I think we all spend a good deal of time talking about our master plans. If I had $1 million dollars I would…If I could do anything with my life it would be…..Those conversations spark a renewed passion for me at least. Keep me excited about the “what if’s” in life.
In reality if things could go exactly like we want them to, then life would be boring….some might say awesome….but in reality without challenge it would be hard to appreciate the things we earn/achieve.
This is all warming up to say, I have news…..to my extreme disappointment I do not in fact have ze dream job…definitely not as of now anyway. Sure you could say perhaps things will be different in two months, but bottom line is…here I am…..same place I was months ago when this started.
I will be completely honest. Yesterday was not a good day. I was feeling trapped. I had a conversation with my boss that had me aching for the opportunity to submit my notice and I was wondering why in the hell I hadn’t heard a peep from ze dream firm after two phone calls and an e-mail. It had been two weeks. I needed something, even if it was just a ‘we need more time’. I was frustrated. Tears were escaping out of these holes in my face….I couldn’t stop them. I felt like what could I have possibly done wrong to be in this situation for a second time? To be offered a job and then….not.
This was all before I actually talked to ze dream job guy. My friends were awesomepants (as per usual). They stayed positive and tried to reassure me that he was just busy and not to be down about it. They encouraged me to call again. Once more.
First off, the office manager is amazing at ze dream firm. She not only reassured me to not give up hope last week, but gave me the inside track on when to call yesterday to talk to ze dream boss. Mostly I just wanted some communication….what I got was the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech…..damn that speech sucks ass.
Here’s the deal, unfortunately the timing just wasn’t aligning. Ze dream boss basically said he was delaying in the hopes that all the stars would align in time to hire me right away. Unfortunately, being an architecture firm right now is fucking ridiculously tough. A couple of their projects were put on hold just long enough to make him scramble to keep his current staff fully busy. Obviously he can’t bring a new person on if his current staff isn’t fully utilized. I get it……I really do……and it still royally sucks.
Obviously we’re staying in touch, maybe in a month the story will change, who knows? I can honestly say I really felt better after our conversation. Just knowing something was better than the worries that were going through my head.
Earlier that day my friends had suggested I start applying to other places…..I didn’t have enough hope at the time to even consider compiling another cover letter. I looked at another firm I had intended to pursue as a next step….I clicked to their “on the boards” page – where they would put their current and future projects….there was nothing up….not one project. What’s the point?
I decided maybe it was time to admit defeat. Maybe it was time to say ‘alright ze dream job isn’t going to happen this year….now what are you gonna do?’. I do honestly believe that there is a job for me at ze dream firm…..obviously now the question at the forefront of my mind is – is that a good idea for my family. I want to work for that firm more than I can really say, but is it a smart move? If they are struggling now, what’s to say they won’t struggle again three months after I start there?
Maybe ze dream job and I need another year. Maybe this is a sign that I need to look at what I have and be extraordinarily thankful. I mean whaaaa my boss annoys me sometimes – sometimes I want to tell myself to grow the eff up. Obviously my boss annoys me sometimes, everyone’s boss annoys them sometimes, some people’s bosses annoy them ALL the time, some people’s bosses are actually terrible people who manipulate them and abuse them. and whhhaaaaa this isn’t the job of my dreams. So the fuck what? Am I starving? Do I have to work outside in the 100+ degree weather for 12 hours a day to keep food in my fridge? no. I have a cush life. I can pay my bills and still afford to do really bizarre things like wax my ting tang.
I really have waaaayyyy more things to be thankful for than to be upset about. And I can honestly say I am okay with how things are right now. I am 5 months away from getting another week of vacation. I have been here long enough to feel confident in trying to make some adjustments to hopefully resolve the sucky aspects I run into…..starting with an e-mail I sent this morning (I don’t idle for long). Maybe I can make this work for a while longer….hell I know I can.
Maybe it is time to refocus myself….perhaps I can get pregnant. Perhaps I can have a second baby and still keep connections with this other firm, perhaps in a year the stars will all align and I will have ze dream job after all. I can wait for it…..it will be worth it.
Life is full of things that don’t go exactly our way, but if everything did, what would the fun in that be?