The Differences

Perhaps you’ve been keeping track better than me, but time is marching onward. Groundbreaking information, I know! But I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on the differences in myself and just life in general as of late. Most likely this time for reflection is due to the fact that my pelvis has decided to become a big floppy donkey dick – yes I have been itching for an excuse to write the phrase “big floppy donkey dick” in my blog – so by the end of the day I most often find myself in a horizontal position moving as little as possible. Stupid flexible pelvis.

But truth be told, I have started to realize that I am still growing up. 5 years ago Heck! even just 3 years ago, I would have told you I would never change my mind about certain things and you might as well just forget even trying to get me to. (Sidebar – a special thanks to my ever-so-patient friends, whom, despite being older and wiser than me and probably knowing I would someday find resolution in my feelings, offered their unbiased love and support. Saying things like “that sucks dude, i love you”).

What the heck am I blabbering on about? Well let me elaborate:

A few weeks ago, I found myself talking to my Dad and his wife about setting up a blog (more on this tidbit next time) and I started pondering if I should share about the existence of this space, which could potentially lead to more inquiries from them, perhaps even an interwebz visit. I kept my pie-hole shut because I was fairly certain that despite a lot of time passing, there were still skeletons of my 5-year-ago-self. I recalled taking some of the more volatile posts down, but sure enough when I started searching I found things that could be hard to understand.

I’ve pondered back and forth about whether they (most specifically my dad….who arguably would probably not get on the internet anyway) have the right to those thoughts….they were my honest thoughts at the time and, as I’ve said, I find me and my feelings are drastically different. Perhaps there is something healing in sharing in that transformation. Then again, this is my space  (even if they are here reading and I don’t realize it) so perhaps it is better if we all continue as things are. I am undecided on that at the moment.

I re-read this post and was instantly reminded of how I felt. Still so raw from  it all: the affair, the loss of my mom, moving back home with some unexpressed expectations of my dad that obviously weren’t being delivered, also pregnant and probably extra-sensitive, etc.

That first pregnancy was really emotionally difficult. I had been “surviving” without my mom for a while, but pregnancy opened so many unforeseen doors. I found myself with new questions that she would never be able to answer for me. Then we had my dad issues and the hate I was sure I would always harbor towards his wife.

So what has changed? Well for one, I shoved Jack into that big gaping hole in my heart. And that tricky little bugger has filled it better than I ever thought possible. Then there is the time aspect. Time = getting older and wiser (hopefully wiser anyway). Then there’s that whole thing where maybe I am too tired to work so hard at being angry. Maybe it is easier to just let certain things go and try to find some understanding for my Dad.

I can literally tell you that 11 years ago when the affair came out I would have sworn on my entire being that nothing could ever derail the anger that I felt…but you know what? Anger takes effort and I just don’t have time for that shit anymore. So to counteract the anger, I’ve needed to find justification in the actions and justification has meant finding some sort of understanding. And although I don’t fully understand it all, I can sort of see maybe where he was coming from.

He was still wrong…and an asshat for ever cheating on my mother, but I find that I don’t have to agree with his actions to understand what the thoughts behind them might have been: potential/impending loss of a spouse, aging, and yes a certain amount of self-centeredness that he still has (and will always have), etc.

He chose quite a hard path for himself in bringing her back into the mix after my mom died. I have to admit that if I didn’t think he deserved it, I would admire that he didn’t choose an easy path for himself. Bringing a woman who I might at one time have gladly murdered back into my life and never really pushing.

She pushed mind you. But he was thankfully smarter than that. I hated her for pushing. It made me angrier, I had little interest in sharing in her life, in her sharing in mine, and I recall deciding that my children would never call her Grandma. But again….things change. Time changes people.

Last weekend we rode with them down to Albuquerque to visit my grandma. It has become easier to just say grandpa and grandma to Jack. The effort (and scorn) involved in trying to force him to say Grandpa and wife’s name is overrated. I am old now. Old and tired…or old, tired and wise.

Needless to say I am glad that I have changed. I think if I still maintained that anger, it would take space away from letting something good inside…or that is what I choose to believe anyway.

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