No One Panic!

I am a planner and when I can’t be a planner and know all the options and outcomes then I become an alarmist….I am also an internalizer, especially when it comes to Andy and school.

Andy is a sensitive bird about school…which isn’t to say I wouldn’t be in his situation because I really would. I always joked from the beginning of him starting school that he was like a deer. I had to walk super softly and slowly in order to not spook him. That situation got infinitely worse with the derailment. Despite the anger I felt (mostly that he didn’t ask for help or give any indication that anything was wrong) I had to be pretty conscientious about my approach…which sucked because I was reeling between feeling lied to and trying not to overreact and make things worse. I am not saying that I was successful at all….If I was less of a school-nerd I think it would have gone way better. Also if I didn’t know so many nerdy things, like the vast availability of assistance at Universities that he could have taken advantage of and fixed the issue without having to tell me, he would be better off….But he didn’t ask for help….from anyone. I get that he was ashamed and intimidated to tell me he was struggling with something, yada yada yada…basically the male ego is a bunch of bullshit that gets in the way. But it didn’t change my feelings at the time and lessen the struggle it was to deal with it in a constructive manner when I just wanted to yell some.

But whatever, we got past it. And we’re mostly likely stronger…or whatever else you say when you try to find the silver-lining of a situation. But Andy still hasn’t really fully learned the lesson I hoped he would take away from that situation, and that is, there is no privacy from me! I need to be fully up in his shit to a level that makes me comfortable….not his literal shit…gross.

Sure it is probably good for me to learn the opposite lesson…that I can’t be all up in his business to the levels that make me feel comfortable. Discomfort is good?…maybe…I don’t know.

We’re trying this thing out lately (lately as in the past few years) where we try to have rational discussions rather than arguements….and well, you win some you lose some. But after writing the last post and getting to a point where I felt backed into a sad, depressing corner, I decided I should open the dialogue.

So last Friday Andy and I talked. He heard my perspective that I need him to be more connected to the process of working this whole issue out, that I don’t want to feel alone, and that I need answers ASAP for peace of mind. And I heard his perspective that I am just one of many people in his ear about school (he gets it from both sets of his parents…yay for blended families!…eerrr.not at all in this case), that he is overwhelmed by the amount of parties interested in this aspect of his life. But he did say that I am the one person who, although giving him a kick in the butt, is offering some forward momentum, as opposed to the other “parties” who seem to just depress and overwhelm him to the point of wanting to give up. I was happy to hear that he sees me in a different light than them, that he knows I am in his corner, but I also think it is unfair that he doesn’t realize they are in his corner too….but his parental issues run deep, so let’s not tackle that one today.

So the good news is, there was that conversation where we listened and heard the other person. And the better news is, that when I told him the options I saw (as listed last post) he actually weighed in on them and we seemed to come up with a semblance of a plan.

When I told him I didn’t see working full-time and going to school full-time as a real option, first he pointed out that he doesn’t have to go to school full-time. If he has 3-4 semesters left, he could potentially take two classes a semester and still work. For anyone who has looked at college tuition rates, the difference between taking 6-8 credits and 12 or more credits is like a $500/semester savings…..so basically not that great, but obviously if he can do that and still work full-time then we’d really only need to figure out the tuition cost.

I still think we are setting ourselves up for a rough family life for the next two years…which makes me sad. The commute to school is 2 hours no matter if he is spending 4 hours on campus or 6, and language classes are 4 days a week, so it isn’t like he can just go up there a couple of days…..but you know what? I think it just might work.

Turns out there can be solutions for everything. We still need as many scholarships as fucking possible, don’t get me wrong there….If I wasn’t about to have a second child right now then we’d be able to use the maternity leave bank I am gathering to get ready for tuition. But since I am having a second child and there won’t be much of anything to bank once we have two kids in daycare, this is where we are….but I definitely feel a little more hopeful that everything will work out.