Oh Hey…….now what

Why hello there…..one hundred new people…..gah!

It may be hard to grasp, but I basically wrote that post for my handful of long-time blog friends and the one or two additional people who I’ve met along the way. As you can probably imagine, going from 6 followers to 100 (I choose not to look at the exact number, I am close enough to nervous-pooing all over myself) is a little bit daunting. So bear with me as I work through this first post after being freshly pressed.

First of all, thank you. To all of you who read and commented and offered up the pieces of yourself that can relate to / be compassionate about the things that I wrote, I really appreciate it.

The more I ponder my life and the lives of those around me, I realize we all have something don’t we? Each of us has a chink in our armor, something sensitive…..something difficult to deal with. And as challenging as it can be, it is also fascinating. This is what makes each of us different, yet the same. We are all working to overcome something and having an outlet to share those things and find support is amazing and something I will never take for granted. I am so grateful there are others out there sharing their stories for me to read and be a part of and so, in turn, thank you for reading mine.

I have this cube on my desk. We designed and 3-D printed them for a trades show as a kind of cutesy joke. The thought that you can look at a building and roll a dice to decide on a treatment – this is obviously not what I do. I would never roll a dice, but again, cutesy catchy tradeshow item that starts a conversation with a passerby. But as I looked at it today, I thought this could be a tool for my situation as well. To Demo or to Rehabilitate?photo diceI can honestly tell you that there have been several occasions where the thought of tearing it all down seems like the most attractive choice. And I would be lying if I told you that our marriage didn’t get close to it a time or two….probably more.

I remember someone telling me that when you choose to marry someone, it is a choice you make each and every day. You wake up and decide whether you will continue that relationship and how you will go about it. There are days you wake up and think ‘is it worth the trouble?’ or ‘I just can’t today’. Sometimes the feelings are so strong and dark you could easily hide in bed all day, or in my case, rush off to the office and bury yourself in work to avoid it.

The truth is, he is going / has gone through a similar process, I’m sure. Certainly you can read my side of our story and think ‘wow she’s a saint and going through so much’, but I am not naïve enough to think there aren’t days when he has thought ‘is this worth the effort?’.

I choose to believe we are through the hardest stuff. I choose, each and every morning, to believe that making it through 2004-2011 was the hardest stretch of it and that we are officially on an upswing. Perhaps someday I will get my nerd on and make a real graph.

Basically what I hope everyone gets out of our story is that life is hard, marriage is hard, war is hard….but I don’t feel sorry for myself, or for us. I have to believe there is a way through it all. I choose to believe that a day will come where Andy will find peace. I will keep nudging, then waiting, then nudging, then waiting, to see if there is anyway to push him up through the surface.

But as a mother, I also have two little men to think about. They are so fortunate to have such a wonderful and loving father, but how will they see him when their vision starts to become more clear and their memory sharp? I keep wondering what I will do if he continues on in this way.

The phrase whatever will be will be keeps running through my head. Maybe when I find peace, so will he. So that is what I will work towards. Finding my own peace.