Mournings of great joy

I woke up this morning to baby dos’ regular placenta-fighting routine. I looked over at my 2 year old (who yes, is still in the bed) and realized this is it! The last time we will have Christmas as a family of 3, the last time he will be a 2 yr old on Christmas, and the last Christmas I will be big and round feeling a tiny ninja warrior working out his “issues” – I assume spending 8 months with a large squishy thing right next to you might result in some anger or at the very least annoyance….but I do have a weird imagination.

Obviously don’t get me wrong, next year is going to be so wonderful and amazing! Our family will be complete and just that I’ve/we’ve gotten to this point is fortune enough.

But I let myself mourn for just a few minutes in the early morning light. A little mourning is okay…it reminds me how important it is to stop and really soak in each and every moment right now.

It is okay to be sad that this is my last pregnancy (although the wild thought did cross my mind that I can sort of understand how a family like the Duggars come to exist….I might need medical attention…..someone call someone!). It is okay that soon we will be out of the “family building” phase of our life and purely be “family raising”. It is okay that kids grow up without our permission at an exponential rate, because each and every day Jack will do something surprising and unexpected. Then I am reminded that control over one’s life would be much too predictable and boring.

My particular mournings are laced with great joy. I can be sad for a teeny moment and instantly realize how lucky I am to be sad for these amazing and wonderful changes happening in our lives.

I hope if you awake and find yourself with a few tears leaking out of your otherwise joyous holiday face, you will let them flow. Feel whatever it is for a little while and know you are not alone. I am here with you.

And then get off your ass, pop a bottle of champagne and have a freaking mimosa for me because I want one REALLY fucking badly! Do it!

Merry Christmas everyone!


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