestly one of those things where in hindsight you think ‘Well obviously it happened then, you had literally just completely given up’….and it is annoying to admit that. Because I hate anyone and everyone who says ‘it will happen when you give up’. Um fuck you mister….or misses….but damn it if that didn’t actually happen.

So anyway, long story short long, I got knocked up. Much to my own happiness I didn’t even have to step foot back into the OBs office (this is the same one who was completely against the home birth and told on me to my mother-in-law? remember that one?…yeah well I know I should have pursued another one, but I’m lazy and dealing with insurance is dumb, and she already had an idea of my past, etc….so, I was going to stick with the path of least resistance).

I have been feeling great….so great that until the pregnancy exhaustion set in I was thinking there was something seriously wrong this time around. I was so sick with Jack. It started right at 5 weeks and went until 13 weeks and I recall telling myself I had made a terrible decision with this whole pregnancy business.

This time I have been exceedingly fortunate….that annoying kind of fortunate that you want to punch out of pregnant ladies. So sorry about that….I am her now….if you must punch me, do it in the butt because I have a lot of padding there. Plus watching you punch me in the butt would be hilarious.

Basically the only signs of pregnancy are the ridiculous tiredness where I basically want to drug Jack at 6pm so he will go to sleep so I can go to sleep, and where I don’t want to go to work because it involves getting out of bed. And in the last week, that nausea you get when you don’t eat soon enough in the morning. But once I get some breakfast in me, that is out of the way.

The baby is due end of January (circa the 26th). Hilariously that is 10 days before my 1 year anniversary at work….but we will round up and hopefully my boss will too.

My first midwife appointment is July 12th….which is extremely weird! So there will be no 8 week U/S, no 12 week U/S. This is going to be like a real old-fashioned regular pregnancy. How odd is that? My friends are completely annoyed by it. I am strangely okay…I think because I am sleepy. I do feel a little bad already neglecting the second child so much, but it is a welcome change to not worry as much this time.

There you go, all the details I know.

Then there is this

Perhaps you might have noticed the lack of information on all the margaritas and lemon drops BU and I drank last weekend and you started wondering…huh that is weird.

Believe me I was looking forward to it as well. BU was telling me how she loves these beergarita thingies, where they tip a beer upside down into your margarita and then some sort of magic mixing happens that creates a wonderful and perfect beverage mash-up. She even texted me a picture of what one looks like….I don’t know where that picture is, but if you google that shit there are a ton of them….it is possible that I am the last person on the planet to learn about this beergarita phenomenon, but just be kind and pretend you don’t know either.

Turns out there were two reasons we didn’t get our beergarita on. First up:

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Oh hey there….yes you are correct in assuming that is a pregnancy test. And also no, you’re eyes are not deceiving you, that does appear to be a positive. Woohoo! (also I feel I should clarify it is my pregnancy test….since we all know BU is a fertile whore, I didn’t want to confuse you)

I was pretty bummed to get knocked-up right before a major girl’s weekend, but obviously only for like a second. And BU told me she would be ordering a beergarita and that I could  take a sip. Of course then she got all sick and let me down!. Which was reason #2 we didn’t drink (obviously not the primary reason because if I wasn’t knocked up, I would have been passing her tequila shots until it killed whatever bug was in her stomach…or you know, until she threw up (more likely)). But the day after the race she was feeling sick. Like nauseous and drained….basically pregnant. To which I told her she was just having a sympathy pregnancy. She didn’t find that funny….strange. Next post – the deets.

Happy Like a Pig…

Here’s the recap from last weekend…mostly in pictures. Because pictures are awesome. Night one – Jack and I were greeted by BU‘s hubby at the airport (if you go to her link you might notice she hasn’t posted in a while…ahem). She texted apologizing for not being there and I proceeded to send snapchats of her husband with long beautiful locks of hair. It was basically the same thing. We picked up wings on the way home…..yuuummmm. We might have had wings more than once while I was there, but I will not confirm nor deny…okay yeah we did. We ate them twice.

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Full Day 1 involved stopping for a chai that “tasted like christmas”. Seriously probably one of the best chai’s I have ever had…and by I, I mean Jack and I. He drank about 1/2 of it….what? 2-year-olds are convincing yo. Don’t judge me!

Also notice how much whiter I am than BU? It is seriously ridiculous…Of course I showed her later that day by getting a sunburn! Take that tan person!…..yeah I still lose. Lame.

We drove up into the Rocky’s, her side looks weird FYI. I mean it’s the same mountain range, but it is not the same….far out man. Where were we going, one might ask? Why the Dirty Dash up in Soldier Hollow…Thanks for asking.

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Here’s what we looked like before.

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And here is what we looked like after!

It was such a blast. We opted for the 5K version instead of the almost 10K because seriously 3.5 miles of trail running with mud pits, walls to climb over, stacks of hay to jump, and an extreme hill that was slippery, is tough work. Plus BU was running the kid’s race with her son a couple of hours after we finished, so she knew she’d get more mud time.

It was awesome though. The gross part was when we ran down to the lake and basically through a “lake mud” obstacle. I’m sure you know what lake mud smells like……yeah see how there is mud almost up to my shoulder?….that is how deep I fell into smelly lake mud. Delicious.

Other than that though we just had an awesome time. BU and I chatted the entire time and I basically kept repeating ‘this is the most fun day ever in history of ever and stuff’. And she was like ‘okay Natalie, you are apparently part pig or something’.

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Here’s a pic of BU and her oldest kiddo during their run….see that hill? Well it was more gravel-y-er than the other mud pits we went through, so whilst I was able to slide down the other hills no problem, I discovered later that the gravel did indeed rip a hole in my ass from this point in the race. Bahhaa….Just a tiny hole, but as previously mentioned I am white….so…yay for that!

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Here’s what Jack and her baby girl were doing. Also Jack was pissed that I got him all “icky!” from my mud. Apparently he does not appreciate me dirtying up his duds in front of the ladies…

After the race, we went to BU’s parent’s campground and showered. Then we basically became as immoble as possible for the remainder of the afternoon, minus wrangling our toddlers….apparently they didn’t understand that we were tired and just wanted to sit.

It was a picturesque spot to hang out though. Right by the river, staying nice and cool. Sipping ice water and eating pretzels….what else could you want out of life?

On our way down the mountain, BU informed me that we would come dangerously close to a Krispy Kreme….I think you know what happened next.

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Days 2 and 3 involved hanging out at home, going swimming, putting the kids on horses (which Jack freaking loved….he also loved BU’s husbands cowboy boots)

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And also a fair amount of eating of chocolate……DAMN YOU BU for introducing me to Kit Kat and Milky Way Minis! She is such a bitch! I recommend you never become her friend (mostly because she is MINE) she is a terrible influence.

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Jack had a great time playing with her kiddos. Turns out Jack is the tiniest 2-year-old of our pack of friends. Even though he is the eldest. Poor kid.

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Awww but look how cute he is…..awww..

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He had so much fun that he slept the entire way home on the plane. It was so cute. A few minutes after take off he said ‘Mom, wanna lay down’, a second later – snooze city.

We had such a blast. I am still trying to recover from it!

Polygamy Wings

I am heading out tonight on an adventure. Little man and I are headed deep into the heart of polygamy to visit one of my favorite children-hoarders… as in she hoards her own children…Don’t want you to think something else. Also there will be chicken wings…which I am obviously excited about.

This is the first time flying with Jack where he gets his own seat….well rather where I had to pay for his own seat. Lame but still. Room is fun!

I’d love to tell you all about our planned drunken adventures. But those are stories for another day.

The World Outside

There are times I wonder what my life would be like if I were a different person entirely. And I think that is what is great about the blogging world. We can be who we are, yet read about people doing completely different, yet also fantastical things…yes fantastical is a word, glad you asked.

I find myself embodying pieces of these other people, imagining that parts of their day become parts of my day. Why yes I did go hiking in British Columbia last weekend, then stopped at this picturesque farmer’s market in Ohio, and then I got home in time to watch Jack help Andy work on the bronco….and by “help” I mean get covered in dirt and grease.

To say that reading about other people’s lives has helped me out is an understatement. It is such a unique ability to be able to know so much about the thoughts and goings-on of complete strangers….it really feeds back to what I was like as a child.

I’ve always been a people-watcher – just infinitely fascinated by the fact that at another table in a restaurant were people I didn’t know in any way, but they had whole lives of their own. Perhaps the only time we would ever see one another would be this exact moment in time….and yet we say nothing to one another. I would never really know who they are, so it was as though I was intent on finding out anything and everything from that one 30 minute period.

Blogging is like people-watching, on crack. You can sift through bloggers as quickly or slowly as you’d like. Some days I find myself bouncing from link to link on blogs until I find one that captures my attention for a long enough time that I read more than half a post, or the ultimate – save it to my favorites. Sometimes I sit and think back ‘remember that blog I found about such-n-such, where was that?’…..But I’ll likely never find it again. Just like the strangers in the restaurant, we had our moment – nothing more came of it…thus, off we go in different directions.

I’ve met some of the most amazing people via blogging – met and “met”. Some of them have turned into a group of real-life friends….how strange right? Granted, Andy still refers to them as my imaginary friends….but they are real.
And in theory if things continued like this, in the next 50 years I would have such a strange, eclectic and geographically varied group of friends it would probably make my head spin….plus I will be old anyway, so things upstairs won’t function properly.

Sometimes, reading makes me realize how much I love my own life and where I am. But other times it makes me appreciate the beauty of a much simpler life. And those days I start to think to myself – how can I get there? Granted I stopped reading so many crafting blogs, because those ones had the opposite effect.

I can’t believe I haven’t made a bunch of scrap metal into an intricate turkey sculpture for my Thanksgiving table centerpiece! How lazy am I?

No, now I find myself focusing on the blogs who say nothing about their Thanksgiving table settings. I like looking at that stuff in magazines, but then it is easy to say ‘yeah but no one does that in real life’. Then you find the blogs of people who do it in real life and you are like ‘wow I am a sad lazy sack aren’t I?’

When I find a blog I really connect to, I find myself wondering if this person is just an alternate-universe version of myself?….what events in life would make it so my path would have taken those turns?

I stumbled upon and have been stalking a blog about a very active and free-spirited woman…several years younger. She speaks of her adventure high school where they camped and kayaked….could that have been me? Probably if my dad has his way it could have been.

I had lunch with him earlier this week and 75% of it was spent discussing his next adventures: Utah, New Mexico, then two high-altitude triathlons. The guy is like an outdoor adventure machine. I am like an outdoor adventure….something not machine-like (thinking of analogies is hard yo). I like being outside and I try to do it as much as I can, but even the little bit that I do, feels inadequate compared to my dad.

This girl I read about, she’s basically my dad’s dream daughter….well if she played guitar anyway…then I would really be out of a job. Good thing he doesn’t have any interest in the internet! Whew, I am safe. But she is exciting….and she’s not alone. There are people out there traveling the world and there are others just snuggling under a blanket with a cup of coffee and writing profound and beautiful things.

What an interesting world outside.