The Winningest Loser

I will never understand the selection process for government projects. So the good news is: we won the interview! We were the best most awesomest team! I stood in front of a pretty serious panel of people, one in which just the thought of who they are made me want to poo. But I didn’t poo, not only that – I impressed them….The bad news is: we lost the job to another firm who underbid us….lame. How they could possibly do the work for that little, I have no idea, because honestly I wasn’t sure how we were going to do the work with our low bid…..le sigh….I know it should be just an honor to have stood before the people we presented to, but I don’t actually feel that way. I feel pissed to be honest. The firm that won is not the best firm for the job…and this is a project that needed the best team. It deserved that attention. Knowing they weren’t even ranked as one of the top 3 teams after the interviews tells me that they weren’t really the best team at all…So I am not so much pissed because we didn’t win, I am just pissed that the project didn’t get what it deserved. And also because if it was just going to be based on money in the end, then why even interview in the first place? Just ask for bids and be done with it.

We devoted so much to it….today I walked back to the library to relinquish the books that I checked out on the building. I know I shouldn’t be as attached to these projects as I am, but I can’t help it. I make them important and then I can’t let them go. I am sure something else will come along soon that will make it all worth while. But today I am feeling defeated…..which is lame.

Also I am sick. Which is dumb. I had to travel Tuesday and Wednesday for another project. I think I am getting old or something, because apparently I am the person who catches things from flying on the airplane now. Like a feeble old woman. I used to love traveling for work… but now it is dumb….and lonely. Even this time I had someone to see and cute babies to snuggle for a few hours on Tuesday evening. That made this particular trip way better. But at the end of the day it is still less fun than it used to be. I still end up alone in my hotel room, sitting through all day meetings, and dealing with airports / rental cars / etc. I used to love it. But that was when I was childless. Now work travel is lame. Man I am like super Debbie Downer today! Reset and try again later.

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Hey Emotions, Good Plan

You know what is a super good plan when you are resigning to pursue your dreams? Cry. Actually the best plan is to cry on and off several times over the course of a few days and also in front of your predominantly male co-workers.

Ugh.

I can seriously not turn off the waterworks today. I know better…I know that I am stupid excited,….. in addition to completely terrified…but, in conjunction with apparently incredibly sad.

Today I am getting to overhear/participate in the discussions of how to hand my work off to others. And I am finding myself super sad and a wee bit full of regret when I am realizing that I will be missing some parts of projects that I was really excited about. I don’t get to finish the Alaska project…I was able to do a really cool part of it, but I don’t get to do the rest of it. And I won’t be here to find out if these efforts result in some big project later on down the road…..although I did tell my boss I will come right back when they open the Anchorage office….to which he said “we will open it right now!”. LOL (I wish!)

So I got weepy about that. Then he pulled me in his office while we attempted to call HR to see if I needed to submit an official letter….so then of course I openly cried. Like almost full-on ugly cry…..to which he responded ‘um cut that shit out! you are going to be fine! you are going to love it and they are going to love you and it is going to be a big love fest’….which of course made me continue to cry.

Then I wrote my letter and cried….and now I am writing this post and crying….basically I am a big mess.

I do not regret my decision to take this new job. To go after “IT”…you know “the dream”. But I am also a big weepy mess….which is fun…..um not.

The Break Up

My boss finally came back to work….and I worked up the courage to tell him. It actually wasn’t so much courage. I basically almost blacked out as I walked into his office and shut the door. I think I was on auto-pilot at that point. He started saying ‘oh no…noo….I don’t want to hear this…what?…what are you about to tell me?’…..basically it was bad. It was terrible….

I told my friends I might develop PTSD from the experience. He said things like ‘could I have done something different?’, ‘did I do something wrong?’…oh god….just thinking about it makes me shiver with sadness.

I realized after it was over (which is hilarious to say because it is nowhere near over yet) that I basically just broke up with my boss. I had the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. The ‘you are great…but I need to do this for me’. Ugh it just sucks. I was sitting in his office and about 2 second away from saying ‘you know what? forget it, I will just do both! I can do both jobs, who needs sleep? or time with their family? not me!’

Fortunately I didn’t do that. Yesterday I felt like a bag of ass. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to rescind my resignation and just call this whole dream business off. Today has gotten better. I think probably it has to do with my boss having talked to his wife. I love her too and I can just imagine her telling him that this is something he should want for me…..I know that is what I would do if Andy ever came home from a similar day.

I feel terrible still – I think I broke my boss. He left early yesterday and again today. Sort of a desperate need to get away from me maybe….which sucks. But he also put on a good face for me today and started busting my balls. So that is a good sign. But we’ve also decided that he is going through the stages of grief. For example:

  • you can’t leave – resignation denied! there! I can do that. (Anger/Denial)
  • if I can’t have you no one can…I will just strangle you, that’s what I will do (is violence a stage?)
  • well we will just buy that company (is this bargaining?)
  • I am putting out an ad right now for someone to take that job out from under you (Denial again)
  • you can’t divorce me! I am divorcing you!
  • we are not talking
  • hope you have fun crawling around in the lead paint chips and pigeon poop (is ridicule a stage?)
  • do you have Birkenstocks? you will need some (ridicule again)
  • (on the phone with other offices) she is going off to follow her dreams…yeah she went to school for it and has always wanted to do it….but I came back, so she will too (glimmer of acceptance, then back to denial)

No, he teased me a lot today and I genuinely am concerned that I won’t be here to take care of him, but this is probably a healthy thing for me. I can’t sacrifice my dreams because I am worried about letting other people down….I mean I will still worry, but I have to believe that everyone here will be just fine without me……

Today has been better in that we’ve had a lot of fun talking about it, I feel relief in knowing that the telling him part is out-of-the-way, and everyone I’ve told has been genuinely happy for me. It sucks to leave these people.

They are some of the best people I have ever worked with…and if I could take them all with me I totally would. Don’t ask me what a bunch of nerdy pavement engineers are going to do with historic buildings, but I could probably figure out a way to make that work. hahaha.

I am happy…mostly…but part of me is facing the grim reality that in a few weeks I am going to have to walk out of this office and never come back. I want desperately to see these people again. I have already told them all ‘we will still hang out!’….the whole ‘we will still be friends’ statement.

I know better….I will give it a good effort, but I know it won’t sustain forever. At least not with everyone. It sucks to leave part of my village behind.

….Starting to think faking my own death was the way to go with this one.

I Am Not Really Sure What Is Happening

Life is a crazy wild ride, is it not? I mean I will admit, there are days when I am like ‘this is boring!’ And then I try to spice things up a bit. But lately…lately I am overwhelmed by the crazy whips and turns and corners my life seems to take. I am not sure what is happeneing…..I am trying to just go with the flow.

Which gives me a good jumping off point – where the fuck is my period? Before you get excited, I tested on the Friday after Thanksgiving and no….nothing. I was telling my buddy how silly this whole situation is. Three years ago I started acupuncture because I was on the cycle from hell (200 days, fuck me) without a hope in the world. The acu got me cycling again and voila! Pregnant with Jack. This go-round I was cycling, though a little strangely, but not getting pregnant, so I start up acu and now I am not cycling. Are you confused? Because I am. Who knows what is going on?

Shhiiiittt!!! I forgot to tell you dudes! I finished my run! My SIL turned on her “map my run” and we ended up running 4.3 miles in a 4 mile race….how one might ask? I will tell you – assholes. I shit you not, I was ready to tear some heads off because people would start walking right in front of us and create a giant 30 foot wide baracade so we had to zig zag back and forth the entire race. I was about to yell “walkers move to the RIGHT!” until I realized I would look like an ass, oh, and also it was Thanksgiving…..whoopsies.

Before pic

Have I mentioned I am an angry runner? I was just so determined to run the entire way and I saw all these people as de-motivators. Like they were billboards saying “you should just walk, it is easier!”. I just wanted them out of my way. In retrospect I signed up for the wrong heat. I should have gone a couple of heats earlier, but I wasn’t certain when I signed up that I would be ready to run the whole way. I will know better next time.

After photo….sunbeams hiding how freaking red I am

Anyway, back to crazy life. I don’t really want to get too deep into it right now, but basically there are three major forces all impacting me at once:

  1. The job awesomeness
  2. A job prospect
  3. Oh and….Andy wants to move to Alaska…..and I kind of do too.

Basically I am a little like deer-in-the-headlights, just stunned and confused. I don’t know exactly what will happen, but I can say that changes appear to be inevitable. What they are though, I have no idea. Hang on to yer panties, these winds might get wild.

 

Maybe the Change is Here

Man I feel like a stood up prom date when it comes to this finding a new job thing. I feel like there have been so many amazing interviews and it feels like at the end of each one they are chomping at the bit and then I wait….and I wait…and I wait.

Basically I have deduced that these are all great people with so much to offer, but the timing is just really not right. Hopefully it is just for right now, hopefully if I hang out for a year or two and keep in contact that perfect/ideal/dream opportunity will pop.

But until then, I am finding myself re-dedicated to the here and now. I blame the Japanese for that one. I was watching a documentary and the subject said (loosely regurgitated by me) that you should dedicate every part of yourself to mastering your job. I have really been slacking on that….we should all be like that right? Fully dedicated to completely mastering our craft. Whatever that craft might be. I know I had a dry spell where I wasn’t present. I had even gotten to the point where, I will admit, I was not even interested in learning another thing about my current position. I was just ready to get out.

There is just something sexy about the whole starting fresh thing. I love to learn. LOVE IT. But I like to learn new things, about a plethora of different subjects….sitting at one job for 5 years just….well it was getting stale.

Well things have gotten un-stale and it is like I have turned a new leaf. I am finding myself challanged and engaged and…well overwhelmed at times, but that is good too. Shit has gotten a bit awesome around here and I am starting to wonder if I can turn this into what I want after all……we shall see.

Whoopsies

So I tend to inadvertently decide to write a super heavy post and then I disappear for a week. Whoopsies. Sorry about that. Basically that was just a 24 hour….actually like a 10 hour dark period and then it was like it never happened.

Thank you all for your amazing words of support via comment, via text, via e-mail, all that shit. You are awesome. I couldn’t buy better support (shhh your checks are in the mail…they aren’t linked to an active bank account, but I figured it would make everyone’s day to receive a check for $1 million dollars…..please don’t try to cash it).

Let’s see. I am trying to remember what all happened after that night. Andy and I went on a date after work the next day and we sort of talked about it. In a good, even-keeled sort of way. Bottom line is, shit is not all figured out, but all is well.

I had a business trip all last week. It went great…well minus the massive hangover I gave myself and the cough and runny nose I contracted, but whatcha gonna do? You win some you lose some.

I couldn’t wait to get home to my men. Jack is getting his 4th molar right now, so basically I returned in time to not sleep, but it was a weekend, so I appreciate his timing. I laid with him on my chest listening to him trying to breathe through his stuffy nose and remembering what it was like when he didn’t span from my collar bone all the way half-way down my thigh. Baby is getting big….not really a baby anymore.

Which brings up my last news of this post – acupuncture. An appointment has been made. I am hanging my flag of surrender and admitting that my body needs something a little extra to push it along. As much as I had hoped, I am not going to be like those whores I know who easily got pregnant with their #2s. But it seems only fair when you look at the big picture. I endured a few months of acupuncture with Jack and they all had to be poked and prodded and wanded. Some of them paying 20 times what I paid to get their little miracles. So I am glad they were total whores and got pregnant with #2 easily. I basically have to go lay on a table without pants on (score!) and listen to calming flute music, while a chick burns tiny aromatherapy cones over my ovaries and puts little pins all over. Man being a hippie is sorta awesome, but mostly hilarious.

I know we will all achieve the same end, even if our journeys are very different.

Well what fun would that be?

I think we all spend a good deal of time talking about our master plans. If I had $1 million dollars I would…If I could do anything with my life it would be…..Those conversations spark a renewed passion for me at least. Keep me excited about the “what if’s” in life.

In reality if things could go exactly like we want them to, then life would be boring….some might say awesome….but in reality without challenge it would be hard to appreciate the things we earn/achieve.

This is all warming up to say, I have news…..to my extreme disappointment I do not in fact have ze dream job…definitely not as of now anyway. Sure you could say perhaps things will be different in two months, but bottom line is…here I am…..same place I was months ago when this started.

I will be completely honest. Yesterday was not a good day. I was feeling trapped. I had a conversation with my boss that had me aching for the opportunity to submit my notice and I was wondering why in the hell I hadn’t heard a peep from ze dream firm after two phone calls and an e-mail. It had been two weeks. I needed something, even if it was just a ‘we need more time’. I was frustrated. Tears were escaping out of these holes in my face….I couldn’t stop them. I felt like what could I have possibly done wrong to be in this situation for a second time? To be offered a job and then….not.

This was all before I actually talked to ze dream job guy. My friends were awesomepants (as per usual). They stayed positive and tried to reassure me that he was just busy and not to be down about it. They encouraged me to call again. Once more.

First off, the office manager is amazing at ze dream firm. She not only reassured me to not give up hope last week, but gave me the inside track on when to call yesterday to talk to ze dream boss. Mostly I just wanted some communication….what I got was the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech…..damn that speech sucks ass.

Here’s the deal, unfortunately the timing just wasn’t aligning. Ze dream boss basically said he was delaying in the hopes that all the stars would align in time to hire me right away. Unfortunately, being an architecture firm right now is fucking ridiculously tough. A couple of their projects were put on hold just long enough to make him scramble to keep his current staff fully busy. Obviously he can’t bring a new person on if his current staff isn’t fully utilized. I get it……I really do……and it still royally sucks.

Obviously we’re staying in touch, maybe in a month the story will change, who knows? I can honestly say I really felt better after our conversation. Just knowing something was better than the worries that were going through my head.

Earlier that day my friends had suggested I start applying to other places…..I didn’t have enough hope at the time to even consider compiling another cover letter. I looked at another firm I had intended to pursue as a next step….I clicked to their “on the boards” page – where they would put their current and future projects….there was nothing up….not one project. What’s the point?

I decided maybe it was time to admit defeat. Maybe it was time to say ‘alright ze dream job isn’t going to happen this year….now what are you gonna do?’. I do honestly believe that there is a job for me at ze dream firm…..obviously now the question at the forefront of my mind is – is that a good idea for my family. I want to work for that firm more than I can really say, but is it a smart move? If they are struggling now, what’s to say they won’t struggle again three months after I start there?

Maybe ze dream job and I need another year. Maybe this is a sign that I need to look at what I have and be extraordinarily thankful. I mean whaaaa my boss annoys me sometimes – sometimes I want to tell myself to grow the eff up. Obviously my boss annoys me sometimes, everyone’s boss annoys them sometimes, some people’s bosses annoy them ALL the time, some people’s bosses are actually terrible people who manipulate them and abuse them. and whhhaaaaa this isn’t the job of my dreams. So the fuck what? Am I starving? Do I have to work outside in the 100+ degree weather for 12 hours a day to keep food in my fridge? no. I have a cush life. I can pay my bills and still afford to do really bizarre things like wax my ting tang.

I really have waaaayyyy more things to be thankful for than to be upset about. And I can honestly say I am okay with how things are right now. I am 5 months away from getting another week of vacation. I have been here long enough to feel confident in trying to make some adjustments to hopefully resolve the sucky aspects I run into…..starting with an e-mail I sent this morning (I don’t idle for long). Maybe I can make this work for a while longer….hell I know I can.

Maybe it is time to refocus myself….perhaps I can get pregnant. Perhaps I can have a second baby and still keep connections with this other firm, perhaps in a year the stars will all align and I will have ze dream job after all. I can wait for it…..it will be worth it.

Life is full of things that don’t go exactly our way, but if everything did, what would the fun in that be?