Effing Up and Moving On

I really fucked up the other day. It was one of those things that I technically wasn’t wrong about (because how could I be wrong about anything?), but after it transpired I was like ‘eeerrrr that was horrific timing and I really wish I had just sucked it up, not said anything and just silently brewed on it trying to telepathically let Andy know I am upset’.

I don’t necessarily want to go too far into it, let’s just say Andy was at a low spot already, then I squished him down into the mud a bit, and then work came in with a backhoe and dumped more mud on top of him. So sure, via that analogy he would have been feeling bad and stressed and overwhelmed regardless, but I just wish I hadn’t been the one to add to it.

There are times like that though. Those times where you genuinely regret something you’ve done/said. Where you sit and think ‘shoot!’, but there is nothing you can really do to change it or make it right.

As my marriage gently creeps towards the 10 year mark, generally speaking you would think I would have figured things out by now. I certainly know that if I was an outsider looking in, I would assume that. In reality, I think I have even less of a clue of what I am doing then I did when we first exchanged our vows. Looking back, obviously I just thought I knew what I was doing, but at least I was sure of myself. Sure in the fact that I knew I was capable of being with this person and doing this marriage thing until he died of some undiagnosed illness (because the man refuses to go to a doctor).

To clarify, it isn’t that I find myself less capable of those things….it is just sometimes I fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I am doing more damage than good. You know? I mean I should be his shelter or safe harbor or some other analogy that is applicable here. But sometimes I look at myself in the hypothetical mirror and realize that I can be incredibly selfish. Not always intentionally, but sometimes yes, very intentionally.

I would say a good 75% of the time I want to do what I want to do. I wouldn’t say regardless of Andy’s wants and needs, but he can be so resistive to wanting to do things or even just coming up with ideas, that often times it is up to me. We’ve spent the majority of the last 13 years with him turning to me and saying ‘what do we have planned this weekend?’. And I’ve never minded that.

But I have also taken liberties. Because without him saying ‘oh you know what I really want to do this weekend? (blank)’ I have just always been doing the choosing. So of course, when you are the one choosing, you get to pick the stuff you want to do the most.

And after so many years, I am used to getting my way. So if I plan an activity and he doesn’t want to participate, then off I go. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is actually a good thing for married people to do things apart, I just find myself thinking ‘careful…..not too much’.

It is a weird balance that I feel like I am constantly trying to find. I’ll think I have it all figured out and then BAM! we’re tipping over. Marriage is like that though, I feel like it is the most difficult and unpredictable balancing act.

Anyway, all this rambling is to say that I need work. And I probably will have to continue to work at it until that undiagnosed disease shows up.

I think about all my friends and how I know their flaws and their downfalls and it is so easy to overlook or forgive them…..okay well it is more easy with some. But for some reason I find it the hardest to overlook and forgive Andy…when really he warrants it the most. So I’m going to work on that.

I am going to try not to freak out that his clean laundry is piled on top of the washer and dryer and it prevents me from being able to do any laundry myself. Because he just worked a 14 hour shift and I should be grateful that he chose to focus his energy on playing with Jack rather than worrying about the inconvenience he has caused me (GASP!) with his laundry.

Basically the gist is…..I am going to try harder.

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Reconnect

So I know on January 1st everyone reflects on the failings/short-comings of the past year and tries to improve on them, therefore me doing this now, is like me being the last one to the party…..but the party was a month ago and the occupants of the house moved to a new state. Hello! I am finally here.

I think as we become parents…well really just as we grow up as human beings, regardless of parenting – we are constantly recalibrating our lives. Trying to find the perfect balance of things. It is really only through trial and error that we find a balance. And then we think we’ve got it and then we tip over again….or at least that is how my life goes.

Wanting the most out of life often means sacrifices are made in certain areas and I will admit right now that Andy often gets the short-end of the stick. He doesn’t always get the best of me and in a way, that makes sense. It makes sense that Andy is the most understanding and adaptable and can roll with the punches of life. But that doesn’t mean it is always fair.

With my new career direction, I decided it was also time to make sure this period of time isn’t “all about me”. Because it isn’t. This is obviously a very exciting time for me and I have thanked Andy profusely for coming with me on this long journey that is life, and for supporting me and pushing me and all that smushy-wooshy stuff. But telling him is only a one-part component. We can’t just say, we also must do!

Friday I decided to be sick…I am getting all brave now that there are very few consequences. Take that…boss who doesn’t really care!

We dropped Jack at daycare, rented snowshoes and set off on an adventure, just the two of us. Adventures always have to have starbucks, chips and cliff bars. I don’t make the rules people, I just share those rules with you. We went up to a hike we had done two July’s ago with my dad. There was comfort in that we were familiar with the area, but there was newness in the fact that a coat of snow makes everything new and different.

We meandered up the mountain and took the opportunity, when the trail was wide enough, to hold hands as we trudged along. I can’t tell you the last time we actually held hands for an extended period of time. But it felt so sweet. When you spend 13 years with someone, things like holding hands while you walk can slip through the cracks. So can things like, taking a picture together…. I don’t remember the last picture we had together with just the two of us.

photo

Until now that is! Look…so cute….doesn’t it just make you want to barf with the cuteness?

After our adventure we declared every Friday – Date Day. Although Fridays from here on out are just going to be half days….unfortunately I can’t be sick every Friday and still keep a job up. Lame. But 4 hours per week dedicated to just us will help keep the sparks alive, or at least that is the hope. I told Andy that my new observation about marriage is that you have to keep trying things until you find what works. And you have to keep at it until you die…..which was supposed to sound uplifting, but came off sounding a little depressing. Bahhaa I guess I should take “being a philosopher” off of my resume after that one.

The good news is, our Friday time led into Saturday and we *GASP* held hands for a little while again on Saturday! Can you believe it? Hand holding…..how 6th grade of us.

The Thing About Installing a Toilet….

You might not know this, but I am handy……okay well actually….I guess not handy per se. I am just ambitious. Yes that is more accurate. I don’t believe there is much around the house that I can’t do with proper time spent in a hardware store. That being said, sometimes this involves 3 trips to the hardware store and a stack of items to return once the project is complete. But, in the end, it all boils down to me being handy! So YAY!

We actually got a shit ton of stuff done this weekend. First up was a much-needed and wonderful date day with the doodalood. We pretty much have a date day every Friday between noon and Jack-retrieval time, but this last one was especially fun. This is what happens when we have a “man-themed” date:

Andy's voyageterrifying

herb

I am sure you all have experiences consisting of “an afternoon doing activities my husband picks out”. Well that was it. Good times. And I am not saying that sarcastically. It actually was fun and hilarious.

So our home improvement-related projects last weekend consisted of:

  • finally installing the rest of the DVD racks we bought 2 months ago
  • finally installing the clothes-drying rack I bought 3 months ago
  • re-hanging a door on our utility room cabinet that Andy ripped off with his huge man muscles
  • putting up one of those broom/mop rack thingies to hang your brooms and mops from the wall
  • making some toilet adjustments

When you look at it all together, basically we sound like super-homeowners. Of course when you consider we could have done this stuff right when we bought the parts….we look like lazy-ass homeowners.

So the toilet – I have decided that it would be almost comical if I wrote an article for like Better Homes and Gardens on how to fix toilet problems yourself. But I am feeling like it would be wildly inappropriate to populate the pages of the magazine with pictures of what your toilet really looks like in the areas you can’t clean next to the images of “Fun Fall Cookies!” or “Savory Winter Casseroles”.

Working on your toilet is probably up there on the list of most disgusting things you could do with your hands. And I am a pretty cleanly person. I clean that bitch often and with plenty of bleach. But there is still grossness. Especially when you have to reset your toilet, which is one of the things we did.

When you are standing in the plumbing aisle, looking at a box labeled “wax ring” you are looking at a brand new clean item. It doesn’t really give you an idea of what your eyes will see when they discover the “old wax ring”. But let me just say…you will need gloves. And it is probably best if you have spent the last 22 months of your life changing a child’s diaper, because then, and only then, will you be able to do what you need to do to complete the job.

Basically the toilet issues we had included a slow drip of water constantly running into the bowl from the tank (culprit – worn out pump componentry) and when the plumber came out last time to check our sewer line (which we have done about every two years – YAY for 50+ year old houses!) he didn’t change the wax ring, so the toilet wobbled when you sat down. Both of these things, in my mind, were super-easy-squeezy do-it-yourselfer type things. Which technically they were….but they were also gross.

We removed the toilet….wait! am I writing a do-it-yourself post? in that case:

1) turn off water and flush

2) scoop water in bowl that doesn’t flush using a red dixie cup into a bucket..remember when those red dixie cups were for beer pong? Yeah well now they are for scooping toilet water into a bucket. Welcome to adult-hood

3) go get every old towel you own…hopefully you have like 4 of those…don’t use the nice ones

4)unscrew toilet base and get your husband to help you lift it up and off the screw posts.

Awesome! Now you get to see the grossness! That wax ring is there for a purpose. It basically acts as a moldable washer between the floor flange and the hole in the bottom of your toilet. So basically poop and pee touch that sucker….eeewww!!!!! Basically it doesn’t look like the brand new one you just pulled out of the box. Oh and it is wax and squished down, so you have to not only touch it, but tediously scrape it off the floor flange.

Here’s where those gloves come in handy! Put them suckers on.

5)find a wax scraping tool. In our case, Andy came back down with a NY motorcycle license plate (add that to your list of tools that you need). Also get some of those plastic grocery bags that you shoved in a box under your kitchen sink. You wonder why you save those things? This is why.

The funny part is, that you would think that the thing making this process extra gross is the potential smell. Turns out – it doesn’t smell. Thank the heavens…..well at least our open sewer line didn’t smell….it is probably because our shit doesn’t actually stink. So you can never yell at me “don’t act like your shit don’t stink!” because mine actually doesn’t.

Alright so after you have scraped all that wax crap out using your trusty license plate, seal off the plastic bag of atrocities, and now it is time to install the new one! YAY!

So you kind of have to tip your toilet to the side and stick the new one to the bottom of the bowl and then set it onto the flange…we decided this would be better to do if we removed the tank.

6) remove your tank (you will need your towels for this part too!). Realize the bolts and washers that connect the tank to the bowl are super rusty and it might be worth $4 to replace that hardware and not have to do this type of toilet reconstruction again anytime soon.

7) go back to the hardware store….WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!!! Even though you were wearing gloves. Still wash the thoughts off your hands.

8) Stop for a small malt. This project burns major calories and you need to replenish and maintain your strength.

9) After and ONLY AFTER you finish your malt, go back to the project.

10) Reset your toilet with the new wax seal. This is easiest to do if your partner holds the bowl up, with you in a “duck and cover” position on the floor between his legs, and you guide it down onto the screw posts…I am just trying to save you guys time by telling you exactly what works.

11) Now the fun part, squish that sucker onto the wax ring! This is accomplished by both you and your “master plumbing” partner leaning, sitting, and wiggling the bowl downward to get that wax sucker to mold into the perfect seal position. Again it is best if you are still kneeling on the floor between his legs…don’t ask me why this is best, just take my word for it.

12) Screw the base back in. I don’t know why the screw posts are 4 inches long when all you need is 1/2″ probably so your toddler can stab themselves in the eye with them later, but putting the nuts (hahah nuts) back on will take you a good 20 minutes. Once they are hand tightened, carefully tighten them down using a wrench (look real tools!). Not too tight, as the directions warrant….also WTF does “not too tight” mean? Who knows? You just need to use those years of plumbing know-how to tell you when you’ve reached that point.

Woohooo!!! You’re half-way done! Not to mention all the way done with the gross part.

The tank pump.

13) Have a short argument/discussion with your master plumbing partner as to whether it is better to install the new pump while the tank is still detached or after it has been reattached to the bowl. Then go with his suggestion of reattaching it and let him realize how wrong he was when he is crouched down trying to screw the plastic nut (hahah nut) in on the bottom of the tank later. Note to self – you are always right.

14) Uninstall the old pump parts and reconnect the tank to the bowl with your new bolts and rubber washers. Ahhh shiny and new!

15) Let your master plumbing partner install the new pump parts and crouch under and behind the tank to screw on the plastic nut (hahah nut). Go upstairs and get a drink of water and smile at yourself knowing that he made it harder.

16) Come back downstairs to oversee the reattachment of the water line and turn on the water.

VOILA!!! you have now fixed your toilet! Hope you’ve enjoyed this how-to-pretend-you-are-actually-a-plumber guide to fixing a few toilet problems! Happy plumbing everyone!

(Pictures not taken because that would be fucking disgusting!)

The Great White North

I think I mentioned about 80 years ago, how this is a big year….alright you got me, I wasn’t alive 80 years ago. It is our 30.30.10 year, aka the year Andy and I both turn 30 and we celebrate our 10th anniversary…..it might be ridiculous to clarify this, but by “this is the year” I sort of just mean a 12 month period. It actually spans from 2012-2013 if you want to get technical about it….and maybe you do. In which case, there’s the information you need.  Basically this year we okay I wanted to do something BIG like Bigger than BIG.

The original “plan” (which was no plan at all more just my brain ramblings of places we could go), was Cape Town….I would still LOOOoooovveee to do that…..someday. The truth is, we have a kid! Who knew? There was no easy way of thinking about Africa with a two year old. We were either looking at leaving him for 12ish days, asking others to get him too/from daycare or to take off work, or take him with us on a 23-ish-hour one way trip….eerrrrr…..now I love my kid and I know he is awesome, but I also admit that he has his limits. And I am more than certain those limits end way before the 23 hours of travel mark.

Also there’s this other thing, perhaps you’ve heard of it?, money. So you have to have shit tons of money to get to Cape Town…namely about $2K per person just for the flights. I was all about breaking out the old credit card for this one and then something weird happened when I turned 30…I grew up. Whoa. Sad to admit this, but I realized having credit card debt looming over you at all times sucks total ass (have I mentioned how my blog is now blocked from some computers and it lists it as “pornographic”….and I see that as a bit of an accomplishment….Could be the language).

Thinking about adding $6-10K onto a credit card just seemed like the stupidest idea in the whole world. So…I sort of pushed South Africa onto the back burner for a sec and looked at other options.

Then something amazing happened, which I wrote about yesterday, work got awesomesauce. I found out I would be working on some seriously amazing new projects and one of them happens to be in the Great White North, i.e. Alaska. Andy and I have always wanted to go to Alaska, hell we’ve even considered moving to Alaska. So when the opportunity to go came up, I decided this was my 30.30.10 trip opportunity.

It perhaps isn’t as sexy and exotic as two weeks in South Africa, but considering 1/2 the trip will be paid for…I am thinking it is pretty sexy and exotic looking now. All this is to say that we are leaving for Alaska in 4 days. Yep Alaska in November, that is our big amazing trip. I can’t guarantee that we will ever come back. We might just stay there….although they did just pass that pot thing in Colorado…sooo…..

I promise to tell you all about it….or aboot it because Alaska is basically Canada right? wink wink 🙂 I have to say my main goal is to try and see the Aurora Borealis. I hear this is supposed to be one of the best years for it, but the chances are so low it is almost discouraging….but maybe just maybe we will see it. A girl can dream.

Whoopsies

So I tend to inadvertently decide to write a super heavy post and then I disappear for a week. Whoopsies. Sorry about that. Basically that was just a 24 hour….actually like a 10 hour dark period and then it was like it never happened.

Thank you all for your amazing words of support via comment, via text, via e-mail, all that shit. You are awesome. I couldn’t buy better support (shhh your checks are in the mail…they aren’t linked to an active bank account, but I figured it would make everyone’s day to receive a check for $1 million dollars…..please don’t try to cash it).

Let’s see. I am trying to remember what all happened after that night. Andy and I went on a date after work the next day and we sort of talked about it. In a good, even-keeled sort of way. Bottom line is, shit is not all figured out, but all is well.

I had a business trip all last week. It went great…well minus the massive hangover I gave myself and the cough and runny nose I contracted, but whatcha gonna do? You win some you lose some.

I couldn’t wait to get home to my men. Jack is getting his 4th molar right now, so basically I returned in time to not sleep, but it was a weekend, so I appreciate his timing. I laid with him on my chest listening to him trying to breathe through his stuffy nose and remembering what it was like when he didn’t span from my collar bone all the way half-way down my thigh. Baby is getting big….not really a baby anymore.

Which brings up my last news of this post – acupuncture. An appointment has been made. I am hanging my flag of surrender and admitting that my body needs something a little extra to push it along. As much as I had hoped, I am not going to be like those whores I know who easily got pregnant with their #2s. But it seems only fair when you look at the big picture. I endured a few months of acupuncture with Jack and they all had to be poked and prodded and wanded. Some of them paying 20 times what I paid to get their little miracles. So I am glad they were total whores and got pregnant with #2 easily. I basically have to go lay on a table without pants on (score!) and listen to calming flute music, while a chick burns tiny aromatherapy cones over my ovaries and puts little pins all over. Man being a hippie is sorta awesome, but mostly hilarious.

I know we will all achieve the same end, even if our journeys are very different.

Not Strong Enough Today

There are those days where things get way down to depths you didn’t expect and you find yourself feeling like the wind was knocked out of you as you were just strolling along. These days happen to all of us. I have come to appreciate them as a sort of Karmic balance. Things can’t always be up, unfortunately, they sometimes have to come down.

I was certainly not expecting what happened yesterday. I had an amazing day at work. My project outlook is really promising, I had a serious discussion with my boss about possible article ideas that these projects have inspired and found myself full of passion for my job for the first time in a while. I started thinking maybe just maybe I can find what I am looking for right in front of my face.

When I got in my car to head home, the world was my oyster….at least it was my oyster for the first half of the day. My aunt had texted me a few days before to tell me the transition for C.G. was going slowly and she gave me her new phone number. I decided to try her on my ride home….I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy talk, but I wasn’t expecting what happened.

C.G. started out by saying ‘I don’t know why I am here and no one will sit down and tell me’. So I told her what happened with the hospital and how the family wanted her down there where more people could look after her, etc. She would go around and around about how she understood and then go back to ‘I don’t understand what I did to deserve this’. She talked about it as if it were a punishment and ‘they put her away!’. She talked about how horrible the place was, how she couldn’t leave on her own, no one was there to take her outside, she couldn’t eat with these people who can’t even feed themselves, etc. The conversation went on and by the end she was in tears telling me she wants to come home, she wants to go to the nursing home here, where she had always planned to go, and she wants to be near me, her real family. She kept saying how the people down there weren’t her family, etc…..it was really terrible. I tried my best to explain what was going on to her and assure her that her house was still here and no one had done anything to her house, etc. That she wasn’t trapped down there, they just wanted her nearby for a while….I think I might have messed up with that part.

I felt really helpless though. What do you tell your grandma when she says ‘I want to come home’? I couldn’t tell her that she can’t come home….I just don’t have the ability to say that to her. I told her the only thing I could think of…..the most passive aggressive stance a person can take, really….the chicken shit way out – Okay Grandma I will talk to dad. Yeahhh…because we all know that will make it better….damn it Natalie….

I called my dad right after, he was at work, so I called his wife. We talked for a bit and deduced this was part of the transition, etc. Obviously by saying she wants to come home she means she wants to come back to her house. If we moved her to the nursing home here she would still be going through this same transition and to be honest, the facility here is not that nice. It isn’t awful, but it definitely isn’t as nice as the place she is at now.

I talked to my uncle and aunt this morniong. I spoke with them for a while and what it all boils down to is manipulation. C.G. was trying to manipulate me. The people there are all still functioning independently. It is more of an apartment complex for retired people than what she was describing. They can leave and go places any time they want. In fact a neighbor took grandma shopping a couple of days ago. The people can feed themselves just fine and she has been attending the activities there….basically I am a big old pawn. She played me like a fiddle…and I offered her up the bow.

I felt infinitely better after talking to my aunt and uncle. I feel absolutely terrible for them. My uncle is the villan here. My grandmother doesn’t even want to see him she is so angry that ‘he tried to confuse me and put me away!’. Poor guy. The one who stepped up with a proposed solution, the one who came up to see her about once a month if not more. I feel genuinely bad for him.

I really do see both sides. On the one hand, I wish we had just moved her to the nursing home she wanted. Sure we’d probably still be dealing with some of this stuff, but maybe then no one person would be the villan. Maybe it would have been a bit easier…who knows. What I do know is I need to be crystal clear in my will or something of where I want to go and probably I need to put myself there well before I think I need to go.

But back to yesterday. After my talk with Grandma I was an emotional wreck by the time I walked in the door. I talked to Andy about it and we ate dinner, laughed at Jack and his newfound love for dried cranberries “more more more more” (which come out the same way they go in). We turned on some stand-up and were just sitting around…..then shit went wrong.

I can’t fully explain what happened. Andy sort of has this amazing ability to pick fights. Not just with me, with everyone. I have told him this is why he should become a lawyer because he likes to fight about anything and everything. He doesn’t even care which side you are on, he will argue the other, even if deep down he agrees with you. He just likes to argue. It is like the challenge sparks him.

So anyway he picked an arbitrary fight. I got pissed and decided the best thing was to go to bed…it being a work night and me reaching my capacity. But Andy doesn’t always let things end. He followed me downstairs and continued to tout his stance. I continued to defend myself and try to get him to back down. Then things got ugly. He opened up some old scars basically. Obviously I am neglectful and not loving enough – that is the gist of it. I called bullshit and gates were opened. Suddenly I am staring at a scene I can’t explain.

One of the strongest people I know is standing in front of me the most vulnerable I have ever seen him and I am hitting a brick wall. He won’t come near me, he won’t let me in. He was standing there 15 feet away, but it felt like 500. The only thing I can do after this sort of thing is to try to rationalize what was happening. So here it is…maybe way off base, but here it is:

There is deep dark damage in there. Damage that I might never be able to touch. Even if I could touch it, I am not sure how I could help. Andy doesn’t like realizing that he is in someway damaged. It turns him into a wounded predator who’s only card to play is to attack.

This isn’t the only time I have peeked into that darkness and I know it won’t be the last. It happens every so often. It is the reason he drinks, it is the reason he will talk to his best friend for hours on end out in the garage, it is also the reason he has trouble making new friends. The two people closest to him are the two people that were there. There through the darkness. I get to know pieces of things because I was sorta there. I was at home, worrying and working and trying to keep believing that someday he would come home. I earned the right to know some of it, but I don’t know all of it. And he reminded me last night that I never will. That it wouldn’t do me any good to know and despite my protests, he doesn’t believe it will do him any good either to tell me.

But how could he ever get close to anyone else? How could anyone ever understand what he has been through and how could he relate to anyone who hasn’t done the things he’s done? I think that is where he stands. I think that is why, despite how I try to encourage him to hang out with new acquaintances he meets, he repels against the idea.

It is rough….this situation is rough. Believe me this dark is always smothered out by the light that occurs in our life together. I know that our tiny bandit is slowly working his charm into Andy’s life and healing some of the things that neither of us thought could be healed. Andy has smiled more and enjoyed more than I have seen in a really long time. I know Jack has been good for him. Shown him that he has the ability to do wonderful things despite his past. Shown him that it is okay to be silly and dance and show love….

But when things get to the place they got last night, I can’t help but feel that maybe – despite what I tell myself – I am not strong enough. I let him say whatever he needs to say to get to the point where he will admit this isn’t about us. This is about him. Even though the path to get to that point almost always means he tries to shove me the farthest possible distance. Even when I want to be like ‘fuck it you’re right, we’re fucked’ I think no this is a defense mechanism this isn’t about you. And so I stick to him like glue….I am the most annoying person in the world to him I am sure.

All he wants is to bite and get away and here I am standing there letting him bite me with my arms wrapped as tightly around him as possible. I get it. I am a pest. But that is all I can do. That is the only way for me to get through it. To try to turn the situation in where I feel completely hopeless into a situation where no matter what he says I tell him and show him that I am not going anywhere.  Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough….but I keep on telling myself that I am.

A Want Ad

Wanted: Man-friends for my husband so I don’t have to pretend like I know what he is talking about when he comes home excited that his 451 Cleveland motor does some sort of special magic tricks or something and that he is more in love with Herb every day and that Herb needs his own Christmas present because he is now a member of the family and does such-and-such bronco website have a “wishlist” option like amazon? and oil changes are now super critical because of some-reason-or-another….man-friends please come to my rescue!

I really just don’t think I have the ability to dispense the adequate amount of emotion when I don’t know what Andy is talking about. I want to be able to display an adequate amount of concern when I hear that some component might need replacing soon. Or get insanely excited when he tells me how awesome some doo-dad is, but what is really going on is this.

I Hear: Blah blah blah blah

I See: mouth moving, words coming out

I Say to Myself: Wow I should probably know what is going on here considering we have been together for 13 years…..nope still don’t know what he is saying….hmmm does his inflection suggest something bad or something good? quick say something ‘Oh awesome!’….nope he saw right through that….’so that’s neat’….hmm that seemed to work kind of. Man there has to be someone somewhere who would know what he is saying. I need to find that person and pay them to take over right now.

I mean I seriously try here people. I do. I get the general idea of how engines work and what not, but when he starts talking about gear ratios and other technical things my mind just shuts down. As if it is allergic to car talk or something. I want to be more interested in it, I am just not. *sigh*

Anyone have a spare man-friend around that I could borrow?