Effing Up and Moving On

I really fucked up the other day. It was one of those things that I technically wasn’t wrong about (because how could I be wrong about anything?), but after it transpired I was like ‘eeerrrr that was horrific timing and I really wish I had just sucked it up, not said anything and just silently brewed on it trying to telepathically let Andy know I am upset’.

I don’t necessarily want to go too far into it, let’s just say Andy was at a low spot already, then I squished him down into the mud a bit, and then work came in with a backhoe and dumped more mud on top of him. So sure, via that analogy he would have been feeling bad and stressed and overwhelmed regardless, but I just wish I hadn’t been the one to add to it.

There are times like that though. Those times where you genuinely regret something you’ve done/said. Where you sit and think ‘shoot!’, but there is nothing you can really do to change it or make it right.

As my marriage gently creeps towards the 10 year mark, generally speaking you would think I would have figured things out by now. I certainly know that if I was an outsider looking in, I would assume that. In reality, I think I have even less of a clue of what I am doing then I did when we first exchanged our vows. Looking back, obviously I just thought I knew what I was doing, but at least I was sure of myself. Sure in the fact that I knew I was capable of being with this person and doing this marriage thing until he died of some undiagnosed illness (because the man refuses to go to a doctor).

To clarify, it isn’t that I find myself less capable of those things….it is just sometimes I fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I am doing more damage than good. You know? I mean I should be his shelter or safe harbor or some other analogy that is applicable here. But sometimes I look at myself in the hypothetical mirror and realize that I can be incredibly selfish. Not always intentionally, but sometimes yes, very intentionally.

I would say a good 75% of the time I want to do what I want to do. I wouldn’t say regardless of Andy’s wants and needs, but he can be so resistive to wanting to do things or even just coming up with ideas, that often times it is up to me. We’ve spent the majority of the last 13 years with him turning to me and saying ‘what do we have planned this weekend?’. And I’ve never minded that.

But I have also taken liberties. Because without him saying ‘oh you know what I really want to do this weekend? (blank)’ I have just always been doing the choosing. So of course, when you are the one choosing, you get to pick the stuff you want to do the most.

And after so many years, I am used to getting my way. So if I plan an activity and he doesn’t want to participate, then off I go. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is actually a good thing for married people to do things apart, I just find myself thinking ‘careful…..not too much’.

It is a weird balance that I feel like I am constantly trying to find. I’ll think I have it all figured out and then BAM! we’re tipping over. Marriage is like that though, I feel like it is the most difficult and unpredictable balancing act.

Anyway, all this rambling is to say that I need work. And I probably will have to continue to work at it until that undiagnosed disease shows up.

I think about all my friends and how I know their flaws and their downfalls and it is so easy to overlook or forgive them…..okay well it is more easy with some. But for some reason I find it the hardest to overlook and forgive Andy…when really he warrants it the most. So I’m going to work on that.

I am going to try not to freak out that his clean laundry is piled on top of the washer and dryer and it prevents me from being able to do any laundry myself. Because he just worked a 14 hour shift and I should be grateful that he chose to focus his energy on playing with Jack rather than worrying about the inconvenience he has caused me (GASP!) with his laundry.

Basically the gist is…..I am going to try harder.

Because Let’s Be Honest – It’s Still Chocolate

I sometimes wonder the lengths I would go to eat chocolate. And thinking about it always leads into “challenge mode” where you think of a bunch of different scenarios and ask yourself if you would still go for it.

For example, on a normal day, say you find yourself in a gas station bathroom, it appears to be well-maintained, but in your head you just know that it isn’t that clean. So what if your favorite candy bar is laying on the floor. Let’s assume it just casually fell out of someone’s purse. But it’s still in the wrapper. What do you think? Would you go for it?

I mean potentially you could wash the outside of the wrapper off and be on your merry way. Okay now let’s up the ante.

Out of the wrapper? ewww hells no! Right! My thought as well, just go into the gas station and buy your own. But wait! What if all the chocolate in the world is gone. This is the last piece….now what?

Well I can tell you one thing, if it is the last piece of chocolate on earth, I might be less inclined to worry about how clean the floor might be…..I might even go so far as to think a dirty floor would be worth it. Just to be happy that one last time. Hell, maybe I would even be okay with it if it wasn’t my favorite kind of candy. I could get some sort of shot after eating it anyway. So no big deal.

Now before you freak out, don’t worry I didn’t eat anything off the floor of a bathroom. Ewww!

But I did bring in the leftover pinata candy to work yesterday. Because let’s be honest. If it is in the house, I will eat it and Andy won’t help. Jack will help, but not at the speed or proportion that must happen to prevent the majority of the leftovers from implanting themselves onto my ass. So I unselfishly brought it in, along with the top-tier of Jack’s birthday cake….say what? you had a tiered birthday cake for your seemingly low-key party?.

Listen I understand how crazy it sounds, but this is what happens when your BFF makes delicious and amazing cakes and approaches you like ‘well if you don’t have a specific idea for Jack’s cake, I will just do something fun, do you trust me?’. Then all of a sudden you have an amazing cake that makes your “simple and laid back party” look anything but…..also when you decide last-minute that you need to make bear cookies….I am a sick sick person. Acknowledged and now we’re moving on.733776_10200421119564284_779968764_n

See not that crazy, so let’s calm down.

Anyway, leftover pinata candy – refocus.

So the first few hours after bringing the candy in, no one had really touched it. But as the day went on, the selection dwindled. Well this morning I walk into the break room to see a few tootsie rolls and some almond joys.

Two hours later – one tootsie roll pop and 3 almond joys….those bastards ate all my candy! Can you believe it? So I did what anyone might do – I popped an almond joy in my mouth. Because even though it isn’t my favorite, let’s be honest, it’s still chocolate.

The Break Up

My boss finally came back to work….and I worked up the courage to tell him. It actually wasn’t so much courage. I basically almost blacked out as I walked into his office and shut the door. I think I was on auto-pilot at that point. He started saying ‘oh no…noo….I don’t want to hear this…what?…what are you about to tell me?’…..basically it was bad. It was terrible….

I told my friends I might develop PTSD from the experience. He said things like ‘could I have done something different?’, ‘did I do something wrong?’…oh god….just thinking about it makes me shiver with sadness.

I realized after it was over (which is hilarious to say because it is nowhere near over yet) that I basically just broke up with my boss. I had the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. The ‘you are great…but I need to do this for me’. Ugh it just sucks. I was sitting in his office and about 2 second away from saying ‘you know what? forget it, I will just do both! I can do both jobs, who needs sleep? or time with their family? not me!’

Fortunately I didn’t do that. Yesterday I felt like a bag of ass. I wanted to throw up, I wanted to rescind my resignation and just call this whole dream business off. Today has gotten better. I think probably it has to do with my boss having talked to his wife. I love her too and I can just imagine her telling him that this is something he should want for me…..I know that is what I would do if Andy ever came home from a similar day.

I feel terrible still – I think I broke my boss. He left early yesterday and again today. Sort of a desperate need to get away from me maybe….which sucks. But he also put on a good face for me today and started busting my balls. So that is a good sign. But we’ve also decided that he is going through the stages of grief. For example:

  • you can’t leave – resignation denied! there! I can do that. (Anger/Denial)
  • if I can’t have you no one can…I will just strangle you, that’s what I will do (is violence a stage?)
  • well we will just buy that company (is this bargaining?)
  • I am putting out an ad right now for someone to take that job out from under you (Denial again)
  • you can’t divorce me! I am divorcing you!
  • we are not talking
  • hope you have fun crawling around in the lead paint chips and pigeon poop (is ridicule a stage?)
  • do you have Birkenstocks? you will need some (ridicule again)
  • (on the phone with other offices) she is going off to follow her dreams…yeah she went to school for it and has always wanted to do it….but I came back, so she will too (glimmer of acceptance, then back to denial)

No, he teased me a lot today and I genuinely am concerned that I won’t be here to take care of him, but this is probably a healthy thing for me. I can’t sacrifice my dreams because I am worried about letting other people down….I mean I will still worry, but I have to believe that everyone here will be just fine without me……

Today has been better in that we’ve had a lot of fun talking about it, I feel relief in knowing that the telling him part is out-of-the-way, and everyone I’ve told has been genuinely happy for me. It sucks to leave these people.

They are some of the best people I have ever worked with…and if I could take them all with me I totally would. Don’t ask me what a bunch of nerdy pavement engineers are going to do with historic buildings, but I could probably figure out a way to make that work. hahaha.

I am happy…mostly…but part of me is facing the grim reality that in a few weeks I am going to have to walk out of this office and never come back. I want desperately to see these people again. I have already told them all ‘we will still hang out!’….the whole ‘we will still be friends’ statement.

I know better….I will give it a good effort, but I know it won’t sustain forever. At least not with everyone. It sucks to leave part of my village behind.

….Starting to think faking my own death was the way to go with this one.

The Thing About Installing a Toilet….

You might not know this, but I am handy……okay well actually….I guess not handy per se. I am just ambitious. Yes that is more accurate. I don’t believe there is much around the house that I can’t do with proper time spent in a hardware store. That being said, sometimes this involves 3 trips to the hardware store and a stack of items to return once the project is complete. But, in the end, it all boils down to me being handy! So YAY!

We actually got a shit ton of stuff done this weekend. First up was a much-needed and wonderful date day with the doodalood. We pretty much have a date day every Friday between noon and Jack-retrieval time, but this last one was especially fun. This is what happens when we have a “man-themed” date:

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I am sure you all have experiences consisting of “an afternoon doing activities my husband picks out”. Well that was it. Good times. And I am not saying that sarcastically. It actually was fun and hilarious.

So our home improvement-related projects last weekend consisted of:

  • finally installing the rest of the DVD racks we bought 2 months ago
  • finally installing the clothes-drying rack I bought 3 months ago
  • re-hanging a door on our utility room cabinet that Andy ripped off with his huge man muscles
  • putting up one of those broom/mop rack thingies to hang your brooms and mops from the wall
  • making some toilet adjustments

When you look at it all together, basically we sound like super-homeowners. Of course when you consider we could have done this stuff right when we bought the parts….we look like lazy-ass homeowners.

So the toilet – I have decided that it would be almost comical if I wrote an article for like Better Homes and Gardens on how to fix toilet problems yourself. But I am feeling like it would be wildly inappropriate to populate the pages of the magazine with pictures of what your toilet really looks like in the areas you can’t clean next to the images of “Fun Fall Cookies!” or “Savory Winter Casseroles”.

Working on your toilet is probably up there on the list of most disgusting things you could do with your hands. And I am a pretty cleanly person. I clean that bitch often and with plenty of bleach. But there is still grossness. Especially when you have to reset your toilet, which is one of the things we did.

When you are standing in the plumbing aisle, looking at a box labeled “wax ring” you are looking at a brand new clean item. It doesn’t really give you an idea of what your eyes will see when they discover the “old wax ring”. But let me just say…you will need gloves. And it is probably best if you have spent the last 22 months of your life changing a child’s diaper, because then, and only then, will you be able to do what you need to do to complete the job.

Basically the toilet issues we had included a slow drip of water constantly running into the bowl from the tank (culprit – worn out pump componentry) and when the plumber came out last time to check our sewer line (which we have done about every two years – YAY for 50+ year old houses!) he didn’t change the wax ring, so the toilet wobbled when you sat down. Both of these things, in my mind, were super-easy-squeezy do-it-yourselfer type things. Which technically they were….but they were also gross.

We removed the toilet….wait! am I writing a do-it-yourself post? in that case:

1) turn off water and flush

2) scoop water in bowl that doesn’t flush using a red dixie cup into a bucket..remember when those red dixie cups were for beer pong? Yeah well now they are for scooping toilet water into a bucket. Welcome to adult-hood

3) go get every old towel you own…hopefully you have like 4 of those…don’t use the nice ones

4)unscrew toilet base and get your husband to help you lift it up and off the screw posts.

Awesome! Now you get to see the grossness! That wax ring is there for a purpose. It basically acts as a moldable washer between the floor flange and the hole in the bottom of your toilet. So basically poop and pee touch that sucker….eeewww!!!!! Basically it doesn’t look like the brand new one you just pulled out of the box. Oh and it is wax and squished down, so you have to not only touch it, but tediously scrape it off the floor flange.

Here’s where those gloves come in handy! Put them suckers on.

5)find a wax scraping tool. In our case, Andy came back down with a NY motorcycle license plate (add that to your list of tools that you need). Also get some of those plastic grocery bags that you shoved in a box under your kitchen sink. You wonder why you save those things? This is why.

The funny part is, that you would think that the thing making this process extra gross is the potential smell. Turns out – it doesn’t smell. Thank the heavens…..well at least our open sewer line didn’t smell….it is probably because our shit doesn’t actually stink. So you can never yell at me “don’t act like your shit don’t stink!” because mine actually doesn’t.

Alright so after you have scraped all that wax crap out using your trusty license plate, seal off the plastic bag of atrocities, and now it is time to install the new one! YAY!

So you kind of have to tip your toilet to the side and stick the new one to the bottom of the bowl and then set it onto the flange…we decided this would be better to do if we removed the tank.

6) remove your tank (you will need your towels for this part too!). Realize the bolts and washers that connect the tank to the bowl are super rusty and it might be worth $4 to replace that hardware and not have to do this type of toilet reconstruction again anytime soon.

7) go back to the hardware store….WASH YOUR HANDS FIRST!!! Even though you were wearing gloves. Still wash the thoughts off your hands.

8) Stop for a small malt. This project burns major calories and you need to replenish and maintain your strength.

9) After and ONLY AFTER you finish your malt, go back to the project.

10) Reset your toilet with the new wax seal. This is easiest to do if your partner holds the bowl up, with you in a “duck and cover” position on the floor between his legs, and you guide it down onto the screw posts…I am just trying to save you guys time by telling you exactly what works.

11) Now the fun part, squish that sucker onto the wax ring! This is accomplished by both you and your “master plumbing” partner leaning, sitting, and wiggling the bowl downward to get that wax sucker to mold into the perfect seal position. Again it is best if you are still kneeling on the floor between his legs…don’t ask me why this is best, just take my word for it.

12) Screw the base back in. I don’t know why the screw posts are 4 inches long when all you need is 1/2″ probably so your toddler can stab themselves in the eye with them later, but putting the nuts (hahah nuts) back on will take you a good 20 minutes. Once they are hand tightened, carefully tighten them down using a wrench (look real tools!). Not too tight, as the directions warrant….also WTF does “not too tight” mean? Who knows? You just need to use those years of plumbing know-how to tell you when you’ve reached that point.

Woohooo!!! You’re half-way done! Not to mention all the way done with the gross part.

The tank pump.

13) Have a short argument/discussion with your master plumbing partner as to whether it is better to install the new pump while the tank is still detached or after it has been reattached to the bowl. Then go with his suggestion of reattaching it and let him realize how wrong he was when he is crouched down trying to screw the plastic nut (hahah nut) in on the bottom of the tank later. Note to self – you are always right.

14) Uninstall the old pump parts and reconnect the tank to the bowl with your new bolts and rubber washers. Ahhh shiny and new!

15) Let your master plumbing partner install the new pump parts and crouch under and behind the tank to screw on the plastic nut (hahah nut). Go upstairs and get a drink of water and smile at yourself knowing that he made it harder.

16) Come back downstairs to oversee the reattachment of the water line and turn on the water.

VOILA!!! you have now fixed your toilet! Hope you’ve enjoyed this how-to-pretend-you-are-actually-a-plumber guide to fixing a few toilet problems! Happy plumbing everyone!

(Pictures not taken because that would be fucking disgusting!)

Here’s What You Are Looking For

So I returned from vacation to see something really strange on my blog. For those of you who don’t have wordpress, there is this thingy in the top bar that shows you activity on your blog. Mine is usually pretty minimal, there are like 8 people (the same ones who are on my payroll), who check in every once in a while. Normally that sucker looks pretty small. So when I got back and saw this strange graphic I was like ‘What the Hell?’

Basically my readership spiked, giving a penis-effect, if you will, to my bar graph….so what happened? Well SIF talked about me visiting. She is like an actual blogger, not just a word-vomit blogger like me. So she has a readership of like a billion people. She’s good people though, she still pretends like we are friends and that she knows my name or something even though her fame has taken her far beyond us little people, just kidding.

Anyway since she linked me apparently like 150 of her readers came over to see who the fuck I am…that answer is – no one. But I got the penis-graph going on in my bar up there. When I figured out what must have caused it, I texted her that people were just checking to see if I would slip up and release any juicy details about our amazing time in the sack. She said it was time the truth came out, since her blog is all business (bahhaaa) I figured it should happen here. So here is what you were all looking for….assuming any of you stuck around to find out:

Let me tell you now SIF is Aaaammazing in bed. She is beautiful and passionate and just…just…so wonderful. I was about to say ‘if you ever get the chance, I highly recommend hooking up with her’, but then I realized that might be turning a fun little joke into an actual inappropriate comment and makes her sound like a prostitute….SIF is not a prostitue. Me on the other hand?…..hmmm 🙂

I am pretty sure folks came over, realized I had nothing super juicy to talk about and left, so now we are back to it just being the 8 of us again. Whew, so much better with less pressure to perform. I was going to have a flacid penis-effect if I had to deal with the kind of readership she has….now that it is back to just us we can get down to the real juicy stuff……as in not a whole heck of a lot.

My “Don’t Ask” Policy

I have learned a few things the hard way. See I am a good listener. I will actually make you believe that I care about you and what is going on with you because, guess what?, I do! I know it is whacky-town! I am waaaayyy too nice for my own good. You’re an ASSHAT!…whew, just trying that out…nope it doesn’t really fit. I apologize.

Let’s talk about the hard way…because without it I wouldn’t have a “Don’t Ask” policy to tell you all about.

Our landlord in NY was actually my friend’s dad. It was one of those fate things that everything worked the way it did. I applied for grad school in a state and town I had never been to, meanwhile living 1,000 miles away in San Diego. I get accepted and then realize ‘holy fuck! now what do I do?’. Then my friend is like ‘oh yeah by the way I am from there and my dad rents out the house I grew up in, you need a place to rent?’…WTF? Yeah I don’t know either. It just happened and I was like ‘fuck yeah the universe is looking out for me!!!’.

Anyway maybe it was because he was my friend’s dad, or maybe it was just because that is who he is, but he was a WAAAaaaayyyy over-sharer type. You know the kind. Like you know about ailments his stepdaughter’s cat is experiencing. That sort of thing. He was a great landlord though. Very laid back and friendly. Helped us out when things needed fixing and what not.

One such day he came over and I made the mistake of asking how things were going. He proceeded to tell me that he had just had a colonoscopy….it didn’t end there…I got to hear all about it…..ALL ABOUT IT!!!! I don’t even think my dad would tell me all about his colonoscopy….his wife would probably tell me all about it, but he wouldn’t. Anyway I was horrified. I had no idea what to do…and because I am an idiot and didn’t want him to feel awkward I continued to act interested and ask questions about the things he said and what not. OHHHH GOOODDDDD what a disaster.

I would say that people along the way had taught me small lessons that helped formulate my “don’t ask” policy, but that one was the pinnacle. From that point on I started getting better and deciphering when it was time to get out of a conversation. Preferably before the word colonoscopy is mentioned.

Oh I should point out that I heard about his colonoscopy on two other occasions after that….alright so it took me a while to learn that lesson. It isn’t my fault!

Last Friday was my morning to bring breakfast to work. We rotate every week yada yada yada. Anyway I decided to try out a new recipe. It was a spicy breakfast casserole of sorts, with chorizo and hot sauce. Basically it was amazing and I had been hearing from everyone how much they liked it, etc. When I went into the break room to pack everything up, one of my guy co-workers was in there. This guy and my old landlord could have been long-lost twins. Anyway he’s filling up his water and this conversation occurs:

Me: how’s your day going Guy

Guy: Oh pretty good…your breakfast looked really good. I couldn’t have any today, but I took a couple of squares of it and am saving it for tomorrow (expectant look)

Me: *ALARM****ALARM**** (this sounds like it is leaning towards a conversation that has to do with his ass or something I don’t want to hear about. Packing up quickly I say): well I hope you like it, have a great weekend byyyyeeeeee (running out of the room).

And that is how I am now a big grown up person with a “Don’t Ask” Policy of my own.

Mean Boys

I will be the first person to admit that bitches be crazy and mean to one another. Unfortunately, despite my hippie dreams, we are not all lovey dovey towards one another and like ‘hey sister, can I braid your hair for you?’. More often than not we are like holy shit! look at that girl, she has a booger in her nose. BAHHAAAA I am totally not going to tell her!

We can be catty….but let’s face it we can also be awesome and sweet to one another…what is this called?…oh yeah – being a human. We have flaws and shit, but then we redeem ourselves. I find it pretty strange that there is this general consensus that women are mean and that men are not. Men can totally be mean.

Maybe not in the same way as we can be, but they can totally show their own proverbial claws at times. This idea that men are simple and uncomplicated, thus not having the time/energy/see a need to be mean to others is just kerfluie…is that how you spell that?

This project at work I am helping with involves reviewing surveys revolving around operations and what have its in this particular city…..trying not to be too specific here. Most of the survey involved those “pick a range of satisfaction” questions. But a few were write-in. Overall the survey results were positive, with people offering their suggestions but also saying ‘we love how things work, but THIS would make it even better’.

As I was writing out my conclusions from the survey I was thinking ‘wow these are some nice people’. Then I get to this one write-in comment that is open for “any additional comments”. And someone said “this survey and the people associated with it are a total waste of money and time”. Awesome.

Now this isn’t like a super personal comment, because really I am just helping out another department with this project, but I couldn’t help but take a little offense. I mean, did you really need to write that out? What’s worse is, I know his information because it wasn’t an anonymous survey.

I want to take his info and write him a letter saying ‘hi, why did you even waste your time and ours writing that comment? we are trying to get input on what sort of improvements can be made and you get all assholish on the survey? At minimum you could have said this survey is a waste of time, but left off the part about the people associated with it’ But alas, obviously I won’t do that. Blatant acts of meanness are just bothering me right now.

Maybe I am overly sensitive? Probably so. I am always overly sensitive. But I am going to file this guy’s name in the back of my head and if I should ever run into him (highly unlikely) I will at least try to close a door in his face or something. Because whilst I might talk a big talk, at the end of the day I am passive aggressive as shit.