Trapped By Fear…. of Flatulence

You know what’s not fair? Not being able to control your farts while pregnant!

Who decided that what a woman really needs when she is hauling around a watermelon 24/7, tired out of her skull, achy, sweaty (in winter no less), and probably not that fresh smelling anyway – is the added horror of just randomly farting with no warning? Whoever it was must be male because you know they are the only ones who think farting is hilarious and would take advantage of a poor helpless pregnant woman’s lack of control.

Yesterday was a doosey, I went for a couple of walks to try to encourage little man to get organized in there and I was basically a tiny rocket ship pooting around the neighborhood….I have no problem farting while I am outside. That’s cool. It still makes me laugh uncontrollably and look around in a semi-panic to make sure no one is close enough to hear, but outside + farting = whatcha-gonna-do.

The problem is when you are inside, and everyone in your office apparently decides to gather in a concentrated 200 square foot area that stands right between your desk and the bathroom and you feel that there is some questionable pressure down under that should you get out of your seat will most definitely result in flatulence….and not just any flatulence…audible flatulence.

Yesterday I was hanging on by a thread to make it to 5:30p….I was so exhausted from waking up every hour the night before and then being up for the day at 4am….yay! So when 5:28 hit I was like ‘close enough! we did it’, then I looked toward the exit and saw the random crowd who just happened to gather…I’m trapped! – I thought to myself.

Alas I had to wait a few extra minutes until I was sure that standing up would not result in a storm of epic proportions and that I could safely pass the group of my co-workers with a water-tight blowhole, if you will.

As fate would have it, once I was safely outside and gave my rear permission to accomplish what needed to be done….there was nothing. Are you serious?….you asshole.

And now we know why the term asshole has the “insult” benefit it does. If assholes behaved as they should then perhaps being called an asshole would be a good thing – a statement of merit – but obviously that’s not the case.

4 thoughts on “Trapped By Fear…. of Flatulence

  1. When I was pregnant with #2 I had a small toto that needed to come out while shopping. I looked around and no one was around so I let out a very small poot! Well apparently that wasn’t good enough for my body.. I got the walking farts! I couldn’t control them and they wouldn’t stop!! Every step..*cue loud popping fart…* Of course the empty area I was in became a crowded area all at once and I was trapped too!! I texted my husband who was on the other side of the store and told him my predicament.. So as I stood as still as I could, here came my husband (who was laughing hysterically) and he had the best idea to turn my ringer up on my phone to pretend it was ringing to make an escape!!! So embarrassing!!!! Lol

    • Hahah such an awesome story. Good thinking husband! If it had been me, my husband would have walked into the aisle and loudly declared “so you can’t stop farting?” for all to hear.

  2. Bahahaha!!! You need to put a warning at the top of posts like these to not read while at work! “I was basically a tiny rocket ship pooting around the neighborhood.” this is probably the best sentence ever. Can I admit…I’ve never been one to (ahem, pass gas) but since being pregnant with D (and after!) it’s become almost normal for me! I don’t get it and I don’t like it one bit! Ok, back to being a prissy girl… 🙂

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