Where’s my courage?

So I’ve been making myself ill the last few weeks and I know it is ridiculous. I wanted to wait until my 12 week appointment to tell anyone at work…namely my boss, but pretty much anyone. It is a pretty young crowd here. So the ladies that I sometimes have lunch with are not only not married, but nowhere near the baby-making phase of their lives. It just isn’t the group you share that news with and ask for advice on how to approach your boss….I guess that is the weird part of being one of the mentor’s in the firm as opposed to the mentees…..mentee is a silly word.

I guess in a year I will be able to advise them on getting pregnant and going on maternity leave….man it sort of sucks to pave the way though doesn’t it?

The one person I can talk to and ask about this sort of thing is Jane. I love Jane and I seriously have almost told her a zillion times, but of course the problem has been proximity to others. Open office plans are great until you want to have a secret conversation….doh. Saying ‘hey Jane can we talk downstairs in the conference room’ seems a bit obvious.

Anyway, mainly it is the thought of telling my boss that is giving me nerves of glass. Leave it to me to get knocked up the first cycle after starting with the new acupuncturist and within the first 4 months of starting a new job. I distinctly remember saying ‘let’s get going now because it will probably take 3 cycles to regulate’…..fail numero uno. Apparently tell no one of your grand ideas of plans.

The nerves really set in when I spoke with a girlfriend from my old job. When I told her my due date she was like ‘oh will you qualify for FMLA if you haven’t been there for 12 months’…..oh shitballs….turns out I have no idea what they will say. It is really all up to them at that point. There is a parental leave clause in my handbook that says it is at the discretion of the partner as far as time off allowance goes. That seems to apply if I haven’t been here a full year and officially qualify for FMLA.

Nuggetv2 is due 7 days before my official one year anniversary…..I may be the only woman in the history of the world who is hoping for an at least 7 day late baby….10 would be better, just to get well past that line.

I am not sure what I was thinking guys. I certainly wasn’t calculating right and I should have held off another two months before starting acu again….but here we are. Obviously PLEASE don’t get me wrong. I am so grateful to be here in this predicament. To be whorishly knocked-up again and only worried about paying bills during my time away from work and this, hopefully, tiny hurdle of exposing my faux pas of getting pregnant before you’ve been at a new job for a year. Whoopsie daisies. I am trying not to let the extreme negative thoughts of ‘they might find it’s a perfect opportunity to let you go at that point’ inside…but they are there. It certainly could happen, but let’s all hope it won’t.

I’ve been waffling between denial that I need to tell anyone for a bit longer and running through speeches in my head. Jane and I are walking to a meeting together on Wednesday, so I am hoping that will be our time to chat and discuss. She has been here 7 years and is the only female to have had a child while at the firm. She also knows our boss better than anyone and seems to always have the best advice on approaching him. So I hope after Wednesday I will have my plan of attack nailed down.

The good news is, January still feels like forever away. Hopefully he will feel that way too. And I already have something in my draft brain speech that points out I plan to be here for a really long time and I hope he realizes how dedicated I am to the future of the firm and all that good stuff….something along those lines. We’ll see. Something I did stumble upon that was really helpful today was this. I know my teeny silly hurdle is nothing compared to the things he is talking about, but reading this did help.

Friday is my 12 week appointment. So….that makes next week the big week for revealing. The good news is I am not really showing and I seem to be able to accomplish being nauseated and tired without anyone blinking an eye. I have half a mind to wait a bit longer, but….I know it needs to happen sooner rather than later. Then I can spend the next 6 months showing him how dedicated and awesome I will continue to be despite being knocked up.

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4 thoughts on “Where’s my courage?

  1. You do not have to be with a company a year to get FMLA. I got pregnant about 3 months after my new job started, and went on maternity “leave” maybe five days before my baby was born. I ended up getting 3 months of pay, and I chose not to return. If it were me, I would wait a few more weeks to tell the boss, but if it makes you feel better, tell now. Keeping secrets is hard, but so is being known as the “one that’s pregnant”. Most importantly, don’t feel apologetic when you do decide to let the good news out!

  2. Well, after doing some research, I found a Dept. of Labor site that said you have to have been with a company for a year to qualify for FMLA, but I am pretty sure I was not when I took my leave, so best to check with your employer on that.

  3. It sounds like you’ve already proved your total awesomeness, but yeah, I can imagine this being something you want out there are and really don’t want out there. I remember how I felt about having to tell my chair I’d be on parental leave AGAIN, forcing him to teach the big class AGAIN. I emailed him and literally wrote “I’m telling you this by email so I don’t have to see the look on your face…” I hope you get tons of support, and I’m excited you get to show those little girls how baby makin’ is DONE.

  4. I know it’s stressful, especially because things are so new, but… if he is anything besides madly excited for you, I will totally fly there and kick him in the shin! 😉

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