Don’t Go Chasin’ Cinnamon Bears

I realize it has been far too long since I posted! Apparently all laws of nature decided today would be the day. I can’t even believe I am about to tell you this, but let’s just start with the lesson – Don’t mess with My Fitness Pal! That bitch be crazy.

So I’ve been doing MFP for about four months….not religiously though. I should point that out right now. About a month ago a group of friends and I decided we would all follow each other on it so that we could keep each other motivated and what have you…..also we figured out you can post hilarious status updates, so there’s that.

To give you insight, those updates can range from how much we want chocolate to how we should start getting calorie credits for going poo.

Anyway back on track. So yesterday was Earth Day, aka El Dia de….Earth and my office decided we would ride our bikes to work. Now according to my weather app it was going to be 50 degrees at 7am for the ride there and then by 5pm it would be 30 and snowing….but I was not going to be deterred! I love this earth goddammit and I will ride through the snow and the cold to show it!…..

Now let me tell you what the ride home was like yesterday…..effing frigid! I was soooooo cold dudes. I literally thought that I would gladly climb into a raper van just to get out of the cold. I even brought layers and gloves….nope still not enough. Oh and apparently it is difficult to see where you are going as you are being pelted in the eye with magical snowflakes. Who knew?

Anyway I made it home, but I was borderline hypothermic and so exhausted I couldn’t convince myself to muster the energy for a serious meal. Therefore I finished the day with a massive surplus of calories that went unused.

As is standard procedure for me – the day after I cycle I get ridiculously hungry and want to eat everything in sight, including but not limited to people’s appendages around me. For those of you not using MFP, that surplus of calories from yesterday doesn’t just follow you. Those are yesterdays calories, which I believe is total B.S……well I did anyway.

So today I start eating like a fiend and hit my calorie goal by 1pm, but 3pm strikes and I am hungry again. There is a place by the office called Jerry’s Nut House. It is basically bags and bags of trouble. But I decided it was calling to me, plus I needed some fresh air. I said “eff your rules MFP” and decided I would give in to the snack monster.

I showed considerable restraint considering the many packages of delicious chocolate covered things. I left with a bag of cinnamon bears and one of yogurt covered pretzels. Cinnamon bears are my fucking favorite….okay well that’s not true, pretty much everything is my favorite when it comes to candy. But I looked at the nutrition facts. ‘okay I can have 5 of these puppies without causing too much damage’ (let’s be reasonable after all). I open it up and bite the head off my first bear. And then…something happens.

The bear head attached to my teeth, as is customary, and when I open my jaw to chew, off comes my crown. I reach in and grab it because I can’t believe it myself. Sure enough out comes my crown with little red remnants of the culprit.

Holy shit! I spit out the devil bear and looked down at the bag of goodies I had just bought. ‘Well played MFP…..well played’.

Apparently you don’t mess with the no-calorie-roll-over rule…..now we know.

*****Stop reading if you don’t want to be thoroughly grossed out***********************

An added bonus is that despite brushing my teeth and chewing a piece of gum, there is just this very disgusting taste happening in my mouth…..I mean I am trying not to think too much about it, as I am sure you are now too, but obviously it is a product of exposing things that shouldn’t be exposed….EVER!!!

So not only do I have no interest in the snacks I bought, but I have no interest in anything at all…..EVER!

Looks like I am going to finish the day out causing no damage at all……fucking MFP man!

Operation Pee on Things

Oh Hi!

So as you might have guessed, I have not become pregnant and/or obtained a second baby through other means….legal or otherwise. I did however, just finish a 104 day cycle….yyyaaaaayyy…um not. The bright side is……well….so….I mean I guess the bright side is that it could have been longer right?

Also I guess the bright side is that I am not in fact menopausal….well I kind of am, but whatever. I don’t think I really talked about it, because I feel like I only told like four people, but I put a pin in going to acupuncture. I wanted to get settled into my new job and figure out the whole insurance biznaz and get comfortable and what not.

I kept pushing back my appointments with my lady….every week I would push them further and further back. And then finally I was like ‘seriously you need to go back, what’s your deal Natalie?’

Turns out “my deal” was going waaaayyy back down to see her. I love my acupuncturist. She’s awesome and obviously has a proven history of getting me knocked up, but now that she is not as conveniently located I was finding a battle between my heart and my head. I was facing spending an extra hour in the car every week just to go see her. And Fridays are the one time Andy and I get a few hours to ourself while Jack is still in daycare (you know unless we arrange for a babysitter and what not) Anyway it just seemed like an added hassle….so I decided as much as I love her, maybe it was time to try someone new. Closer to my new office.

So I have an appointment this Friday. I have been at the new job for two months officially….okay well officially in a couple more days. But who’s counting? If we’re being mathmatical….which we like to be sometimes – it took me 3 cycles to get pregnant with Jack (which equated to about 6 months). So even if it works like first-go-round with the new lady, in theory I wouldn’t be popping out numero dos until after I reached my one-year mark here. Which feels good enough to me. And if it takes longer than one cycle….which…let’s be honest….it will – then I will be glad I didn’t wait another couple of months to get going again.

In the meantime, I am going to give the OPK route another try. It never actually worked for me the first time. I never got a positive, but what the heck, let’s try again. One of my BFFs is doing it too, so basically we have started a pee-off.

I have this batch, plus a bunch from another bestie, so in total I have about 70. And I am just going to pee until the cows come home.

Also apparently when you don’t use your brain knowledge surrounding OPKs you forget it quickly because after the first one I got all excited that I saw a faint second line…..yeah that is just another fun way of saying negative. But I got excited…and then promptly started my period two days later. Whatcha gonna do? Well…then you look up the instructions and remind yourself what everything means again. And now I know.

In a few more days pee-fest will officially restart. As will acupuncture….maybe we should call it AcuPeeFest 2013!

I guess I can no longer count this as not really trying to get pregnant huh? Le Sigh. Well then let the official TTC #2 begin.

P.S. I have peed in a cup twice and so far I have peed on my hand 50% of the time….hopefully we can lower that statistic as we go.

Effing Up and Moving On

I really fucked up the other day. It was one of those things that I technically wasn’t wrong about (because how could I be wrong about anything?), but after it transpired I was like ‘eeerrrr that was horrific timing and I really wish I had just sucked it up, not said anything and just silently brewed on it trying to telepathically let Andy know I am upset’.

I don’t necessarily want to go too far into it, let’s just say Andy was at a low spot already, then I squished him down into the mud a bit, and then work came in with a backhoe and dumped more mud on top of him. So sure, via that analogy he would have been feeling bad and stressed and overwhelmed regardless, but I just wish I hadn’t been the one to add to it.

There are times like that though. Those times where you genuinely regret something you’ve done/said. Where you sit and think ‘shoot!’, but there is nothing you can really do to change it or make it right.

As my marriage gently creeps towards the 10 year mark, generally speaking you would think I would have figured things out by now. I certainly know that if I was an outsider looking in, I would assume that. In reality, I think I have even less of a clue of what I am doing then I did when we first exchanged our vows. Looking back, obviously I just thought I knew what I was doing, but at least I was sure of myself. Sure in the fact that I knew I was capable of being with this person and doing this marriage thing until he died of some undiagnosed illness (because the man refuses to go to a doctor).

To clarify, it isn’t that I find myself less capable of those things….it is just sometimes I fuck it up. Sometimes I feel like I am doing more damage than good. You know? I mean I should be his shelter or safe harbor or some other analogy that is applicable here. But sometimes I look at myself in the hypothetical mirror and realize that I can be incredibly selfish. Not always intentionally, but sometimes yes, very intentionally.

I would say a good 75% of the time I want to do what I want to do. I wouldn’t say regardless of Andy’s wants and needs, but he can be so resistive to wanting to do things or even just coming up with ideas, that often times it is up to me. We’ve spent the majority of the last 13 years with him turning to me and saying ‘what do we have planned this weekend?’. And I’ve never minded that.

But I have also taken liberties. Because without him saying ‘oh you know what I really want to do this weekend? (blank)’ I have just always been doing the choosing. So of course, when you are the one choosing, you get to pick the stuff you want to do the most.

And after so many years, I am used to getting my way. So if I plan an activity and he doesn’t want to participate, then off I go. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is actually a good thing for married people to do things apart, I just find myself thinking ‘careful…..not too much’.

It is a weird balance that I feel like I am constantly trying to find. I’ll think I have it all figured out and then BAM! we’re tipping over. Marriage is like that though, I feel like it is the most difficult and unpredictable balancing act.

Anyway, all this rambling is to say that I need work. And I probably will have to continue to work at it until that undiagnosed disease shows up.

I think about all my friends and how I know their flaws and their downfalls and it is so easy to overlook or forgive them…..okay well it is more easy with some. But for some reason I find it the hardest to overlook and forgive Andy…when really he warrants it the most. So I’m going to work on that.

I am going to try not to freak out that his clean laundry is piled on top of the washer and dryer and it prevents me from being able to do any laundry myself. Because he just worked a 14 hour shift and I should be grateful that he chose to focus his energy on playing with Jack rather than worrying about the inconvenience he has caused me (GASP!) with his laundry.

Basically the gist is…..I am going to try harder.

Because Let’s Be Honest – It’s Still Chocolate

I sometimes wonder the lengths I would go to eat chocolate. And thinking about it always leads into “challenge mode” where you think of a bunch of different scenarios and ask yourself if you would still go for it.

For example, on a normal day, say you find yourself in a gas station bathroom, it appears to be well-maintained, but in your head you just know that it isn’t that clean. So what if your favorite candy bar is laying on the floor. Let’s assume it just casually fell out of someone’s purse. But it’s still in the wrapper. What do you think? Would you go for it?

I mean potentially you could wash the outside of the wrapper off and be on your merry way. Okay now let’s up the ante.

Out of the wrapper? ewww hells no! Right! My thought as well, just go into the gas station and buy your own. But wait! What if all the chocolate in the world is gone. This is the last piece….now what?

Well I can tell you one thing, if it is the last piece of chocolate on earth, I might be less inclined to worry about how clean the floor might be…..I might even go so far as to think a dirty floor would be worth it. Just to be happy that one last time. Hell, maybe I would even be okay with it if it wasn’t my favorite kind of candy. I could get some sort of shot after eating it anyway. So no big deal.

Now before you freak out, don’t worry I didn’t eat anything off the floor of a bathroom. Ewww!

But I did bring in the leftover pinata candy to work yesterday. Because let’s be honest. If it is in the house, I will eat it and Andy won’t help. Jack will help, but not at the speed or proportion that must happen to prevent the majority of the leftovers from implanting themselves onto my ass. So I unselfishly brought it in, along with the top-tier of Jack’s birthday cake….say what? you had a tiered birthday cake for your seemingly low-key party?.

Listen I understand how crazy it sounds, but this is what happens when your BFF makes delicious and amazing cakes and approaches you like ‘well if you don’t have a specific idea for Jack’s cake, I will just do something fun, do you trust me?’. Then all of a sudden you have an amazing cake that makes your “simple and laid back party” look anything but…..also when you decide last-minute that you need to make bear cookies….I am a sick sick person. Acknowledged and now we’re moving on.

See not that crazy, so let’s calm down.

Anyway, leftover pinata candy – refocus.

So the first few hours after bringing the candy in, no one had really touched it. But as the day went on, the selection dwindled. Well this morning I walk into the break room to see a few tootsie rolls and some almond joys.

Two hours later – one tootsie roll pop and 3 almond joys….those bastards ate all my candy! Can you believe it? So I did what anyone might do – I popped an almond joy in my mouth. Because even though it isn’t my favorite, let’s be honest, it’s still chocolate.

A Pinata Tragedy

I could not make this story up – just wanted to preface with that.

I live near a pinata store…..you read that right. There is a pinata store near my house! I am not sure how many people can actually claim that of their neighborhood….well obviously besides my neighbors.

The pinata store is named “La Pinata Feliz”….obviously. I mean who wants to go to “La Pinata Triste”? Not me, I can tell you that for sure. I like that the pinatas are happy….I consider them like free-range pinatas. They choose to be pinatas spreading happiness to families for a plethora of occasions.

Anyhoo, I have passed “La Pinata Feliz” twice a day almost every single day for the last 5 years. And every time I notice it I think ‘I need to get a pinata for our next party’….and then I drive 4 more feet and forget about it.

Well what better occasion to finally step foot into “La Pinata Feliz” than for Jack’s first birthday party. First of all, this store was awesome!. Second, they should rename it “La Pinata Feliz y Mas Grande” because those suckers are huge!!!! HUGGGEEE!!!!

Basically Jack and two of his friends could fit comfortably into most of them. They have an insane selection of types of pinatas. Jack was immediately attracted to the bottle of Corona pinata….which I had to diffuse. Good thing there was a massive football next to it. There were pooh bears and shamrocks and this weird thing that I think was supposed to be a werewolf, but I couldn’t tell you for sure.

Seeing as we chose a grizzly bear theme for Jack’s party (because he is crazy about bears right now – picks them out from anywhere, including off of a frozen food truck two lanes away on the highway a few weeks ago) I decided to ask if they could make a custom pinata…which of course they can. I mean this is “La Pinata Feliz” we are talking about, their whole world revolves about making you happy via pinata.

So I ordered a grizzly bear pinata, or an oso pardo (bringing the culture back into the blog!), Jack got handed a mexican sucker, and we went on our merry way. Sidenote: mexican candy is not my favsies. And whilst Jack loved the sucker, he handed it to me a few times to “hold for him”, getting slobbery sucker all over my hand, which I then licked and eeeeewwww. It basically tasted like slightly sweet food coloring. I just feel like if American candy makers and mexican pinata makers could team up, there would be no stopping them.

Back to the story: two days after ordering el oso pardo, I had a voicemail from “La Pinata Feliz”. Their pinata-maker had a terrible accident and wouldn’t be able to have my pinata done on-time….OMG! I called back right away. Obviously in my mind I was like ‘I ordered a pinata that caused this terrible accident!….I tried to kill “La Pinata Feliz’s” pinata-maker!’

Alas that was not the case. I don’t know what the exact accident was, but it sounded non-pinata-making related. Anyway he was going to be out for 3 weeks recovering and unable to make any pinatas. No big deal. I recalled they had a horse pinata that Jack really liked, so they set it aside for me. He is only 2 so, chances are he won’t hold it against me that I didn’t have a grizzly bear pinata for his grizzly bear themed birthday party…..although I guess I should start saving for the therapy bills just in case.

But what are the chances really? I mean, I am assuming that never, in the last 5 years of me living near the store, has the pinata-maker had a serious accident rendering him unable to make pinatas. Yet the time I finally go there to get a pinata, this happens….apparently I bring bad luck to pinata-makers. That’s all I have to say.

Now for those of you thinking “I bet that pinata wasn’t as big as she said it was…she’s a notorious exaggerater”. Well you’re right, I am, but it really was the biggest pinata I have ever seen. And look, proof!

Seriously! He was riding on it! It was so sturdy. It took like 7 people many many hits to get it open. But I have to say, it was the most fun I have ever had with a pinata.

Pi Day

As a math nerd, I sort of love the fact that Jack was born on Pi Day. It gives me a sliver of hope that Andy’s math-loathing gene was not selected when Jack was formed….if you are a geneticist and are about to check the acuracy of that statement, you are reading the wrong blog. I continuously make up random bits of data.

I came home last night to Andy and Jack watching the video compilation that I put together at Christmas-time. The one that had me bawling my eyes out every night I worked on it, realizing my baby was getting so big. So the fact that he was watching it the day before the entire world (could be an exaggeration) recognizes that he is growing up quickly just made my heart and my baby-cooking parts ache.

Then Andy said something really thoughtful…..or at least it felt really thoughtful because I was suddenly realizing how barren I was. He said: ‘at least not having another baby has let us really watch him grow and just be devoted to him…I mean they aren’t little for very long…’.

Now for those of you big whores who were able to get pregnant right away, I HOPE you realize that that wasn’t a jab at you in any way. And I don’t think I EVER would have regret about getting pregnant again quickly….but it was a merciful statement that I needed to hear as I watched my big boy, who says things like ‘Muskox’ and ‘I want cheese’, watch himself as a teeny little roly-poly.

I was telling a friend it feels so long since it all went down, that saying I was ever pregnant or gave birth seems like something I made up in my head. Obviously Jack is a reminder that it happened….but did it?….did it really?

Watching your child get older is kind of the best and worst thing ever. I want time to stand still, yet I can’t wait for the things we will do next!

Anyway, tonight it is just me and my little man. Not sure what we will do, or where we will go, but as it’s a big day, I will have to come up with something!

Happy Birthday little man! Everyone go eat some pie for Jack.

Life is What Happens While You’re Away

Apparently a plethora of events happened while I took a blogeave-of-absense. It really wasn’t an intentional departure. Things just got crazy busy, but when I realized the things that transpired while I was away, it got me to thinking ‘maybe I should blogeave more often’. bahhaa…..I realize I crack myself up way more than anyone else.

I am still catching up with a pretty significant back-log of posts, but I will get there. Probably by the time I catch up, things will get crazy again and I will disappear.

This evening I came home bearing gifts of individually wrapped American cheese. Has your toddler gone through the stages of cheese yet? Jack started off devouring normal string cheese – and when I say devouring, we were buying a 24 pack a week – then we switched to the colby-jack cheeses, then it was jalapeno string cheese, and in the midst of me making him a grilled cheese one day, he realized that individually wrapped American cheese is pretty delightful as well….He really seems to take whatever cheese he can get. Is there such a thing as a cheese-a-tarian? Because he is that.

Anyhoodles, he met me at the door with his arms out-stretched and delightfully yelled “Mommy!!!” (pretty much the most amazing feeling in the world), so together we took the cheese out of the bag and put it on the designated “Jack’s Cheese Shelf”. I asked ‘do you want a piece of cheese?’, to which he responded ‘yeah’. I unwrap one and try to hand it to him and he responds ‘no I don’t want it’ in the plainest, perfectly-annunciated english I have heard out of him yet.

Now for those of you with kids about the same age, you can imagine my shock. I literally turned to Andy and said ‘did you hear that? it was perfect’. You get so used to translating toddler-speak, that when you hear something so accurate come out of your child’s mouth it is sort of amazing……now let me follow-up this statement by saying 10 minutes later Jack said “Oh Shit” plain as day as well….so that is a little less endearing and a LOT more worrisome…..but you can’t win them all.

That sort of incident will have you crawling back off your high horse of thinking ‘I have raised a brilliant child’ back down to the ‘bet he is going to teach that one to the kids at daycare tomorrow’.

Basically life is happening though….literally all the time. A week from today I will have a two-year-old. My chubby little nugget has turned into a real boy. He has rejected sitting in his high chair to eat, he crawls up on the back of the couch and jumps through the air barely making the seat, he puts on his own pants, socks and shoes, and at the park he likes to go down the highest and scariest slides they have….where did this person come from?

It is hard for me to even fathom that he is the same human that I grew in my belly. It goes so incredibly fast….you want it to slow down, but each step after this one is so new and exciting that you wouldn’t slow it down if you could anyway.

On the car ride home from the gym the other night Jack was in a particularly talkative mood. Sometimes it is as though he likes to practice every word he has learned that day so he won’t forget it. We were both giggling up a storm, so I started asking him a bunch of random questions….I love that game. It makes me laugh to see what he decides to answer ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to. Six months ago, pretty much any question you would ask would get a ‘no’, even if you said ‘Jack do you want $1 million?’.

But now I get more complex responses. “Do you like Grizzly Bears?” “uh yeah, Grrrrzzy Bears”. I started asking him “are you going to become a doctor?….are you going to be an astronaut?” and the I realized, it is weird to think about because eventually he will really become something….I mean obviously he is becoming something already, but you know what I mean.

We spend so much time seeing them as “our babies”, but someday other people will see them as something else. And it blows my mind…..it could be the sleepy brain writing, but it feels so amazing and surreal.