Operation Pee on Things

Oh Hi!

So as you might have guessed, I have not become pregnant and/or obtained a second baby through other means….legal or otherwise. I did however, just finish a 104 day cycle….yyyaaaaayyy…um not. The bright side is……well….so….I mean I guess the bright side is that it could have been longer right?

Also I guess the bright side is that I am not in fact menopausal….well I kind of am, but whatever. I don’t think I really talked about it, because I feel like I only told like four people, but I put a pin in going to acupuncture. I wanted to get settled into my new job and figure out the whole insurance biznaz and get comfortable and what not.

I kept pushing back my appointments with my lady….every week I would push them further and further back. And then finally I was like ‘seriously you need to go back, what’s your deal Natalie?’

Turns out “my deal” was going waaaayyy back down to see her. I love my acupuncturist. She’s awesome and obviously has a proven history of getting me knocked up, but now that she is not as conveniently located I was finding a battle between my heart and my head. I was facing spending an extra hour in the car every week just to go see her. And Fridays are the one time Andy and I get a few hours to ourself while Jack is still in daycare (you know unless we arrange for a babysitter and what not) Anyway it just seemed like an added hassle….so I decided as much as I love her, maybe it was time to try someone new. Closer to my new office.

So I have an appointment this Friday. I have been at the new job for two months officially….okay well officially in a couple more days. But who’s counting? If we’re being mathmatical….which we like to be sometimes – it took me 3 cycles to get pregnant with Jack (which equated to about 6 months). So even if it works like first-go-round with the new lady, in theory I wouldn’t be popping out numero dos until after I reached my one-year mark here. Which feels good enough to me. And if it takes longer than one cycle….which…let’s be honest….it will – then I will be glad I didn’t wait another couple of months to get going again.

In the meantime, I am going to give the OPK route another try. It never actually worked for me the first time. I never got a positive, but what the heck, let’s try again. One of my BFFs is doing it too, so basically we have started a pee-off.

photo 1

I have this batch, plus a bunch from another bestie, so in total I have about 70. And I am just going to pee until the cows come home.

Also apparently when you don’t use your brain knowledge surrounding OPKs you forget it quickly because after the first one I got all excited that I saw a faint second line…..yeah that is just another fun way of saying negative. But I got excited…and then promptly started my period two days later. Whatcha gonna do? Well…then you look up the instructions and remind yourself what everything means again. And now I know.

In a few more days pee-fest will officially restart. As will acupuncture….maybe we should call it AcuPeeFest 2013!

I guess I can no longer count this as not really trying to get pregnant huh? Le Sigh. Well then let the official TTC #2 begin.

P.S. I have peed in a cup twice and so far I have peed on my hand 50% of the time….hopefully we can lower that statistic as we go.

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Whoopsies

So I tend to inadvertently decide to write a super heavy post and then I disappear for a week. Whoopsies. Sorry about that. Basically that was just a 24 hour….actually like a 10 hour dark period and then it was like it never happened.

Thank you all for your amazing words of support via comment, via text, via e-mail, all that shit. You are awesome. I couldn’t buy better support (shhh your checks are in the mail…they aren’t linked to an active bank account, but I figured it would make everyone’s day to receive a check for $1 million dollars…..please don’t try to cash it).

Let’s see. I am trying to remember what all happened after that night. Andy and I went on a date after work the next day and we sort of talked about it. In a good, even-keeled sort of way. Bottom line is, shit is not all figured out, but all is well.

I had a business trip all last week. It went great…well minus the massive hangover I gave myself and the cough and runny nose I contracted, but whatcha gonna do? You win some you lose some.

I couldn’t wait to get home to my men. Jack is getting his 4th molar right now, so basically I returned in time to not sleep, but it was a weekend, so I appreciate his timing. I laid with him on my chest listening to him trying to breathe through his stuffy nose and remembering what it was like when he didn’t span from my collar bone all the way half-way down my thigh. Baby is getting big….not really a baby anymore.

Which brings up my last news of this post – acupuncture. An appointment has been made. I am hanging my flag of surrender and admitting that my body needs something a little extra to push it along. As much as I had hoped, I am not going to be like those whores I know who easily got pregnant with their #2s. But it seems only fair when you look at the big picture. I endured a few months of acupuncture with Jack and they all had to be poked and prodded and wanded. Some of them paying 20 times what I paid to get their little miracles. So I am glad they were total whores and got pregnant with #2 easily. I basically have to go lay on a table without pants on (score!) and listen to calming flute music, while a chick burns tiny aromatherapy cones over my ovaries and puts little pins all over. Man being a hippie is sorta awesome, but mostly hilarious.

I know we will all achieve the same end, even if our journeys are very different.

Systems Check

Let’s be honest here…today sucks. I was lucky enough to skype with my ladies this morning and they have this amazing ability to cheer me up and focus me on the bright sides of things, but….at the end of the day…this sucks.

AF showed up yesterday evening. I shit you not, about 4 hours before I was passing the pregnancy tests at the drug store and was seriously considering picking some up. I mean I was like 95% sure that this would be it. I had some serious signs exactly two weeks ago, enough so that I actually left work early to go rape my husband. Then about a week after that my chesticles were achy and I was like ‘yeeeeessssss’.

Why is this the first we are hearing of this Natalie? – you ask.

I am just so tired of this, ya know? So tired of my brain basically. The fear that the second I mention anything it will jinx it, or that I am making shit up, or whatever. I am just trying to keep this shit mostly underwraps…but it still sucks. Even when you don’t talk about it and try to pretend it isn’t happening it sucks. I am basically lying to myself in saying the whole we are not trying, we are just seeing what happens. I am trying… I mean my heart is 100% in this. I have an effing calendar on my kindle and I check that shit pretty often….so the only thing that makes this not “trying” is that I am not doing any outside intervention yet…so basically this sucks.

Alrighty enough of the downer..now for the diagnosis. Anovulation. Sure it is a self-diagnosis, but I think it is pretty safe to say, all systems were a go and the stars were aligned for everything to happen…minus that whole releasing of the egg thing. I won’t go into specifics, let’s just agree that if an egg had been present that sucker didn’t have a chance with all the swimmers in the water….unless it was a bad egg….I suppose there is that. But thinking I have bad eggs is too depressing, so let’s focus on a no egg scenario.

Anovulation. That is what I am going with because I am 99% certain that is what we were dealing with last go ’round. According to wikipedia…. it’s cool you can laugh at me, but that is where I started and then jumped off from there to reliable medical links. Basically I did some reading this morning as I sat quietly before Andy got home. I like to deal with things one thought at a time. If I start thinking about all the possible variables it is depressing, so the one that stuck out is the link of anovulation with being heavier. A Dr. Barbieri finds anovulation most common in women with a BMI of more than 27. That tells me, lower your BMI = resume ovulation.

Now I realize mostly I am clinging to this idea because I am already on the path. We all know I didn’t reach that one weight goal that will not be mentioned…except for just now. But as of now…some unmentionable number of months after that goal, I am down a 10er. Sure that took way longer than it probably needed to, but at the same time, um I still enjoyed my fucking life a LOT during that entire time. There was still ice cream and beer and this whole thing. So to me that equals success!!! WOoohooo!

Alright so, going with Dr. B’s theory, to get below a 27 BMI I have 7lbs to go. I should probably point out that I think the BMI index is stupid and don’t recommend everyone cling to it and think ‘if I am not a BMI of _ or less then I am fat’….(said the girl who is about to cling to the BMI index) Okay I realize that statement is hypocritical. But here’s what I mean by it. If you are able to do all the things you want to do with your life and you don’t ever feel like your body is holding you back then why beat yourself up about the numbers? That is basically where I stand and why I usually give a big middle finger to the BMI.

In my case, we’re just looking at this BMI thing as part of this anovulation theory….which I am sure you dudes got from the get go….just didn’t want you to think I was endorsing the whole idea behind the BMI ratings.

Anyway 7 lbs I can do….hopefully 7 lbs lost now means that in a year I will have a little 7 pounder in my arms to celebrate. This last cycle was 43 days…down from 57 (hey something is happening!!) So my “plan”….because I love making plans – is give myself another cycle to see if this weightloss thing will be the key. I am hoping that is it. Because if not, then back to the acupuncturist I go. So yay for a plan, but damn, I was really hoping I just worked right for once.

Beer a substitute for Advil? You be the Judge

I figured I was the last woman on earth to not have my vajay professional waxed by a stranger, but turns out there are others with the same curiosities as what came out of my mouth with Oak the other day. A few of you actually asked for a post-event recap.

So here it is: turns out Oak is quite right, it was like having coffee with a friend just with your vag out. Things actually got a bit freaky coincidental, but I will get to that in a minute. First a break down of the waxing experience itself.

First off, Oak recommended that I take an advil before hand to help take the edge off. Well in all my distraction I forgot to grab two advil before I met up with my dad for lunch…you know because there is nothing like lunch with dad before showing your vag to a stranger. I am so thankful that when I told him I had an “appointment” he didn’t ask any questions, or offer to walk me there. Whew. Although I guess I could have just told him I was getting my eyebrows done…..I probably wouldn’t have though. Knowing my mouth it would have come out.

Anyway, when we sat down to lunch I decided a beer was in order since I forgot the advil. Now although my brain was feeling pretty good, I don’t think the beer helped take the edge off the wax. I don’t have the advil scenario to compare it to, but I will report back when I do.

I was about 8 blocks from the waxing studio so decided to walk and then halfway there was like ‘ooo, what if my vag is all stinky now from walking here?’ It was too late by that point. I got into the room with Destinee….which turned out to be destiny indeed…and she said she would walk me through everything step-by-step but first, pants off.

I guess I am thankful to have some previous ting tang waxing experience because the beginning was not bad at all. Apparently even though it had been about 6 years since anyone else had waxed that area, the top front didn’t bother me at all. The worst part is definitely the crack…..the crack can just go eff itself. It is an absolute sonovabeetch and I hate it for the pain it caused me on Friday….sure you could blame me for deciding to wax it, but instead I choose to blame it for deciding to be hairy.

Destinee did not make me do the naked child’s pose. Basically I just laid on my back with my legs in a diamond configuration….feet together, knees out. Then flipped over and spread eagled for the ass crack….Brazillians do include the ass crack FYI.

Meanwhile Destinee and I tried to carry on a conversation. She is halfway through her business degree. She wants to open her own spa someday. Then things got strangely coincidental. When the discussion turned to why on earth I would let someone rip hair out of my privates, I told her it was a special treat for our anniversary. Then we talked about kids. I was surprised she asked if we had any considering she was staring at my collection of stretch marks. Sure they are lighter, but what else causes that sort of stomach-stretch-mark configuration?…..I guess maybe there are other things that I don’t know about and someone who sees a lot of vaginas would? I dunno.

We started talking about kids and she has been with her boyfriend for 5 years. I asked if they wanted kids and she said ‘we do. Actually I am kind of worried because we had planned to wait until our 30s but I just had an appointment with my doctor and she thinks I have…, oh what is it called…POS’. My mouth almost dropped. “PCOS?”…”yeah is that what it is?”.

All of a sudden I was switching between talking fertility with this girl and wincing as she ripped hair out of my no-nos. It was wild and definitely destiny. I told her about our story. Turns out her natural period is very much the same as mine. Having never actually gone in for an u/s to determine if I have PCOS, I couldn’t say for sure, but she said it made her feel so much better knowing that she could still get pregnant. She was starting to think it wasn’t a possibility. I told her about all my friends who have struggled and that there is actually a huge community of women out there who have to go through extra steps, but that there is hope.

I told her about Taking Control of Your Fertility and how we pretty much all started there. I walked through the signs for progesterone deficiencies and lining issues, etc. and told her how the book can give you a glimpse of what might be wrong. Her doc has done a u/s to confirm PCOS, so she is basically in the same boat as me. I told her about temping and how my chart looked compared to what it should look like. She was so interested in it all and kept asking questions. The relief in her voice was palpable after our conversation. And I just realized I got more out of that wax than just a naked ting tang, I made a connection with another one of us.

Perhaps if all that hadn’t happened I would never have done this, but I made another appointment. Mainly because after going through all that once, I am definitely keeping this shit up. It definitely feels nice after and a certain someone showed his appreciation for the effort…ahem. But mostly I wanted to check in on her. Find out if she checked out the book, if she had any other questions, and if she needs other info. Because obviously you ladies have experience and information up the ting tang that a girl like her could use.

She asked me for advice and now I am not so sure if my answer was right. She asked if I thought she should start trying at 25 instead. Her doctor recommended they start at 28 instead of waiting until 30. I told her if she was really worried about it then yes. But if she wanted to wait a couple more years and finish her degree first, then she shouldn’t feel rushed into it. I know some of you will probably freak out at this advice. I know some of you would probably tell her start trying right now. And maybe that was the right thing to say. But there was still this part of me that thinks it would be more harmful for her to panic and get pregnant now than to wait until she is done with her undergrad and has a husband instead of a boyfriend. I told her that it might take a while. She might have to try for a couple of years and she might have to use some drugs/procedures to help, but there truly is something to be said about having your relationship in the right place before tackling infertility.

Can you all imagine not having a strong relationship with your partner before you went down this road? Almost all of us have experienced the lows that IF can take us to. I know if Andy and I weren’t as high as we were, the lows might have broken us. I am not sure if what I told her was right. Because as I was walking back to my car I started thinking if someone had talked to me 6 years ago and told me about this struggle, what I would want to hear?…..maybe I would have wanted someone to tell me ‘get pregnant NOW!!!’ But honestly I waver back and forth. I guess if someone had said ‘listen it might take a couple of years and you might need some help’ maybe that would have been enough. What do you guys think? What would you want to hear?

I see Destinee again in 4 weeks. Her and my ting tang will battle it out again. So I will be able to check in with her and see where she’s at.

How Bizarre

I can’t even tell you how weird this feels.

I had to have FF e-mail me my password it has been so long since I was on there. I logged in to find that I was at CD756 before I entered the first data for Tuesday morning…….this is really truly strange folks.

As is customary for me, I am a mixed bag of thoughts and emotions. I am excited to get this business started again. I am nervous and scared and questioning whether this is the “right time” for this. I believe “What are you thinking?!?!” is being screamed by one side of my brain and the other is like “This better happen fast this time, I can’t deal with the disappointment again!”.

I am not really sure what I am hoping for. Part of me hopes four weeks from now I am looking at another box of tampons thinking ‘yes! we’re regular’. The other part is hoping that this will be my only trip down Tampon Lane because I’ll be reporting a BFP again….does anyone even remember what all these acronyms mean? Fuck me, I need a crash course reminder.

I am not sure if I should classify myself as TTC…..TTC….it feels like such a distant memory full of heartache and worry and stress and….and I just almost hate that acronym more than anything. I don’t want to be trying. Because to me with trying there is a sense that it could turning into failing to conceive. I don’t want to fail. Failing is almost scary enough at this point that I don’t even want to try.

Along with all those stupid thoughts I can’t get rid of, we have the other side of the coin. The return of that part of me that probably talked itself into not having kids at all 8 years ago. The girl who thought ‘if I have kids I can’t have adventures and travel at the drop of a hat and move around as much as I want, you just can’t do that with kids!’.

Obviously I now know what an idiot that girl was. Stupid stupid girl. But part of her is still there. Thinking ‘with one kid you can still do all those things!’. With one kid you can scoop him up, jump on a plane and go!. You can maneuver around an airport with only slight coordination with one kid.

It isn’t that this part of me is thinking no more kids! completely. But she is sort of convincing me that a couple more years of just one kid might be absolutely fabulous….but then….what if? what if this is my window? what if I wait too long? what if? what if? what if?……..ahhh fuck.

What am I gonna do folks? I have no freakin’ idea! There is a HUGE part of me that is ready. That is like ‘yes! let’s do this! please let this happen’. And there is this other part that is kind of okay if it doesn’t happen right away again. I know that is the dumbest and probably the most hurtful thing some of you could probably read. I am sorry. I know I am a selfish good-fer-nothing bitch for thinking that. I just speak my brains thoughts on here, so I hope you’ll forgive me if that at all hurt those of you who are still so desperate to meet your first little ones.

I know I will still make things happen for myself and my family if numero dos comes right now. I will figure out how to take two babies on a plane by myself or I will stop traveling so much. I just realized that tomorrow Jack and I will be boarding a plane for his 15th flight. He is just a couple of weeks shy of 15 months and he is going on his 8th trip. I want to be able to do that for both of my kids. I want them both to have the same adventures and experiences……but I am not dumb. I know I won’t be able to do that.

But the truth is, come next March, we probably wouldn’t be doing as much traveling anyway. Jack will be turning two. That whole ‘hold yer kid in lap’ sitch will end. So that means two tickets…..and he will be two….I have no idea what to expect with that.

He is so sweet and awesome that I can’t possibly imagine him going through this thing that people call the “terrible twos”. Certainly that won’t happen to my sweet little man…..but again, I am not dumb….I know it probably will. A classification like ‘the terrible twos” doesn’t come about by only 2 or 3 parents having kids that go through it.

Le sigh….are you all confused by my brain yet? Basically I think I have worked it out. Thanks for reading as I mentally dump all my thoughts and feelings and work through them. The truth is, this is almost over. March of 2013 my streak of jaunting about the country at will is probably over. So why not go for it and see if the end of that part of my life can’t mean the beginning of another…..a second baby!……soooooo I guess we are trying to conceive again. Heeelllppp I am so effing scared dudes!