I really fucked up the other day. It was one of those things that I technically wasn’t wrong about (because how could I be wrong about anything?), but after it transpired I was like ‘eeerrrr that was horrific timing and I really wish I had just sucked it up, not said anything and just silently brewed on it trying to telepathically let Andy know I am upset’.
I don’t necessarily want to go too far into it, let’s just say Andy was at a low spot already, then I squished him down into the mud a bit, and then work came in with a backhoe and dumped more mud on top of him. So sure, via that analogy he would have been feeling bad and stressed and overwhelmed regardless, but I just wish I hadn’t been the one to add to it.
There are times like that though. Those times where you genuinely regret something you’ve done/said. Where you sit and think ‘shoot!’, but there is nothing you can really do to change it or make it right.
As my marriage gently creeps towards the 10 year mark, generally speaking you would think I would have figured things out by now. I certainly know that if I was an outsider looking in, I would assume that. In reality, I think I have even less of a clue of what I am doing then I did when we first exchanged our vows. Looking back, obviously I just thought I knew what I was doing, but at least I was sure of myself. Sure in the fact that I knew I was capable of being with this person and doing this marriage thing until he died of some undiagnosed illness (because the man refuses to go to a doctor).
To clarify, it isn’t that I find myself less capable of those things….it is just sometimes I fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I am doing more damage than good. You know? I mean I should be his shelter or safe harbor or some other analogy that is applicable here. But sometimes I look at myself in the hypothetical mirror and realize that I can be incredibly selfish. Not always intentionally, but sometimes yes, very intentionally.
I would say a good 75% of the time I want to do what I want to do. I wouldn’t say regardless of Andy’s wants and needs, but he can be so resistive to wanting to do things or even just coming up with ideas, that often times it is up to me. We’ve spent the majority of the last 13 years with him turning to me and saying ‘what do we have planned this weekend?’. And I’ve never minded that.
But I have also taken liberties. Because without him saying ‘oh you know what I really want to do this weekend? (blank)’ I have just always been doing the choosing. So of course, when you are the one choosing, you get to pick the stuff you want to do the most.
And after so many years, I am used to getting my way. So if I plan an activity and he doesn’t want to participate, then off I go. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is actually a good thing for married people to do things apart, I just find myself thinking ‘careful…..not too much’.
It is a weird balance that I feel like I am constantly trying to find. I’ll think I have it all figured out and then BAM! we’re tipping over. Marriage is like that though, I feel like it is the most difficult and unpredictable balancing act.
Anyway, all this rambling is to say that I need work. And I probably will have to continue to work at it until that undiagnosed disease shows up.
I think about all my friends and how I know their flaws and their downfalls and it is so easy to overlook or forgive them…..okay well it is more easy with some. But for some reason I find it the hardest to overlook and forgive Andy…when really he warrants it the most. So I’m going to work on that.
I am going to try not to freak out that his clean laundry is piled on top of the washer and dryer and it prevents me from being able to do any laundry myself. Because he just worked a 14 hour shift and I should be grateful that he chose to focus his energy on playing with Jack rather than worrying about the inconvenience he has caused me (GASP!) with his laundry.
Basically the gist is…..I am going to try harder.